Over-reacting and losing ones temper

LegacyUser

All through school, I was bullied. Teachers took little / no attention (and did their own bit of humiliation). My parents had too much on their hands and I didn't know how to talk to them about it. At work, I've also experienced some bullying / inappropriate management behaviour. As an adult, I've experienced some traumas - some sharp, some not.

While all this can make me reluctant to be involved in certain situations, it generally doesn't inhibit me getting on with my life.

However, in certain circumstances, e.g. if I'm in a confined space and feel threatened, I will lash out, although I'm more likely to hit things than people. It's an over-reaction and inappropriate, but it isn't premeditated or deliberate. In the moment, I'm back to being a humiliated 9 year old fighting for survival, not an adult. Recently someone set off an air-horn next to my head and I turned around, grabbed it and broke it.

I'm wondering is there a difference between this over-reacting and "losing ones temper"? I'm not sure, but losing ones temper sounds more systematic and more a reaction to a non-threatening situation, e.g. screaming and shouting if the kids have Lego all over the floor.

Am I just trying to excuse my behaviour?

R.D. aka MR.D

If you're still holding on to this after all this time, then you need to go talk to a mental health professional. Maybe start with your GP and explain your obsession with what happened and how it's now impacting on your life. See what they recommend.

Neyite

It might be no harm to try to change your default reaction when the red mist strikes - it can be done, I've successfully done it, though it took effort and practice. Like you, I was bullied in childhood so I agree it's possible that it might stem from it, but when its affecting your life now, its time to work on putting it in the past where it belongs.

I used humour in stressful situations. I found that when the pressure is on and I get stressed, finding the humour or cracking a joke diffused the tension for me.

In my interpersonal relationships, I learned to recognise when I was getting annoyed, and walk away and have a think about how I felt rather than have a kneejerk reaction. Anger used to be the default emotion when in reality, there might have been other feelings - disappointment, sadness, jealousy, betrayed etc. Once I named the feeling, it helped a lot in processing it. I was then able to return to the situation and discuss calmly how I felt.

To be honest, I think that turning around and breaking the air horn was a pretty normal response to getting blasted out of it. With regard to the lego, yep, you were probably over-reacting if you were screaming and shouting. In that case, I'd suggest working out a set methodology that is incremental in warnings for the children depending on age. I use a count to 1-2-3 system after a clear warning, so in that case it would be like - ask them to pick up lego, then when they don't, warn that if they don't pick it up it will go in the bin, then when they still don't, its "I'm going to count to three and if that lego isn't picked up its going in the bin, and on three, get out the bin bag. Usually that's enough to get them moving, but its pre-school age here, and probably for an older child different warnings might work?

captainfrost

You definately need help. It better to start by reading anger managment books and the likes. It really helpful in it own way.
Or just visit a psycologist about your issue.