A little relationship advice please!

plasticpaddy

Hi All,

Would appreciate some other viewpoints on something that's concerning me.
Brief background: I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman, for nearly a year now. We have known each other much longer (we first met through work 8 years ago), she moved back to her home country 6 years ago but we kept loosely in touch. Last year we got together and a relationship started.
To cut a long story short, I left Ireland to be with her, am now living in her home country, learning the language, changed my whole life really (and more than happy to do so).
We have a great relationship in all areas, I love her completely and I know she feels the same.
But here's the thing that's irking me a bit. She has a lot of friends (which is great), most of them male (again, no problem for me, I'll point out I trust her completely). She chats a lot with them via email, FB etc.
Prior to me she was single for a long time but did have a few casual relationships (not my thing but again, that's the past and her business not mine).
The guys she had something with are still in her social network, as are some guys I know would want something a little more from her.. ok, that's difficult but I know she's true to me.
But, and this is the thing, her social network knows nothing about me or our relationship. She says she likes to "keep her private life private". I'd love to show my social network the wonderful woman I'm with, share how happy I am, but she's not happy with me doing that (we have a lot of mutual friends from years ago also).
I know a lot of the conversations she has with existing male friends are, for me anyway, a little bit over the line (somewhat flirty).
So I'm a bit worried that:

- She wants to keep me hidden;
- Although she wouldn't do anything, she wants to continue 'flirting' and retain the attentions of a lot of these guys;
- Perhaps wants to keep options open "in case" our relationship fails (that would hurt if so tbh)

We're planning a future together, looking at buying a house, talking about starting a family even, the whole deal. And I'll reiterate that I'm sure she would not cheat. So why does she want to keep our relationship away from her social network?
Should I be worried about this or just live with it?

Any advice or details of similar experiences gladly received. Thanks.

Mr. Incognito

It's a hard one.

I know I had to pare my own social networking back when I got into my current relationship as a lot of these are glorified flirting platforms.

Online life is not real life however- it's a sanitised, fake, edited version.

She might just enjoy the attention from a lot of people and feed on it but if so, that itself can be unhealthy or damaging.

I think, it has to boil down to trust. Either your trust her or you dont. If you do, just ignore it. They can fantise about your missus but you are the one that she is sleeping beside every night.

It would be a red flag for me too but I am not sure I would make a big deal out of it.

power pants

It really boils down to 2 things

how much you feel you trust her and how comfortable you feel that she still friends with her causual sleeping partners.

No right or wrong answer, if you cant accept this it will only lead to problems.

As for the online public romance. Personally, I would never like these things public , cant really explain why but I dont feel that I need to post or show that im in a relationship. again its purely up to the individual.

MissFlitworth

plasticpaddy wrote: »

So why does she want to keep our relationship away from her social network?
Should I be worried about this or just live with it?

Do you mean things like putting relationship status on Facebook as being in a relationship with you? I don't personally do that because it makes me cringe (other people can do what they like though, no judgement) and because I think that over a certain age it looks a little childish and it's basically making an announcement to a huge group of people, some of whom you don't actually want to know very much about you, that you Are In A Relationship and possibly get lots of 'good for you, hun' cringey messages about it. Nope nope nope.

Some personal info is for facebook, some is private. No reflection on how I feel about my boyfriend. Then if you break up you have to announce that to the whole world too. It's just more of my life than I want to live through Facebook

If you mean not mentioning you to her social circle and actually hiding you then that would be an issue for me

skallywag

plasticpaddy wrote: »

Any advice or details of similar experiences gladly received. Thanks.

It sounds to me that she has some major growing up to do, i.e. on one hand she talks about having a house, family, etc but on the other she seems to still want to play the coquette. She needs to decide which one is for her because if she continues to do both your head will be wrecked.

You've made a serious investment here with this relationship and she needs to respect that. If not I would seriously think about moving on.

plasticpaddy

Thanks all.
To respond to a couple of things there - MissFlitWorth I totally agree with you, FB "relationship status" is simply awful, I cringe too when others do it. So it's not about that. When it comes to FB I'd like to share just a couple of pictures of us maybe, just share with my friends where I am and what I'm doing now. I'd point out we're the same here in that our FB friends are actual physical friends, ie people we know and meet (even if we haven't seen some in ages), we're not the "have 1000 fb friends 900 of which we have never met" type.
These are friends she has known for many years, sees every now and again (without me - my job is still based in Ireland and I go back there 1 - 2 weeks in every 5-6), and I don't think any of them know about me.
I will say that her best friend has known from the start and I get on with her very well, as I also do with her family.
Example, was her bd yesterday, I just caught over her shoulder this morning a message from some lad along the lines of "hello beautiful, loads of kisses for your birthday, hoping to see you soon".. now ok, could be platonic, but I have some very close female friends and I'd NEVER talk to them like that. Can't be helped if guys are writing that but annoys me if she's playing along with it.
@Skallywag - "coquette" - very ironic... she's French

pookie82

plasticpaddy wrote: »

I know a lot of the conversations she has with existing male friends are, for me anyway, a little bit over the line (somewhat flirty).

- Although she wouldn't do anything, she wants to continue 'flirting' and retain the attentions of a lot of these guys;

How do you know she still has flirty conversations with guys? Are they on her wall for all to see (i.e. her friends group?) Or are they via PM? Does she show them to you, or do you check yourself?

A lot of people get badly publicly burned if they flaunt a relationship for all to see on FB and a few months later it's all over, because the break up will pan out publicly just like the good parts do. I wouldn't be one for declaring I'm "in a relationship" on it either, I did for my last one because my ex set it up that he was in one with me and I just "accepted" it but as pointed out, that gets awkward if/when it ends! That said, I wouldn't shy away from putting up photos with my boyfriend here and there and if people cotton on that we're together, then so be it.

If there's some sort of outright BAN on ever tagging her in a photo with you or at a place you're at, and she's otherwise very active on it, that'd start alarm bells for me over time.

How much time does she spend on it? If it's just once or twice a week she pops on to check it, maybe that's fair enough. But if she's on it at least once a day and uses it a lot, then she's asking you to hide a big part of your lives on something she's otherwise very engaged with. Does she put up many photos of herself doing things? Does she tag herself places she goes, etc? Because if "keeping her private life private" ONLY extends to you, you've got an issue to raise.

I don't think I'd finish a relationship over something like this, but it might be worth a chat to see what's behind it.

Is she stopping you putting up any photos of you both, even if she's not tagged, in case even old mutual friends might see it? It'd all depend on how extreme she was being with her networking ban on you guys, I think, and how this "flirting" or whatever it is plays out.

On the surface it could seem as if she's pretending to the world she's single to still enjoy attention and that is unfair. But maybe she has other, valid reasons for keeping you guys under the radar.

plasticpaddy

plasticpaddy wrote: »

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman, for nearly a year now ... I left Ireland to be with her, am now living in her home country ... We're planning a future together, looking at buying a house, talking about starting a family even, the whole deal

plasticpaddy wrote: »

I'd love to show my social network the wonderful woman I'm with, share how happy I am, but she's not happy with me doing that (we have a lot of mutual friends from years ago also) ... I'd like to share just a couple of pictures of us maybe, just share with my friends where I am and what I'm doing now ... our FB friends are actual physical friends, ie people we know and meet ... These are friends she has known for many years, sees every now and again ... and I don't think any of them know about me.

Sorry, seems a bit off to me. When you trim off the fat of all the social media brouhaha, what you're saying is that your partner doesn't want a group of her/your friends to know she's in a committed relationship. And in order to do this she's controlling your social networking because some of your friends are mutual.

That wouldn't sit well with me at all and, I think, is something that needs to be discussed with her properly.

plasticpaddy

pookie82 wrote: »

How much time does she spend on it? If it's just once or twice a week she pops on to check it, maybe that's fair enough. But if she's on it at least once a day and uses it a lot, then she's asking you to hide a big part of your lives on something she's otherwise very engaged with. Does she put up many photos of herself doing things? Does she tag herself places she goes, etc? Because if "keeping her private life private" ONLY extends to you, you've got an issue to raise.

She's on it multiple times every day.
The flirty stuff - some "public" so I see it anyway, a couple of times I'm ashamed to say I've seen the familiar grin and taken a sneaky look over her shoulder.

I'll talk to her about it. We have an honest relationship in my view, I've never hidden anything and have always been straight up, and so has she - I don't think she's necessarily hiding anything, she's just subconsciously reluctant to change a big part of her daily life she's had for several years.

Thankyou everyone for your views and opinions.

Merkin

I'm a Facebook user but it's all very superficial. I didn't post any wedding photos up there, there are none of my husband and I and I don't have any of our baby son either. I share any photos like that with people of my choosing but my husband and baby are precious and I simply enjoy our privacy and wouldn't feel at all comfortable with sharing anything publicly. I don't feel it necessary. There is a culture of oversharing and if all else is good and you have a happy and trusting relationship then I'd be inclined to believe her.

pookie82

plasticpaddy wrote: »

She's on it multiple times every day.
The flirty stuff - some "public" so I see it anyway, a couple of times I'm ashamed to say I've seen the familiar grin and taken a sneaky look over her shoulder.

I'll talk to her about it. We have an honest relationship in my view, I've never hidden anything and have always been straight up, and so has she - I don't think she's necessarily hiding anything, she's just subconsciously reluctant to change a big part of her daily life she's had for several years.

Thankyou everyone for your views and opinions.

Can't say I'd be very comfortable to be honest seeing a "familiar grin" on my boyfriend's face and knowing it meant someone was flirting with him over his phone and he was enjoying it. She's clearly so taken with this flattering behaviour she openly shows it around you?!

The bold part there hits the nail on the head, I think.

And at this point, I'd be having a serious conversation with her about the fact that you'll be putting up whatever photos you like, whether she's in them or not, and if she doesn't want public acknowledgment then maybe she can forgo the private acknowledgement as well, i.e. the relationship.

This isn't just someone you've been dating for a few months, you've moved job and COUNTRY to be with her! She needs to hear this laid out to her in case it hasn't already occurred to her, and how unfair this half arsed behaviour is when it comes to being open about you two.

You can't control the way she lets other men speak to her or responds, but you CAN tell her it makes you uncomfortable at this point and let her own actions from there on in tell you what you need to know.

pookie82

plasticpaddy wrote: »

Example, was her bd yesterday, I just caught over her shoulder this morning a message from some lad along the lines of "hello beautiful, loads of kisses for your birthday, hoping to see you soon".. now ok, could be platonic, but I have some very close female friends and I'd NEVER talk to them like that.

Could it be a cultural thing? Are the French in general more "complimentary" and "forward" in their day to day messaging? I don't know ...

Matteroffact

I don't like the idea that she likes to keep you hidden. She should be showing you off. I also do not like the idea that she flirts with other males either whether she would take it further or not. It simply is not appropriate. If the tables were turned how would she feel if you were doing the same thing with females? I think you should have a discussion with her and tell her exactly how you feel a relationship should be conducted and if she cannot see how it upsets you then I would be thinking twice about this relationship. There is something wrong when she needs the validation of other males to make her feel complete. I don't blame you for being annoyed.

CaraMay

pookie82 wrote: »

Could it be a cultural thing? Are the French in general more "complimentary" and "forward" in their day to day messaging? I don't know ...

Agreed. It's like 'hola guapa' in Spain. If technically means hello beautiful but it's more casual than that when used day to day. Is she typing in French or English? Any chance it's lost in translation?

plasticpaddy

CaraMay wrote: »

Agreed. It's like 'hola guapa' in Spain. If technically means hello beautiful but it's more casual than that when used day to day. Is she typing in French or English? Any chance it's lost in translation?

In French. If it was something like "coucou ma belle", yes, perfectly platonic. I'd use that. "bisous à toi, ma beauté" (basically "kisses to you, my beautiful") a bit over the old line for me.
Decided not to worry about it for now. I know she's trustworthy and it's nothing more than (albeit inappropriate) banter, but it is a chat I'm going to have at some point when the time's right. As for the cultural thing - yea I bear that in mind a lot. The French are rather an "open" bunch, it's been hard getting used to that. But need to set out what I am uncomfortable with, if I'm right about her and this relationship she'll understand and compromise. We'll see.

CaraMay

But is she 'flirting' back? Tbh neither of those sentences would raise alarm bells for me.

power pants

does she keep in regular contact with the friends on social network that she has had sex with? Are these the people flirting with her and putting a smile on her face?

Augme

plasticpaddy wrote: »

Example, was her bd yesterday, I just caught over her shoulder this morning a message from some lad along the lines of "hello beautiful, loads of kisses for your birthday, hoping to see you soon".. now ok, could be platonic, but I have some very close female friends and I'd NEVER talk to them like that. Can't be helped if guys are writing that but annoys me if she's playing along with it.

Cultures are different and have different set of standards. It's quite common for males in certain European(and other) countries to greet each other by kissing each other on the cheek. That pretty much never happens in Ireland though. When dealing with foreign relations and people it's a pretty bad idea to judge their behaviour based on how you and your Irish friends would behave.

cactusgal

Augme wrote: »

Cultures are different and have different set of standards. It's quite common for males in certain European(and other) countries to greet each other by kissing each other on the cheek. That pretty much never happens in Ireland though. When dealing with foreign relations and people it's a pretty bad idea to judge their behaviour based on how you and your Irish friends would behave.

But the OP said she is hiding the fact that she's in a relationship? Why in the world would someone do that? I think that's the bigger issue that cultural differences in communication.

Mongfinder General

power pants wrote: »

does she keep in regular contact with the friends on social network that she has had sex with? Are these the people flirting with her and putting a smile on her face?

She probably just likes the attention. Unless she's riding rings around her I wouldn't worry.

professore

I have a Belgian sister in law who constantly tells me she loves me on my Facebook wall. It's a cultural thing, we're just very uptight here. However, hiding you sounds bad to me. I have found the French to be particularly weird culturally it has to be said.

osarusan

plasticpaddy wrote: »

In French. If it was something like "coucou ma belle", yes, perfectly platonic. I'd use that. "bisous à toi, ma beauté" (basically "kisses to you, my beautiful") a bit over the old line for me.
Decided not to worry about it for now. I know she's trustworthy and it's nothing more than (albeit inappropriate) banter, but it is a chat I'm going to have at some point when the time's right. As for the cultural thing - yea I bear that in mind a lot. The French are rather an "open" bunch, it's been hard getting used to that. But need to set out what I am uncomfortable with, if I'm right about her and this relationship she'll understand and compromise. We'll see.

Do you think that her behaviour (keeping you 'hidden', or flirty messages) are standard behaviour for where she is from, or excessive even by their standards (if it is possible to say there is a standard)?

CaraMay

Having lived in that environment I think the fact that she doesn't broadcast her bf is not that unusual. They don't seem to be as defined by their relationships as we do.

Dark Phoenix

Her not wanting to put that she is 'in a relationship' with you on Fb I would be grand with - its not something I'd think Id need on Fb.

Is she friends with you on FB?

However her not allowing photos of both of you on FB / on social media / online- red flag
Her not wanting friends to know you are together - massive red flag
Her sitting beside you in bed with a delighted little smirk on her face as she flirts with other men online while pretending to be single - goodbye.

You moved country to be with her. Instead of celebrating this and appreciating you, she wants to hide you away and let on ye are not in a relationship - doesnt make any sense to me

Do you go out often with any of her friends and your mutual friends? Do they all know you are in a relationship and living together?