Struggling

LegacyUser

Hi

I’m looking for some advice and tips on my current situation.

Currently I am unemployed, living at home, in my twenties. There are four of us in the house, one of whom is elderly and has Alzheimers.

The person who has Alzheimers is extremely difficult at times, regular episodes (tantrums, arguments, physical and verbal abuse, threats etc.). There is also one other person – who doesn’t live in the house but visits regularly that will say and do things to wind up the person with Alzheimers and then there are more episodes which are very hard to deal with.

During tantrums there is sometimes physical violence; punching, spitting, hair pulling, slapping, pushing, things thrown, clawing with nails, kicking, biting.

The person with Alzheimers has always had a viscous and nasty streak all their life, and rarely did anyone outside those who live with her see that, only in the last two years has that side become more obvious and more people have seen it and being at the receiving end of it. Sometimes arguments are caused – and the person knows they are causing the arguments but don’t care – they know they are violent – but don’t care. Regularly there are false accusations thrown around and then the person will give everyone the silent treatment, this can last from days to weeks to months. They sometimes deliberately won’t eat or take their medication.

We are constantly walking on eggshells, watching what we do, say, how we go about things etc. its mentally draining.

There is no family support.

I have depression and anxiety and have on occasion had panic attacks. I have also been on two strong medications (both at the same time) as a result of my own illnesses flaring up as a result of being in this environment.

I constantly feel drained of energy, I feel sick almost every day waiting for the next argument, or tantrum or episode.

Whenever there is an episode I either have to sit in my room all day, not being able to go downstairs, eat, drink etc. I have nowhere else to go.

I am currently on the waiting list for counselling for my own illnesses. I was attending a psychologist but they were changed from community care to primary care and so I am waiting to be reassessed to see a different counsellor/psych however my assessment isn’t for a couple of months, and after that, there is a waiting list of around a year, that doesn’t include emergency cases that are seen to ASAP and obviously with emergencies the list gets longer.

I am struggling to cope. I don’t know what to do. I have spent most of today in tears over it.

Any advice is appreciated.

SF12

Do you have any support at all with the person who has Alzheimers? Could you contact one of their societies to see if they could give you any advice or help? It's not going to solve the problem, but it might help you out. I don't know much about the symptoms of it I'm afraid, so I can't give you any pointers there, but it could help you on how to manage your reactions, and how to manage the person too, if that's possible. www.alzheimer.ie would be a good place to start.

As regards yourself - are you studying or job hunting or anything? You need to be your priority here OP. I know you've been to an assessment but maybe you need to have somebody to contact when things are bad. You could go back to your GP and explain the situation, tell them you need urgent help. You'd be surprised what your GP might suggest. Otherwise I'd suggest that you ring Samaritans or someone similar. www.mentalhealthireland.ie has a list of groups you could contact, even just to unburden yourself on somebody non-judgemental, who will listen to you.

If you could start with those 2 things, maybe then you could work out the next steps for the longer term, like getting a job or moving out or something. For right now though, i think you do need to talk to someone.

nikkibikki

Have you tried Turn2Me for counselling in the meantime? I'd recommend a little exercise, just a 10 min walk every day. It'll get you fresh air, some head space and hopefully help you feel a little better. Have you spoken to your parents about the effect this environment is having on you? Can some respite be sorted for your ill relative to give you all a break? While this person is ill through no fault of their own, they are not the most important person in the world and others needs have to be considered too, by that I mean your needs OP. You are important too.

Rubberchikken

a gp or public health nurse should be able to see what support is available.


for your own sake, try to get out of the room/house daily. get some exercise, fresh air even for a short while.

is there anyone who could speak to this person who riles up the person with Alzheimers? it's hard to watch someone with Alzheimers and it can make certain traits more noticable as time goes on, but there is respite care available in communities and this can be explored with a gp.

take care

Neyite

Altzheimers is rougher on the surrounding family usually than the person who has it. You and the family are bearing the brunt and its a tough tough process, doubly more so when the person who has it was difficult enough to begin with.

The altzheimers charities are a lifeline for respite care, support, equipment. Local old folks homes can sometimes take the person for daytime hours on a regular basis, and the public health nurse might be able to organise a relief carer. Can you ban the sh!t stirrer from the home? If they are deliberately stirring things up out of malice so that a violent scene ensues, that is dangerous for both the patient and the carers, but speaking to professionals about the issue might help.

I've seen where family members just love to tell the carers how to do their job, then swan off to their uncomplicated lives again. Quickest way of getting rid of their opinions is to tell them that they can now care for the person every Saturday* from now on, and that you are sure they will do an excellent job of it, considering they know so much about the job.

Can you take a break and get away for a few days? I think that once away from the situation usually our own woes become more manageable, so if you can, even if its for a weekend, you might find it gives you a bit of breathing space.

LegacyUser

Hi

Thank you all for your replies, they are greatly appreciated.

There is no support at all with caring for my ill relative. No family, professional or outside support or help whatsoever. Unfortunately as my relative does not live alone there are no supports unless they were alone for a number of hours in the day which is not the case.

I am job hunting yes, I also do get out of the house each day, which is a help, however as soon as I get home the anxiety kicks in, we are walking on eggshells, waiting for the next episode. As soon as I get a job, I will be moving out. Getting a job and moving out is a priority for me, and has been for a while.

I have spoken to my own GP on many occasions, and they have been fantastic, offered great support and advice. Unfortunately as I am not not suicidal, or self harming or anything there is no urgent help available.

I have spoken to my family about the effects of it, however, only those who live in the house really see the effect it has, those who don't live here, pretty much just wash their hands of the issue because they don't see it live with it, its easier for them to ignore it.

Regarding respite care, that can only happen if my relative would voluntarily go in, however that will not happen at all, they have always been difficult, and becoming even more difficult now. There is also issues (with the sh!t stirrer) over inheritance and so as a result of that, my relative is even more determined not to leave the house for fear of it being taken away. Now, obviously that won't and can't happen, however they don't see it like that because of their condition they are convinced they are being pushed out of their own home.

As for banning the troublemaker, that is unfortunately not an option, they are immediate family of my ill relative, and they don't always call in, they ring sometimes and will say things to wind up my ill relative.

It can be over serious and minor things. The troublemaker is using my relatives illness in their own favour, saying and doing things to cause issues, and to try and turn my ill relative against others, and as a result there are regular issues, tantrums, fights, etc.

Sometimes my ill relative will refuse to eat dinner or whatever meal it is, but they will eat something else at a later time usually, however the troublemaker makes out that our ill relative is being neglected, starved, abused etc. My ill relative also sometimes refuses to take their medication, and again, its made out that they aren't given their medication, not that they've refused it, just that its deliberately not being given to them.

A number of times we have arranged that the troublemaker, being so concerned as they made out they were, to come in and care for my ill relative, they did it for a week here and there and since the last time, they are so busy that when they do call in now, its only for a short, rushed visit as they have a lot on.

They have told myself and others how to care for my ill relative, what we should do, how it should be done etc. yet, they themselves won't do it and if you tried to tell or advise them on how to do it, they would tell you where to go, and where to stick your nose.

A lot of the issues with the troublemaker are over jealousy and inheritance. They see anything my ill relative has theirs (theirs = the troublemakers), and they are trying to turn my ill relative against others so that they will be left anything my ill relative has. It all boils down that, and jealousy that others might get what the troublemakers views as "theirs".

The troublemaker has been spoken to several times, however they don't care as they deny a lot of it, say they were misinterpreted. picked up wrong etc.

There is only one charity locally, that is the Alzheimers Society of Ireland, however, they only run one activity day a week, and that is a beauty and activity day, my ill relative won't go to that, they won't leave the house at all barely, they have no social skills, no social interaction, and they have been like this all their life. They never went out socially, or interacted with anyone outside really, only those who come to visit.

A break away unfortunately isn't an option, due to being unemployed money is tight and unfortunately a break away wouldn't be possible for a number of months as I would need to save for it.

Neyite

Struggling wrote: »

Hi

There is no support at all with caring for my ill relative. No family, professional or outside support or help whatsoever. Unfortunately as my relative does not live alone there are no supports unless they were alone for a number of hours in the day which is not the case.

Maybe things have changed dramatically in the last few years but I know of a carer who had one day a week where the patient went into the local home for 6 hours, then a few mornings a week a respite carer came to stay while they got errands done. Also altzheimers association gave a week or two a year residental respite care. It was a few years ago so maybe the recession has put paid to all that though.

Have you asked on the Carers forum? There is anon posting there too. If you like, I'd be happy to move your thread there to get replies from people that are going through exactly what you are - though you can stay here if you like.

Sharks circling when there is a potential inheritance is draining - I don't think there is an easy answer there. Often I've seen people like these being given their share early to get them to F.O and they still come back for a second slice of the inheritance after the person passes.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

Respite care is an option but my ill relative has to want to go in, unfortunately without their consent they cannot be admitted or forced into care if it they don't want to.

A carer or nurse calling to the house daily isn't an option as my relative doesn't live alone so unfortunately there is no outside help available, if my relative was alone for most of the day there would be some help available, what help and how much of it I am not sure about though.

My relatives GP as advised, more than once, that a week or two in respite would be great for my relative, and also for those who care for her, unfortunately as I said above, they cannot be forced into care without giving their own consent.

SF12

Hi OP,
My suggestion regarding the Alzheimer's society was more aimed at you or other family members talking to them for advice on the situation. MAybe not around carers, but around handling the behaviour of the person with Alzheimer's and advice as to what you should be doing next or is there anything that you should be planning for now that might help.

I presume all these people realise that as the Alzheimer's gets worse, your relative will not remember half of the things that have been said or done between themselves and the troublemaker (as you say). Has your ill relative made a will? Because that's what will decide the inheritance; they will probably be in no condition to make a decision in the coming years. (I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but that's where it's going.). Also they will probably need full time care, which family members should probably start considering now......

Anyway, you cannot solve the problem with your relative. You need to think about you. Keep getting out of the house as much as possible, and maybe bear in mind some of those helplines if things get really bad. Is there anyone at all that you might be able to move in with for a while - maybe you could think a bit about that?? A friend, another family, a neighbour - anyone?

Don't be afraid to ask for help - it's desperately stressful being unemployed, without having that whole family situation to deal with as well. Good luck job hunting.

LegacyUser

SF12 wrote: »

Hi OP,
My suggestion regarding the Alzheimer's society was more aimed at you or other family members talking to them for advice on the situation. MAybe not around carers, but around handling the behaviour of the person with Alzheimer's and advice as to what you should be doing next or is there anything that you should be planning for now that might help.

I presume all these people realise that as the Alzheimer's gets worse, your relative will not remember half of the things that have been said or done between themselves and the troublemaker (as you say). Has your ill relative made a will? Because that's what will decide the inheritance; they will probably be in no condition to make a decision in the coming years. (I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but that's where it's going.). Also they will probably need full time care, which family members should probably start considering now......

Anyway, you cannot solve the problem with your relative. You need to think about you. Keep getting out of the house as much as possible, and maybe bear in mind some of those helplines if things get really bad. Is there anyone at all that you might be able to move in with for a while - maybe you could think a bit about that?? A friend, another family, a neighbour - anyone?

Don't be afraid to ask for help - it's desperately stressful being unemployed, without having that whole family situation to deal with as well. Good luck job hunting.

Hi,

I misunderstood the part of your post about contacting Alzheimers Society, I thought you meant contacting them about care for my ill relative, apologies for that. I'm kind of all over the place at the moment.

As it is now, my ill relative still has decent memory for remembering things, even though their memory is obviously getting worse, they tend to cling onto things they do remember and focus on those things, and the troublemaker then uses those things to create more trouble, and issues etc.

If my ill relative misplaces things (and its a regular thing unfortunately) the troublemaker then plays on that and will say "maybe x has it/has seen it/took it" or whatever, my ill relative then gets it into their head that X took whatever it is, and lashes out, usually verbally, but sometimes physically too. They are then convinced that X has taken whatever it is that has been misplaced and if they find whatever it was that was misplaced, then it is because X put it back, put it somewhere for them to find.

I am not sure about a will to be honest, my relative is not in any frame of mind now to make such a thing anyway and their GP has said this. As for future care - everyone is trying to wash their hands of it, bar those who care for her, by care, I mean those who look after them, do things for them, live with them etc.

There is going to come a time where my relative will need full-time professional care, there is no doubt about that, but getting everyone together to make that decision is going to be extremely difficult especially when it comes to the one person who does not want any of my ill relatives money/assets touched as it will then lessen their inheritance. They don't understand that anything my relative has, is there, to pay and provide anything they need in their old age, and any care etc they may require, as far as the troublemaker is concerned anything my ill relative has, is inheritance for one person, and one person only, and feck everyone else.

I unfortunately don't have anyone at all that I can move in with, only if I get a job, can I then move out, either into a house share or with friends, I don't have any other options unfortunately.

Thank you for your reply.