Alcohol abuse

rossrach

I'm not sure why i'm posting because I know my relationship is over, I just don't want to speak to anyone in person about it at the moment but need to type my thoughts out because I want to avoid texting or ringing my ex.

He's put me through years of hell with alcohol abuse, disappearing at times for a couple of days, running from the house to go drinking, ranting and raving while drunk which was very scary, he looks crazy when he is drunk.

We have kids, it all came to a head last year because my eldest was getting old enough to notice and my child noticed it and my partner was letting him down and he'd sometimes come home the next morning and puke everywhere and look a complete state and I didn't want my kids to see that.

He moved out for several days at a time many times last year over this, eventually he went to counselling and thought he was doing great but obviously not because he has done it again.

I'm a shell of a person, last year I was so anxious because of it that I dreaded the weekends and I didn't want him to take his holidays from work because I knew what would happen. Throughout all the years we've been together he's ruined christmas time, birthdays, mothers day, happy times etc. all because of this. There would be no warning sometimes, he would go out to have one or 2 and come back the next day, phone would be switched off.

Eventually I just stopped ringing, stopped getting upset, didn't cry and I just came to accept and expect it. There's only so long you can put up with that before you're just a mess and all the time I was very conscious of my kids growing up and hoping he would stop but he didn't.

He's done this throughout my last pregnancy, disappeared and left me at home terrified because I started to bleed, I text him that night telling him there was an emergency but he didn't come back. He disappeared for a couple of days drinking when my youngest was a newborn after just going down to the shop.

The rest of the time he's lovely but when he drinks or wants to drink and legs it out of the house to do so he's a completely different person.

There's no going back now and I know from experience for the first few days afterwards I can't eat or sleep or do exercise or anything to make me better. I just don't want to go back there this time, I don't want to talk to him because i'll feel sorry for him, I know that I deserve better and i'm not talking about another man, just better as in peace of mind, stress free home and not having to put up with the feeling of worthlessness when things are going well in your relationship and it can all be just snatched away from you when your partner goes out on a 2 day bender and doesn't even think about you.

athtrasna

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Al Anon family groups are a fantastic family support resource for families affected by alcoholics. Consider finding your local group.

rossrach

Thanks, I was googling that earlier but to be honest I just want to move on now, I don't want to deal with his mess of a problem anymore.

R.D. aka MR.D

My father is an alcoholic and my mother stayed with him. I don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive her for the damage that her decision to do that did to me.

Seriously, don't let this man around your children until he is ready to be a father. You know how you are afraid of him? Well, multiply that by a million and you're somewhere near how your children feel. My father was lovely when he when he was sober (he went on binges for days on end, sober for a while, more binges). But the experience of growing up in house with an alcoholic has left me emotional scars that are hard to heal. I display all the signs of a 'Adult Child of an Alcoholic'. My mother could have taken my sibling and I away from all that but she decided not to.

Be strong. Stay away from him for the sake of your children if nothing else. You say that you'll feel sorry for him? Why? This 'man' has children but chooses to drink and behave like this. He doesn't deserve any sympathy.

Try to get some help. Be it from Al-anon or your GP.

Best of luck, OP. You and your children deserve better.

rossrach

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

My father is an alcoholic and my mother stayed with him. I don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive her for the damage that her decision to do that did to me.

Thanks, that's what I needed to hear. I think it's for the best taking him back but I know deep down that it's not. His mother was the exact same as him and he learned it from her. The thing is, aside from that he had a great upbringing, while I had a bad one and all I want is for a nice happy stable homelife and I can't ever get it with him.

I just feel like such a mess, I just need to get through these first few days and I will be able to deal with it all better.

m'lady

Have no advice really but just wanted to wish you luck in the future, you stronger than you realise and your children will thank you for it in the long run xx

gsi300024v

Maybe some counselling for you to be the best frame of mind you can be for you kids, there must be stuff going on with you for putting up with all that. I'm lucky both my grand fathers were alcoholics, neither of my parents drank really my gfs dad was alcoholic, so was an ex gf mam, I see the effect it had on them, so good on you for drawing a line under it for you and your kids.

LadyFenghuang

rossrach wrote: »

Thanks, I was googling that earlier but to be honest I just want to move on now, I don't want to deal with his mess of a problem anymore.

This is perhaps better than any advice anyone here could give you. You actually sound really clear headed about this. Well done because that's tough to come through.

Whilst moving on is great I would suggest you look into counseling. I was the same as you after going through an abusive relationship. I just wanted to get on and move on. But the anxiety and emotions linger and hover. I think you should consider getting help to deal because it catches up with you later on . It's actually part of moving on.

I am not going to say all I could say here. There is no point. But I really feel you have made an epic brilliant decision.

You deserve better for you and your children. So many people think better the devil i know. You have made a gutsy decision.

gsi300024v

Possibly write down all the reasons you not going back there, get it out and read it again if tempted, you've been tempted back before so quite possible your mind set might change over time.
Also many people go for the same partner over and over without even meaning to, the counselling might help with that.

Xterminator

hi. your relationship with the father is obviously over, and understandably so. and this is the 1st step in moving on in your life from what you have been put through. Look after yourself you deserve it.

I would recommend you bear in mind you will need to maintain a civil relationship with the father of your children, into the future ; or you both will be damaging the chances of your children enjoying some kind of relationship with both of their parents.

you sound like a very nice person and there is not a hint of you doing anything wrong. But i suppose i'm just saying don't burn any bridges because it feels good now, but may have consequences later.

The_fever

I suppose to be clear alanon is about your recovery not his. Looking at why you invite this into your life. Fantastic people. My advice is leave, don't answer the phone to him no matter what emotional blackmail he or his family throw at you. If he wants to see the kids there is a route he can take. Alcoholics are masters of manipulation... Mind yourself and the kids...

scriba

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

But the experience of growing up in house with an alcoholic has left me emotional scars that are hard to heal. I display all the signs of a 'Adult Child of an Alcoholic'. My mother could have taken my sibling and I away from all that but she decided not to.

Be strong. Stay away from him for the sake of your children if nothing else. You say that you'll feel sorry for him? Why? This 'man' has children but chooses to drink and behave like this. He doesn't deserve any sympathy.

I fully agree with this, OP. My childhood experiences (and their emotional legacy) are probably very similar: I could have written the exact same post as R.D. aka MR.D. Help your kids, your partner is beyond any help you can give.

gsi300024v

Was there drinking in your family too when you were a kid? Seems to follow a lot.

CaraMay

Well done op.

rossrach

LadyFenghuang wrote: »

This is perhaps better than any advice anyone here could give you. You actually sound really clear headed about this. Well done because that's tough to come through.

Whilst moving on is great I would suggest you look into counseling. I was the same as you after going through an abusive relationship. I just wanted to get on and move on. But the anxiety and emotions linger and hover. I think you should consider getting help to deal because it catches up with you later on . It's actually part of moving on.

I am not going to say all I could say here. There is no point. But I really feel you have made an epic brilliant decision.

You deserve better for you and your children. So many people think better the devil i know. You have made a gutsy decision.

Thank you, I do understand what you're saying about counselling but tbh I've been doing a lot of self discovery on my own through the last year and trying to move forward, I've been very clear with myself saying this is what I will accept in future, this is what i'm moving towards and so on. Him attending counselling last year was the last ditch effort to fix the problem. I know my reasons why I feel like I feel and I also anticipate all the problems I will still have to deal with in the future but at the moment I feel clear headed enough to deal with it on my own.

Xterminator wrote: »

hi. your relationship with the father is obviously over, and understandably so. and this is the 1st step in moving on in your life from what you have been put through. Look after yourself you deserve it.

I would recommend you bear in mind you will need to maintain a civil relationship with the father of your children, into the future ; or you both will be damaging the chances of your children enjoying some kind of relationship with both of their parents.

you sound like a very nice person and there is not a hint of you doing anything wrong. But i suppose i'm just saying don't burn any bridges because it feels good now, but may have consequences later.

Thanks, yes I fully intend to be civil, despite this problem with alcohol he is a wonderful father to the kids, he is so different when he drinks, I'd never cut him out or want to burn any bridges.
TBH I get over the anger very quick when he does this and then I tend to just feel sad for him because he's so upset and convinced he won't do it again....that's the hard part.

gsi300024v wrote: »

Was there drinking in your family too when you were a kid? Seems to follow a lot.

No there wasn't any drinking in my family but I wasn't really raised with much love, my mother was very cold towards me and it led to a whole lot of problems, I suppose I felt very emotionally abandoned , I never felt like I had a family until I got together with my partner and we've been together since we were young so it was hard to give that up...because he did give me love most of the time.

Reading back on my OP I can see the same pattern this always follows, I'm a mess initially but then i'm calm and then he's really upset and I forgive him but of course remain anxious because these type of things leave scars...but I had said to myself that I couldn't put up with it anymore so I just have to be strong and although i'm still worried about him I can't go back to him.

MrWalsh

rossrach wrote: »

Reading back on my OP I can see the same pattern this always follows, I'm a mess initially but then i'm calm and then he's really upset and I forgive him but of course remain anxious because these type of things leave scars...but I had said to myself that I couldn't put up with it anymore so I just have to be strong and although i'm still worried about him I can't go back to him.

Im another one who had an alcoholic parent. Could have written the same post as R.D. aka MR.D.

Im going to tell you what became of my mother because she did the same, got trapped in a pattern that ended up with her feeling so sorry for him (and because she really did love him), that she kept going back. She ended up having a stroke in her early 50s from the stress and was physically and somewhat mentally disabled afterwards. They both insisted he would give up work and become her official "carer". The stroke was the trigger for him to go all out on the booze. It had been bad before, it was monstrous after. They both barely survived for a few years after the stroke, multiple hospital admissions, lost all contact with friends/family (mostly driven away by his aggression), and then he caused an accident that killed them both.

The longer term fall out was that myself and my only sibling are estranged, and I am also estranged from any extended family (more so that I never knew them in the first place) and I still suffer the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent.

So you have saved yourself and your kids from all of the above. Well done!! Stay strong!!

rossrach

MrWalsh wrote: »

Im another one who had an alcoholic parent. Could have written the same post as R.D. aka MR.D.

Im going to tell you what became of my mother because she did the same, got trapped in a pattern that ended up with her feeling so sorry for him (and because she really did love him), that she kept going back. She ended up having a stroke in her early 50s from the stress and was physically and somewhat mentally disabled afterwards. They both insisted he would give up work and become her official "carer". The stroke was the trigger for him to go all out on the booze. It had been bad before, it was monstrous after. They both barely survived for a few years after the stroke, multiple hospital admissions, lost all contact with friends/family (mostly driven away by his aggression), and then he caused an accident that killed them both.

The longer term fall out was that myself and my only sibling are estranged, and I am also estranged from any extended family (more so that I never knew them in the first place) and I still suffer the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent.

So you have saved yourself and your kids from all of the above. Well done!! Stay strong!!

Thanks for sharing your story MrWalsh. I'm so sorry to hear it and I really hope I can minimise any damage to my children now.

All last year I was picturing myself at that age saying I'm not going to be that person and i'm not going to live my life like this. I don't want this for me and I certainly don't want this for my kids.

Well he went to an AA meeting yesterday and was very surprised to hear that most of the people there had similar stories to him. He said someone said a lot of people walk in thinking they won't fit in there because they're not drinking every night of the week but if someone asks you "is your drinking costing you more than money?" and the answer is yes then you need help. He came away from it feeling very positive which I presume is common enough.....especially when you attend for the first time when you're deep in regret mode.

gsi300024v

And it's a relief to admit you've a problem, it's still no were near having dealt with it. Try keep that in mind .