Boyfriend's friends not extending the invite

Dark Artist · 09-06-2015 12:27am #1

I'm a gay guy in my twenties. My boyfriend's friends are arranging a weekend group trip away this summer. They've invited him, but said they'd rather I not go.

I've never had any altercations with them so to speak, but it's true that I don't have much in common with them. They are a guy and a girl. I get along great with all his other friends who actively make plans to see us both together.

I think it's rather audacious for them to exclude me from something like this. If I were arranging a trip somewhere, it would go without saying that my friends' other-halves would be welcome, no matter who they were. It's not even a matter of logistics, such as taking up room, as nothing has been decided or booked yet.

My question is how do I go about not resenting my boyfriend if he chooses to go regardless (which it looks like he mostly likely will)? I see he's caught between a rock and a hard place, and even though I'd like him to take a stand and not go, I could never actually deny him a fun weekend away and live with myself. I'd like to take the high road and be happy for him, but the truth is this is a very insulting move by them and I think that there has to be some consequence, or an appropriate reaction to this. I just don't know what to do, or how to prepare myself for the day he leaves, and I'm left to my own devices for a whole weekend while they're off having a ball.

Am I taking it too personally? He tried to excuse them by saying they just want to be around close friends. I get that, but actually refusing him when he asks if I can go is quite a statement. Forget being civil and inclusive. This feels like they'd rather not make an effort with me and they don't care if I get offended and totally left out. Even worse, it makes me realize that if this is their stance now, it won't be the last time it happens.

I did ask him if he's telling the truth and he assured me that he didn't decide of his own accord to go alone, that they were the ones who put it that way. I believe him because these people have neglected to extend the invite to me on multiple occasions/nights out where my boyfriend had to intervene and fight for me to be involved. They like to act exclusive so I shouldn't be surprised that they took it this far.

Any thoughts/perspectives appreciated. I'd also welcome any comments from people who have endured the nuisance of their partner having friends who they can't relate to or click with, and how to cope with that. Thanks.

Wheety · 09-06-2015 12:46am

That's horrible. Is it only this couple that do that?

It doesn't matter if they just want the old gang going or whatever, once someone in the group has a partner, you invite them along too.

They must see that been so open about it will cause a rift between you and them. I think your boyfriend should do more to stand up for you.

CaraMay · 09-06-2015 1:13am

I don't think it's fair but I think your comment about being left to your own devices for a weekend is a bit dramatic. How did you manage before you met him?

There's something bigger going on here. The above statement sounds a but possessive. Are you like that with your bf? Would this be why they want to get him alone? Tbh it's not classy on their part but there isn't much he can do

Rock77 · 09-06-2015 2:26am

Are the guy and girl a in a relationship? If I was invited on a weekend away and my wife wasn't, I wouldn't go. if it was a lads only trip I'd consider, but that's not the case here. These ppl are clearly not worth worrying about and your boyfriend should tell them he's going away with you instead!

Matteroffact · 09-06-2015 6:40am

That's absolutely disgraceful on the part of your partner's so called friends. It is very insulting and I just think that your b/f should be standing up for you and not allowing this slight. The cheek of them.

pookie82 · 09-06-2015 7:46am

I'm not clear on who's going. You say "they are a guy and a girl". Are the guy and the girl a couple? Is the trip for a large number of people, or just them and your boyfriend?

The only way in which this might be acceptable is if they're a guy and a girl who are old mates with your bf and want a holiday with just the 3 of them. If they're inviting a large group and other couples are going, then they're being extremely rude and your bf shouldn't go.

If my friends were organising a group trip with guys/girls/couples and they told me "we'd rather your boyfriend didn't go" I'd want some serious explanation, and I couldn't see myself going regardless after that.

But if it's a group of very close knit old mates who just want time away without their other halves, then that would be acceptable in my book.

You mention, though, that he has had to "fight" for your inclusion on regular nights out. This is an issue. Why would he want friends who he has to convince to "let" you come to things? If you're together a while and are a serious couple then you should be received as such and come as a package without question. Are you sure there's no personality clash going on here? They don't sound like a very nice bunch and I'd see trouble down the line if your bf remains loyal to a group of friends who actively exclude you and will continue to do so.

If it looks like he's going to go ahead and join them without you, I'd probably let him go, but have a serious chat on his return about how long he's going to let this active exclusion continue for. Tell him you didn't want to ruin his holiday and make a fuss beforehand, but that it really hurt you, and you need to know if this will be the status quo into the future when it comes to them ... in which case he's going to have to decide who's more important to him, or what kind of people he calls friends.

OneOfThem · 09-06-2015 7:57am

It's not a "bring your boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. Not everything has to be or should be.

09-06-2015 8:42am

OneOfThem wrote: »

It's not a "bring your boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. Not everything has to be or should be.

I think there's a little more to the problem than that.

Dark Artist wrote: »

these people have neglected to extend the invite to me on multiple occasions/nights out where my boyfriend had to intervene and fight for me to be involved. They like to act exclusive so I shouldn't be surprised that they took it this far

OP, of course people in couples can spend time apart with their separate groups of friends but this appears to be an ongoing issue with these particular people. When you say they "like to act exclusive" do you mean they're snobs or something like that?

I think it's time to sit down and have a chat with your partner. It's good that he has intervened previously when they've tried to exclude you, but that should happen once or twice then the message should be understood.

Certainly if it was myself in his situation, I would either insist they treat my partner with respect us and as the couple we are or I would simply be turning down their invites.

Neyite · 09-06-2015 9:12am

I cant tell whether you have a boyfriends-friends problem, or a boyfriend problem, so my advice is tailored for both:

If its a no-partners thing, then you should suck it up, be gracious and tell your partner to enjoy his weekend away. Anything other than that will make you look unreasonable and reinforce any dislike they might have of you.

However, if they are constantly excluding you, and wanting your boyfriend consistently to themselves, then that is quite cliquish and exclusionary, and the answer is quite simple - if your partner would prefer to share an event with you, then he declines the invitation.

power pants · 09-06-2015 9:22am

Im not sure that it really is such a big deal. It seems that its a weekend of 3 friends with no partners ( i am assuming) and that the other 2 would appear to not like the op.

It is up to the op's boyfriend if he wishes to go or not but I dont think the 2 friends are under any obligation to invite op or to like him if they dont.

Op has said he has nothing in common with them, therefore Im not sure how great a weekend it would be for either party?

At the end of the day, we cant all be friends with everyone and they are civil enough to you and you to them.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2015 9:34am

OP how long are you and your other half together and I know this may not be a comfortable question to answer but how many boyfriends has he had before you? I ask because I did have something similar with one of my best friends who had an awful track record for dating awful people and several of our group of friends got quite fed up with him over it. He started dating his current GF (now his wife) and while I met her and took to her straight away two friends of ours did not. They live closer to him then me and had been there to deal with the break up from the pervious girlfriend who had been an utter nightmare (violent, abusive etc etc). He'd been together about 5 months with now wife when a trip over seas for him and the two other friends that had been planned 6 months before came up. It was all set for the three of them and then he asked last minute if GF could come and when they said they'd rather it was just the 3 of them as planned he threw a strop, didn't go, and stopped speaking to them. It took years for him to repair the friendship with one of them and the other has never spoken to him again.

None of them were right or wrong in the situation - Our two friends were just tired from past experience, had I been going on the trip I might have reacted the same as he did invite a pervious GF on a trip we'd planned and she ruined it for everyone with her drama. And he was right to get upset at what he saw as a slight to his GF. We didn't know he'd finally got his head screwed on right and was dating a really lovely person whose now part of our social group, we only had past history to base it on as they'd only been together such a short time.

If this is a friends trip away without partners I honestly wouldn't be getting massively worked up about it. If you've not spent much time with them and they've not included you in things before, why would you want to go away with them? My husband has friends he goes away with all the time without me, and I do the same, I just got back from a weekend trip away with a group of friends and left hubby at home. If they are actively excluding you from other regular social events then sit down and talk to your BF about it, at the end of the day your dating him not his friends.

Just because your dating someone doesn't automatically mean you get invited by their friends to everything. Depending on the person and their dating history some friends can feel put out by partners being forced into their social group from the word go. Of course if you've been dating for ages ignore the above and have a serious chat with your OH

sam34 · 09-06-2015 11:27am

I have a group of 4 friends from college and we get together every 6 months or so for dinner and drinks. We never ever bring spouses/partners/BFs/GFs along, it's just the five of us. We've known each other for nearly two decades and when we meet up we just want that 'core' group. There are other occasions throughout the year where we meet up with spouses etc but we keep two nights sacrosanct.

Maybe this weekend is something like that?

jimmycrackcorm · 09-06-2015 12:59pm

My wife has been invited out on occasions by her friend and her partner. They're her friends not mine. I would have been happy to go also but equally I'm not bothered about not being invited because we're not attached at the hip.

Dark Artist · 09-06-2015 4:46pm

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'll try to address as much of your points as possible.

Yes the comment about being left to my own devices is dramatic. It was more a point on the fun I'd be missing out on rather than how I'd spend my time. I can honestly say I'm not possessive at all of him and I'm very conscious of the fact that he needs his own space.

The guy and girl are not a couple, as some have asked. The guy is gay and the girl is straight. She has a boyfriend, but I don't know if he's going. It's such an early stage that it's not yet decided who's going and who's not, so who knows if there will be couples there or not. All that's decided is that I'm not welcome, and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.

I brought it up again with him last night after I posted. His explanation was that the boy is very "protective" of his friend group, and likes to keep it small and intimate, so he can be around people who "like" him and feel comfortable.

Someone asked if they are snobs - yes. Other friends of his who have met them will have nothing to do with them because they are so snobby. They like to keep up appearances and be in a clique. My boyfriend complains sometimes how they drag him to restaurants that he knows none of them can afford. That type of nonsense.

Someone else brought up the point of why I would want to go if I have nothing in common with them anyway. To me, there's a difference between not getting on with me but still caring enough to make gestures where possible out of respect, as opposed to completely giving up and throwing it in my face. In other words, an invitation to this trip is a very easy thing they could have done as a step to nurturing a possibly good relationship between us, for my boyfriend's sake, and they decided not to do that.

Someone else asked if my boyfriend has a history of dating bad people. I think we all do. One thing I should mention is that my boyfriend actually dated this guy for a few weeks about three years ago, which is how they met. They've both dated multiple guys since then and have remained friends, so I'm not worried that there's something between them, but this is my boyfriend's first serious relationship so you can see that there is certainly a framework for how he is judging me.

It's very frustrating that my boyfriend caters to this stuck-up madness. However, I think I have to keep in mind that they were on the scene way before I was. I'm trying to tread the 'me vs them' territory very carefully and not **** it up by coming across as the bad guy. A lot of people here have pointed out that I am dating him, not them, and that his friends are his friends and don't necessarily have to be mine. I think this is the right attitude that I need to adopt from here on and it's the attitude that will help me through any annoying instances with them. I'm not holding out for them to change their ways, or for my boyfriend to change his relationship with them, so I'm going to do the only thing I can do, which is suck it up and get over it.

My mom still doesn't get along with certain people on my dad's side of the family and it's not a big deal. People don't see eye to eye - it's life. I can't let it drive a wedge between myself and my boyfriend, which is probably something that would give them great satisfaction. The sooner I consider them a lost cause the sooner they'll stop getting on my nerves. It's just difficult to accept that he'll be creating lots of fun, exciting vacation memories that I could so easily be a part of if these people were only a little more inclusive. Well, what can you do. At the end of the day, I have my time with him, he is an amazing person in all other respects and that's all that matters.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2015 5:08pm

Dark Artist wrote: »

It's very frustrating that my boyfriend caters to this stuck-up madness. However, I think I have to keep in mind that they were on the scene way before I was. I'm trying to tread the 'me vs them' territory very carefully and not **** it up by coming across as the bad guy. A lot of people here have pointed out that I am dating him, not them, and that his friends are his friends and don't necessarily have to be mine. I think this is the right attitude that I need to adopt from here on and it's the attitude that will help me through any annoying instances with them. I'm not holding out for them to change their ways, or for my boyfriend to change his relationship with them, so I'm going to do the only thing I can do, which is suck it up and get over it.

Given your update OP I do think you've got the right attitude towards this, seriously just ignore them. If his other friends aren't crazy about these two then I really wouldn't be getting worked up about it. I've been there with friends that I kept that other friends just couldn't see why and at times I asked myself why I was still friends with them but when people are there for certain moments in your life it can be hard to just drop them. It doesn't sound like your OH is spending massive amount of time with them or ignoring you for them. I know you'd like to at least have been asked but I wouldn't let it stress you or effect your relationship.

Honestly I'd say the friendship will fade away in the end, I had a group of friends when I was in college that include a guy and a girl that were like these two….very snobby and painful at times but part of a much larger group they were ok. Another guy in our group was much closer to them, they'd all been friends since school and had been through a lot and the two guys had dated for a short period. After college everyone moved on but these two, they kept trying to drag the other guy along with them on trips and nights out but he'd found a great boyfriend and found he had less and less time for them and felt really guilty about because they had been there for him at a very trying time in his life but he did eventually move on from them when it became clear they weren't going to change.

CaraMay · 09-06-2015 5:35pm

So you are now upset in your boyfriends behalf? You think they should invite you along for the sake of it because it would be a nice gesture to include his partner. Maybe no partners will be going. You don't know that yet.

It's time to let this go. Who cares if they go to restaurants they can't afford - I'll bet 50% of the clientele can't either

Matteroffact · 09-06-2015 5:39pm

Well if there are no couples going to this get together then I would not take one bit offence at not being invited. I thought the guy and girl were a couple, so if it is just for close friends and not a couples thing then don't think about it one minute further. You are not in their clique and you don't want to be. Your partner will come running home to you when it is all over and be so glad that you are there for him, and just remember "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Mr. Incognito · 09-06-2015 11:12pm

They sound like idiots.

Stand back and let them off and say nothing.

Your bf will grow out of them.

MrWalsh · 10-06-2015 8:40am

Personally if my partner had horrible friends like that Id be delighted I wasnt invited rather than have to suffer a painful weekend with them - they do sound like ar$eholes tbh.

Encourage him to go and have a good time and enjoy your own weekend and every so often smile and remember that you are at peace in your own space without suffering fools

Terri26 · 10-06-2015 10:48am

My reading on this is that it's a friendship thing. I like going away/out with just my friends. Bringing partners/new friends changes the dynamics as you have to cater for those too so you're not rude. You can't discuss old memories in detail, mutual friends I'd the newbies don't know them. Obviously some occasions partners are invited and that's great for that.
I think you're being quite needy. Maybe the guy doesn't want partners going as then he'd be alone. You're making too big of an issue of this. I wouldn't ask my partner to go on a friends only trip and would not be happy if he tried to guilt trip me like you are doing. Why don't you organise an event you can all attend if you care that much and hang out with your own friends when he is away.

Boyfriend's friends not extending the invite

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