Family communion issue - threatening ex- brother in law

LegacyUser

Trying to condense this

I'm Irish living in london. My sister lives on the Kent coast with her 2 kids. She's separated from her husband (4 years now). And he's a very psychologically damaged person. He's threatended suicide a number of times and been made redundant from pretty much every job he's ever had. He had been diagnosed with depression but I thinks it's more like Borderline Personality Disorder. My sister and he had ups and downs and as she said she shouldn't have married him - but hindsight is a great thing. I used to be friendly enough with him in the start but was never uneasy the way he always slagged her off to me. He'd tell me about his problems and I listened but after a while it was the same old thing and I challenged him on it and I think that's where it changed. One night when I was the drunkest I've ever been (I was visiting them in New York) he made a pass at me. I put it out of my head for a few years (I think I was too shocked, drunk etc).

Anyway fast forward a number of years and a few redundancies for him and bouts of so called depression (the depression was the precursor to the redundancies) and they had 2 children. As a husband and father he didn't help out in the house, no cooking, cleaning, or looking after the young kids. Despite my sister earning more than twice what he did. He "couldn't cope" with them

They moved to london/Kent after he lost his job again due to his bad behaviour and it came out that I didn't like him and my sister and I became estranged. Slowly she realised that what a controlling manipulative workshop a$$hole he was and she'd had enough and I gave her the money to leave him. He didn't take it well, locked her in the bathroom, took the car keys, and worse. He'd spit at her, announce on Facebook that she was a whore, follow her, so as anyone can imagine it got pretty heated between me and him sometimes. He got arrested for drunk driving, locked up over night, threaten suicide a few times - all bad bad behaviour. Naturally I got all the blame for my sister leaving him. He can't take any responsbility for anything.
Over the past 4 years he's also done his utmost to turn his children against me. Which my sister has done her best to counteract.

My nieces communion is tomorrow to which my sister invited me and he threatened not to come as I was there. He even tried to get his daughter, my niece to say I'm not invited anymore as he kept saying there would be a fight. And she didn't want fight. Now of course I'd never have a fight. He just didn't want me there as he doesn't like me.

I didnr really think about it, I expected us to be civil and polite to each other but also ignore each other. I mean that's how civilised people behave isn't it?

But no, this evening i was in the house and he arrived (he doesn't live there) and he went mental. He talked saying what a bad smell there was in the house and how the communion was for family and invited guests only and I shouldn't be there. and this was in front of the kids. And that my niece didn't want me there. He was so aggressive that I actually felt threatened. He obviously doesn't care about his children, I've always said that but he's really gone too far this time.

So now I'm sitting in the b&b wondering if I should just get the train back in the morning.
It's not fair on my niece that he can't behave himself and I don't want her day ruined.
My sister says he won't be like that, he'll behave as he will look bad in front of people but I feel upset and actually a bit scared.

What should I do?

Sunflower 27

I think you are right to be afraid, if I am honest. This guy holds you responsible for his wife leaving him. In his mind it is not about his appalling treatment of her - it was the fact you gave the money to leave and supported her in doing so.

If I were you, I would not go. I know you think it will ruin your niece's day, but if he father goes off on one (and he has shown form through FB of insulting your sister so he has no qualms causing a scene) then that will ruin her day more than you not being there.

You can explain things to your niece and do something special for her at a later date.

Your sister is likely playing things down because she wants you there for support, but rest assured you WOULD be the one singled out for abuse. He sounds so selfish that he would have no problem ruining the day for his daughter as long as he managed to humiliate you.

CaraMay

I think you shouldn't attend tomorrow. It's your nieces say, he's a nut job and nothing should ruin her day. Call and say you are sick.

Queen-Mise

Definitely go to the communion, but do not be drawn into anything.

You are going for your niece and her day and probably to be a emotional support for your sister.

jopax

Hi op,

I know its a very difficult situation for you to be in, and in an ideal world you should be able to go tomorrow.
I think you would be wise however to stay well clear.
He is her father and he is going to be there, you have already got a taste of what's in store for you.
I think the idea of calling and saying your sick is a very good one.
There is no benefit to anyone you being there tomorrow, only trouble will come out of it.

MouseTail

I don't think you should go. Can you call round in the evening once he has left, or take your sister and niece out for a special day the following day?

qwerty1991

I think you should go to the communion op. Even just to go to your niece for 5 minutes after the ceremony to grab a picture or something (preferably when the ex bro in law is preoccupied).

I don't think you should go to make a point or cause a fight. This is your nieces communion and you were invited. Where is your sister in all of this? Is she not saying to your niece "ignore daddy of course aunty x is coming".

You have said he treated your sister like this throughout their marriage and is behaving like this in front of the children. Well if you don't go it will:

a. Show the children that bullying daddy's behaviour gets his way.

b. Maybe they will believe you shouldn't have been there if you don't show up. Children wouldn't understand the complexities of the situation. They will understand their father saying aunty x didn't come cos we dont want her here cos she is this, this nd this.

I think if you don't go he will know his intimidation and threats of arguments work. He will further polarize from your nieces milestones such as birthdays etc. Go to the communion. Hard as it is, ignore him. If he goes off on one and if his parents/siblings are there maybe take one aside and ask them to speak to him. I am sure reasonable people would not like to see their son/brother behave that way in front of children and friends.


Good luck op!

If you don't go the father will tell the niece you aren't there because you don't care about her or something. Go briefly then leave early

retro:electro

If you don't go he will know he has got into your head and frightened you. Go, even if it's for an hour, get some photos and wish your niece well. He isn't going to make a scene on his daughter's day with everyone around, and if he does then more fool him. He's a classic bully, don't let him intimidate you.
Just as a matter of interest are you male or female?

Miaireland

Go to the church, sit away from the family. Try and catch your niece's eye so she knows you are there and then leave. The man is a nut job and I doubt people being there is going to stop him causing a scene. Maybe consider staying in the B&B for the night in case your sister needs you.

Suzyq

Your poor niece growing up with a dad like that.

I don't think today is the day for 'don't let him bully you' attitudes, it really is the time to consider what's best for her. I agree with the poster who said to go to the church so she knows you love and care for her and then leave him to it.

I would also stay nearby in case they need you later.

Hoping your niece has a nice day.

December2012

What does your sister say?

Neyite

They always blame others. Especially to isolate the strong people away from the spouse they want to control - that's you in this case.

Go to the communion, but if you like you can make yourself scarce later in the day. It might be likely that he will kick off in private later, but usually that tends to happen at events regardless of who is there. Ruining important family occasions is par for the course I'm afraid, and chances are the kids are well used to his behaviour. Your sister wants you there, so in that case, I'd go to support her.