twins

LegacyUser

Im sorry to be so morbid but.................
My daughter would have been 7 today. At 18 I gave birth to two beautiful girls, they were identical twins. At five months I woke up and one baby had died in her sleep.
I keep my mind incredibly busy and don't often think about it but for some reason i am finding things very difficult at the moment. Every milestone my daughter hits is a milestone her sister misses. It feels as though it is a life sentence.
I worry that my daughter will always feel sadness on these milestones too. She is AMAZING. I know every mother says that but she is such a polite, well mannered, gracious and sympathetic young lady. I sometimes wonder how she turned out as well as she has.
I hate leaving one twin out, they were always dressed identically, fed simultaneously, bathed together slept together etc. Now when I have to buy one birthday gift instead of two it feels like a betrayal.
My partner doesn't speak about it, not that it bothers him when I do but he doesn't say very much so I don't like to talk to him about it. Everything I have said about her, I have already said a million times and it is a burden to put on others. Everybody has pain and grief and I don't want to put mine on others by telling them that things are bothering me.
Its so hard not to imagine two little girls in their identical dresses at their birthday party playing with all their friends. This in particular kills me. What would she be like?
I guess im not really looking for advice but maybe someone in a similar situation could get in contact

HelgaWard

I just wanted to reply and pass on my condolences for your huge loss. I think loosing a child, whether they be 5 months/5years/15 years or 50 years old is a incredibly difficult thing to go through. It sounds to me that perhaps because you were obviously so busy with your surviving daughter that possibly you did not really grieve for the daughter you lost at the time? Perhaps it would be good to get some counseling about this? I don't think you should shy away from talking about your daughter you lost, people might be reserved to bring it up in case it upsets you but be only too happy to speak about your daughter if you bring it up. I think it is very very important to remember your daughter, and maybe you could commemorate in some way on their birthday, like lighting a candle especially for her? She was real, she lived, she was your daughter you have every right to remember her.

My own Mum had twin boys born at 32 weeks, one died the day after they were born, the other is now 40. My Dad arranged and attended the funeral but my Mum was still in hospital so did not go. They and we never ever went to the grave. I think it is still unresolved for my Mam in many ways, She sometimes talks about it and you can see her eyes well up. She wants to be buried in his grave, but she can't bring herself to contact the graveyard/council and find out exactly where his grave is. (I've offered to do it for her, but she wants to do it herself) We always knew it had happened, but she said she decided not to make a bit deal of it because she did not want to be morbid about it. I think this was at a time in Ireland where you brushed your feelings under the carpet and then just got on with things. Not the healtiest way to deal with things if you ask me. We as a whole, as in the whole family never talked about it together, I've only ever really talked to Mam about it, not to any of my siblings or Dad. I think it would have been much healthier if we could have all talked about it together, but we are just not that type of family.

I think you should definitely try and keep the lines of communication open with your daughter about her twin. She will feel her loss at different times throughout her life and I think it would be lovely if she could talk to you about that whenever those times come.

Big hugs, and sincerest sympathies for your loss. Wishing both your daughters a very Happy Birthday.x.

LadyFenghuang

I am so so sorry.


You obviously have so much love as a mother it's both beautiful and sad.

Your daughter must be amazing you seem like such a perceptive thoughtful mother. Together you can remember her hopefully in a happy way sometime.

You are not leaving anyone out. You are living that is not a betrayal.

xx

CaraMay

Op there's nothing morbid about your post. It's filled with love for both your girls and I'm so sorry for your loss. I second others saying counselling might help. Sometimes some events in our lives are just too big to handle by ourselves and this, to me, sounds like one of them. There is no shame in it. Mind yourself and well done on getting this far x

Chocolate fiend

So sorry for your loss op. As a mum I read your post with tears in my eyes. I have a 7 year old, I know how they are, they are funny, and interesting and growing up before your eyes, it can't be easy imagining how having two at each stage would be. Do you think that perhaps some counselling would help you?

Talk some time to celebrate both your girls today x