My nana in Australia has passed away - what to do?

mel.b

I got a phone call today at work that my nana had suddenly died. I have lived in Ireland for a long time and this is obviously the first time I have had to deal with living on the other side of the world when a family member has passed away. I said to my mum that I would come home for the funeral (which I expect to be sometime next week). Both her and my dad immediately said that they don't expect me to. The flight isn't cheap (€1000) but I'd find the money, however there are other practical considerations as well. I'm just wondering what other people have done in a similiar situation? My sister also does not in the country anymore but she is a lot closer and has said that she may look at coming & staying with mum & dad for a couple of weeks. I don't know if this is such a good idea though as my mum & sister stress each other out within hours of being together! I wouldn't be able to go for that long though, it would literally be a flying visit in & out.

Also I feel quite removed from the situation. I came home from work but could have stayed and done paperwork for the afternoon. Have other people felt the same way when dealing with things from a distance?

Chocolate fiend

Firstly sorry for your loss.

I was in Australia when my Grandfather died in Ireland. I was 7 months pregnant and not in a position to be able to go home. It was hard, but, it was also the right thing for me not to go. I said goodbye in my own way. I am not religious, so being at his funeral mass would not have meant all that much to me. I got a photo taken of him when he was laid out and that helped me a huge amount.

I was in Canada when both my Grandmothers died within 6 weeks of each other, I had a 2 year old and a 1 year old and again I decided not to travel home with them. It is hard being away, but, you find ways of coping.

There is nothing wrong with not going to her funeral, she won't know either way iykwim? Maybe instead of spending that money on a flight you could donate some of it to a charity that she would like?

Good luck with your decision.

LadyFenghuang

I am very sorry for your loss OP.


My brother was away when my Dad was very ill last year. Thankfully we got through that. But I see it with relatives or friends abroad it's very very tearing to them. You can't quite concentrate on where you are and feel a pull.

You have to do what you feel is right for you.

There is no right or wrong. What will you feel best about?

NicoleW85

That's a great expense to deal with for just a 'flying' visit. Your parents have already said they don't expect you to travel, so at least it's not a case of 'if I don't go I'll be shunned'. My suggestion would be to contact your Nana's other children individually and offer your condolences to them, explaining you won't make it to the funeral but your thoughts and prayers are with them. I'm sure they will appreciate the gesture and you will save yourself the stress of finding €1000+
Sorry for your loss ï¸Âxx

happyoutscan

As Nana ^ mentioned I wouldn't advise going through all that expense for a 'flying visit'. Your nana's passing is likely traumatic enough without the difficulties you'd experience with the traveling too! What I'd suggest is that you plan - maybe in a couple months - a visit over when you can stay for a couple weeks. You'd be a great help to your parents plus you'd be able to reflect at the grave of your beloved nana. Just an idea, sorry for your loss.

autumnrain

First, sorry for your loss.
I think ritual helps no matter what your belief system. So if you can't be there, make a moment here to say goodbye.
(You might write a letter to her, or light a candle or go do something like a walk or a meal specifically to celebrate her. )
Go home when you can take time, grief has no timetable. Don't waste energy feeling bad now, just stay in contact with your parents and you'll be part of it all even at a distance. There's no right answer to how we grieve, so whatever you choose is ok