Grief and anger

LegacyUser

My brother died through unexpected circumstances (not through suicide) when I was ten. I found him. I'm approaching thirty and am still getting over it. I can be short with friends, and over the years have found their problems to be fairly trivial and dramatic just for the sake of drama. In the meantime, some friends are of the age where they have experienced real loss and I know exactly what they're going through and feel so bad for them. At the same time, I'm angry this is something I had to learn about and struggle through alone when I was ten and in the years following (also due to to other deaths in my family).

I'm also going through a break up with a friend who is competitive to put it mildly. She loves drama, and I get the impression sometimes that she doesn't like the fact I had more to deal with than her (i.e. she'll always bring up something bad that happened to her if I talk about something which happened to me, which is rare. I never learned to talk about it when I was small, and I'm not much different now.) Which only adds to my anger about the whole thing. It angers me that something so traumatic for me is used as a level for her to beat in this imaginary competition! Which really shows that the girl has no clue what real pain is like! Only an idiot would try to win at experiencing grief.

I'm probably reading too much into my friend's actions, but seriously, the drama is getting to me. I find it hard to deal with. This is a bit of a rant for me, it feels true for me, and it's something I have observed over a very long period of time. I suppose my reason for posting is I would like to know is there anything I can do to let all this anger go?

CaraMay

You need to go to a counsellor op. I've had a lot if bereavement in my life and some very tragic and very close.

I had to stop myself thinking like you about others who you deem not to have problems as they haven't suffered as much as you. It's only hurting yourself.

My turning point was when my best friend lost her first child and I remember complaining about something trivial and then apologising. I said that I was sorry because what I was whinging about was so trivial compared to what she had been through. She said it was important as it was important to me. I had been experiencing a kind of 'hardship snobbery' in which I decided whether or not other people's problems were important. I realised, based on what my friend said, that people still feed hardship at the level they are at. Maybe they haven't had as much as you but it's hard for them.

Your friend sounds like a muppet but only you can know if you are being over sensitive or not.

Go for counselling op and try to let some of this anger go. You are only cutting off your own nose.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your feedback CaraMay. Counselling has entered my mind, I've never had it in my life. A very close friend gave me the same advice. I've been numb for years, and it's just in the last five to six years have I started to come out of that numb state. I do understand that everyone has problems that are important to them, and in the last five/six years have learned to listen and respond to friends when they talk about them instead of silently getting angry, or silently wondering why they were so upset. I have also thawed to the extent that I've realised other worries/fears in my own life (not connected to my childhood) deserve attention and care. Looking back, it feels like I was in my own ice age!

I have come on in leaps and bounds due to my very close friend, and I am eternally grateful for their help. Realistically, I can't dump this on my friend the whole time, a friend can only do so much, they have their own life to be getting on with!

I do feel my relationship with this other friend I mentioned in my first post is causing a few things to be dragged up. I have made up my mind to move on from this friend, and hopefully I can do it gracefully, wishing her the best in her own life.

I will contact a counsellor as soon as I can. I don't feel 100% about it just yet, but it's definitely on the cards. Thanks again Cara May.

silverfeather

Pain should never be a competition. Some people think that someone else's pain negates theirs. That's not true. Someone else's hardships do not negate yours or your experience. Deal with the feelings.


I am very sorry to hear about your brother it's a very young age to be confronted with that type of loss.

Which really shows that the girl has no clue what real pain is like!

Don't diminutize another's pain. It's just like her trying to win with you.

You are both in pain. Don't undermine each other.

I think you need some professional help.

You are angry because this pain is unfair. It IS unfair. I know life is unfair but you are FEELING it right now. Letting go might be easier with some professional help.

These are normal feelings to have you know.

Take care xx

professore

I understand what the OP is talking about, I had an unexpected loss too and I always found listening to people playing one upmanship games tiring, but in a case like this it's just disgusting. I blame the whole "because I'm worth it" consumer society we live in,

I would advise counseling OP, it helped me a lot.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice