So tired

LegacyUser

Our daughter is 10 months old. She is a great child, very happy & easy going so I really can't complain at all but since the day she was born I've been going non stop and I feel so worn out and fed up. I feel so guilty for saying this because she is so good, it has nothing to do with her though, she is a little angel. It is more about me having no break or no help. My partner has never made a bottle. He has never brought her for a walk. He was so resentful of my maternity leave, and for the sick leave I was on while pregnant. My pregnancy was awful, we are very lucky to have our girl considering I was in and out of hospital so much.
Even during my pregnancy my boyfriend would disappear out for whole weekends, not show up for work, he even left me in the hospital once because his friends called over with a box of beer. I had to lie to the midwives & say he was outside but couldn't find parking.
He went and volunteered himself to take on a huge business deal in London..the week before my due date. I ended up only seeing him at weekend's, with our newborn, for the first four months. It was very hard.
I haven't been out anywhere in a year and a half, despite me trying to arrange a babysitter so we can have a few hours together. The last time I arranged a date he went out the night before & got back too late for our reservation.
I am trying to the extra weight I gained while sick & while pregnant. I always bring my baby to my weight watcher class but last week my boyfriend had the day off so I asked if he could hold onto her at home for an hour & it caused such a big fight. He wouldn't & I missed my class aswell. I am a disaster. I just want to sleep all the time, I look forward to nothing and I feel constantly guilty for wanting a break because I know I'm so lucky with my baby but I'm just so tired all the time.

Merkin

You poor thing. My little boy is ten months old so they must have been born around the same time, congratulations, she sounds like a little dote I think the fact that you obviously have such a happy and contented little girl is a great credit to you so you're obviously not showing your upset to your little one.

It sounds like your partner is in no way supportive at all and you are essentially living the life of a single mother. Why did he refuse to look after his daughter? What kind of relationship do they have? And aside from being totally unsupportive, how is your relationship with him? Do you still love one another? Are you intimate?

Minding a little one is so joyous and fulfilling but it can also be bloody hard at times and you need that bit of 'me' time to recharge the batteries and not lose sight of yourself and of both of you as a couple too. It almost sounds like he's checked out of the relationship some time ago. Does he realise how much he is hurting you and how worn out you are? Are you able to actually talk to him candidly about this?

MrWalsh

Its worse than the life of a single mother because no doubt this waster is causing more worry, stress and upset than you would have if you were on your own!

Can I ask why you stay with him at all? He sounds awful and I dont see why you should have to put up with minding a petulant adult child at all?

Rubberchikken

i agree it's as tough as being a single parent but the problem with a partner who won't pull their weight is that it eventually gets to a person and brings them down.

could you speak to him? explain what's happening and how you need him to step up and start doing his fair share. if you feel you can't or that you won't be listened to, have you somebody who could?

if you go on as you are, the resentment will eat away.
congratulations on rearing a little dote:) i just hope her dad realises how hard it is to do all the work though. good luck

LegacyUser

I am going to be honest here your partner is a lazy so and so. The reality is that you are both responsible for bring your daughter into the world. He should be willing to feed her a bottle, mind her on regular basis and give you a brake.

At this stage I would do the following in regards to him

I would tell him at this stage you are not going to put up with his selfishness any longer. That you have being minding the baby always and he is doing nothing to help you out.
I would also let him know that he can't be going on long business trips or disappearing when it suit him.
The reality is that you need a brake and to have something to look forward to. Your entitled to have a brake from the baby. You need to be able to have some type of life even with a small baby.
At this stage your partner needs to realise that his lack of helping you will affect his life.
Stop cooking his dinner and stop washing his clothes. When he starts to miss his dinner and clean clothes tell him will since I am always minding the baby I don't have time to mind you.

At this stage I would arrange to meet some friends for a night out. Tell him I am meeting x. Since I have been minding the child for the past 10 months on my own I need a brake. I need you back here at y time. If he says anything nasty I would just say to him at fine I will ring your mother/sisters/friends wife's or partners instead to do this. I will then tell them exactly how you have been treating us both over the past 10 months.

The next time you mother or his family come to see you just tell them I would love a brake but you know that partner name won't mind the child, feed them a bottle or help me out all.
In fact at this stage I would tell him in front of his mother that unless he starts minding the child and giving you a brake he can move back in with her. Tell his mother and sisters what he has been like over the past few months. If my mother know one of my bothers was like this after there partners had children she would tell them to grow up.

He may be telling his family/friends all he is doing with the baby. Tell him you will put up on facebook where all his friends can see - this is my daughter her father (his name) has not once minded her to give your a brake and has never give her a bottle.

The reality is that unless you stand up for yourself now nothing is going to change. He will not be happy with what you are doing but at this stage he need to grow up. He should be delighted to mind his child and give you a brake like any normal father would be.

liquoriceall

lady lady wrote: »

I am going to be honest here your partner is a lazy so and so. The reality is that you are both responsible for bring your daughter into the world. He should be willing to feed her a bottle, mind her on regular basis and give you a brake.

At this stage I would do the following in regards to him

I would tell him at this stage you are not going to put up with his selfishness any longer. That you have being minding the baby always and he is doing nothing to help you out.
I would also let him know that he can't be going on long business trips or disappearing when it suit him.
The reality is that you need a brake and to have something to look forward to. Your entitled to have a brake from the baby. You need to be able to have some type of life even with a small baby.
At this stage your partner needs to realise that his lack of helping you will affect his life.
Stop cooking his dinner and stop washing his clothes. When he starts to miss his dinner and clean clothes tell him will since I am always minding the baby I don't have time to mind you.

At this stage I would arrange to meet some friends for a night out. Tell him I am meeting x. Since I have been minding the child for the past 10 months on my own I need a brake. I need you back here at y time. If he says anything nasty I would just say to him at fine I will ring your mother/sisters/friends wife's or partners instead to do this. I will then tell them exactly how you have been treating us both over the past 10 months.

The next time you mother or his family come to see you just tell them I would love a brake but you know that partner name won't mind the child, feed them a bottle or help me out all.
In fact at this stage I would tell him in front of his mother that unless he starts minding the child and giving you a brake he can move back in with her. Tell his mother and sisters what he has been like over the past few months. If my mother know one of my bothers was like this after there partners had children she would tell them to grow up.

He may be telling his family/friends all he is doing with the baby. Tell him you will put up on facebook where all his friends can see - this is my daughter her father (his name) has not once minded her to give your a brake and has never give her a bottle.

The reality is that unless you stand up for yourself now nothing is going to change. He will not be happy with what you are doing but at this stage he need to grow up. He should be delighted to mind his child and give you a brake like any normal father would be.

While I understand your point the worry is if he is so resentful of the baby and it sounds like he is then no way would I let him mind the child as it would worry me the standard of care he would provide! It feels from your OP that he has checked out of your relationship but hasnt the balls to come straight out and say but instead is treating you like ****

ManOfMystery

We have a 20 month old son, and whilst we split the feeding/changing/minding/playing 50/50 down the middle (or together, when we can) and have done from day one .......................... we're both still pretty tired. My wife probably more so, because she's a lighter sleeper than me and wakens at the slightest noise from junior, despite my best intentions to do my share during the night also.

I'm not giving myself a pat on the back here, but just trying to empathise - I can only imagine how difficult it must be when you're doing everything on your own. What adds to that difficulty is the knowledge that you have someone there who could help, but won't.

I think at this stage, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your partner, if you haven't done so already. Be civilised and try not to let it turn into a slanging match, as he will likely go on the defensive and you'll not get anywhere.

He's a father now. And part of being a father (and a co-parent) is facing up to your responsibilities and actually sharing the workload of rearing a child, not just getting high fives from your mates for producing offspring. That means doing his share of feeds, getting up in the night, minding his daughter, and also realising that his flexibility for work and socialising has to be curtailed somewhat. He needs to be asked where exactly his priorities lie, because if they're not with you and his daughter, then you need to re-evaluate what future you think you may have together.

Re: your own exhaustion - do you have family/friends nearby who can help out?

orthsquel

Was he like this before you were pregnant? Why was he resentful of your maternity leave? Is he a very self involved person and what are his views on child rearing i.e. does he see this as the sole responsibility of the mother with little involvement of the father except as breadwinner?
It sounds to me like perhaps he either wasn't keen on the idea of a baby, has issues with a baby in the picture (jealously, drain on resources) or feels that child rearing is the mother's job - was the baby planned and did ye discuss (or had discussed in the past) the roles of the parents or the level of involvement of both of you?
You do need to talk to your partner, if you can. and you need to set yourself up a support network around you, with your friends and family, investigate all options even within your weight watchers class, find yourself a playgroup / parent and baby/toddler group where you can get support from other parents in coping alone with the baby and the exhaustion. If you have friends and family, explain the situation to them I'm sure they would help out where possible to give you a break.