Anxiety around people?

cookiedough1

Hi,

I just wanted to get some guidance there about some issues I'm experiencing, just to gather some thoughts really...

I'm overtly concerned with the details in everything (perfectionist maybe?) but also very insecure. I've always been on the quieter side, but in the past few years, I've just find it harder and harder to discuss common things with people. Now a simple conversation is a very awkward affair, it's like I'm just not there. I feel like my mind is constantly over analysing and over thinking everything, and I find it really hard to have a natural conversation for those reasons. Being unable to have those basic conversations is making me very insecure, and I just don't know where to go from there! I always set huge expectations for myself which I really can't quite achieve - For instance I will spend ages just thinking about what to do as though I'm only looking for the best in everything. Sometimes in conversations I have I sound like I'm telling people what to do when I don't mean that at all, and all these shortcomings are really making me feel down. I just want to be natural but I feel I can't achieve this. In turn this is making things even more awkward. I'm just wondering where I could go from there?

Rubberchikken

Have you talked to your gp? I know mightn't be what you want to hear but it would honestly be a good place to start.

I hear what you're saying about overthinking things. We're all guilty of that at some stage but with a bit of help you would learn how to relax and let some things happen naturally.

Best of luck

silverfeather

Try throwing yourself into it. Conversation is just practice. No one is judging you.:-)

arthur daly

silverfeather wrote: »

Try throwing yourself into it. Conversation is just practice. No one is judging you.:-)

Exactly,try going to a different shop than usual where they don't know you,make idle chit chat with the shop keeper,talk to anyone about anything,weather,that looks nice,tell me about it,ask question

nozipcode

arthur daly wrote: »

Exactly,try going to a different shop than usual where they don't know you,make idle chit chat with the shop keeper,talk to anyone about anything,weather,that looks nice,tell me about it,ask question

Not sure if going out and seeking un-natural conversation is going to help. People pick up on it and the responses the OP gets might make him/her feel even worse about talking to people. I agree practice is probably what is needed but try and let it be natural. Be aware of how you carry yourself OP, be open and friendly and people will naturally gravitate to you and talk to you. Then start talking to them. Start with pleasantries and/or talk about the weather if you have to. You will soon get back into the swing of it. You just need to re-build your confidence I reckon

LegacyUser

You say that it's gotten worse in the last few years OP. Did something happen or change to make it worse? Also do you live alone by any chance? I've found that living alone seems like it'll make things easier but in the longer term it makes things way worse as you get out of the habit of being around people and making conversation. The more you avoid it the harder it gets. The only thing is to get out there and make yourself be around others. Talk to them about any old rubbish. Most people seem to prefer talking to listening, so if you feel stuck for something to say then just ask an open question and let them answer. Take a few deep breaths and try hard to concentrate on what they're saying rather than on what's going on in your head. You'll find that most times a comment or response of some type will come to you naturally once you pay attention to what's being talked about. Also try and remind yourself that although you are busy overanalysing and judging everything that's said, other people won't be. They'll have a quick chat with you and then move on. Unless it's something important they probably won't even remember everything you say. Finally do you have any friends or family that you could talk with and who could give you honest feedback on how you present yourself? It would need to be someone that you trust and whose opinion you'd believe. It might reduce the over-thinking a bit if you could actually test out your worries against the reality.

cookiedough1

Thanks everyone for the responses so far.

I moved out of my hometown a few years ago, and now hardly ever see anyone in my circle of close friends - which definitely gives me less chance practice maybe. I do keep in touch with one or two over the Internet, but that's it.

I do agree that I need to throw myself out there a bit more, but I feel like this takes a huge amount of effort, just trying to think about something relevant to say or example. I've never been really good at approaching strangers without coming off as awkward (outside of basic social interactions, that is), except when I have a clear intent.

Looking back on my original post, I did a bit of research and am now wondering whether I might not be affected by some low level form of aspergers/autism spectrum disorder. This links back to a lot of things I've noticed in how I just view the world, and would also explain the issues noted above. I should probably get a professional assessment done first, while also working on maximising the amount of times I interact with people to get rid of that fear of performing badly.

blatantrereg

Yeah I'm like that too. Come across as sarcastic when I'm not and like I'm being rude when I'm not. Result is that I tend towards overanalysis of what I say, especially in emails. Also tend to come across like I'm telling people what to do. I probably do have aspergers. A good few people who are very familiar with it, or have it, are certain I do. I discovered I cannot accurately read facial expressions, especially if you can only see the eyes, which apparently is also an indicator of aspergers.

Practicing social interacion definitely helps. Also developing self discipline to focus on being practical, and not worrying too much over unintentional nuances in what you say, once it is clear. Getting outside for a while every day I find important. If you experience sensory overload then you can avoid exposing yourself to that. Above everything else don't get down on yourself about it. Try to meet people halfway, don't try to adapt yourself completely to suit others - it's reasonable to expect them to adapt a bit too. Be very direct and ask people what they mean if they are not literal with you and you don't get something you're supposed to.

Basically I think 90% of my problems in this regard are from stressing out about being socially impaired and about 10% caused directly by the impairment. There are advantages to it too. Personally I wouldn't trade my ability to think logically and in a straightforward manner for an improved natural social understanding, nor would I trade an ability to focus strongly on one task for an improved tolerance of random noise.