Hate My Life

LegacyUser

I am struggling so much at the moment and I feel like I have nowhere to turn.

I have been with my partner for a long time. When the recession hit, he lost his job and I stayed in a job that I hated to support us. He worked in minimum wage jobs for about 18 months and then got a good job. I was trapped in my job, applying all around but nothing came up. I stayed there for years, dealing with abuse and bullying.

Eventually I left and got a very poorly paid job. I am extremely well qualified but while I worked, they never allowed CPD on work time, nor could I afford it on my own so I am so far behind where I should be.

My partner went from strength to strength at work, earning a high salary and saving a lot. I have not got a cent in savings, only debt after over a decade of work.

If I speak to him, he tells me to stop wasting money (I live frugally, but the loan, rent, bills, etc leaves me with €30 wriggle room a month). I have spoken to him about how unhappy I am and his response is to just take out another loan and go back to college.

I feel like it is too late. I am in my mid 30s. Everyone is buying houses, going on holiday and socialising and I am scraping by. I feel like I just can't go on any more.

I resent my partner so much. I supported him when he needed it. He has tens of thousands in the bank now and says it doesn't matter how much I earn but it does. He is not generous. If I borrowed a euro he would ask for it back asap. This is how he has money I suppose. I also resent the fact that while he did work low paid jobs for 18 months, they were fun and he enjoyed them. Then he just fell on his feet. He has worked his way up not through hard work or merit, just good luck and timing. I am struggling to go to work and he constantly talks about how important, etc he id.

I am so ashamed. I cannot admit to anyone that I earn €20k a year, with a degree, masters and over a decade of experience. I cry every day. I am a failure. If I had the money to go back to college, I wouldn't even know what to do. I have looked and nothing at all appeals.

I don't know what to do. I am so filled with shame and resentment.

FurBabyMomma

Hi OP, I really feel for you. You're not a failure, you're someone who made a huge sacrifice for their other half and is hurt and struggling now your Oh is failing to support you.

At the moment your relationship doesn't sound like a partnership. At this point I think you need to sit down with himself and figure out where to go from here. Is he willing to support you while you upskill? Does he see this partnership moving forward? Or are you going to be strung along while he ignores your struggles? He's done a lot of taking Op, a line has to be drawn in the sand somewhere as you can't continue being this unhappy.

professore

When you say you worked "to support us" does this mean you paid for him? Ask for that money back now.

He's using you, get rid of him. Go and find yourself.

Rubberchikken

it may be time to decide whether you want a future with this person or not. only you can decide.

you sound like a decent person who did their best when times were tough but your partner may not be made of such quality stuff.

i, personally, hate meaness. it's a thing that can make an otherwise good person be so unappealing.

you could try talking to them and explain where things stand and see how it goes. best of luck

santana75

Hate my life wrote: »

I have spoken to him about how unhappy I am and his response is to just take out another loan and go back to college.

I feel like it is too late. I am in my mid 30s. Everyone is buying houses, going on holiday and socialising and I am scraping by. I feel like I just can't go on any more.

This I think, is the real issue. You have an option, to go back to college and start over. But you're dismissing this because others are going on holidays or having kids????? That is such a narrow, one sized fits all view of life. Who cares if people you know are doing this or earning that amount of money. The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare your life to other people. You have to just make decisions for you, not based on how to keep up the neighbours.
To say that it's too late to go back to college in your mid 30's is insane. So many people that age and older do it. The only thing holding you back are your own preconceptions.
This has nothing to do with your partner. He's obviously looked after himself and fair play to him. Now you have to do the same. It's nothing to do with him or anyone else, it's all down to you.

woodchuck

I think there are two issues here:

1. You're unhappy in your job.
You said you have a degree, a masters and 10 years of experience. Yet you're only earning 20K. I don't know your line of work, but it sounds like you're worth more than that! Are you keeping an eye out for other jobs in your field that pay better, or at the very least have better opportunities for career advancement? Or do you want to get out of it altogether?

2. You're unhappy in your relationship.
Your partner sounds very tight with money. Was he happy to take money off you when he wasn't doing well in his own career? If so, it's a bit of a double standard that he won't do the same for you now. You have to ask yourself, is this really the type of person/relationship you want for the rest of your life?

LegacyUser

I did support him financially, but a man who earns three times my salary and will only pay 50% of everything and chases me for a euro is not going to part with anything. I supported him emotionally and practically. I did his cv, I did the interview questions for him, without me, I can guarantee that he wouldn't be where he is today. For the record, the extreme tightness only started when he was earning good money.

I do not have any options to go anywhere, I am not sure where you are getting this. I have absolutely no money, only debts. I had to take out a relatively small loan for a car (€3k) and it is taking every spare cent that I have.

I can't afford to do anything and I feel like I am trapped in a circle of poverty, so no, going back to college to do something is not even remotely an option. There is no money there for it. It is very, very hard not to look at my own, miserable, stressful life, scraping by, knowing that the quarterly bank fee charges will decimate almost all of a months 'spare' money without looking at everyone else actually living, not just surviving. It isn't the houses or the holidays, it is the potential for happiness that I feel that I will never have.

I am in my mid 30s. I have another 18 months of this loan to go. If I knew how to make it better for myself, I would.

Merkin

santana75 wrote: »

This I think, is the real issue. You have an option, to go back to college and start over. But you're dismissing this because others are going on holidays or having kids????? That is such a narrow, one sized fits all view of life. Who cares if people you know are doing this or earning that amount of money. The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare your life to other people. You have to just make decisions for you, not based on how to keep up the neighbours.
To say that it's too late to go back to college in your mid 30's is insane. So many people that age and older do it. The only thing holding you back are your own preconceptions.
This has nothing to do with your partner. He's obviously looked after himself and fair play to him. Now you have to do the same. It's nothing to do with him or anyone else, it's all down to you.

Nastiness and victim blaming won't be tolerated here. While all constructive advice is welcome, we would ask posters to please be mindful of this and respectful of others. Please consider this when you post here again.

ihavenoname3

santana75 wrote: »

This I think, is the real issue. You have an option, to go back to college and start over. But you're dismissing this because others are going on holidays or having kids????? That is such a narrow, one sized fits all view of life. Who cares if people you know are doing this or earning that amount of money. The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare your life to other people. You have to just make decisions for you, not based on how to keep up the neighbours.
To say that it's too late to go back to college in your mid 30's is insane. So many people that age and older do it. The only thing holding you back are your own preconceptions.
This has nothing to do with your partner. He's obviously looked after himself and fair play to him. Now you have to do the same. It's nothing to do with him or anyone else, it's all down to you.

I have to agree with this post to a degree but I do think the op's partner has a lot to do with how the op is feeling and I would be ending the relationship asap if I was the op.

FurBabyMomma

Are you living together? Because if you are it's even more ludicrous that he only pays 50% on 3 times the salary. You're supposed to be his life partner, not his business partner. The meanness has to stop Op.

maggiepip

Don't really know what advice to give you op but I couldn't be dealing with someone like your partner, I just couldn't take his attitude, I cannot take people who are mean with money like that and its not just about the money, its what it represents in him as a person. I think you sound desperate and I feel really sorry for you. If someone treated me like that I think I'd be making plans to go my own way.

downwesht

Sorry for your situation.You should,in my opinion write down all your finance issues on paper.
Show your partner in black and white what the situation is.Tell him that even though you want to contribute you can't and that you expect him to shoulder the burden until you get to a position where you can.
If his response is negative consider your future with him and how better off you would be without him.Have you any friend that you could lean on for support.....?you need someone other than your partner.
You are a bright,intelligent and caring individual and whether you have money or not this is who and what you are.be confident in your abilities and look at future opurtunities positively ..and keep applying,something will turn up.Good luck

strandroad

What kind of relationship is it really? You are together for many years, you live together, but you haven't pooled your resources at all? He has huge savings, but you need to borrow from a bank for a relatively small loan?

Where do you think your relationship will be five or ten years from now? Is this as committed as it gets?

The Dark Side

You call him your partner, but you're not actually partners at all.

At this stage of your relationship your finances should be pooled as a couple.

You need to discuss this with him and if he isn't willing to compromise, consider your options.

looksee

As the others have said OP, that is not a partnership. If you did become pregnant would he support you? You have no ties at the moment other than those you are making yourself. How would you be any worse off if you moved out, got your own place and made a life for yourself? I am not seeing any love or affection in either direction in your description. You are only in your 30s, that is not too old for anything, you are still a young woman, do you really want another 40+ years in those circumstances?

magicmushroom

Hate My Life wrote: »

I did support him financially, but a man who earns three times my salary and will only pay 50% of everything and chases me for a euro is not going to part with anything. I supported him emotionally and practically. I did his cv, I did the interview questions for him, without me, I can guarantee that he wouldn't be where he is today. For the record, the extreme tightness only started when he was earning good money.

I do not have any options to go anywhere, I am not sure where you are getting this. I have absolutely no money, only debts. I had to take out a relatively small loan for a car (€3k) and it is taking every spare cent that I have.

I can't afford to do anything and I feel like I am trapped in a circle of poverty, so no, going back to college to do something is not even remotely an option. There is no money there for it. It is very, very hard not to look at my own, miserable, stressful life, scraping by, knowing that the quarterly bank fee charges will decimate almost all of a months 'spare' money without looking at everyone else actually living, not just surviving. It isn't the houses or the holidays, it is the potential for happiness that I feel that I will never have.

I am in my mid 30s. I have another 18 months of this loan to go. If I knew how to make it better for myself, I would.

OP, with regards to the quarterly bank fees have you looked at changing banks? Permanent TSB don't charge the quarterly fees as far as I'm aware - I'm not sure of the ins and outs but I'm with them and I'm not charged it.

The crowd you have the loan with, have you spoken to them about your difficulties in paying it back? I had an issue myself with a loan once, I rang them and they re-financed it to lower the payments.
If they are not very helpful, I would strongly advise that you call MABS for help.

Now, about your other half - you really need to talk to him in blunt terms and TELL him what is going on and how you're feeling. He needs to know, and you need to tell him every detail of it. If after speaking with him nothing changes then I'm afraid the relationship is sadly over and he is no good for you and a waste of your time. I'm assuming you live together - do you have anywhere else you could go? Ie. live with parents for a short while?

I wouldn't be concerning yourself with going to college, with the qualifications you have I don't see how adding to the list will help you, you're better off spending the time looking for a new job. I know you are and have had no luck, but don't give up. Are you signed up with recruitment agencies? If not, get your CV into as many as you can - something WILL come up, it might not be exactly what you want but if it is an increase in finances I'm sure it won't really matter to you.

Where are you based if you don't mind me asking?

woodchuck

mhge wrote: »

What kind of relationship is it really? You are together for many years, you live together, but you haven't pooled your resources at all? He has huge savings, but you need to borrow from a bank for a relatively small loan?

Where do you think your relationship will be five or ten years from now? Is this as committed as it gets?

Personally I don't like the idea of two earners pooling all their resources (unless one is a stay at home parent). I think it's a good to keep some money separate. I wouldn't like the guilt associated with spending 'house' money on something fun just for me, but wouldn't care if it's from my own account. Also there can be issues with joint accounts being frozen if one person dies, so personally I think it makes sense to keep some money separate.

But another way to go is to have a shared bank account that you both pay into for bills, groceries etc (while also keeping separate personal accounts). The amount each person pays into the shared account is proportional to the amount they earn (i.e. your "partner" earns more, so he should contribute more - this would then give you a little more wiggle room to save).

Dark Phoenix

I would agree in that i'd never be keen on pooling all money in a relationship. however, your partner earning three times what you do and not paying a higher percentage of bills and rent is madness when you are struggling and when you supported him for a long time. from the sounds of it you get zero support anyway emotionally.

I would think college is a bad idea. A lot of people seem to use going back to college as a crutch / theoretical solution - you already have a college degree and a masters - the problem would seem to be the 20k job despite this. Are you actively looking for another better paid job that these qualifications would allow you to do?

In terms of your loan I would contact mabs to see can they advise and help.

woodchuck

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

I would think college is a bad idea. A lot of people seem to use going back to college as a crutch / theoretical solution - you already have a college degree and a masters - the problem would seem to be the 20k job despite this. Are you actively looking for another better paid job that these qualifications would allow you to do?

I have to agree with this. Going back to college isn't always the solution, especially as you have qualifications already and don't know what you'd even study if you did go back.

Have you talked to any recruiters? I'm sure if you tried long and hard enough you'd find a job with a salary that is a better fit for your qualifications and experience (or at least with the potential to work your way up a salary scale).

strandroad

woodchuck wrote: »

Personally I don't like the idea of two earners pooling all their resources (unless one is a stay at home parent). I think it's a good to keep some money separate. I wouldn't like the guilt associated with spending 'house' money on something fun just for me, but wouldn't care if it's from my own account. Also there can be issues with joint accounts being frozen if one person dies, so personally I think it makes sense to keep some money separate.

Yes that's what I meant... No need to dump everything into one account but if one partner earns three times more and they have three times better lifestyle while the other is scraping by it does not sound like a long term committed relationship to me at all.

I am the one earning more and we have separate accounts and our own spending; we contribute roughly equally to the bills etc and then spend/save/invest the remainder by making decisions together. I would never go and spend twice as much on myself though. We share our life and so we share our lifestyle.

Neyite

woodchuck wrote: »

I think there are two issues here:

1. You're unhappy in your job.
You said you have a degree, a masters and 10 years of experience. Yet you're only earning 20K. I don't know your line of work, but it sounds like you're worth more than that! Are you keeping an eye out for other jobs in your field that pay better, or at the very least have better opportunities for career advancement? Or do you want to get out of it altogether?

2. You're unhappy in your relationship.
Your partner sounds very tight with money. Was he happy to take money off you when he wasn't doing well in his own career? If so, it's a bit of a double standard that he won't do the same for you now. You have to ask yourself, is this really the type of person/relationship you want for the rest of your life?

Agree with this. You've told us his meanness only started when he began to earn well, so I say insist on that money back - get a lump sum and take a good hard look at your relationship and decide whether or not to cut your losses.

A couple usually undertake to support each other (thats where the richer/poorer, sickness/health, better/worse wedding vows come from) so what happens down the line if one of you (you!)gets sick or disabled? Or when you have children? He wont support you financially, and his meanness and penny pinching will grind you down - honestly, even with a decent job, could you stand another 50 -60 years of this from him?

I suspect that if he reciprocated your generosity, your career prospects would be a lot more bearable.

ShowMeTheCash

Hi OP.

Just a few questions I think others have asked.

You say you supported him emotionally and practically, but there are a few things around this that seem odd.

Are you living together? How long have you guys been together?
Do you split rent?
Or if you do not live together have you ever had to pay his bills?

Emotionally and practically is fine but have you ever gave him money or paid his way?

It is a little difficult to gauge the situation as it is hard to know as a couple how independent you guys are of each other?

Can I ask what your degree is in? And is the job you have related to the degree you took? It seems strange that you are earning 20K after 4/5 years at uni? And now 10 years of experience.

FizzleSticks

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