Marriage counselling - anyone ever do it?

TizTaly2015

So, me and husband started marriage counselling last night for some issues we are having. It was horrific. But I didn't expect it to be afternoon tea at the Merrion either......Anyone ever do it and have any words of advice for me? Because I'm dreading next week already.

MrWalsh

Counselling isnt supposed to be easy though, you are there to deal with difficult issues.

The main thing is that you feel like there is some benefit from it. Personally I have a 6 week time frame for trying things after which if there is no improvement I feel its not worth it.

Ive never done marriage counselling and I hope it works out for you.

IlmoNT4

What was it that was difficult OP? the topic or the emotions?

The first time is hard, its kinda the fact finding session....things may be a little tense, everyone wants to get their point across. Its kinda of a difficult mind set, if people are feeling hurt but therapy isnt so much about whats happened as it is about feelings and expressing those feelings so both people understand. That can be hard.

December2012

Yeah it's unpleasant, but it's ultimately helpful. Give it some time

TizTaly2015

We've attended 3 sessions now and it has been awful. We have left each session distraught and no better off, worse even. I didn't really think the counsellor was listening to us and she was makings some horrible statements and accusations and then saying that she is not judging us....

Anyways, got a phone call today from the centre and they are giving us a new counsellor. I asked why and, surprise surprise, they said that they felt the counsellor had not handled our case well!!!!!!! So, in a sense, I feel vindicated but also very sad that we have lost 3 valuable sessions that would have helped us back on track....

I am going to bring it up next week (I'd say the new counsellor probably will as well) and see if we can get extra sessions because of it. My husband has, what I think, a touch of depression and its very hard to try and support him as I have been diagnosed with mild post natal depression myself - what a joyous time to live in our house!! :-/ I really hope the new counsellor can guide us both to what we need...........

The Princess Bride

Best of luck with it- it would be rare to see any significant result after 3 sessions, regardless of how skilled the counsellor is.
Also, the early sessions are often the most difficult as everything is being thrown out there to be analysed.
It is common to feel vulnerable too, remember that.

Hope you both benefit from this.

Diamond Doll

TizTaly2015 wrote: »

My husband has, what I think, a touch of depression and its very hard to try and support him as I have been diagnosed with mild post natal depression myself - what a joyous time to live in our house!! :-/

I read recently that depression is very common in men after childbirth, but it goes unnoticed/undiagnosed because a lot of the symptoms are attributed to the usual stresses and lack of sleep from having a new baby in the home.

I'm in a similar position to you in that both myself and my partner are suffering from mental health issues (mainly post natal on my part) and seem unable to support each other.

I guess I don't really have any great advice, just letting you know that I really empathise with you. And you should definitely stick with the counselling, painful as it might be.

I know in our case, we left certain things unsaid for far too long. When we had a family therapy session recently, with the counsellor I was seeing independently for my own post natal issues, I was expecting it to be quite boring and bland. I was shocked and upset by the amount of bitterness and vitriol present on both parts, at the accusations that emerged. Some very painful topics were brought up, that I didn't expect. But despite the pain, I realise now they needed to be discussed. The counsellor herself appeared shocked and decided to basically sweep them under the carpet, which wasn't ideal - we did speak about them between ourselves later at home, and have come to some resolution/acceptance. And we're going to look into a course of relationship counselling sessions - I'm apprehensive about it, but avoiding discussing the problems sure as hell hasn't helped us so far.

What I've found myself recently is that counselling - whether individual, as a family or as a group - can leave raw gaping wounds wide open after each session. And it's hard to just walk out and get on with your day/life afterwards. But I do hope to heal those metaphorical wounds, rather than sticking on an equally metaphorical band-aid, as I've been doing to date. I don't know, I'm still a WIP myself so perhaps not in the best position to be giving advice.

I have seen so many couples break up after a new baby comes along. The fact that you're giving the counselling a go and fighting for your relationship speaks volumes. As I often say, if my partner hasn't left me yet, or vice versa, after what we've been through the last while ... well, there may be days (like today!) when we practically despise each other, but we both know deep down we're committed to each other for good. And we'll do what it takes to get better. Sounds like you guys are similar.

Do follow up for more sessions free of charge, on the grounds that the previous counsellor didn't handle your case well. The more you can get, the better! Your family is worth fighting for, whatever it takes.

HardenendMan

Personally I would never go to a counsellor. It's very dramatic and umm American in my opinion. Talking with a stranger like. About deep personal issues. It's strange for me. Horses for courses though.

Ps I fully agree with individuals going to a counsellor to deal with mental health issues.

TizTaly2015

Thank you This little piggy. Your words, in a weird weird way, do offer some solace as it does really feel like I/we are so alone in our journey at the moment. Our counselling was triggered because of something that he did on me. My ability to cope was lessened due to the fact that I was struggling myself - I think he was a bit taken aback at my reaction but it all makes sense now - my breakdown was linked to the fact that I was experiencing PND. And I think his actions were spurned on by him feeling a bit low in himself.....

Anyways, like yourself, its day to day. Today we are talking but barely. Back to counsellor tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.