Ending a LTR - Child involved

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm going unreg for this one , I haven't posted in here before.

I'm in a LTR with my girlfriend of 10 years and we have a 2 year old child together and live together. The relationship has been bad for a while now , really bad. We no longer share anything in common or have any real interest in what the other person in doing.

I dread coming home in the evenings now because the minute I get in the door I'm being abused or given out to about something , the only good thing about coming home is seeing my son who I love more than anything in the world , he is what keeps me going. I don't feel like my girlfriend appreciates me , loves me or sometimes even likes me anymore , she constantly puts me down , makes fun of what I do for a living (Demeans it) and tells me that I have a personality problem , drink problem etc (I drink maybe twice a week , on the weekend and sometimes once or not at all).

I want to end the relationship , I don't hate her I want her to find happiness as well but it's obvious now that it isn't with me , she talks of marriage and more children but it's like she's just playing out life rather than looking to live it, I can't marry her and continue like this and I need to make that decision now but I don't know how to go about doing it.

My mother and family have all said it to me , that she speaks to me like a dog and they can see my personality and happiness being drained from me every passing week , some of my family won't even come to the house anymore when she is there , my female friends the same. When we are in the house together we barely talk to each other or she always has people over to avoid it , I try not to argue around my son so a lot of the time I allow her to get away with being abusive , people who see it also find it funny the way she goes on at me as if it's just the way she is or we are but I don't find it funny in the slightest and I don't want me son growing up seeing me being spoken to or treated like that either I want him to see a man...not a mouse which is unfortunatelty what i seem to be becoming , she uses him against me in threats. She has said before if I tried to break up with her or leave that she would make sure I never see him again and if I brought her to court she would tell them I'm an alcholic and use drugs and they would believe her because she's the mother.

My son is my concern her , I couldn't bear not to be involved in his life. I have a very good job , work full time , I own my own house but even now I sometimes feel like a single father. I work 40-50 hours a week , when I come home from work I pick him up from crech , go home , make the dinner , clean the house , get him ready for bed and out him up. My GF claims I do none of this and she has to do everything but it's just not true in reality , she seems to be seeing all of this differantly. She has at points even asked me to pay her money weekly for (being a mother) , I already pay the mortgage , all the bills , all his expences , mind him every weekend/some evenings while she works and all she is meant to do is get the shopping which more often than not I buy anyway because she spends all her money and cannot budget. But nothing I do is good enough for her she always wants more or demeans it.

I'm concerned that when we break up she will have nowhere to go and live, I'm concerned for my son about where they will go and how she will handle his care without me being around, especially if she follows through with her threats regarding my access to him. Dublin is very difficult to rent anywhere right now and I don't want him living in bad conditions or areas, I won't have it.

I'm sorry for the rant but I don't know where to go from here I literally feel stuck.

howamidifferent

You need legal advise. No armchair lawyer can help you. Since you've been together so long and have a child together, your house may no longer be your house only. She may be entitled to some part or value of it , worse case you could find yourself renting to keep your child and its mother from being homeless if the law decides to do so is in the best interests of all...Make an appointment.

LegacyUser

You need to get on to a solicitor as soon as possible. You seem to be two people sharing a house and a kid and not much else. Both of you are miserable and if she is abusing you and slagging you off in front of your son thats not really a good thing either. Whats she teaching him that its ok to slag and belittle people all the time. There is no point in staying in the relationship for the sake of your son, that is not going to make things better. If anything the situation will get more and more toxic.
I'm not sure how long you have been living together, I think if you have been living together for a certain number of years she would be entitled to a share of the house but best best to contact a solicitor about this.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

I had no idea about the cohabitation law and am now very concerned, no doubt she will try take me to the cleaners any chance she gets.

I have booked myself in to see a solicitor next week.

njs030

thinkingtimebomb wrote: »

Thanks.

I had no idea about the cohabitation law and am now very concerned, no doubt she will try take me to the cleaners any chance she gets.

I have booked myself in to see a solicitor next week.

I have a feeling it's after 5 years co-habiting or 2 (possibly 3) if you have a child together.

Also as you aren't married you have little to no rights over your child so it might be an idea to sort out full parental rights first.

LegacyUser

Yes it's two years with a child so it qualifies. I only read up on it this morning , I understand it to an extent but find it unbelieveable that I can be considered financially viable while at the same time have no rights to my child. I am going to sort that first by applying for guardianship rights.

Very concering having marriage rights/maintenance forced on me it's probably a very big reason a lot of people decide not to get married and here it is now being enforced after a set perioid of time.

nikkibikki

Do as advised here OP and there is an unmarried parents group www.treoir.ie

Good luck OP and get out of this relationship as soon as you get this sorted, it's not healthy for your son to be witnessing the way she is treating you.

On a side note, would she have mental health issues to cause her to behave so badly?

Lux23

thinkingtimebomb wrote: »

Yes it's two years with a child so it qualifies. I only read up on it this morning , I understand it to an extent but find it unbelieveable that I can be considered financially viable while at the same time have no rights to my child. I am going to sort that first by applying for guardianship rights.

Very concering having marriage rights/maintenance forced on me it's probably a very big reason a lot of people decide not to get married and here it is now being enforced after a set perioid of time.

Well, I would see it that your child will have a home, you can't let your feelings about his mother get in the way of that.

MrWalsh

thinkingtimebomb wrote: »

Yes it's two years with a child so it qualifies. I only read up on it this morning , I understand it to an extent but find it unbelieveable that I can be considered financially viable while at the same time have no rights to my child. I am going to sort that first by applying for guardianship rights.

Very concering having marriage rights/maintenance forced on me it's probably a very big reason a lot of people decide not to get married and here it is now being enforced after a set perioid of time.

You formed a household and had a child with this person so if you didn't want cohabitation rights forced on you then....well too late now but yes, there's a good chance she has a legal interest in the house that she can prove in court. Speak to a solicitor, pronto.

It seems bizarre to me that you are claiming such a tight bond with your child yet you haven't got guardianship sorted so sort it, immediately.

You say you son is 2? Could your partner be suffering post natal depression or was she always disrespectful to you? If she could control her behaviour would you reconsider, ie, would counselling be worth a shot?

LegacyUser

Op have you done much to try and reignite the relationship? Your son is only 2. This is the hardest part of a relationship. Have you told her exactly what you have written here? That you are on the brink of leaving and dont know how to? If you have tried everything, I mean everything to make her understand what this is doing to you and she still treats you like this, then yes it's time to walk.
It sounds like the boredom, frustration, anger, and resentment has built up and proper communication is non existent. She can't have always been like this if you've stayed with her 10 years? She is probably resentful and thinks you're not making every effort to keep the relationship alive and have just checked out when the going has got tough. She's going about showing this the wrong way but I'd bet that's where it's coming from. She wants a stable home for your child, and can probably sense you are distancing yourself from any commitment and this is making her angry, hurt etc and acts the way she is because of it. I'm not making excuses for her treatment of you, just perhaps explaining why she is doing it. I walked away from a LTR because of a similar atmosphere and general unhappiness. But I do regret not going to counselling, I had tried a lot of avenues to fix things but an outside perspective and different viewpoint and good communication skills just might have helped more than I knew.

silverfeather

I think if counseling is a no go you need to take some legal advise at this stage. Have your father's rights established it's much harder unless you are married so go about that. Take care of looking after yourself at this time. If you have talked about your problems to your partner i don't know what you can do.

Carlos Orange

MrWalsh wrote: »

It seems bizarre to me that you are claiming such a tight bond with your child yet you haven't got guardianship sorted so sort it, immediately.

I think guardianship requires the consent of the mother or a court case so I'm not surprised somebody in an abusive relationship doesn't have it.

MrWalsh

psinno wrote: »

I think guardianship requires the consent of the mother or a court case so I'm not surprised somebody in an abusive relationship doesn't have it.

I dont want to go off topic speculating on the OPs relationship but it strikes me as odd that an unmarried man with his own house and job would choose to have a child with a woman who he is in an abusive relationship with - of course the child could have been an accident or the relationship may not have been so bad then, but without more detail from the OP it is impossible to say.

However, one would think that if the OPs partner was behaving as badly when the child was born as she is now that he would have chased up guardianship back then to future proof the situation.

nikkibikki

MrWalsh wrote:

However, one would think that if the OPs partner was behaving as badly when the child was born as she is now that he would have chased up guardianship back then to future proof the situation.

Reality isn't really as simple as that though. It's not black and white. The only situation when guardianship would be required really is in the event of a break up and the OP is only starting this road now. Give him a break! My son was 3 and a half when his Dad and I married. If he had started guardianship procedures I doubt we'd be together now, screams of lack of trust and insecurity in the relationship in my book. We'd have been on 2 totally different pages in regards to our relationship.

How is your partner with the child OP?

MrWalsh

nikkibikki wrote: »

Reality isn't really as simple as that though. It's not black and white. The only situation when guardianship would be required really is in the event of a break up and the OP is only starting this road now. Give him a break! My son was 3 and a half when his Dad and I married. If he had started guardianship procedures I doubt we'd be together now, screams of lack of trust and insecurity in the relationship in my book. We'd have been on 2 totally different pages in regards to our relationship.

How is your partner with the child OP?

Thats a strange take on it IMO. I would have thought looking for guardianship would be seen as the responsible thing for an unmarried man to do (given the lack of unmarried fathers rights in this country) - as in, in the event of your death that he automatically would have guardianship of his child. I never would have viewed it as making any statement about the relationship of the parents. Its about the fathers legal right to the child.

meeeeh

Because everyone sorts out everything immediately. I have no idea how bad OP situation is but questioning won't make it any better. If a woman came here saying that she is in abusive relationship would she be asked why she didn't save running away money or something similar.

OP, I think your relationship is dead. Appointment with solicitor is the best way to proceed. Whatever the financial arrangements are, your gf does contribute so thinking that she is not entitled to anything because you pay the mortgage is not fair. People are always worse off after separation, so there will be significant financial repercussions. However no money or house is worth the misery.

Carlos Orange

MrWalsh wrote: »

Thats a strange take on it IMO. I would have thought looking for guardianship would be seen as the responsible thing for an unmarried man to do (given the lack of unmarried fathers rights in this country) - as in, in the event of your death that he automatically would have guardianship of his child. I never would have viewed it as making any statement about the relationship of the parents. Its about the fathers legal right to the child.

I think wanting guardianship is about the relationship between the father and the child but taking the mother to court to get it against her will clearly does say something about the relationship between the parents.

ShaShaBear

My partner of three years didn't even know that he had to apply for guardianship of our daughter - he thought his name on the birth certificate afforded him that right!
Many men, and women, in a good relationship, don't think of these kinds of things. Luckily we are getting married next year so the rights will be his regardless, but I did suggest he should apply for guardianship as my mother can be a tad controlling and I'd like Dad to have a say if anything ever happened to me.

I'd be of the opinion that PND isn't at play here. Due to my mother's history with it, my PHN literally shadowed me for the first three months, constantly calling to my house unannounced to the point where I was nearly depressed from desperately trying to keep my house spotless for fear she thought I was doing a bad job as a mother. Every public appointment with her there was a discussion about my health, mentally and physically and I find it hard to believe that a PHN or GP (one of which she has to have seen regularly since she had her son) would not notice the mental suffering of someone who would threaten to have her partner's life and good name tarnished with accusations of alcoholism and drug abuse. Someone who makes threats like that is not the sort of woman I would sit down with and tell I was considering leaving.

MrWalsh

psinno wrote: »

I think wanting guardianship is about the relationship between the father and the child but taking the mother to court to get it against her will clearly does say something about the relationship between the parents.

Which is why itd make all the more sense to go for it asap after birth - ie, futureproofing against potential relationship breakdown. It makes sense if you are unmarried.

Of course people often dont think about doing these things when times are fine but the fathers rights issue has been highlighted in the media and on the internet etc for a long time now so its surprising to me that unmarried men dont try to get it sorted quickly these days.

ShaShaBear

MrWalsh wrote: »

Which is why itd make all the more sense to go for it asap after birth - ie, futureproofing against potential relationship breakdown. It makes sense if you are unmarried.

Of course people often dont think about doing these things when times are fine but the fathers rights issue has been highlighted in the media and on the internet etc for a long time now so its surprising to me that unmarried men dont try to get it sorted quickly these days.

I agree. I wouldn't have found it at all offensive if my OH had asked to apply for guardianship. However, I come from a "broken home" as one would call it, and am very practical about the potential dwindling of romance, however much I love my partner. I would want OH to be afforded all the rights that I naturally have because he makes a great dad and I want my babies to have the best of both worlds.

Unfortunately, a lot of other mothers do not see it that way and there are more than a few unmarried fathers who would be more than glad to do without that "right" if things went sour!

Sleepy

You're in every father's nightmare situation OP: you currently have no legal right of access to your child or even for that matter to be recognised as his father. You now have a legal duty to support his mother's lifestyle for the rest of your natural life due to the fact that you've done so until now.

Get yourself a solicitor and begin the process of applying for guardianship. While paying maintenance for your son is your legal and moral obligation (and tbh, it sounds like you have no issue doing so), there are perfectly legal steps you can take to reduce the level of any payouts you may be forced to make to your abusive ex. If you've been planning any large purchases (e.g. changing the car, taking your son on a summer holiday etc.), now may be a good time to do it before you have to submit a statement of means for the judge to determine the level of palimony you'll be paying.

Smidge

Sleepy wrote: »

You're in every father's nightmare situation OP: you currently have no legal right of access to your child or even for that matter to be recognised as his father. You now have a legal duty to support his mother's lifestyle for the rest of your natural life due to the fact that you've done so until now.

Get yourself a solicitor and begin the process of applying for guardianship. While paying maintenance for your son is your legal and moral obligation (and tbh, it sounds like you have no issue doing so), there are perfectly legal steps you can take to reduce the level of any payouts you may be forced to make to your abusive ex. If you've been planning any large purchases (e.g. changing the car, taking your son on a summer holiday etc.), now may be a good time to do it before you have to submit a statement of means for the judge to determine the level of palimony you'll be paying.

I'm sorry, but what???
Supporting his mothers lifestyle....what do you mean by that?
OP gives no indication as to the mothers "lifestyle" yet you make assumptions? Great way to start off a "post relationship-relationship" with the other parent of your child. Start off that acrimonious and things will go well all right :rolleyes:
AFAIK support is measured by the judge when access and maintenance is ruled upon. From your post, you seem to be condoning, nay encouraging him to find legal means of finding ways to pay less support for the child's upkeep than would be deemed necessary to provide HIS child with the best he can give him as a non custodial parent.

Your focus seems to be on annoying the living daylights out of the childs mother (from my experience, not uncommon sadly)at the detriment of the child.
OP.....do NOT go down this route.
Do NOT turn this into a "her vs me" thing. Its not. Think about your child and do whats best for them. Dont let bitterness get in the way of that

Carlos Orange

Smidge wrote: »

Great way to start off a "post relationship-relationship" with the other parent of your child. Start off that acrimonious and things will go well all right :rolleyes:

Things are already acrimonious since the OP is being blackmailed into saying in the relationship by threats of having no access to his child.

Smidge

psinno wrote: »

Things are already acrimonious since the OP is being blackmailed into saying in the relationship by threats of having no access to his child.

Well then, lets say more acrimonious than before.
Look, my point is this......
I read the post that I quoted and its filled with "find ways to dodge paying support to the MOTHER for HER lifestyle". Support is not payed for the mother as some seem to misconstrue(given that it is paid to her) It is paid for YOUR childs upkeep and in a lot of the cases that I'm aware of, the amount isn't scratching the surface of the child's weekly needs This is FAR too common.

Some fathers seem to be of the opinion they are funding the mothers lifestyle.
Now, unless you are incredibly (think Beverly Hills rich) this isn't happening here in Ireland. Support is incredibly lenient here for the non-custodial parent and more than fair for the non custodial parent.

So to sum up.
To go into a burgeoning separation situation with the mindset
of "She isnt getting a penny of my money" which the post I quoted was dripping with and is so not the situation in the courts, gives the OP a wrong foot to start out from. You are not giving money to the mother, you are giving it for your child. YOUR child.
Any non custodial parent(man or woman) who wants to use paying maintenance as a tool to hurt the other is a fool imo. They only end up making things worse and end up hurting the child.

nikkibikki

MrWalsh wrote:

Thats a strange take on it IMO. I would have thought looking for guardianship would be seen as the responsible thing for an unmarried man to do (given the lack of unmarried fathers rights in this country) - as in, in the event of your death that he automatically would have guardianship of his child. I never would have viewed it as making any statement about the relationship of the parents. Its about the fathers legal right to the child.

Never thought of it that way to be honest. Very good point.

Tasden

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I'd be of the opinion that PND isn't at play here. Due to my mother's history with it, my PHN literally shadowed me for the first three months, constantly calling to my house unannounced to the point where I was nearly depressed from desperately trying to keep my house spotless for fear she thought I was doing a bad job as a mother. Every public appointment with her there was a discussion about my health, mentally and physically and I find it hard to believe that a PHN or GP (one of which she has to have seen regularly since she had her son) would not notice the mental suffering of someone who would threaten to have her partner's life and good name tarnished with accusations of alcoholism and drug abuse. Someone who makes threats like that is not the sort of woman I would sit down with and tell I was considering leaving.

I'm not sure if I'm missing the point you're making here, but is it that a GP or PHN would have noticed her PND if it is something she is suffering from?

LegacyUser

I should probably weigh back in here , I've been away since last week.

On the guardionship - I haven't applied for it yet for two reasons. Firstly , if I had asked for it from my other half I am sure she either would have refused it to keep control or accused me of not trusting the relationship and I knew I would eventually have to seek it from the courts. She is not a person who often thinks logically about these thing's ie - what happens if something happened to her etc , she would have want me to marry her to gain those rights and if I had of taken her to court (While in the relationship) that would have been a disaster. But yes of course it's very important to me and I am pursueing that route now via a solicitor.

On the maintenance - I have absolutely no issue supporting my son and will pay whatever the court deems it for his upkeep, I would also not see either of them go homeless there are other options available and I would stay in the relationship unhappy for the rest of my life before I'd see that happen. However our situation is a little more complicated than that. I bought the house by myself , when I was young, very early twenties. I built it from the ground up and have always paid for everything in it. One day I will leave it to my son , but it is my house and I cannot afford to move out of it and rent in Dublin while continuing to pay it's mortgage and bills as well.

On the Co-Habitation laws - I had no idea these existed until last week so was very taken back by it. I don't fuly understand them or how they relate to my situation so I have booked a consultation with a solicitor this week to explain everything and see what my options are. I am not trying to screw my child or other half. I am looking for a reasonable way out and route to happiness for all 3 of us so that nobody is going to suffer anymore than we will have to during the process. I don't plan on having a massive fall out but that decision won't come down to me , I'm very level headed the majority of the time my partner is not.

On the relationship - I'd be willing to try conselling but I don' think it will help. I think the damage has been done from both sides and our hearts have changed, you can't force love. You can repair damage , you can learn to maybe live with each other but not to be in love again. We pretty much admitted to each other last night that 'we have grown to hate each other' she'd blame it on me , or other factors...I simply think it's a bit of everything over the years but when it comes down to it we've both grown into two completely differant people , who act differantly , think differantly , see life differantly and share very little in common so when we've forced ourselves to stay together all that anger and resentment has come out.

Slutmonkey57b

You're in an abusive relationship so this is very important:

Document everything, *as much as you can*. A written record with dates, times, threats made, etc. Get friends or family to do the same when they witness it.

She's threatening to tell a court you're a drug abusing alcoholic, get some tests done to prove you're not (ideally the day after the threat).

Remember when you go to court the court will always side with the mother where there's no evidence to the contrary.

Most important of all don't tell her you're doing this. If you don't have to use it, all well and good. But if she stand up in court and lies about you, having a dossier will be a saviour for you.

stickybookmark

My OH has been in the same boat with his ex-gf. You don't need a solicitor for guardianship just apply to family court, get a hearing date, produce birth cert and you'll be granted it. Do that pronto as without it she can leave the country with the kid but once you're made guardian she can't. If she takes you to court for maintenance (sorry to be blunt but that's 'when' not if) immediately counter-summons her for access. Ye can have the guardianship, maintenance and access all dealt with in the one court date actually, no solicitors required and doesn't cost anything. The norm for access is every 2nd weekend plus every 2nd Wed night. Wishing u strength in the tough weeks, months & yrs ahead. Make sure you don't give her any excuse to get a barring or restraint order out against you now, that's a classic one that alot of women use to deny the father's access. Keep a cool head and don't get involved in any public order offences or anything like that - not saying you would but just keep a squeaky clean record

Sleepy

Smidge wrote: »

I'm sorry, but what???
Supporting his mothers lifestyle....what do you mean by that?
OP gives no indication as to the mothers "lifestyle" yet you make assumptions? Great way to start off a "post relationship-relationship" with the other parent of your child. Start off that acrimonious and things will go well all right :rolleyes:

I wasn't talking about child maintenance (in fact I stated that it was the OP's legal and moral responsibility, which he has stated he has no problem with).

The sad reality is that because he's lived with his ex and supported her for years, the Civil Partnership Act says that he has a responsibility to keep doing so until she marries someone else or dies. It's a grossly unfair law and could, quite easily, cost the OP his home.

meeeeh

Women, who often support their husbands with unpaid work at home, sacrifice their career and often sanity for no recognition, would be placed in very vulnerable position without that act. I'm not saying that is happening in op's case, I have a lot of sympathy for his situation, but tabloid generalizations about money grabbing bi*ches won't help anybody and is completely unfair.

MrWalsh

Sleepy wrote: »

I wasn't talking about child maintenance (in fact I stated that it was the OP's legal and moral responsibility, which he has stated he has no problem with).

The sad reality is that because he's lived with his ex and supported her for years, the Civil Partnership Act says that he has a responsibility to keep doing so until she marries someone else or dies. It's a grossly unfair law and could, quite easily, cost the OP his home.

Just to expand there Sleepy its the "Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010"

Sleepy

meeeeh wrote: »

Women, who often support their husbands with unpaid work at home, sacrifice their career and often sanity for no recognition, would be placed in very vulnerable position without that act. I'm not saying that is happening in op's case, I have a lot of sympathy for his situation, but tabloid generalizations about money grabbing bi*ches won't help anybody and is completely unfair.

Well, my advice to the OP was to see a solicitor and be prudent with cashflow was simply about the reality that, like many others, he has had obligations (which he may never have intended to take on or may even have been unaware of) foisted upon him by that act. Nothing wrong with suggesting he do what he can to play within the rules of the law to minimise such obligations.

I find it amusing you portray such advice as "tabloid generalizations about money grabbing bi*ches" whilst using the similar generalisation of stay-at-home mothers "sacrificing their career and sanity" to "support" their husbands career...

meeeeh

Sleepy wrote: »

I find it amusing you portray such advice as "tabloid generalizations about money grabbing bi*ches" whilst using the similar generalisation of stay-at-home mothers "sacrificing their career and sanity" to "support" their husbands career...

I am not saying it is true in every case but that those protections are there for a reason (and sometimes they also benefit men.). But for every Paul McCartney divorce you have numerous exes who are not even paying maintenance for the kids.

Again I am not saying that about OP at all but there is no need to psyche him up even before he meets solicitor.

Slutmonkey57b

meeeeh wrote: »

I am not saying it is true in every case but that those protections are there for a reason (and sometimes they also benefit men.). But for every Paul McCartney divorce you have numerous exes who are not even paying maintenance for the kids.

Again I am not saying that about OP at all but there is no need to psyche him up even before he meets solicitor.

The OP in this case, based on what's described, needs to be very aware of "worst case scenarios" because his partner's behaviour could cost him his house, child, future and sanity. What if he's not prepared, and she does lie in court about supposed drunken rages or drug abuse?

His partner spends all day abusing and threatening him, not supporting him.