Expecting too much?

Gongoozler

I have to put this to you here because I need to know if the general consensus is that I'm being irrational.

Some time ago, myself and my boyfriend were out having a few drinks. I don't really remember how much we had. We were on the way home, and thought it'd be a good idea to hire a Dublin bike for a short trip up to the next station.

Of course we fell off, tumbled over, and my boyfriend and the bike landed on top of me. I walloped my head off the ground and the bike landed on my legs. We got up, and I sat down on the footpath. A taxi driver was passing and said you wanna get her to a hospital. Then I think he told us something about a friend who had hurt himself or something. Not sure.

So we went walking home, I wasn't about to go to the hospital for a bang on the head, especially on a Saturday night, unless it seemed necessary.

I thought it best to stay awake for a while, after all you're not meant to go to sleep after a bang on the head.

We sat on the bed with the intention of staying awake for a while. My boyfriend fell asleep. I was fine, nothing happened.

Fast forward to a while after the incident and to now. I seem to be concerned about this. I brought it up before and my boyfriend exploded over it. I have very poor self esteem and so throughout the relationship we've dealt with a lot of things, and me trying to work out what things I should or shouldn't be concerned about.

His reaction was to me saying his lack of concern over my knock to the head concerned me. It came up again the other day and I was explaining that I would be concerned about anything that might happen in future. He said he assessed the situation at the time and was sure there was nothing to worry about. I can't see what he assessed exactly but ok. I explained that really the only thing that I would have hoped that he would do differently is to try make sure not to fall asleep.

He said I wasn't bleeding it wasn't that big a bang and I was grand. I was bleeding, I had quite a bang and had a big lump for months after. He said he assessed it at the time, but I can't really see what his assessment was based on.

Thing is all I'm wanting is a little more caution when it comes to something like that with me. I'm not looking to depend on him for my safety but I do expect whoever I'm in the company of to take care of me if something happens. From my point of view, he wouldn't have known if I had a concussion, because he fell asleep. I'm not saying it's his responsibility, but well if it was me I would have done my best to stay awake.

All I'm asking is for a small bit of caution when it comes to my health and safety. Yes I was fine, but is that the point? he said he's seen loads of people hit their heads, and they've all been fine. I feel like I can't explain my point. It seems like I'm saying banging your head is always catastrophic. I'm not.

This is something that he doesn't understand and is considering breaking up over. He said we either agree to disagree or we break up. And I just need to get opinions on how rational people think either of us are being.

Penny Tration

Honestly, yes, I think you're very much over reacting.

I do understand where you're coming from in that you got a bad knock to the head and obviously that's dangerous.

But you chose not to to to hospital.

He was drunk, and you chose not to go to hospital, so naturally his drunk mind assumed you were fine.

When we're that drunk, we don't make great decisions. Obviously the shock of it sobered you up enough so that you knew not to go to sleep, but he fell into a drunken sleep. That's totally normal.

You say you expect whoever you're with to look after you if something happens. In sober day to day life, sure, that's reasonable. But if a friend of mine hurt themselves, decided not to go to hospital and just go home, I'd probably drunkenly assume they're grand and certainly wouldn't be able to stay awake all night to watch them!

Him saying that ye either agree to disagree or break up seemed very harsh when I read it.

Then I re-read the thread and this incident happened months ago?

Tbh if you're still giving him grief over not minding you, months later, I'd suggest the same in his position.

I'm sorry. I'm sure it's really not what you want to he's, but it sounds like just a very drunk night out gone wrong.

Mr. Incognito

I really dont get this.

You are a big girl. If you thought it was serious then you should take responsibility for looking after it yourself.

If you told him it was fine and he relied on that why the hell are you still using it as a stick to beat him with or needling him over it months later.

I would dump you too. Life is hard enough. Move one.

Gongoozler

Just wanted to clarify a couple of things here.
I haven't been berating him about this since. It's come up twice or three times since, because it's unresolved

And I didn't say anything about telling him I was fine.

I have posted here to get opinions but I expect people not to be nasty about it. I am open to hearing opinions on it, that's exactly why I've posted here. But I don't deserve to be made out to be a bad person, Mr Incognito.

b_mac2

Another OP looking for the answer that they want to hear...

Penny Tration

Gongoozler wrote: »

Just wanted to clarify a couple of things here.
I haven't been berating him about this since. It's come up twice or three times since, because it's unresolved

And I didn't say anything about telling him I was fine.

I have posted here to get opinions but I expect people not to be nasty about it. I am open to hearing opinions on it, that's exactly why I've posted here. But I don't deserve to be made out to be a bad person, Mr Incognito.

The thing is, and again I don't mean to be harsh or nasty at all -

You chose not to go to hospital. To any drunk person this would mean 'ah she's grand.'

Staying awake while super drunk is hard. He obviously assumed because he was drunk, that you were grand, and went to sleep.

Honestly he's done nothing wrong in the eyes of most people.

So, I dunno. If someone brought up something they didn't like, when I did nothing wrong, three times in a few months, I'd probably tell them where to go.

Like I said, I know it's not what you want to hear, and I do genuinely understand where you're coming from, but your boyfriend is right - it's time to put it down to a very bad night out, or break up.

If you keep bringing it up, it's going to cause issues in your relationship because he didn't do anything wrong and he believes this so will not accept responsibility for it (neither would I, if I were in his position).

Is it something you can let go? You need to think about that moreso than who was right and who was wrong, I think.

ManOfMystery

I have to concur with the posters above.

It was your decision not to go to hospital. Evidently you felt the bump wasn't serious enough to warrant a doctor looking at it, yet you now feel it was serious enough that your boyfriend should have stayed awake all night to keep an eye on you.

You can't have it both ways. Your boyfriend rightly assumed that as you were behaving fine and had no desire to go to the hospital, it was just a bump and nothing more - we've all done it.

To be honest, if you were now analysing the whole thing and trying to insinuate there was a perceived lack of concern on his part, I'd probably be a bit miffed too. If you felt concern was warranted, you should have seen a Doctor. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' in this situation, to me it just screams of bad communication, maybe a mistake on your part not to get it looked at by a professional, and some drunkenness added in. Does it really need analysed and conversed over now?

If I had a penny for every time I've bumped my head or done something silly when drunk and my friends/partners didn't appear that worried about it, I'd be a rich man.

MrWalsh

You were grand, you ARE grand now right? If you were worried about it at the time you had the choice to go to hospital there and then, which you didnt want to do, you also could have reevaluated it the next morning and gone sober, which clearly you didnt do, and in the months since when you had a bump on your head you could have gone to have it seen to - which you didnt do.

Other people are not responsible for your health. You are.

Its not really fair of you to say that you are concerned over his lack of concern when you yourself were unconcerned about the injury itself at the time.

Im not really sure what you expect to get out of it to be bringing it up with him again and again. Is it that you want him to apologise and say that he should have been more concerned and stayed awake? It really sounds like you are being controlling and trying to force him to say something that he doesnt want to say just to keep you happy. An apology that is forced doesnt mean anything.

I do think it is harsh of him to say that its either agree to disagree or break up but I can see his point. What I cant really understand if that if you feel so strongly about it that you keep bringing it up and he is not actually giving the response you want - why do you keep pushing it? What do you hope to achieve except to push him away by doing this?

Gongoozler

I appreciate the answers all.

I don't remember how much we had to drink. I did actually go to the doctor about it afterwards. Like I said, I had a bump for months after.

I absolutely do expect, and do, take responsibility for myself, some of you are reading that I don't want to when it's not there. It's not about that. I just know that I would be concerned if it was the other way around. People see things differently, I get that, just wanted to see the concensus on whether this lack of concern was excusable.

You mentioned your boyfriend falling asleep. He was drunk, so it was natural that he would have. You decided not to go to hospital, so of course he assumed that you were OK. You're overreacting, but judging by your replies, I don't think you'll take any of this on and keep thinking he was in the wrong.

MrWalsh

Gongoozler wrote: »

I just know that I would be concerned if it was the other way around.

You see I read this and I see that I am often concerned about things that my partner is unconcerned about - of course, as you say, people see things differently.

But to take it a step further, this is YOUR issue. You have to either accept that people are different and that you are ok with this difference or not. Because, you cant change anyone else, you can only change yourself. So bringing it up again and again is futile, after you brought it up once you had your answer - he see it differently. Now your have as choice, accept that or not. But bringing it up and bringing it up is not going to change him, in fact, some people will even pretend that they have changed their view on something just to shut someone up who is going on about something, but fundamentally, you know his view on it, you know he is unwilling to change that viewpoint - so you have to decide if you are happy with that.

Personally I think it is a very minor thing and Im not sure it even would have occurred to me to notice a lack of concern on his part - but perhaps this is just a micro view into bigger issues in the relationship - only you know that.

R.D. aka MR.D

It might not be what you want to hear but you are massively overreacting to this.

You're an adult, I assume. So honestly the only person who is responsible for your safety is you. It would be a different story if you had been knocked out and lying on the ground and he wandered off home without you.

You fell over and banged your head. Probably happens to countless people on a Saturday night.

I would agree with your boyfriend, if this is still an issue for you then maybe a break up is best. You are obviously expecting something he can't provide. What is it you're looking for? Someone to always be on alert just incase you potentially have a serious injury. Are you normally so reactionary about your health? It might be worth talking to a professional because as you can see from the responses here, your reaction seems out of step with what most other people would consider 'normal'.

Mr. Incognito

Gongoozler wrote: »

Just wanted to clarify a couple of things here.
I haven't been berating him about this since. It's come up twice or three times since, because it's unresolved
.

What would resolve it exactly?

An apology from him for ......................

Or Other.......................

Galadriel

You where drunk, he was drunk, he can't be held responsible for your health, it might be different if he was sober but that wasn't the case.

Gongoozler

[quote="[Deleted User];9582749] 1but judging by your replies, I don't think you'll take any of this on and keep thinking he was in the wrong.[/quote]

You don't know anything about me. I wouldn't have started a thread about this if I had no intention of taking into account what people are saying. I don't think you have any idea how hard it is to open a thread here. It's very difficult, especially for me. I am taking everything on board.

K_P

Sorry OP but I'm with everyone else on this. The worst thing he did is he fell asleep while drunk and presumably quite late at night after you were both home safe and sound. At the time you said you were ok, didn't want to go to hospital and as it turned out you were indeed absolutely fine.

At the very worst it was maybe very mildly inconsiderate on the part of your bf, but understandable in the circumstances too.

Are there perhaps other issues in the relationship that you're unhappy about? Or times when you've thought he's had no concern for your feelings? Because this does seem like an incredibly minor point to be hung up on.

Taltos

Mod Note:
b_mac2, please have a read of our charter. If you can't or won't offer constructive advice in a civil manner then just don't post.

setanta1984

Gongoozler wrote: »

I have very poor self esteem and so throughout the relationship we've dealt with a lot of things, and me trying to work out what things I should or shouldn't be concerned about.

I think this is the most relevant part of the post which most people seem to have missed, which makes the OP's view more understandable. I think you need to take stock and realise that this is another instance of your own issues that you need to work on, not his.

I think it's clear from the responses that you are very much overreacting regarding his behaviour on the night of the incident, and I would agree fully with all the other posters. He did nothing wrong - especially considering that you were both drunk enough to be falling off bikes and hurting yourselves.

One thing I will say though, you said that you were bleeding and your head was swollen for a long time after the incident - how was his reaction the morning after when he had sobered up and had his full wits about him? Was he empathetic then? Did you still think you were fine and were unconcerned yourself?
You may have a point if you were in distress in the following days and he just didn't care, but you haven't mentioned any displeasure with his behaviour outside of the night in question.

retro:electro

So you're mad at him for falling asleep, right? Because you can't be mad at him for not bringing you to the hospital because, well it was you who said you didn't need to go there.

Op when I'm drunk someone could tell me to try and stay awake for two hours and we will give you a million euro, I'd still find it hard to stay awake. It's the body's natural reaction. Your adrenaline from your fall kept you awake. It does not mean he doesn't care about you, and I think it's so unfair that you are still bringing this up.
Just let it go.

orthsquel

I think it is reasonable to hope that should something happen to you, sober or drunk, you have someone to rely on that can look after you, get you to the hospital, etc if needs be.

Gongoozler wrote: »

Thing is all I'm wanting is a little more caution when it comes to something like that with me. I'm not looking to depend on him for my safety but I do expect whoever I'm in the company of to take care of me if something happens.

The problem is that with other people you can't guarantee that you can rely on them. That is where accepting responsibility for yourself comes in, by taking control of your own sobriety otherwise you are leaving yourself open to depending on others to take care of you should something happen. and that level of care is dependent on the person, how well they cope with things that happen, and their judgement. In fairness your boyfriend's judgement would have been fairly impaired (as yours was too, since you both agreed to cycling when drunk) maybe impaired to a point that he was less cautious in his assessment akin to viewing your fall as a skimmed knee situation.

Is that lack of concern excusable? Yes and No. Yes because of his drunken state, he saw it through drunken reality and dealt with it in a drunken state. No because he was drunk and could have overlooked something more serious.

If the same thing happened while you were both sober perhaps you wouldn't have any concern or issue about his level of concern for your well being. Or maybe he would act in the same way.

I think it boils down to if you really feel that you cannot rely on him to look after you should something happen to you while drunk, then consider if you can rely on him or not should something happen to you while sober.
If you feel you really cannot rely on him when he is drunk or when you are out for the night then the onus is on you to accept responsibility for yourself 100% by taking control of your drinking and having a limit to how much you will drink, so that you can look after you. I personally think leaving your own personal safety and health up to someone else who will be too drunk to show care is reckless; you know from this instance that he cannot be relied upon and should adjust your drinking to look after yourself, or hope that an ambulance crew spot you or more sober passers by act on your behalf in your interest in the future.

Having said that I have known people who would show scant regard for my well being when something has happened, when everyone has been sober. Your boyfriend at least showed an ounce of concern and did try and at least evaluate the situation and got you somewhere safe. At least he stayed with you, even if he could not stay awake. He could have otherwise left you on your own.

Have you considered any care or consideration shown to you by him while you are both sober? I think to be very honest, it's time you either let it go and chalk it down to experience and be more responsible for yourself while out drinking without expectation of someone else looking after you should something go wrong and take it as a lesson learned.... or break up if you really feel you can't trust your boyfriend's judgement at the time of it, or since while drunk or sober. I think dragging it up again and again is what will ultimately kill the relationship.

to be very honest with you OP I wouldn't leave myself in a position where I would be at the mercy of someone else's impaired judgement from drinking. But that's just me and that has come from harsh lessons and experience. I can understand that with low self esteem and perhaps other issues at play in the background it has been weighing on your mind. I don't know if you should be concerned over his lack of concern at the time, this may be one instance, and how your boyfriend treats you otherwise and how he makes you feel is something you should consider.. I don't know you or your boyfriend but I think setanta raises good points about how he was towards you afterwards and whether or not he showed concern in sobering up, whether he was empathetic or not, are very valid points.

Gongoozler

Thanks for all the responses. I do appreciate you taking the time.

Just on this: "Is that lack of concern excusable? Yes and No. Yes because of his drunken state, he saw it through drunken reality and dealt with it in a drunken state. No because he was drunk and could have overlooked something more serious."

I don't think it would be any different sober. I don't really remember the next day, tbh, so can't comment on how that went.

But anyway I have a good bit to mull over. I do have a tendency to worry, and am and have done a lot of work on this. It was only ever about wanting to feel if there is something wrong, that I can depend on him.

Mods, please close the thread now.