Fight with girlfriend need advice

pudzey101

hi all , sorry if this is in the wrong section . long story short i called my gf of 6 months some hurtful names friday night stupidly because i was mad/angry over something .

iv realized my mistake and tryed explaining that i didnt mean to say those things and I woudnt of said them if i could go back .

im texting her at the minute trying to fix/sort things and she just keeps saying she has nothing to say to me or nothing to talk about..

where do i go from here can anyone help me my head is absolutely all over the place and any help would be appreciated

thanks

jamesbondings

pudzey101 wrote: »

hi all , sorry if this is in the wrong section . long story short i called my gf of 6 months some hurtful names friday night stupidly because i was mad/angry over something .

iv realized my mistake and tryed explaining that i didnt mean to say those things and I woudnt of said them if i could go back .

im texting her at the minute trying to fix/sort things and she just keeps saying she has nothing to say to me or nothing to talk about..

where do i go from here can anyone help me my head is absolutely all over the place and any help would be appreciated

thanks

All you can do is apologise profusely. ...depending on what you said it probably can be came back from.... just tell her you were drunk/stressed/tired or whqtever the reason was. That you were wrong to direct those emotions towards her and it wont happen again. As it is still 'early days' in the relationship she may just decide its over....if she sees a future with you then your apologies should work. Dont bombard her though it will omly smother her and that wont help anyone.
If you would like to give more context some people may have done or said the same as you in the past. For what is is worth I drunkely broke up with my girlfriend (of 4 years) a few months ago...I had no recolection of it. And when we talked it oit she forgave me. Communication is key. Talk to her tell her why you said what you did. She may vut her losses so be prepared for that but she may not.
Hope this.helps ata ll

pudzey101

thanks so much !

If I was with someone for only six months and they started calling me hurtful names because they were angry, then I would just walk away.

Mars Bar

Mod

I've moved this thread to Relationship Issues as it's a more suitable forum.

Please be aware that Relationship Issues charter now applies.

Mars Bar

retro:electro

I guess it all depends on what you called her and how deep your words cut. Any particular reason why you acted in such a way? She is telling you she has nothing to say to you so respect what she wants, leave her be and if she wants to talk to you she knows where you are.

Neyite

One thing I've realised long ago is that long after you have forgotten what the fight was about, or even forgotten the fight itself, you'll always remember if you were called a horrible name. It tends to stay with you.

I know you are sorry OP, but the ball is in her court now, and it sounds like she saw a side to you that made her evaluate her relationship. Would you consider looking into anger management?

Stavro Mueller

Also OP if she decides to talk to you, don't text. Talk to her. Texts are an awful medium when you're trying to deal with a complex issue such as this.

jamesbondings

Neyite wrote: »

One thing I've realised long ago is that long after you have forgotten what the fight was about, or even forgotten the fight itself, you'll always remember if you were called a horrible name. It tends to stay with you.

I know you are sorry OP, but the ball is in her court now, and it sounds like she saw a side to you that made her evaluate her relationship. Would you consider looking into anger management?

Ah now thats a bit OTT we dont know what he called her but lets be honest even if he called her a c you next Tuesday anger management isn't necessary quite yet......a name is just that a name

Tigger99

If he gets so angry that he can't control what he says to his girlfriend, then yes he should consider anger management.

Neyite

jamesbondings wrote: »

Ah now thats a bit OTT we dont know what he called her but lets be honest even if he called her a c you next Tuesday anger management isn't necessary quite yet......a name is just that a name

It cost him his relationship, so it must have been pretty bad.

pudzey101

i will admit i have jealousy and anger problems alright no point in lying the words used where whor (missing an e at the end there) stuff like that , and she is far from that i still dont know why i said or done it its been eating at me for days :O

Stavro Mueller

To be honest, I reckon most women would walk if they were called a whore. What an awful thing to say to the woman you supposedly care about?
Seeing as you have jealousy and anger problems, you should take this as the wake-up call it is. Go get help if you think you need it and learn from your mistakes.

Tigger99

Well if someone called me a whore 6 months into our relationship (well at all tbh) I'd run away so fast that you wouldn't know what had hit you. You have to consider the likelihood that she may never want anything to do with you again.

pudzey101

ya thanks for the comments guys , have taken them all in , said shel speak to me over the phone now tonight at somestage when she hits bed so its all or nothing from there

Stavro Mueller

At least she's agreeing to speak to you which is more than some women would do. For your own sake though, promise to get professional help and do the best you can to sort it. Even if she forgives you and your foul tongue, your temper and jealousy are still a problem.

MileyReilly

She's not going anywhere. If she wanted noting to do with you she wouldn't be even txting you back. Stop txting her for half an hour and she come to you!!

MileyReilly

She's not going anywhere. If she wanted noting to do with you she wouldn't be even txting you back. Stop txting her for half an hour and she come to you!!

silverfeather

pudzey101 wrote: »

im texting her at the minute trying to fix/sort things and she just keeps saying she has nothing to say to me or nothing to talk about..

If she has nothing to say ...what can she say? And what she is indirectly saying is that she doesn't want to listen to you.

Stop trying to get her to do what you want. You did something horrible. I would move on and work on yourself. Quite frankly you have much more serious issues than this relationship. You need to fix them and you need to make yourself a better person for the NEXT girl.

Leave her alone. You can't control her and you should be respecting her wishes.

Most women would run a mile.

giggle84

If I was her I'd walk.

If she forgives you I hope you take the comments here on board, there is no excuse for calling your gf names like that. It's despicable to be honest.

Penny Tration

Regardless of whether or not she takes you back (I wouldn't, if someone called me a whore), you admit you have jealousy and anger issues.

Have you done anything about this? Have you sought help?

If your issues are leading to you calling someone you supposedly care about a whore, and you're not seeking treatment for them, then you should leave the poor girl alone until you've sought help and learned to control your temper.

ComfortKid

Jesus. She sounds overly sensitive? And if she can't realise that you said something you regret in the heat of the moment, and she cannot forgive you then she sounds a bit childish.

pookie82

ComfortKid wrote: »

Jesus. She sounds overly sensitive? And if she can't realise that you said something you regret in the heat of the moment, and she cannot forgive you then she sounds a bit childish.

So you're overly sensitive now if you're called a "whore" by your boyfriend and take issue with it?

Surely that's the one person in the world you should trust NOT to call you something so vile. I'd take massive issue with it. It's a disgusting thing to call anyone, let alone your gf, and has no place in a stable relationship. We all say things in the heat of the moment but to choose such a vile word with connotations of sexual promiscuity would have me questioning what he really thinks of me.

skallywag

Neyite wrote: »

It cost him his relationship, so it must have been pretty bad.

Very early days to be making such a brash statement.

She's giving him the cold shoulder at the moment, and rightly so. Perhaps she will ultimately decide that she wants to move on, and fair enough if she does, hard to argue against that. But claiming that his relationship is finished already is quite hysterical in my opinion.

There's nothing hysterical about it. It's a horrible unacceptable thing to say, he has admitted he needs issues, and now he needs to work on them.
I would not be surprised if he does not hear from her again after this phone call. I would have nothing to say either

skallywag

bluewolf wrote: »

There's nothing hysterical about it. It's a horrible unacceptable thing to say

Agreed, it is indeed a terrible thing to say, and I would also fully understand if this girl does indeed decide to walk away.

That said, the OP came on here looking for advice and deserves more than people telling him categorically that 'it cost him his relationship'.

How do any of us know that it has cost him his relationship? How can one say that with any form of certainty based on what we have seen? Making such a statement is out of line with the spirit of this particular forum in my opinion, where one should not jump to such conclusions when someone comes on genuinely looking for help. Yes, it could very easily end up being the case, but I don't agree in putting the cart before the horse with such brash statements at his stage in the debate.

Neyite

skallywag wrote: »

Agreed, it is indeed a terrible thing to say, and I would also fully understand if this girl does indeed decide to walk away.

That said, the OP came on here looking for advice and deserves more than people telling him categorically that 'it cost him his relationship'.

How do any of us know that it has cost him his relationship? How can one say that with any form of certainty based on what we have seen? Making such a statement is out of line with the spirit of this particular forum in my opinion, where one should not jump to such conclusions when someone comes on genuinely looking for help.

He did get advice. I advised him to look into anger management, which he agreed he needs. And it was shot down by most of the male posters here, and all the women who are trying to tell him that what he did is pretty much a dealbreaker are getting dismissed as hysterical. Maybe the OP should take on board how seriously a woman might take being called that name, because going back to the girlfriend and telling her that she is over sensitive and should calm down etc is NOT going to win her over.

Fact is, the girlfriend may or may not come back. But she's been telling him she's not interested since Friday. Its now Wednesday. Pretty long time.

But it doesnt matter whether I think the relationship is ended or whether you think it isn't. It actually doesn't even matter whether the OP thinks it or not. It only matters if the OP's girlfriend thinks it or not.

So, instead of making digs at people who are actually trying to give the OP advice here, why not give some advice to the OP yourself for a change? Because that is the spirit, and indeed in the charter, of the forum.

skallywag

Neyite, I'm genuinely surprised at you.

I find your advice on this forum nearly always spot on, and hence was taken back when you came out with such a sweeping comment stating so categorically and with such certainly that this has 'cost him his relationship'. My argument is merely with the certainty that you place on this, and with nothing else. I'm certainly not in the habit of taking swipes at posters just for the sake of it, I would like to think that I have a very honest and open posting style, and tend to call things exactly as I see them.

My own advice OP : What you have done cannot be excused, but that said you do seem to be genuinely contrite and are pulling no punches about your own weaknesses. If you are lucky enough for this lady to decide to put this behind you then take the lesson learned, with the knowledge that any future episode will surely be the end of the road. All the best.

kylith

skallywag wrote: »

Neyite, I'm genuinely surprised at you.

I find your advice on this forum nearly always spot on, and hence was taken back when you came out with such a sweeping comment stating so categorically and with such certainly that this has 'cost him his relationship'. My argument is merely with the certainty that you place on this, and with nothing else. I'm certainly not in the habit of taking swipes at posters just for the sake of it, I would like to think that I have a very honest and open posting style, and tend to call things exactly as I see them.

This woman has been telling him since Friday that she has nothing to say to him; it's pretty obvious that this has cost him his relationship. All the OP can do now is work on making sure that he doesn't do this again because, if it were me, regardless of how long the relationship was if my BF started yelling and calling me a whore I would be walking away and telling him he could stick his apology where the sun don't shine. Some things you can't come back from. I'd prefer to be called a cnt than a whore, tbh.

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

How do any of us know that it has cost him his relationship?

I'll tell you how we know, we know 'cos the OP said this.

pudzey101 wrote: »

she just keeps saying she has nothing to say to me or nothing to talk about..

That is a finished relationship. Maybe she'll change her mind, but for now the relationship is over.

Neyite

Neyite wrote: »

He did get advice. I advised him to look into anger management, which he agreed he needs. And it was shot down by most of the male posters here, and all the women who are trying to tell him that what he did is pretty much a dealbreaker are getting dismissed as hysterical. Maybe the OP should take on board how seriously a woman might take being called that name, because going back to the girlfriend and telling her that she is over sensitive and should calm down etc is NOT going to win her over.

While I get what you're saying, that is very much a sweeping generality.

OP - I personally think you should just let this relationship go and spend some time by yourself, working on your own issues, such as your jealousy and your anger issues. You've already lost one relationship because of them - have there been others? Have these issues gotten you in trouble before?

strobe

Guessed wrote: »

I'll tell you how we know, we know 'cos the OP said this.



That is a finished relationship. Maybe she'll change her mind, but for now the relationship is over.

Nah, not a bit of it. If she'd said she had nothing to say and then his messages went unanswered afterwards you could say the relationship is over. That didn't happened. She's continued to respond to his messages and is agreeing to chat on the phone.

She's just trying to hammer home how unacceptable it is OP and make you sweat a bit. You'll be able to smooth it over. Apologise again, promise her it won't happen again, and turn on the charm a bit. Be grand.

retro:electro

I know every couple fights and some will resort to name calling but there are some names that are just unforgivable. People get mad yes, that's understandable, but he didn't just call her a b*tch or a as*hole, he used a word that would have me question if this is what he really thinks of me. That word doesn't just roll off the tongue without thinking like your average insult does.

If she does forgive you op, remember that for a woman to be called that name is beyond insulting, it's degrading, and you shouldn't expect her to forget that you described her in that way any time soon.

Gongoozler

strobe wrote: »

Nah, not a bit of it. If she'd said she had nothing to say and then his messages went unanswered afterwards you could say the relationship is over. That didn't happened. She's continued to respond to his messages and is agreeing to chat on the phone.

She's just trying to hammer home how unacceptable it is OP and make you sweat a bit. You'll be able to smooth it over. Apologise again, promise her it won't happen again, and turn on the charm a bit. Be grand.

Or maybe she's very upset but is giving him a chance because she loves him?

And "be grand?" "turn on the charm"? What ridiculous things to say. You don't seem to have any understanding of what an unacceptable thing that is to say to someone you supposedly care about.

You seem to think she's playing a game. is it not possible that she's hurt?

strobe

Gongoozler wrote: »

Or maybe she's very upset but is giving him a chance because she loves him?

And "be grand?" "turn on the charm"? What ridiculous things to say. You don't seem to have any understanding of what an unacceptable thing that is to say to someone you supposedly care about.

You seem to think she's playing a game. is it not possible that she's hurt?

I'm sure she's very very hurt. What woman wouldn't be? Well some wouldn't give a crap, but I think it's fair to say most would. Hence why she's making sure to let him know it's so so unacceptable by making him realise it's a deal breaker situation.

All I'm saying is I think based on the fact that she's continuing contact and even agreeing to escalate it, is that it's not a lost cause, the relationship isn't over, and he can smooth things out.

LegacyUser

Going anon for this one but I've been in similar shoes to the OP's girlfriend. About 6 months into a relationship with a guy who knew that I was insecure and lonely, he started asking questions about my past and didn't like the answers, even though my past isn't even all that colourful. He admitted however that he was jealous and possessive and he acknowledged that how he felt was wrong. I was taken aback but at the same time I was crazy about him so I didn't walk away when I knew deep down I should have. Nothing much more came of it at that particular time however a few months passed and then an argument broke out and he proceeded to bring up my past and call me a whore, slut, equates me to a prostitute in his eyes etc. I was appalled, I fought back, argued my corner and eventually he softened, apologised, cried, said he was ashamed of how he treated me, told me he was going to counselling and so I let it go (in fact I ended up apologising for myself and feeling sorry for him :rolleyes:) . Until the next time. And the next time. And the next time until it was almost daily, each onslaught more vicious and cutting than the one before. Coming up with more and more creative ways to inflict maximum pain and punishment on me. Using my insecurities, things I'd confided to him in trust against me. I fought less and less. I wanted to walk away. I was desperately unhappy but I still couldn't extricate myself from the situation because I had become dependent on the attention from him. It was as if it was better than no attention. He was in my ear on the phone/texting every waking hour. It was eating him up too. We were tangled up in a horrific, co-dependent mess. Neither of us had any business being in a relationship.

I know I'm talking in extremes here. I'm not necessarily suggesting you are as troubled as this guy. I know I let this happen to myself.

However, I wish I did the pair of us a favour the minute he first showed his colours and stood firm. I could never understand how or why women got themselves into these types of relationships until I found myself in the thick of one.

When you haven't got a single second to think for yourself without a constant stream begging and pleading texts/phone calls, it's damn hard to get some perspective. Do the decent thing here and give the girl some space. Use that space to reflect on yourself and your behaviour and focus on getting to the root of your problems.

Best of luck.

Gongoozler

strobe wrote: »

I'm sure she's very very hurt. What woman wouldn't be? Well some wouldn't give a crap, but I think it's fair to say most would. Hence why she's making sure to let him know it's so so unacceptable by making him realise it's a deal breaker situation.

All I'm saying is I think based on the fact that she's continuing contact and even agreeing to escalate it, is that it's not a lost cause, the relationship isn't over, and he can smooth things out.

It didn't seem that that's what you were saying. Your post came across very flippant, that you think it's not something that she should be upset about, that he should be able to smooth it over. It just says, she'll get over it, just give her what she wants to hear and she'll be fine. Quite patronising or something, not sure I can find the right word, or way to explain it.

Fair enough if you didn't mean it like that, but that's the way it came across.

strobe

Gongoozler wrote: »

It didn't seem that that's what you were saying. Your post came across very flippant, that you think it's not something that she should be upset about, that he should be able to smooth it over. It just says, she'll get over it, just give her what she wants to hear and she'll be fine. Quite patronising or something, not sure I can find the right word, or way to explain it.

Fair enough if you didn't mean it like that, but that's the way it came across.

It was phrased in the way it was as a counterbalance to previous posts. It's what I felt was the best way to present advice given the way previous advice was presented. There's method to my madness.

Anyway, best of luck OP, hope you can work things out. Trust me, it's not blown, if you do things right, it's an entirely salvageable situation, and she clearly wants it to be salvaged, so half the work is done.

You know yourself you were bang out of order. You just have to convince her you know that, that that's not how you really feel, and therefore it wont happen again. Be grand.