General dating questions and tinder!

LegacyUser

Hey,

Just looking for some objective advice here

So first problem: most (almost all) of my friends live abroad and I find myself some what friendless here in Ireland. A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who is something of a social butterfly and has a massive group of friends - and found myself becoming very worried about what if, this went further and he realised that well I am basically a loner here - how would that go down with guys? I mean would it be an instant warning sign to them to "get away" - asking " why has she no friends" - just a general warning sign for men? etc etc

Anyway this is really getting me down and self conscious - anyway i didn't go on a second date with the man above , as I just felt intimidated - and in adequate. I know that sounds stupid, but I did - he asked to meet me again, but I kept putting it off.

Just to note: I am really trying at the moment to join clubs and make new friends ( much success, but slowly slowly!)

2nd issue:

As I haven't been in a relationship for over 5 years (I am 29) and as I mentioned above - I have next to no friends in Ireland, so going out on a Saturday nights doesn't happen, so I have started to dabble on Tinder (where I met man above) - my question is - are women in Ireland actually using this with success?? Is it really considered just for " hooking up"? I am concerned that if guys from work see me on this - they will joke about it and take the p*ss. Is tinder now the norm for dating?

yup I am a very self conscious person

Thanks all

Hombre Lobo

Speaking as a guy I personally wouldn't judge you in the slightest if you had very few or no friends. If I'm going out on a date with you then it's you I'm interested in and not your friends or how many you have.

If he wanted to see you again he must have liked you. Is there any way you can get back in contact and meet up again (assuming that's what you are interested in?)

You can just say you don't have many friends and that they live abroad. I doubt any guy would bat an eye over it and it would be a complete non-issue. The worst that will happen is he won't be interested any more and you'll just be back in the same situation as not meeting him again.


With regards to Tinder, I've never used it but I believe it's based on appearance first only. So you both kind of connect if you like one another and then can chat from there. Try not to worry too much about work colleagues seeing you on dating sites. Many people use these nowadays to meet people and it's nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with wanting to start a relationship.

s15r330

Same as above poster, I wouldn't give the friend thing a second thought so you're worrying there for nothing.
I'd consider myself a bit of a Tinder/POF veteran.
I was on both for over a year and met A LOT of girls, having come out of a 5 year relationship. It can be for hook ups, but there are also genuine people on there, even if they are few and far between. POF is more for people looking for a bf/gf but be prepared for the idiots just looking for sex too.
If you like the lad you met, get in contact, explain exactly why you were anxious and I bet he is relieved it wasn't because you weren't interested.
PS I met my current gf on POF 4 months ago and she is amazing!

Tinder is terrible. OKCupid or POF is much better.

Augme

selfies_85 wrote: »

Hey,

Just looking for some objective advice here

So first problem: most (almost all) of my friends live abroad and I find myself some what friendless here in Ireland. A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who is something of a social butterfly and has a massive group of friends - and found myself becoming very worried about what if, this went further and he realised that well I am basically a loner here - how would that go down with guys? I mean would it be an instant warning sign to them to "get away" - asking " why has she no friends" - just a general warning sign for men? etc etc

To be honest it would put me off. The more into the relationship the more obliged I'd feel about having to spend time with you. I'd worry about feeling guilty about heading out on a Saturday night with my friends if it meant you were stuck inside on your own. Not every guy will feel that way though.

selfies_85 wrote: »

Anyway this is really getting me down and self conscious - anyway i didn't go on a second date with the man above , as I just felt intimidated - and in adequate. I know that sounds stupid, but I did - he asked to meet me again, but I kept putting it off.

Just to note: I am really trying at the moment to join clubs and make new friends ( much success, but slowly slowly!)

2nd issue:

As I haven't been in a relationship for over 5 years (I am 29) and as I mentioned above - I have next to no friends in Ireland, so going out on a Saturday nights doesn't happen, so I have started to dabble on Tinder (where I met man above) - my question is - are women in Ireland actually using this with success?? Is it really considered just for " hooking up"? I am concerned that if guys from work see me on this - they will joke about it and take the p*ss. Is tinder now the norm for dating?

yup I am a very self conscious person

Thanks all

I'm not sure women are using it with success, the same with every other method of dating though. I don't think it's seen as purely a hook-up site though.

ibarelycare

As someone who online dates, I have to be honest and say it is a red flag for me if I meet someone and I discover that they don't really have a social circle. I have found people like that to be very co-dependent. I enjoy doing my own things with my own friends without feeling guilty, and I like being with someone who's independent too. I'm not saying that you are necessarily like this OP, but it might be something that would put potential dates off you.

As well as trying to arrange dates, I would suggest trying to make an effort to make friends too. You should join www.meetup.com and join some groups that interest you, and make an effort to attend some of the events.

Also there's a private forum here on boards for all things online dating related, and it's a great resource. You can request access here if you are interested.

ongarboy

Someone who does not have a lot of friends doesn't automatically mean they'll become too dependent on a partner. They may just be an independent person who enjoys their own company, may be introverted or any number of reasons. Often when you get older and all your mates pair off with partners and have children, if you are still single, you can find yourself without a regular social circle as your mates have new priorities and commitments (family etc). A problem would only emerge if you translated that lack of other social interaction into needy social dependence on your new partner.

OP - if you spark with someone and there is chemistry there, that is the most important thing. A mature and decent person will not judge you on something as superficial as how many friends you have. It's best to have one true friend you can always count on then dozens of social acquaintance or 100s of FB "friends". If a potential partner couldn't see beyond that, you need to question whether they are worth dating.

ibarelycare

I'm not superficial by any means. My reasoning is based on my own personal experiences.

ongarboy

ibarelycare wrote: »

I'm not superficial by any means. My reasoning is based on my own personal experiences.

I wasn't saying that you were. My thoughts were based more on one rejecting someone who had many great attributes but would somehow overlook all that just because they didn't have an amazing social life and/or loads of friends also. I didn't want OP to feel that lacking same was something to be ashamed of.

OneOfThem

As people have said, the fear in this situation for some people would be that the other person would be too dependant on you. But if you're not a clingy person it shouldn't be a problem.

In general this, you 'being a bit of a loner', will be much much much less of an issue for guys than it would be for girls.

But if you're not clingy, it's likely he won't give a crap, or make any judgments of you.

aidanki

I remember hearing the owner of a partner seeking people service in cork being interviewed on the business show on Sunday morning. This was a very above board service rather than some type of hook up service.

The owner would actually interview people and then she would match them according to their interests, contact would be made and it was up to them what they did after that.

Anyone know the name of the agency ?

LegacyUser

I met my boyfriend (nearly a year ago) on tinder. We're mid/late twenties.

I would consider myself a very sociable person, I have plenty of friends and would have different people to meet during the week and at weekends. Nights out and weekends away with the girls are quite frequent. My boyfriend has a much quieter social life, for a few reasons. He didn't go to college in the city we live in, and most of his friends from home have emigrated. He does, however, have a sport he's into (meaning training/matches 2-3 times per week) and will socialise with work on occasion.

I don't feel compelled to spend extra time with him, because he quite likes his own downtime. Again I don't feel bad going out with my friends or away for a weekend, because he's known that I've a busy social life since he met me.

If someone is into you, they'll take the time to get to know you and not make assumptions based on how many social events are in your calendar.

Also to note, quite a few of my friends are in serious relationships from tinder.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Chemical Byrne

Deleted User wrote: »

Tinder is terrible. OKCupid or POF is much better.

+1/ Tinder lends itself towards casual hookups and is chock full of messers.
POF, while there are plenty messers there too, is much better if your seeking something to develop into a relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thank you for all your replies - this forum really is great for getting a range of perspectives, it is so helpful.

In response to one poster who said that not having a social circle would be off putting, I totally get it, which is why I am so self conscious about not having a load of buddies here in Ireland - I am not friendless, and I am not a clingy person - I am very independent, which is probably why throughout my life I haven't ever had a massive gang of mates, i suppose I would be an introvert really, but by no means clingy - which is probably a problem in itself.

What is happened is that I have left the UK, returned to Ireland ( because I wanted to make another go of it here) and have essentially made the decision to leave my close friends in the UK - so this is an issue of my own making and I knew what I was doing, but as a result problems like this now arise from it. I travel back and forth for work very often and catch up with them and have two holidays away planned during the summer with my friends in the UK.

My social circle here at the moment is my two sisters and we are extremely close, so I often hang out with them and their buddies at weekends, but is that considered - a bit sad?

I have continued with tinder - with no success hhaaha it seems to be really about matches, no one seems to actually message much on it, but I might give POF ago.

Augme

Have you considered not looking for a boyfriend until you find friends? You could be better off to spend that free time going to meet-up events or joining a club/society etc to find female or platonic friends. The fact that when you do find a guy you really like you then decide to cut contact because you are worried about what he will think about the size of your friends.

magicmushroom

selfies_85 wrote: »

My social circle here at the moment is my two sisters and we are extremely close, so I often hang out with them and their buddies at weekends, but is that considered - a bit sad?

I wouldn't consider that sad at all, if I was in the same country as my sister she would most likely be the centre of my social circle too.

Try POF, I was on Tinder and didn't like it - POF is good though, people are far more chatty and most seem to be genuine enough. You also get to see a lot of information on them (if they have provided it) before you message them, whereas Tinder is just based on looks.

Chemical Byrne

Fully agree. Tinder is a waste of time. No information on it, all about looks. The fact that POF requires a bit of effort and input to create a half decent profile would tend to weed out a lot of the messers as those people would not make the effort to write a proper profile. It's pretty easy to see who makes the effort and who is a messer on POF that way.