Why do I avoid interacting much with people?

LegacyUser

This is a big problem for me and really started around the time I was 16 years old. As an only child, I was alone quite a lot when I was young. I was and still am a very shy person, unable to assert myself very well. I'm used to being alone, but I don't understand why it's my automatic desire to want to be alone. Life is nowhere near as fulfilling as it could be when i'm spending it on my own. I have this idea in my head that there is nobody else in the world similar to me in terms of how I spend my time.

I will give a few examples of the uniqueness of my issue. In my first real world job after college, I sat at my desk and ate lunch alone 80% of the time. Preferring to browse the internet rather than making small talk with colleagues. In college I never bothered trying to interact with people. I didn't talk to classmates until my final year and I didn't join clubs etc. I travel alone all the time and when I travel alone I spend at least 70-80% of my time literally alone, wandering around cities exploring. I spend most of my leisure time in my bedroom alone playing guitar and for years before playing computer games (gave them up recently).

I wouldn't go as far as to say im a complete recluse but im pretty close to it. I have 2 or 3 friends but only really close with one. I've always had at least one very good friend so ive been lucky in that sense. I go out nearly every weekend and I talk a lot with people when I've had a few drinks. Any time there was a work night out in my job, I went to it and talked a lot with people. But the desire to do it is just never there when im sober. I prefer to keep to myself. I know this is very odd behaviour. If im around a group of people that I've known for a while and I say something, I can almost feel the awkwardness. People are thinking "why is he talking?, he never talks". And then I'll go red and try leave the situation asap. Ditto when my boss talks to me. I go red almost without fail and my social skills dwindle to nothing because I don't know what to say. I'm not even listening to him im jsut thinking about the fact im blushing.

I'm not sure if this is all down to a fear of being judged combined with shyness or there is something deeper going on. The fact I just don't bother even attempting to socialize when im sober is worrying. I'll go through these periods of being very good with it like when I started my first job I was chatty as hell but then I went back into autopilot mode of keeping quiet and to myself. When im around people who are noticeably at the opposite end of the scale to me in terms of sociability, this is when I go really quiet.

It's just very annoying and disheartening because I only get one chance at life and im spending it mostly alone. Missing out on loads of opportunities to connect with people. I have a personality but its always hiding in the background until I've loosened up with a couple of beers. even then sometimes I stay quiet if im in a big group due to the whole fear of being judged thing. I am writing here because i have no idea where to even begin with this problem. I have done a lot of things to put myself in situations where im around people, especially in the last 2 or 3 years, but the problem persists. I'm starting to lose hope.

tolosenc

Does it actually bother you, or does it bother you because you feel you should be Mr Interactive?

Dude, you sound like an introvert. Nothing wrong with that - loads of us are (and probably a much higher contingent on a site like this!).

As a suggestion - next time you have a couple of beers with work people on a Friday, why not continue to talk with them the same way on the Monday after (even if it is just over instant messenger in the office)?

LadyFenghuang

Maybe you prefer your own company?

You don't HAVE to be like everyone else.

Are you happy?

You are fine just the way you are so long as you are happy.

I don't know as to WHY. Is it that you see no value in these interactions? Some people are not people people. What i mean is some people don't do small chat.

'I'm not even listening to him im jsut thinking about the fact im blushing.'

Maybe just listen ? That is a rare precious gift.

jacksie66

This post has been deleted.

looksee

jacksie66 wrote: »

I love spending time alone. I can do what u want or go where I want. I recently spend 4 days travelling around the south Island of New Zealand on my own. I loved it. I went home for a month in March and went to Oslo on my own.
The way I see it people who enjoy spending time on their own are more secure with themselves. People who need to be around people constantly usually are just attention seeking, from my experience.
People often asked me am I lonely just because I like being alone. Nope, Im just quite happy doing my own thing and you should too.

OP, I would be very doubtful about justifying one's own actions or attitudes by criticising other people's, as suggested here.

You have to look at your own situation, which I think you are doing very well. You are aware of what may be difficulties or issues in your life and are trying to decide how important they are.

Just don't let this introspection overwhelm you, get on with your life in the way that seems most comfortable to you, try and make some small adjustments to your interaction with other people, if you think it is important.

Remember - people are not thinking about you or judging you to anything like the extent you think they are, do not work on that basis. Once you realise that people are not at all concerned about the details of how you react to situations - whether you blush, whether you are talking more or less than usual - you will find life a lot easier.

Jack B. Badd

OP, it sounds like there are two separate things going on here. 1) You're (primarily) a strong introvert & 2) you're shy. I used to be similar & wasn't very happy about it but once I got over my shyness & embraced my introverted nature, I became much happier with myself. Our society reveres extroversion but for a lot of us it's not a realistic state to emulate & we end up thinking there's something wrong with us as a result (there's not!). Quiet by Susan Cain is a very good read to try to understand introversion. If I were you I would work on your shyness as that seems to be your actual issue & can be overcome with some work & practice in social situations. You'll probably never be the "life of the party" in a large group without going against your own nature but you don't have to be so long as you're comfortable in situations where you want to be (like talking to your boss or in a small group of friends).

LegacyUser

It's just that I find my own introverted ways difficult to accept sometimes, partly because im told by people that im being weird and partly because I feel myself that im missing out on a lot in life by keeping to myself.

For example, in a work placement during college I remember being out to lunch with people from the office and I seen a friend of mine and was chatting with him not a bother and I overheard one of the people from my work say "wow, what a difference". It's like I only feel really chatty with people when I know they will accept me and like me. Another more recent case of it being pointed out to me is when a girl who i share a room with in my hostel said "what is wrong with you, why do you stay in the room all the time?". When people are constantly pointing out my introverted ways I am inclined to feel theres something very wrong. I have managed to get by so far in life so something tells me im not that messed up but if I don't have the desire to chat to people unless im very comfortable with them, ill probably never get married or have another girlfriend or move up the corporate ladder.

blatantrereg

Your only problem is that you think you should be different to how you are. But how you are is fine and won't cause any of the things you worry about.

The people who are passing comment on you are intrusive and rude. They are the ones who should adjust their behaviour. You yourself sound grand.

Rubberchikken

If you're happy with the way you live your life then leave it at that. If you're not, then change things.
Other people love company, love lots of people around them. That'a just the way they are. It's not a bad thing, or a notice thing, it's just the way they want to live their lives.

Take care

milli milli

ill probably never get married or have another girlfriend or move up the corporate ladder.

Do you want these things OP? Then it's probably good for you to socialise a bit more, if you do.
Something tells me you do want something more, because you referred to it in your opening post about 'missing out'.

You don't have to change who you are - you're an introvert - nothing wrong with that. But in today's world, you do need to be extroverted in certain situations, if only to make things easier.
Going red when people talk to you, and not being able to remember what's being said, is distressing and uncomfortable. Wouldn't it be great, if you didn't go red when people talked to you and it was no big deal to chat away?

These kind of things get easier and become no big deal with just putting yourself in social situations and practising a bit.

When I was younger I was painfully shy and never said boo to a goose. I found certain social situations painful.
Now I'm very friendly and I'll chat to everyone. Of course there's some situations that might scare me a bit, e.g. Public speaking but to be honest, I'll still do them, if only because the experience will be good for me. Actually I would say that I've gotten to a point where I don't find public speaking the scariest thing.
But it's only from lots of experience and knowing that I won't fall apart if I do it.

It's ok to spend a lot of time on your own, if you're happy and you don't feel like you're missing out. But human beings are social animals and we do need people.
Good luck OP

rosie16

I could have written your post, op. It's almost a mirror image of my life. Like you I isolated myself when I was a teenager. It's hard not to isolate myself when I'm so used to being on my own. I don't know how to let people in. Now, I want to have more than one friend, I want to have a travel buddy but I don't know how to make friends. And I feel the same about worrying about missing out on life alone. I'm afraid I'll still be in this situation in a few years time. For me, I know that I need to put myself out there more even if its something I'm not comfortable with.

Dave!

Hey OP,

I'm not dissimilar to you, though I've changed a bit in recent years.

I would have always been very quiet in school, and in college too my confidence was pretty low, primarily because I had really bad acne. So I coasted through, and consequently I have no amazing experiences from my college days, and no big group of college friends either. Though, the more people I chat to about this (about not throwing myself into the college experience), the more I realise it's very very common! Only in the last couple of weeks I'd say 3 different people told me they didn't get the most out of college. They're not exactly paralysed with regret over it. In my experience it's very rare for people in their late 20's to still be in touch with – much less close friends with – people from their school and college days. I also know quite a few people who were disappointed with their 20's, and are looking forward to their 30's.

Basically stop beating yourself up over experiences you think you missed out on – fun doesn't stop once you hit a certain age, and there are lots of things that you can do that will result in better experiences over the next couple of years.

I would draw a bit of a distinction between being introverted and being shy. Being introverted is fine, I'm pretty introverted myself, usually prefer my own company really. There's no reason to change your personality as an introvert, embrace it.

There's nothing wrong with being shy either, but I think most shy people wish they weren't, and I think it's healthy to try and get through it. There is likely some good advice and techniques for getting over shyness, but I think that challenging yourself is a good thing. Get out of your comfort zone. I'd imagine you aren't too comfortable in front of crowds either. Most people aren't. It was one of my biggest fears, I was terrified, and I knew that it was something that was going to hold me back my whole life, so I threw myself into a course that I knew would require a lot of presentations. It's one of the best things I've ever done. I'd really recommend you do a few things that challenge your shyness and force you to interact with people. But if you're going to do it, then consciously decide at the beginning that you're going to throw yourself into it.

Even aside from the 'challenging yourself' thing, you should seek to explore any interests that you have – you'll find it so satisfying, and get great experiences out of it, pick up new skills, flesh out your CV, probably make new friends, get new opportunities, etc.

I did a creative writing class, then a photography class, then a poetry class, then a postgrad, joined a band (we're gigging and have been on the radio!)... and I'm now considering joining a beginners' acting class, and then possibly some sort of amateur drama club! :P I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back (though I am proud of my personal progress), but as some examples. It should also illustrate that amazing progress is very, very possible in a short period of time. I am in no way a performer, and have spent my entire life trying to avoid situations where I have to stand in front of crowds speaking, much less singing, and within a couple of years I'm thinking the next thing I want to do is to perform in a f*cking play! I've also made some great friends, and had some great experiences. And yet for all of this stuff, I still prefer my own company, so don't feel that you have to compromise your personality if you are an introvert.

Another thing is that I know being pigeonholed as 'the quiet guy' sucks, and really compounds the problem. I think you need to give yourself permission to re-invent yourself to an extent. You don't have to be the guy you were in school/college for the rest of your life – at any time, you can just decide "f*ck this", and become someone else. Don't allow yourself to be trapped in a character that you yourself don't like being – life is too short. That's a really important thing that I've realised.

One more thing on that note is that, if it's possible, unless there's something keeping you there, you might consider changing jobs. Maybe it's not an option, or it might be a drastic thing given your circumstances, I dunno. But I've always found changing jobs to be a fresh start, and I love having a clean slate. Your current boss knows you're a quiet/shy guy. Your next boss doesn't know sh*t about you. They'll form their impression based on how you present yourself to them.

I'm rambling now. Take care.