Afraid I have HIV

LegacyUser

Here goes...
30 year old male here.

I have always fantasised about being with other men and have never gotten much from being with women. So last week, I finally acted on my urges. I was chatting to a guy online and we arranged to meet that night. I had chatted with him on and off for a few months but never got the courage to meet him. So I went to his place and ended up having full intercourse. Something that I didn't really intend to do on my first go. We kissed, I gave him oral (with a condom on him) and he had sex with me (with condom on) with me receiving. I didn't enjoy any of it. I thought sex with men was what I had always wanted but none of it appealed to me. And it's not from 'the shame' or anything, I just didn't like it at all.

So afterwards, I felt happy that maybe I'm not gay, but bisexual to some degree. Who knows. But it was a relief to finally do it and realise that maybe no, it wasn't for me. Fast forward a few hours and I started panicking about contracting HIV from him. I began getting so worked up about it. I kept thinking 'what if there was a hole in the condom, what if he never realised he was HIV positive'. I read about a drug called PEP that when taken immediately after sex, it can lessen the chances of HIV getting a hold in the body. But it has to be taken ASAP. So I googled the nearest STI centres and left a voicemail at the closest one saying can I have an appointment and that I thought it was urgent. This was about 1am.

The next morning (I skipped work) I drove to the STI centre. Before I went in, I called them again andthey answered. The woman told me that they were very busy and was very unsympathetic towards me. She told me that she would make an appointment for me in 2 weeks time. At this stage, I decided to go to A and E. They sent me to a consultant for infectious diseases. He told me that i was low risk, but that I could take the PEP drugs if I wanted. They are a full months' course. So I finally got to take them 15 hours after sex.

I have since contacted the guy I had sex with and he said he is clean but he hasn't ever taken a test.

I just feel like my world has caved in on me this week. I am so worried that I have contracted HIV and I have to wait 3 months after I finish the PEP drugs to be able to test if I have HIV. SO that's 4 months of waiting if I have an incurable disease. I feel suicidal, I will probably lose my job if I have HIV. I don't know what to do. Please tell me I'm over reacting

Merkin

Please try not to worry. You had protected anal and oral sex with this guy and your chances of contracting anything are really minimal. Granted you can't be certain whether he does or doesn't have HIV because he hasn't been tested but you have protected yourself as is recommended by any number of sexual health organisations. In addition PEP is a useful drug to take prophylactically. I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry and if you do find that your anxiety is becoming intense or you genuinely are worried for your safety then I would advise you go and speak to your GP about getting some anti anxiety medication on a short term basis.

Do you potentially think that your rather extreme reaction is a reflection of how you're feeling in the wake of a new sexual experience? You mention being 'happy' that you're not gay and I'm wondering if there is some correlation between the two. Certainly something to consider OP.

In any event, I think you will be fine. Just keep the faith and try and view your recent experience as something that required bravery but was entirely necessary for you to put your mind at ease.

Xterminator

Well you know your not thinking rationally don't you?

of course having sex using barrier contraception with a stranger was risky behavior. But the chance you actually got infected is very very low. As in lottery odds. You have 99.99% chance you are clear.

I know your mind wont be at ease until you get the offical all clear, but seriously you need to continue living your life and doing your job with as much normality as possible.

Dont crucify yourself. Learn from your mistakes, but don't relive them over and over in your mind. Move on.

X

Sligo1

Just to add to the very good posts above, you know you can do a blood test for HIV. The results would be avaliable to you a lot sooner than the 4 months. do the PEP drugs affect these results? Is this why you haven't done a blood test already?

Also, you have been very responsible in the precautions you have taken so your risks I would think would be minimal anyway.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

jopax

Hi op,

I think you will be fine, you are just after working yourself up into a state of panic.
I just wanted to say, if you were with a woman and had protected sex you probably wouldn't be worried like this even though she could be HIV positive.
So try to rationalise it out, its good that you took precautions, don't beat yourself up, you will be grand.

The_Valeyard

OP,


You played it safe, good man

The chances of you currently contracting HIV are so low you could statistically be struck by lightning multiple times in a row.

Put the mind as ease, and get some sleep.

blatantrereg

Chances of being infected from a single encounter using a condom are miniscule, even if the guy actually had it in the first place. Transmission rates are surprisingly low in general tbh. Anal sex is by far the highest, but still low.

Your reaction is hugely excessive.I'd say that it is in itself much more a concern than what you are actually worrying about. If it's not an isolated episode you might consider talking to a doctor about your mental health.

If you haven't received an STI check in your life, then you should consider getting you regardless of your fears - though your fears regarding HIV are possibly unfounded, because you did the right thing and stayed completely safe.

Just so you know, you can attend drop-in clinics, where appointments aren't necessary. There's an (albeit possibly outdated) thread here.

IlmoNT4

You did everything right, except maybe rushing into having sex with someone whom you hadnt discussed their sexual history but lets look at what you did do right

-you used condoms --> big win
-you used condoms for oral sex --> go you
-you didnt accept an appointment in 2 weeks from the STD clinic and got yourself quick smart to A&E and they have you on PEP

All of these things are good. Even if the guy you had sex with did have HIV, there would have to be an issue with the condom during anal or an issue with a cut or gum issues in your mouth. If the condom ripped you would have known about it. Your pretty sure the condoms stayed intact and now you are taking medication that further reduce your risk.

These are all really positive things.
I think, your reaction has probably been triggered by trying something new that you werent ready for and this is your way of trying to make everything ok and go back to the way it was. If you feel really bad about it, talk to a therapist and as someone else posted here, if you are feeling suicidal, call a friend or go to A&E. I promise you OP, you'll get through this and you'll be fine. I think your risk is very low and you have nothing to worry about. Try and relax and get yourself tested when you can. Encourage your friend to get tested as well. He'll probably get his test results back quicker and if hes all clear then you'll probably be as well.

Good luck

captainfrost

You used condom, even with oral which i really do not know if it is necessary after self examination for cut.
There is no cause for alarm.
OR THIS IS NOT THE FULL STORY?
If it is, then you really do not need to worry. Plus i can fairly assure you that the PEP drug works well even "if", especially when it taken ASAP.

Didley

It's natural to worry after trying something entirely new, but as the others said, you took all the necessary precautions so the odds of contracting something is very slim. Don't be worrying and good luck