Can't decide whether I've been depressed for the last 5 years

LegacyUser

Today I broke down in tears. I'm not even sure why, but this is something that tends to happen to me about five or six times a year for no reason. It's like most of the time i'm on auto-pilot and don't think about my problems but then some days it just hits me hard and I break down and cry.

I'm smart but I have no idea if I've been depressed or not for the last 5 years. I never really tend to feel suicidal or anything like that but on the other hand I rarely ever feel really happy. It's odd because there are things I enjoy in life like good food, watching soccer, playing guitar, TV shows, travelling. All of these things provide me with some level of happiness. But I never really feel truly happy. Most of my life is spent in a feeling of apathy and anxiety.

I avoid interacting with people much and I think this could be the source of a lot of my issues. I have low self-esteem and probably social anxiety (am also a hypochondriac) so a lot of my time is spent avoiding people and worrying about my health. When I think about all the opportunities I've missed out on in life and all the time I have spent alone, all because of my fear of rejection in social situations I feel very sad. I wish I could be the guy that goes and chats with random people or even people I know but I never ever have the desire to do it unless I am drinking alcohol. This is why I think I might be depressed. A lack of interest in socialising is causing me to live a very unhappy life. The health anxiety I can deal with but being lonely a lot gets to me. The reason i'm not interested in socializing is hard to explain. It's like I've spent so long avoiding it that I just don't want to even try it.

I'm stuck in my own little bubble. In college, I made a grand total of three friends (whom ive lost all contact with) and I went to about 5 nights out over four years. I had a job in an office and also kept to myself - everyone thought I was weird. I've travelled alone four times and spent 90% of the time in my own company. I don't know if I need medication like SSRI's because I don't know if im depressed. My doctor says i'm not, because I still pursue my interests. I just suffer from very low confidence. But how the hell can this be fixed?

I went to exercise today and thought **** it, what's the point and I sat there on the grass crying my eyes out. As I said I don't feel suicidal but I wish I felt happy enough to be someone who feels like actually interacting with people instead of keeping to myself all the time. I'm either chronically depressed or just an an uninteresting loser. If I were to die now about 5-10 people would be at my funeral. How pathetic is that.

I will try to list any positive things that have happened in the last 5-8 years - I graduated from college, I had a three year loving relationship which ultimately failed, I had three different (small groups of friends) over the years, I had a job, I joined scouts for a few months, I have travelled to the other side of the world alone.

I have achieved quite a bit in my life I guess, considering my problems. But I have So much potential as a person, yet I have kept to myself for years. I'm now 26 years old and arguably the best years of my life have been spent in this state. In summary, I actually don't know what the hell is wrong with me but there is definitely something. I remember being like this a bit as a child and into my teens but I was helped by being around people a lot in school and pretty much not having anxiety about talking to people because I was too young to think about it too much.

My doctor said I'm actually a pretty normal person who has lived a pretty normal life, althogh with definite anxiety issues. But when I look around me I don't feel normal. I tend to always look on the bad side and disqualify the positive. I don't have tonnes of friends like most people I see on facebook. I can't do basic things like talk to random people without feeling anxiety. I don't really have a social life outside drinking at the weekends because I don't feel like being social, its even an effort to talk to family sometimes. I hope someone here can understand me, I struggle to understand myself sometimes and why I think the way I do.

Merkin

Just a reminder folks, no amateur diagnostics please, thanks.

IlmoNT4

I cant tell you if you are depressed or if what you are going through is normal....There is no normal.

Just because you are doing things and going to work doesnt mean you arent depressed. I'm not a doctor and I cant advice you on these things but I'd go to another doctor. Would you consider talking to a therapist? A GP will usually prescribe an anti depressant if you are very bad, but honestly if you can stay off the things the better. However theres no shame in taking them. Anti depressants wouldnt fix you, all they do is kinda flat line out the high and low emotions so you can have a breath and get yourself into therapy.

I think that if you are breaking down and crying, then it would be good for you to talk to a therapist. I think it would be a good place to start. You are clearly unhappy with the way your life is going and how you feel about that and the only person who can fix how you feel, is you. To do that you need support and guidance.

My own experience with doctors etc, You need to find a GP who has your interest at heart and isnt going to fob you off with medication or just "theres nothing wrong with you". That isnt helpful and while you may feel some what ok today, roll on another 10 years and you may look back and wish you had done something about your feelings when you were 26.

Roselm

It might be worth talking to a psychiatrist as they can medicate and diagnose disorders if needed but counselling is talking only. I'm thinking you don't want to end up on the wrong medication or in the wrong therapy if you've wrongly guessed what your diagnosis might be...

liquoriceall

First things first get off facebook it is such a cause of depression

orthsquel

OP have to tried to really deal with the issues you've mentioned, to get past them or deal with them?

You sound to me really frustrated. Like you've been in a boat, paddling with the one oar in a circle for years with your issues, that they're just there in the background acknowledged to a point but it sounds like you've avoided dealing with them... and then it hits you like you have bottled it all up, in the realisation that this if your life and nothing has changed, while you paddle along in a circle with issues, realising you have missed out.

That's what it sounds like to me. Putting whether you are depressed or not aside as I'm not qualified to answer that, perhaps you need to start working on various issues you have mentioned in some way, with specific support.

Do you want your life to change and to get better? If yes, then perhaps you need to somehow find it in yourself to find that second oar to steer yourself out of that circle, once and for all.

You have accomplished a lot in your life, and perhaps you know all too well that your personal problems and issues just never change. They never will unless you start to deal with them, and the best way to do that is with help and support. Perhaps that is why you cannot see the positive in everything because while you succeed in some areas, it is not mirrored in other aspects of your life.

as for the "tons of friends on facebook" most people in reality only have what they can count on their hands. Do not take what you see on facebook as reality or an interpretation of another person's life or reality.