Need support...

Moving on 123

I am in a big mess...
I need to spit out my feelings but ...I m too ashamed to tell this to my parents or friends yet. So here it goes...
Last week I found out that my husband has been cheating on me for years. Not once but not with the same women according to him. Sex with escorts, massages + hand relief somewhere...that type...
We have been married for 12 years have no children. Got married at 23 so yes very young...
We spend a lot of time together as don't have mutual couple friends. He doesn't have any friends in fact. I thought we were doing alright : spoke a lot, planed future, were kind to each other. That's why I am absolutely gutted and feel so destroyed after finding out all this. I am in shock and can't start thinking clearly...
He says he loves me very much as a friend and wants to stay with me but admits he needs to look for sex somewhere else as I don't give what he wants sexually. I do admit that our bedroom business has gone to complete crap but I do want to try work it out and fix it. He doesn't. He is convinced it can't be fixed. Where can I go from here? Even if I manage to forgive him how can we move on....shouldn't he be apologetic and promise it will not happen again?! At least?!
Another bombshell he dropped today as I found him looking at vasectomy clinics! He said he wants to do it to ensure he will never make any women pregnant. When I asked him shouldn't he discuss this massive decision with me he just couldn't understand why and said nothing is going to change his mind...He says he wants it and that's it. Just like that?!
I feel so betrayed no words can describe...I can't even start crying...I can't sleep I can't eat I can barely breath right now....I v been such a fool! I feel I have wasted so much of me to this..
Finally I m so lost and have no one to talk to about it...

How should I help myself? Need some advice on how I can survive this....

P.S. English is not my first language so apologies for spelling and grammar.

Chloris

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It can't be easy to find out that the person you love and trust is being dishonest. You'll have to make some difficult decisions going forward, but the most important advice I can really give you is to make sure you think about yourself and your happiness going forward. It may be blunt, but if you thought of the two of you as a team during your relationship, you should maybe consider severing that tie and looking out for number one now.

Your sexual relationship was a two-party endeavour. He sought outside gratification. Ask yourself, how do you feel about that? Have you been sexually fulfilled? Is that an important factor in a relationship for you? If so, that's something you might want to work through with him.

It sounds like he's making a lot of decisions and putting up a lot of barriers, and this is negatively impacting upon your happiness and level of satisfaction with your relationship. You'll need to decide how much compromise you're willing to make. The steps going forward are crucial. It sounds like you're still only in your mid-thirties; a lot of people are still trying to find somebody to settle down with at that stage.

I'm certainly not in a position to tell you what to do, but if I was confronted with a situation like this, I'd be inclined to cut my losses, be glad of the happy memories and learn from the negatives while running away and not looking back for a moment. I hope you find some solace in what I've said, and I'd urge you to speak to somebody else whom you really trust.

Godspeed.

biketard

Hi Moving on 123,

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

First of all, this is not your fault. Your husband has made a conscious decision to satisfy himself outside of your marriage and it looks like he has absolutely no intention of changing. I can't see any way that you can continue with him.

I can understand that you feel you cannot tell your parents or friends about this, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is completely his fault and just about anyone would understand that.

You ask how you can help yourself. Coming on here and getting it out is a good first step, but you really need to confide in a friend too. Don't wait--speak to one today.

Moving on 123

Thank you for your replies and opinions. I had a rough last night.We spoke a lot today about things. I need time to cool off my mind and start thinking clearly. At the moment I still cant believe this is happening to me...

Taltos

Mod note
Better here OP.

Smidge

I hope you take this in the meaning that its sent OP, but you may have had a lucky escape.
Ok, so it may not feel very lucky to you at this moment in time. But, consider this.....
You have been together a long time, married for 12 years so I assume together longer still.
You dont say but I'll assume you have no children. Was this a decision you made or that he made? He clearly doesn't want children with anyone, lest his wife(and again not sure if children was something you wanted but you seemed shocked by the vasectomy thing, so I thought it may have been in your plans to have a family with your husband at some point).
How would it have been if you had children with him and he was cheating on you?
I can tell you.....its soooo much easier to leave a marriage/ltr when children are NOT involved.
He, sadly, was not committed to you. He was doing his own thing and breaking your heart and betraying your trust in the meantime.
But OP, take heart.
You are still young(yes you are despite what you may think ).
Think of it this way.........
You could stay, but what's the point?
He has set out his stall. He is unfaithful and unapologetic about it.
Never accept seconds

December2012

He has been making a lot of one sided decisions, which suggests to me that he doesn't care about your opinion, and is an incredibly selfish.

mapaca

So, in summary, he wants you to stay at home waiting for him, while he goes out and sleeps with loads of other women. And he has decided he doesn't want children, so it doesn't matter whether you want them or not. He is making all the decisions and your feelings don't matter.

OP, you don't have to put up with this. He is treating you terribly. It sounds like he doesn't love or respect you at all. I'm sorry to say, but if it were me i would pack my bags and go.

I hope you have someone, a kind friend or family member, who you can confide in about all this. You shouldn't have to go through it alone, you have had a big shock. Please look after yourself.

Moving on 123

Thank you all for your thoughts as reading them helps me so much to be strong these days. I wish I wasn't so far away from my family (I m not Irish) and at the moment I have nowhere to go...to get some space.

heretochat

Op I am not sure what you residency situation is (you have identified as non-Irish) or what sort of financial support you have. A break to be with your family is what would be best for you in my opinion if you could afford it.

As another poster said, your OH is living the life he wants to live and all by his rules. Your wellbeing (sleeping with prostitutes etc.) seems to have no place in his thoughts. Neither do your dreams seem to mean anything (looking into a vasectomy without discussing with you)

To be blunt it would appear that your OH has checked himself out of your marriage and sees you as nothing worth considering.

In my mind you should get shot of him first chance you get. I know it is hard not having family support but do you have friends you can talk to?