Wife's terrible communication skills

LegacyUser

Hi all, I would like to get some opinion's as to how I can improve my communication situation with my girlfriend.

First things first, I am Irish and 35 years old. My girlfriend,<SNIP> is 33 years old and Polish. When we met first, she was teaching English to Polish people here in Dublin and I was quite impressed with her level of English. We had a baby boy together just over a year ago. Starting when she got pregnant, her communication skills and sometimes her English skills seem to deteriorate badly. For the last few months, I would say that this is by far the biggest problem in our relationship.

I work in a multicultural environment, surrounded by various nationalities all day long. There are only a handful of Irish and English people in my department, everyone else is foreign so I know how to speak to non-native speakers, i.e. not speaking as fast as I normally would, avoid using very local slang, being patient, etc.

Some examples of how my wife currently communicates:

1. She rarely uses the words yes or no. It's like she's on a quiz show where they have to have a conversation without saying yes or no. No matter what question I ask her, simply or complicated, she will almost never say yes or no in response. Last week we had a plumber call to the house to fix a pipe when I was in work. <SNIP> let him in and he explained what the problem was to her. She then explained to me in the evening. I was trying to understand what the solution was, and I said something like "right so, the water will flow down from up there, but instead of coming through that pipe, it's leaking through into the wall and that's causing the damp over there, and because we can't see it, that's why we didn't spot it until now, is that right?" She then repeated word for word everything I said, instead of saying "yes exactly".

2. She communicates via hmms, ahs and blinks.
This is something that really frustrates me. If my wife is eating or drinking, sometimes even if not, she will respond to a question with an hmmmm sound, or a blink. She tries to infer a negative response from a short blink and an affirmative response from a more prolonged blink or something like that. I told her it's ridiculous, and just take her time and respond to me when she's ready. I also can't understand whether a hmmmmmm sound is yes or no.

3. She doesn't listen to what I say.
She often just catches the noun in the sentence and doesn't listen to what I say/ask. For example, I'll say "how about we get a Chinese takeaway tonight?" and she'll say ok. Then I'll say "what time will we get it" and she'll reply, "I just said yes!"

I'll ask what time she's going to the doctor tomorrow. She'll reply, "yeah I'm going to the doctor tomorrow". Then if I say what time, she'll tell me I'm asking too many questions or that my questions are "stupid". I'm asking because I want to know if I should make alternative arrangements for work, collecting the child from creche, etc.

A lot of the time, I say something simple and slowly, like "do you want a cup of tea" and about 1/4 of the time she'll say "what?". Then I hear her talking to our other Irish friends and she comes out with things like "the etimological development of their relationship could be described as neo-liberal, although many classical scholars would dispute this fervently."

4. She doesn't respond to me sometimes.
If I ask a question and my wife needs to think about the answer, instead of saying "ehhhh" or putting her finger to her mouth and putting her head up, she just continues with whatever she's doing, e.g. watching television, reading, etc without changing her body language or giving any verbal response. Then I'll say "did you hear me?" and she'll snap back "yes I'm thinking!" I have no way of knowing if she's thinking or ignoring me/didn't hear.

5. She agonises over the correct words and phrases.
I appreciate that she wants to use the best words for the situaton, but sometimes it's better to be understood 90% than risk 100% and not being understood at all. Because she wants to find the exact word or phrase, it takes her ages. When thinking, she makes all kinds of sounds. She could say something like "ok <SNIP>, I would like to hmmmmmmmmmmmmm nnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeehh UHHHHHHHHHHHH consider which options we have for a summer break, not break, UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH holiday this year." Sometimes it takes ages for a sentence to come out.

6. She uses non-English words when speaking English.
I have very little Polish, I can say hello, please, thank you, etc. We communicate via English. Every now and again she'll come out with a word I've never heard. A little while ago, she said to me:
"how would you like some tanuko for dinner?"
"Some what?" I replied
"Tanuko"
"I have no idea what that is"
"It's a type of Japanese sushi"
"Ok, please just say that then"

She'll do the same thing for other exotic foods and stuff, words that are simply not used in English.

6. She goes off on ridiculous tangents.
She starts off talking about 1 thing and often ends up a million miles away.

7. I have to tease information out of her.
Often she won't give me answer. Last year we were trying to buy an apartment but the price ended up too expensive for us. We were still interested anyway in knowing exactly what the final price was, both out of curiousity and for future reference. Her friend was working at the estate agents so was going to let us know what the price was once it sold. We were talking for weeks before we knew the final price, and we were guessing and debating as to what the number would be. I said I thought it would be around 200 thousand and she disagreed, all innocent stuff. Anyway, it was due to be finalised one day so when I came home from work, I said to her
"Well, what was the final price in the end, was it 200?"
"No, it wasn't 200"
"Ok then"
......
......
"So what WAS the final price then?"
"Oh it was 225" she says to me.

I know this seems a bit like a situation where I should not have started a relationship with someone whose language is not the same as mine, but her English and communication skills were genuinely so much better before we moved in together. To be honest, I would never have got involved in a relationship with someone if I knew communication was going to be this difficult. I also understand that cultural differences play a role but I think this goes beyond that.

Of course, we've had conversations and I've explained how difficult this is for me and how she needs to make changes to the way she communicates, but it doesn't seem to change anything. I don't think English lessons for her will make much of a difference because it's more the way she communicates, rather than the arsenal of words she has at her disposal. Has anyone been in the same situation? I would appreciate some tips.

Thanks,
<SNIP>

dudara

This doesn't appear to be a language thing to me, more conflicting styles. Neither do I see any real issues, but if this detailed nitpicking continues, it could become a very real issue.

Playing devil's advocate here for a moment, why should she be the one to change? Is there something that has changed on your side or could be improved on your side?

coolcat63

Has she had a hearing test?

Mongfinder General

Bottom line here is that she's not really paying attention to you. The lack of straight yes/no Answers is worrying. It doesn't seem like you are a priority. No way to live, ****ing unbearable

shamrock55

Just reading this the first impression i get is that you dont seem to have anything in common and she seems bored with you, is she your girlfriend or wife?

R.D. aka MR.D

Can you imagine how tiring it must be to have to constantly speak in a language other than your native language?

You say that you don't know much Polish which is fair enough because you live in Ireland but imagine if the roles were reversed. You are in Poland and constantly have to speak Polish except with a few of your Irish friends or on the phone to your parents or whatever.

I think you need to cut her some slack. I think your example of using the proper word instead of 'Japanese sushi' or whatever is a really common thing people do, even native speakers.

I would suggest that you try to work together with a professional, maybe. It seems like maybe there is more at play here than just her language skills. Is she bored in the relationship? Is she bored in life? You don't mention if she still works. Is it possible that she feels this way but doesn't want to say anything for the sake of the child?

IlmoNT4

Just reading that made me kinda frustrated with you. Do you always nit pick like this? Or is this something that you just do with your wife or do you feel like this toward other events and people in your life? Isnt it great that your wife is discovering new words for cool new foods ? I think thats cool.... Does she work or is she at home all day?

Its obvious that your wife does have the skill set to communicate in English, however you both have different styles of communication. You are assuming that her style will be very similar to that of Irish people, which is to tell everyone everything all the time, offering up as much information as you can. And perhaps in your assumptions you figured that once language acquisition had been completed it would be happy days. Her culture, or background may not be the same.
You mentioned this started around the time she was pregnant. What was she like before that? What was your relationship like around the time that things changed? How did she feel about the pregnancy and with the relationship and also how did you feel...Did anything happen during that time? Does she see her family often? Is she close to her family....it must have been hard for her to discover she was expecting a baby and to be miles away from home. How much support does she have her, friends, your family etc. Does she talk to you about her feelings? Do you share your feelings with her?
If everything was A-ok before the pregnancy then something has happened to either you or her (or both) that has changed the relationship. I think these are the questions you need to ask, rather than focus in on the current situation.

Honestly I think there is something bigger going on than a language issue and I would suggest that you bring a professional into this because the marriage will not last if you are feeling this way and I would imagine she's just as unhappy.

no.panic neva.panic

It looks to me that the problem is not your wife's (or girlfriend's?) terrible communication skills, but your relationship. It's clear that you don't enjoy each other, or the way you approach this would be very different.

1. It's surprising, and a bit amusing when someone gives you long answers like this. I've done this in the past, to which my OH said, with a smile: "you just repeated exactly what I said" to which I responded: "oh? ah yeah, ha ha", and we had a bit of a giggle together. If you truly liked and enjoyed your wife, this would be a non-issue.

2. This is a culture difference. When you date (marry?) someone from a different culture, you need to prepare yourself to learn about their non-verbal communication. These blinks and hmmms are meaningful in her culture, all you need to do is to tell her that you are unfamiliar with what these things mean, and ask her to translate them to you in each particular situation. I've been in a good few relationships with people from different cultures, and I find this fascinating and exciting. You find it irritating. Or do you just find your girlfriend irritating?

3. Here is the first evidence of her being irritated with you - it works both ways it seems.

4. Again, some people are like that. You ask them a question and they need a while to think about an answer before they respond. All you can do is accept it as part of their communication style. You could tell her that you'd enjoy communicating with her more if she'd quickly acknowledged you with "let me think about this for a sec" or something like that. If she cares about your comfort, she will learn to do this. Communication is a two way street, have you asked her how she would feel about making a little adjustment here?

5. You have no patience for her, and the sounds she makes irritate you. This says more about the quality of your relationship than the quality of her communication - I have some friends with terrible English, and it's no bother to me to wait until they find the right word to express what they want to say. I know someone who takes out a dictionary every few minutes, to find the precise word he is looking for, even though I already know the meaning of what he is trying to say - it doesn't bother me one bit. However, if I didn't like him, I'd find all this waiting as irritating as you find your wife, no doubt.

6. Why didn't you respond: "Tanuko? Sounds exotic, what is it?" To which she would say: "it's a type of Japanese sushi", to which you could say "awesome, I love sushi!" - perfectly normal, pleasant conversation. Instead you made it into an issue, why? You don't seem open to learning, you want the words and communication style to be familiar to you at all times or you get irritated - is this some type of insecurity on your part? Or are we back to you not enjoying your wife and in consequence being irritated by anything she might say.

6b. Sounds very Irish to me.

7. All this says to me is that you have a very unpleasant dynamic, in which you are both equal participants.

You wrongly assume that it is her responsibility to change. No, you are in a relationship with someone from a different culture and you need to either make some allowances for that (to many people this is the exciting part of dating someone from a different culture), or decide that you are unwilling to do so, and only date/marry within your own culture. Bottom line though, in my view, is that you just don't enjoy each other. If you did, none of the above would even register as an issue. Why be with someone you don't even like?

Icaras

I agree with above. From your post you are being very conflicting with her, one the one hand giving out when she doesn't use the correct word and the giving out when she takes time to find the correct word.
You have to find a happy compromise I. E. Something like you both teach each other a new word every day, take the pressure off a little and make it ok to make mistakes when communicating.

strandroad

Of course she got "worse" when you moved in together, some things are bound to go past her and now you're there all the time to witness it. And how would she know which Japanese words you happen to recognise? You sound very demanding to be honest, why don't you want to learn some Polish to communicate with her and your child? It's surely draining for her to speak English all the time and you expect her to be perfect.

Tigger99

God what you describe sounds like the actions of a bully. Has it ever occurred to you that being under a microscope like that could be making her anxious and more prone to making mistakes?

retro:electro

Maybe she is more relaxed and her speech is more free flowing with her friends because they don't nit pick and critique every word that comes out of her mouth. Honestly some of your examples are pathetic op, and things that should be long since forgotten. Why don't you learn some Polish if you're so eager to have similar communication styles?

Arya_72

This has made me giggle....the joys of a relationship.. you both sound bored and maybe at a stage in your relationship where you need to do fun things again.. I think your frustrated but Your nit-picking or maybe just letting of some steam...Did she understand you in the beginning..is she trying to tell you something??Is she proving a point?? Are you listening??

Idle Passerby

To echo what a few others have said, this just sounds more like two people who get on each others nerves. It sounds like she doesn't listen to you because she's not interested in talking to you in the first place. The fact that this apparently started when she got pregnant makes me wonder if going from a casual to a serious relationship is something she did reluctantly?

This is silly but do realise Tanuko is a Japanese and not a Polish word? It would annoy me if someone got pissed off because I know the word of something they don't.

FurBabyMomma

"Starting when she got pregnant, her communication skills and sometimes her English skills seem to deteriorate badly. For the last few months, I would say that this is by far the biggest problem in our relationship.“

Op has it occured to you that your girlfriend could very well be suffering from post natal depression? Could you please ask her to go talk to her GP to get to the bottom of the sudden change in behaviou? She really sounds like she needs to speak to a health care professional regardless.

IlmoNT4

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

"Before you listen to people branding her some sort of psycho could you please ask her to go talk to her GP? Jesus, people here are so quick to judge this girl without asking why the sudden change in behaviour. She really sounds like she needs to speak to a health care professional regardless.

I dont know what you are talking about, there hasnt been a single post from anyone saying his wife is a psycho, the exact opposite. Every post has been in support of the couple and working through their issues..

FurBabyMomma

loulou2009 wrote: »

I dont know what you are talking about, there hasnt been a single post from anyone saying his wife is a psycho, the exact opposite. Every post has been in support of the couple and working through their issues..

Actually I may have worded that too strongly, for some reason when I scrolled through the replies there was a lot of negativity jumping out at me but reading back I'm seeing I took a couple of the comments up wrong. Will edit my comment accordingly.

Maybe you should learn polish op.

When she does say something to you that you don't recognise, you freak out and make a big deal of it. Oh *I* don't know that word for sushi so you're not allowed use it. Really? I'd be reverting to hmmms and haws if I was getting nitpicked for every word I said too.

I am also surprised you haven't bothered learning any polish yourself. She's your wife. You have a kid. The kid is gonna learn polish...

It sounds like you're having difficulties on both sides being tired of each other.
I don't know how to advise you how to deal with it, but nitpicking and blaming her for everything is not the answer. Try and look at your own role in this also and maybe bring it up instead of insisting it's all her fault and SHE needs english lessons ...!

Full Marx

I think people are jumping on the OP too quickly, its obvious that this is something which has been building for a while. It's not like he sat down today and noted every little thing she did, it has just finally come to a head.

And like many annoying habits others have you tend to fixate on them. The OP has given examples which is fair enough.

OP it is normal enough to find someone annoying when you move in together and the relationship moves past the honeymoon stage, the stuff you overlooked comes to the surface. I dont think its a language issue OP, some people are just a bit annoying and inefficient in how they communicate. I would explode if simple questions like "do you want a cup of tea" become an ordeal.

I'm afraid I'm not much help OP because I don't know how this issue can be fixed. I don't think I could put up with that OP but with a child it's more difficult. Its hard to solve because she is not actually doing anything wrong, I don't think it's deliberate rather you just find her annoying, and thats not your fault either.

ZXL

Go and learn Polish like a pro. That's the solution. It's as simple as that. If she's not learning English, you go and learn Polish.

You can do it. You can learn Polish! Start right now. Here, copy these words...

Learn Polish

... and paste them into YouTube. And start now. Right now.

If I was you, I would learn the following sentence in Polish...

"Baby, you know I love you - and I wanna be able to communicate with you properly like a husband and wife should be able to do; so I've decided I'm going to learn your language. It's part of you and what makes you you - so I want to show you my love by learning your language.

But here's the thing babe - I want you to do the same for me. It will be a joint effort and it will be hard - but it will be worth it; and Jesus Christ! I speak English, and you speak Polish! It's not like we can't help each other out!!. So whatdeya say babe? Wanna be able to effectively communicate our thoughts, opinions, feelings and other important sh*t with each other? It's not like were not married or anything?!?".

silverfeather

Have you thought of learning polish? Really you should learn some of her language.

ViveLaVie

Having learnt a second language myself to quite a high level of proficiency I can assure you OP that when I speak my second language alone for a long period of time my brain gets tired. More than tired, exhausted! All I wanna do is lapse right back into English with people who understand the language not only mechanically but also culturally.

Your wife is probably drained from using English ALL THE TIME. It is not her first language. It is an EFFORT for her to speak it and constant mental gymnastics! On the back of that you are then criticising her if she makes any mistakes! If it were me I would lose all my confidence in the second language if my partner who should love and support me was nitpicking all my mistakes and I too would revert to hmms and blinks!

Have you considered also that language is inextricably tied to culture, nationality and identity and your wife who is living in a different country to her own without her family support and raising a child apart from all the same reference points she had as a child might feel lost and disconnected from her own identity?

I know I am different when I speak French than English. I make different kinds of jokes, even think in a different way. It makes me different. Your wife might feel more herself if you began to connect with her on a more intimate level and learned Polish. I know if it were me I would have to learn my partner's language to feel more engaged with and involved in his culture.

Language is an incredibly important link to identity and culture and by not speaking her language you're actually missing out on part of hers. You might find if you start to learn Polish all these communication issues start to fade away.

Just my two cents!

lollsangel

God op why haven't you learned to speak polish. Your child is half polish and will speak it fluently. Your in-laws are polish and probably have poor English, how do you communicate? You're so against learning a new language god forbid she uses the wrong word. I can speak more polish than you and that's from casual acquaintances.

My partner is Filipino I actively encourage our kids to speak it and also his local dialect. I can speak enough to communicate with his family, I'm far from fluent though. The difference is I try.

I think you're being very unfair IMO. Embrace her language and culture. We may speak mostly English at home but I understand if he uses certain phrases from Filipino or speak incorrectly. He taught TEFL for many years too it happens some time they use lazy English.

inforfun

OP, do you also complain when they dont speak proper English to you when you are on holidays or are you making sure you are fluent in any language you may have to speak?

I have been in relationships where English was the language spoken. No matter how good you might be at it at 1 point, when things get emotional it is so much harder to express yourself properly in another language than your own.

Emme

There's an app called busuu which you can use on your phone or computer. Download it asap and start learning Polish. There are no excuses for not learning your wife's language.

Dial Hard

So is she your wife or your girlfriend?

I don't really know what's going on in your relationship but it sounds like a far bigger issue than just a language barrier.

iusedtoknow

OP

for one thing...see it from your gf's side. Even though she speaks english, it is not her native tongue. I lived in Spain for years, and spoke Catalan then Spanish 85%-90% of the time...to my gf, friends, in-laws, the butcher, the shops, the fishmongers. It was exhausting. If I was tired from work, despite being fluent - i could forget my numbers when asked in a shop for change etc. It was ridiculous, but understandable. Whenever I had the chance to speak english to another native, my gf (now wife) couldn't understand me despite being completely fluent. She still can't sometimes when I get into full flow with my brothers or sisters.
Cut her a little slack.

I work with a lot of Polish people, and have travelled there many times for work. I am not one to stereotype entire nationalities - but there is a tendency to be abrupt and short - not rude. It is cultural. They obviously speak english to me, but their way is a lot more direct than ours. You asked her a question (was it 200) she answered it.

You need to learn the language. Your kid will be speaking it soon - you should at least know how to chat. You also need to cut each other a little slack. Make sure that your GF is OK after the birth and pregnancy, and ensure you're looking after each other.

As a heads up....this phrase will get you far - Mój poduszkowiec jest pełen węgorzy (i hope you are a monty python fan )

giggle84

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Your wife is probably drained from using English ALL THE TIME. It is not her first language. It is an EFFORT for her to speak it and constant mental gymnastics! On the back of that you are then criticising her if she makes any mistakes! If it were me I would lose all my confidence in the second language if my partner who should love and support me was nitpicking all my mistakes and I too would revert to hmms and blinks!

Couldn't agree more with this. I've learned a foreign language too and spent a year in that country and whenever anyone laughed or criticised me when I made a mistake it knocked my confidence in the language a bit.

Your wife is in a foreign country, married to someone from a different culture, raising a child away from her home and family, and having to speak in a foreign language all the time.. she's probably worn out!

Give her a break, talk to her and tell her you want to understand if she's struggling, and make the effort to learn even a small bit of Polish, I'd imagine it would mean a lot to her that you made the effort.

Best of luck OP!