My gf wants to go with her friend instead of me...

morcki2014

My and my gf are together for cca 10 months. So we have planned to go on vacation for this weekend (somewhere 2 hours driving away to the sea, beach since the summer is almost there ). So, few days ago she said she cant wait to go, was counting the days till we go, etc... and I said I really dont have a feeling since the weather was not really summer like for a few days. I said I hope it ll be a good weather down there because it wont be much of vacation otherwise... She said she doesn’t care, she wants to go and will go even if that means she ll go alone. So I was looking for a weather forecast a few days back and the forecast wasnt bad – sunny and cloudy but no rain. So I texted my gf 3 days ago ‘Its gonna be sunny good night’. She replied good night. We didnt talk about the vacation after that.

We suppose to go on vacation today after work. So yesterday I packed my bags, and she called me afternoon and the first thing she said was ‘Will you miss me?’ I was silent, didn’t kow what to think.. I though it was some kind of joke, but it didt sound like one by the sound of her voice. I told her I do not get it, don’t understand. She said ‘will you miss me this weekend? Im going on vacation with my best girl friend’ I said WTF?? Told her I have never said I wont go, and asked her did she just made decision like this all by herself? She said YES and was very angry. She said she doesn’t want watching me in the bad mood because the weather is gonna be bad. I told her it will be good and there wont be any rain.. I told her I even sent her text massage because i was looking at forecast and it ll be allright. She said she knows someone who lives there and they talked and he said its gonna be rainy so she decided that she will took her friend with her and left me at home. She said she took my text as a joke...

I have never said I wont go. I told her ‘ allright, go with your friend then. I m prepered to go, have my baggage ready but if that’s your decision go ahead’
She said ‘ I have to talk to my friend, to check out if she already took a day off from her job’ She said she will let my know later…

I don’t know what to think now.. .I have never said I wont go, and we were on vacation like this once before and we had a great time together… What should I do if she chose her freiend anyway and leave me at home.. How to act around her if she decides to ditch her friend and go with me… im very upset… I think its just childins for 2 people in therir late 20s to have these kind of problems…

FizzleSticks

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retro:electro

The fact that she earlier said to you "I'm going even if I have to go alone" indicates that you articulated your doubts to her about going. She probably assumed you weren't bothered and asked her friend instead. It's not as if you were fully gung ho and committed and excited. Let her go with her friend and the two of you go somewhere another time, somewhere where its perpetually sunny.

LegacyUser

Is this how the two of you usually communicate? If so, I suggest you both learn a lesson from this and bring some clarity to your communication.

This whole issue could have been avoided by you giving her a clear answer, you're either going or your not. If you don't give her a clear answer or let her think you're unlikely to go, then don't moan when she makes other plans. Saying the forecast was sunny in a text didn't actually say "It's sunny, I'm going".

She also could have asked clearly whether you were coming or not and let you know she'd look for other company if you weren't into it, but you left that possibility open with your behaviour.

So far what you have looks like you were being non-committal so you could see if it suited you, which was messing her about and a bit controlling, but now you want to moan that she wanted to carry on with her plans when you didn't communicate properly. You're right, two people in their 20s shouldn't have these issues, so maybe it's time for you to mature and communicate properly and stop blaming her for a situation you created.

The Dark Side

You shouldn't have given her the impression that you going was dependent on the weather.

For one thing, this is Ireland - sometimes it rains. Anyhow I would have thought a couple in their late 20's would find some way to punch in the time if it rained.

While you mightn't have said 'no', it seems you certainly didn't say 'yes', so she went and arranged to go with her friend instead.

You've now put her in the difficult position of having to choose between the two of you. Be the bigger man and let her go with her friend.

Ultimately, learn from this to communicate better with you GF in the future.

readyletsgo

In fairness, you sound very negative about the weather, she was looking forward to getting away for a few days, and you say weather is bad might be bad over the weekend too, she doesn't care about the weather just wants to get away for a few days no matter what the weather is like.

And reading over your OP, what a silly argument to be having. Weather. Read between the lines dude, you didn't say you were actually going with her, she invited her best friend. She doesn't want to go with you..... Sorry OP. Next time don't be so negative about 'the weather'. I was with a guy like that over tiny things. Head melt all the time.

DukeOfTheSharp

...I'll have to go against the general grain here and say: what in the name of god was she actually thinking? You never said you wouldn't go, you just implied that you hoped the weather was good, otherwise it'd be kind of a downer (as anyone would say, it's a typical Irish response to trips, for god's sake). I can't decipher how anything you said inferred the idea of you not going, but it seems like she's a major chancer who threw her toys out of the pram (the whole 'I'd go on my own' bit is a major overreaction) and created her own narrative to impose on the situation because of that, getting mad at you when said narrative was rendered null and void. You've a serious red flag here, trust me when I say this won't be the last time she does something like this, it's hard-wired into her to create drama and issues because she seems to be very headstrong - in the worst way possible - and has a tantrum when you refuse to see things exactly her way.

I'd like to point out here that the OP is not at fault, it takes two people to communicate effectively, and he didn't convey anything to say he wasn't going. The fault lies on the OP's girlfriend, who actively went out of her way to not talk to him about what was going on, concocted her own narrative to suit her, and then got mad at him for her - rather massive - mistake. These are all classic sign of an individual with no regard or respect for the person they're with.

My advice OP? Don't give her a choice. Dump her. It's not an overreaction, it's simply stating that after ten months, you're not dealing with this kind of immature crap. It was up to her to confirm with you if you were going, and reality took a back seat to her narrative. You're too old to be dealing with this sort of thing, she's highly immature, and her reaction is largely negative because she knows she's in the wrong and she put herself in that situation. Don't heap the blame on yourself or get caught up in the turmoil of her poor decision making. You're early enough in the relationship to avoid significant investment, so get gone. You'll find someone who treats you better than she has, who is actually an adult, not a child, acting like an adult.

tara73

for me this all sounds weird and proves that texting so often is not the right thing to communicate.
why don't you both just phoned and cleared things? fixed, if you two go for the weekend together or not, care about bad weather or not etc. instead of assuming things.

Flippyfloppy

I have to agree with Dukeofthesharp. Ops girlfriend seems to be playing some sort of game with him/teaching him a little lesson.

He was well entitled to say that the weather mightn't be nice...wouldn't we all prefer to get the most out the the sun when we go away in Ireland?

Yet he didn't say he wasn't going, was just noting his doubts. Now if there's really no more to the story than we've been told, I would say the girl is completely in the wrong and being extremely inconsiderate.

Did you have anything booked OP?

jimmycrackcorm

Flippyfloppy wrote:

He was well entitled to say that the weather mightn't be nice...wouldn't we all prefer to get the most out the the sun when we go away in Ireland?

I think it's more the point that he never fully committed to it and had the weather been bad he certainly wouldn't be going. I think the girlfriend is right, she is going with someone who would want to spend the time with her rather than someone who was prepared to let her go on her own and then decided he wants to commit.

maggiepip

I'd take her behviour as shes trying to "teach you a lesson", or she used it as an excuse to go without you (I'm not trying to be mean here). Either way she's in the wrong, not you.

FizzleSticks

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Colser

maggiepip wrote: »

I'd take her behviour as shes trying to "teach you a lesson", or she used it as an excuse to go without you (I'm not trying to be mean here). Either way she's in the wrong, not you.

I agree but I think shes in the right:pac:
You sat on the fence over the weather OP ..She didnt know if she was going away or not because you thought it might rain She has taught you a lesson. Im surprised that a weekend away with your girlfriend at your age could be put off due to weather tbh

DeltaWhite

Agree that the gf was in the wrong here.. She could have at least phoned you to confirm you's were still on for the trip. That's what I would have done if I were her, just seems real sly what she did. And I don't buy the whole "you were moaning about the weather" malark. If you were my bf, I'd have told you to suck it up and get over it! Serious communication issues between you both!

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I can't decipher how anything you said inferred the idea of you not going, .

You really can't see how the OP saying "I really dont have a feeling since the weather was not really summer like for a few days." implies he won't go? Seriously?

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

My advice OP? Don't give her a choice. Dump her.

Are you for real? Dump her instead of the two of them learning a lesson to communicate better and the OP copping on that it was mostly his failure to be clear when his GF was clearly saying all along that it was her intention to go, with or without him? That's madness and just terrible advice.

Dumping her over this is a stupid idea imo
If he was so meh about it and calling it not much of a holiday, i wouldn't want to bring him either
However the next step would be to actually tell him so, not just make alternative plans without letting him know

There is a pair of you in this and you both need to learn to communicate

OneOfThem

Is she 12?

liz lemoncello

Guessed wrote: »

.....
So far what you have looks like you were being non-committal so you could see if it suited you, which was messing her about and a bit controlling, ...

I think that's an extreme interpretation. Also, an extreme bit advice from those who tell the OP to dump her. I agree with most posters that this seems to be about a lack of communication.

DukeOfTheSharp

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I hardly believe a throwaway sentence which in no way conveys a solid 'no' can be seen as a cause for blame. Nothing he said meant he wouldn't go, he simply meant he had no major feelings on the matter given that the weather has been choppy and, obviously, wanted to see what it'd be like. This is a fairly typical response, I know plenty of people who say this and their OHs never decide to head off somewhere without them. What's clear is that the OPs girlfriend simply decided, of her own volition, to interpret something he said as a means of getting her way. There's no earthly way someone could interpret a sentence commonly spoken in Ireland as a 'not wanting to go' somewhere. Given her over the top reactions in what is now three different situations: the 'I'd go on my own', the deciding on taking her friend and concocting her own narrative and then the getting angry because her idea was wrong - thus she was at fault - clearly shows a lack of communication, consideration and maturity. The OP is, I believe, shocked at what's happened, and is being put in a terrible position emotionally due to his girlfriend's inconsideration. There's only one person losing out here, she still gets her trip, the OP was simply an option that was quickly discarded.

DukeOfTheSharp

Guessed wrote: »

You really can't see how the OP saying "I really dont have a feeling since the weather was not really summer like for a few days." implies he won't go? Seriously?



Are you for real? Dump her instead of the two of them learning a lesson to communicate better and the OP copping on that it was mostly his failure to be clear when his GF was clearly saying all along that it was her intention to go, with or without him? That's madness and just terrible advice.

No, no I can't. He simply said what plenty of people say, since this is Ireland. Who wouldn't want a holiday/trip to take place in good weather? It in no way implies he won't go, just that he hopes it'll be nice.

...let me put this as simply as I can: the OP did nothing wrong here. His GF - who made the decision to take her friend, who overreacted twice now to the situation and made poor decisions communication and consideration-wise, did not care to confirm the details, instead opting to make the OP an option - one which she readily and easily discarded. What she said, about going alone, was an overreaction, pure and simple. From the OP's post, we can see two very clear situations which occurred because of her reactions being over-the-top. The sad truth is that she doesn't seem to care that she clearly made huge errors in judgement, created her own narrative due to her imagined wounded ego, and in lack the maturity to actually confirm if the OP was going or not - which was her responsibility, if she wanted to go. Putting the OP is a hugely compromising emotional position is unwarranted, immature and just plain selfish. She wanted to go, the OP wanted to go, and she used a throwaway sentence to remove the OP from the equation. This was one trip in Ireland, imagine if the OP stays with her and plans to go abroad? God forbid he voice his concerns over the weather/general climate, lest his girlfriend take it as a sign he doesn't want to go, and takes another friend instead. She inclined towards temper tantrums, poor communication, jumping to conclusions and making the OP an option, in place of a priority. As long as she gets her way, all is well, but the minute her narrative falls apart, there'll be hell to pay. Nobody should have to deal with someone like that, and ten months in is an ideal time to get out before things get worse.

nikkibikki

My tuppence worth....you are both in the wrong. I'm sure ye would have found a way to spend the time if it were raining all weekend! Why would that have stopped you? She probably wanted to spend the time with you regardless as that was the most important thing to her. Spending time with you. She was probably a bit hurt that it wasn't and made alternative arrangements, but she still should have made sure 110% that you weren't going before making alternative arrangements. Ye just need to communicate more.....Both of ye....

Flippyfloppy

While I agree that the weather isn't the B all and end all, especially in Ireland when you can have sunny mornings followed by overcast days, OP said their intention was to hit the beach. Going to the beach in Ireland when it's dull is like being on Craggy island. And Ireland isn't exactly cheap to go away in, so it isn't a nice feeling to spend all that money to end up stuck indoors, granted they should find plenty to do.

Nevertheless, op didn't say he wasn't going. He just said he wasn't too excited due to the unpredictable weather. Is he not allowed talk about his feelings/opinions without the OH deciding he's not going?!

This issue should have been tackled in more depth when the OH said she'd go alone .... Did this comment come up out of the blue OP or had you really said something to the effect of not going?

LadyFenghuang

To be honest you guys sound like you have way more issues than this vacation. You are terrible communicators.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You had both made plans to go on this holiday. You said it wouldn't be much of a holiday if the weather wasn't good. She then invites someone else, doesn't tell you until the day of/before the trip (not sure from the OP), and makes some comment about not wanting to sit around looking at you in a bad mood. I'd be pretty pissed off in your position, if this is out of the blue.

OP, would you say you're a pretty negative or pessimistic person generally? I only ask because I used to go out with someone like that, it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything and when he did it was just complain, complain, complain. Constantly making negative comments about people, food, weather, music, TV, news items...EVERYTHING. Even when they were negative comments I'd agree with, he'd just keep going on about it as though I was contradicting him or something. And he just could not understand how exhausting and deeply irritating that was to be around.

Now, I never left him in the lurch like your GF but absolutely a lot of the time if there was something I was really looking forward to I wouldn't invite him, because he really would ruin it by just standing there with a face like a slapped arse and picking the whole thing apart either at the time or afterwards.

That "I don't want to spend the holiday watching you in a bad mood" doesn't sound like the kind of comment that comes out of nowhere.

Mr. Incognito

1. Make plans to go on holiday with gf.

2. Moan about weather. Missus says going even if i have to go alone. Man should apologise. Doesnt. Dick move.

3. Woman invites friend, or pretends to have invited friend. Punishment or actual. Bitch move either way. Leaves in lurch.


I would tell her, hey, fantastic. Have a fab weekend, will go for pints with the lads and watch the Scotland match.

Then have a chat Monday. Ye sound like children.

Maurice Greene.

The OP's negativity about the weather does not warrant the response and action taken by his girlfriend.
I don't like negativity and if I was on the receiving end of it like his girlfriend, I would just remind her to be optimistic and be happy to get away on a break.
I would not do what she did though....

CaraMay

I'm not sure it's Ireland. He uses the word vacation constantly which leads me to think North America. Op do you both share the same native language - sounds like communication breakdown

osarusan

Memphis Rough Knitting wrote: »

You had both made plans to go on this holiday. You said it wouldn't be much of a holiday if the weather wasn't good. She then invites someone else, doesn't tell you until the day of/before the trip (not sure from the OP), and makes some comment about not wanting to sit around looking at you in a bad mood. I'd be pretty pissed off in your position, if this is out of the blue.

My thoughts also.

I wonder if there is some underlying issue that has burst to the surface through this.

Her actions had a hint of 'fed up with this yet again' off them, but we don't know if that is the case.


Also, I'd wonder how the original conversation went. The 'I'm going even if it's by myself' line - what brought it on? What was it in response to?

Finally, the idea that the text about the weather being good is not an indicator that the trip is still on (from his POV) is just silly really.

dixiefly

I have to say based on the assumption that the OP has described this correctly that I would be rightly pissed off at my gf in this instance. It wouldn't in itself be a reason to finish it but I would start looking a lot more closely at the relationship. It may be that this a symptom of the relationship but there is no getting around the fact that I would be stunned if my wife or any ex had done that, especially after 10 months together when ye have got to know each other but probably havent been away too often.

The implications might be different for both sides and there could be culpability on both sides but the truth seem to be that she willingly dropped you for the weekend with seemingly very little justification. Not a sign of a couple particularly "into each other".

So, whatever has happened for this weekend has happened, if it was me I would be continuing in the relationship with eyes very much wide open and observing if it is a relationship I wanted to be in long term.

Dark Phoenix

I think ye were both in the wrong.

You made plans and yet you were really negative towards those plans implying that you didnt want to go / were not looking forward to hit due to weather etc. (Its ireland, the weather is usually crap could ye not find indoor stuff to do?). She was excited about it and said she was going either way.

Yes she should have talked about it with you before inviting someone else instead. That was poor form on her side. That said though I had an ex who was really negative before and its honestly such a pain in the @rse always being the positive person and feeling like your OH is only going to something because you are dragging them along.