Have I wasted 10 years of my life?

teaglei

so where to begin, I am now 32 having met my partner when I was 22 & he 25.
At time time both of us were young & both came from challenging backgrounds (him a product from divorce & an alcoholic mother) & I, a product of a single parent home with a parent who struggled greatly not just physically but mentally.
As you can imagine we both had a few issue, insecurities if you will that we needed to iron out individually before we could dream of setting off into the future. But we did speak many times of a 10 years plan, & in 10 years if we worked at it, we could provide something for each other that was a true partnership marry (which was always important to me) make a home & have kids in a stable environment (something nether of us had but he was very open about wanting).
In the early days I had no self worth & thought of every person being greater than I, he struggled with having any backbone of his own & we got into a very unhealthy cycle of codependency for a good few years.
I had other personal struggles & eventually reached out & for help, I'd always refused this was our lot to be satisfied with in life. I knew he loved me but spent many years listening to excuses of why he was settling for an unhealthy version of himself rather than fighting for himself, for us.
Years went by & I got so many excuses he was completely dependant on me telling him how to make dinner to how to deal with his family I got resentful of him pushing his responsibilities in life on to me. I begged him to change, I told him I was unhappy & id get the same old crap why maybe next week, maybe next month he would look into it but never right now.
Eventually heartbroken by false promises I left him, resenting him every step of the way for loving him so much him apparently loving me & never doing a dam thing about it.
He then ran straight to councelling, to straighten himself out. Even when we broke up I could never imagine my life with another & never even looked at another I was still waiting for him,so I moved back with my mom & just worked hard in my job, got a promotion.
Christmas arrived 6 mths later & he arrived at the door with a gift his heart in pieces I've always known his family are not family & that mom & I were always the family he had come to had, he had spent Christmas Day alone my heart broke for him my life was still in pieces not understanding why given all the time all the opportunities in the world he never bothers always intending too.
But as it was Christmas I stopped being the angry version of myself & as always then we would get on like a house on fire,
We eventually got back together I could see the councelling was no doubt helping him, & as friends commented about never imagining him & I apart my heart warmed. So many notes on how much he had come out of his shell, I was 30 now & anxious that we still work towards our goals marriage, stability, a home & children.
& upon conversations we had (incidentally I have always had to bring every topic up from what you want for din to what are we doing with our lives) about my desire to provide a home for not just myself but for us, & my mother in coming years & as I said prior he was vocal in children....but as he was aware my health has started to decline these past few years so working towards these things now & no longer putting it off were of huge importance, not to mention I think 10 years is long enough notice for anyone!
So I start budgeting our finances, meeting the bank for advice setting up savings accounts all with him at my side, he is well aware I expected this to happen by the time I'm 32, & ye I come to find lately he's done nothing on his own & is still more dependant on me than I probably realised.
He was never going to save for a ring until I told him too although he knew the time frame last Nov we spoke of saving towards our future we seen a house this past month I would love & as j speak to a mortgage broker I come to find after all the discussion we had on avoiding erratic spending on our accounts & reducing bank charges he had carried on his erratic spending behind my back..... Why? Because I didn't specifically verbalise that to him.
Although he's the nicest in the world everyone loves us together I feel like I'm the only adult in the relationship he knew my valid concerns & never even tried to succeed, I'm heartbroken & feel so foolish. He says he's always wanted to marry me but does not realise how shameful I feel knowing I would have to tell him to do so.
How can I continue a relationship with someone who without malice does not have the ability or will to think on his own, without me being responsible for everything in our lives.
Have I simply just wasted all the best years of my life?

teaglei

Thanks for your advice....& it's scary how much you hit the nail on the head with one thing you said, but that's exactly it I don't want to have to mind him as well as children, I want a partner not a leech.
& I feel harsh now saying that but I'm at the point my mind is going to pop I've pointed out so many things the last few months & he's not some much attempted to improve one thing (unless of course I tell him exactly what to do, which kind of defeats the purpose of hoping someday he'll be a little considerate).
I'm not a soppy person Im very logical & rational in all other parts of my life.
Usually successful in all I do cuz I work dam hard, I build teams for gods sake!!
but I feel like such a failure now, I'm ashamed to fail on the most important team I had & be treated like my hopes, my feelings, my efforts just don't matter it's never enough! I could never imagine him turning to drink he'd rather be the victim to everyone & how could I do that to him when he's such a nice guy.
When we're apart I feel upset, ripped off that he didn't get off his ass.
& i miss the craic cuz with all the fluffy stuff (gardening, dinner in the evenings) we have so much craic, but every responsibility is mine the bigger it is the more it weigh on me not us.
I'm in hospital last week I was so scared & he's contacting me 6 times cuz he doesn't know how to print a boarding pass for Ryanair, I get upset tell him to F off & he's mad with me for not giving him clear enough direction....come on most of the population can figure this out, can he not give me my moment to find out what's wrong with my health, but instead told me he was doing me a favour distracting me.....have you ever heard the likes!!
I'm at a loss at the min, all this crap suddenly he sees the light, he'll change I do not doubt for a second his intentions are good but he appears not to have the capability to do a flaming thing.
Thanks again,
Feels a little better knowing I'm not the only one ❤️

aglending

It's a crappy team when only one team member is working.
Maybe a break for both of you would do you good. Get some head space and then revisit it in a few weeks.
Be clear with him why you need a break and when/if you get back together set up boundaries and give him tasks to do.
Ten years is a long time to be with someone but he also needs to grow up.

Just take care of yourself and don't ever feel like you've failed because of him. He is an adult and needs to act like one. Or at least learn to act like one. If he doesn't, well then that is his failure and there is not much more you can do.
Wish you all the best.

Roselm

Op, he's not going to change is he. So it's a decision as to whether you can accept that this is him and be the organiser, decision maker and responsible one in the partnership.
If you think forward 10
years does it bring thoughts of happiness or dispair?

strobe

There are plenty of couples where one is the organiser, handles the finances etc, and it seems to work perfectly fine for them. Is pretty dependant on their being acceptance that that is the dynamic though, rather than one constantly trying to change the other. That's never going to work.

teaglei

Your right if we had agreed roles that would be acceptable, but it's not agreed it's ill do everything & he'll only do whatever I tell him to do no more no less, no inclination of working off his own initiative for himself or us.
Unfortunately no matter what I do, I can't be responsible for all, & I don't want to say it as there is a lot of good between us but no matter how hard I try if it's only me trying it was never going to work despite his well intentioned false promises & my will for things to work out.
I can't make someone think for themselves.

milli milli

Personally I couldn't be attracted to a man who wasn't independent and couldn't stand on his own two feet.

Maybe it's because I'm a very independent person, but I find couples who can't do things without the other, off-putting.

I know your partner has problems and I would be sympathetic to him, but there comes a time in a person's life where one needs to take responsibility for one's own life, sort out problems (professionally if need be) and behave like an adult.
And I'm not belittling his situation at all - having no real family background must be incredibly scarring and will take years of counselling/help to repair. But he needs to do this - he needs to repair himself before committing to someone else.
Otherwise by having a family with this man, you will be creating another dysfunctional set-up and a future that looks dark rather than rosy.

otwb1

Op, he's never going to change so you either decide that you can live with that or move on. I moved on at about your age after 10 years together. (despite my ex being a lovely bloke, he simply would not take responsibility for even arranging a day out).

I had an amazing time on my own and was able to do everything I had wanted to do (but had had to drag my ex along with me and/or pay for him while we were together).

Am now living with a wonderful man who is actually an adult. it's a wonderful feeling being in a partnership rather than a relationship which is more like a carer/manager.

If you do choose to move on then don't worry about being alone, I can honestly say that I only really started living in my 30's.

Mongfinder General

Bottom line is if you don't like the relationship, leave. Unfortunately, you'll have to start all over again. You want a home, kids, family. All legit aspirations. Meeting a life partner in your 30's can be tricky as most of time all you're left with is wasters and **** at that stage. Don't settle for less than what you need. There is nothing wrong with staying single. An unhappy family life will affect more than just you

milli milli

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Meeting a life partner in your 30's can be tricky as most of time all you're left with is wasters and **** at that stage.

Such rubbish. I know plenty of single people in their 30s who are catches (and I'm not being charitable by saying that, they really are catches) but for whatever reason they find it hard to meet the right people.

Addle

You'll never have what you want in this relationship OP.
Don't waste any more time.
It will be difficult, but you will move on.

Mongfinder General

milli milli wrote: »

Such rubbish. I know plenty of single people in their 30s who are catches (and I'm not being charitable by saying that, they really are catches) but for whatever reason they find it hard to meet the right people.

I used to be single, it's a tough racket. Life partners are out there, pick one up, it's yours. As for most single folk in their 30's or 40's I'd wish them good luck but they wouldn't know what to do with it.

Stavro Mueller

OP, I'm coming to this from a biased point of view. A member of my family married a man with a lot of the same traits as your partner. They're married a long time now and I can see the toll that it's taking on her. My relative is quite like you I think. She's hard-working, has a great attitude to life and the sort of person who'd turn her hand to anything and do things properly. Unfortunately she always was attracted to men who needed a bit of help or were a little bit broken.

I would advise you to walk away from this man because over time he will wear you down. He's going to hold you back and lead to you having a life where you will always have to factor in his uselessness. You will be doing this in two ways.
(1) You will be over-compensating for his shortcomings and end up doing a disproportionate amount of the work. You'll be the one printing the boarding passes, making sure his passport's up to date, double-checking everything you ask him to do because he can't figure it out on your own. If you think it's bad now, I can assure you that it's going to get worse as time goes on.

(2) You'll get caught out by him doing stupid things behind your back. Like that erratic spending. I'm not au fait with the everyday financial comings and goings of my relative but I know her husband has gone and bought expensive things behind her back when they needed the money for something else. That continues to this day I might add.

So in short, I think you should walk away. He is never going to be the man you want him to be. If my relative is anything to go by, being in a relationship like this WILL wear you down and he will become more and more dependent on you. Please don't waste any more years of your life with this guy. If you're miserable now, think how you'll feel in 30 or 40 years time?

Stavro Mueller

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I used to be single, it's a tough racket. Life partners are out there, pick one up, it's yours. As for most single folk in their 30's or 40's I'd wish them good luck but they wouldn't know what to do with it.

I know women who met their husbands when they were in their thirties and now have families. I don't think scaring the OP with talk of not being able to find anyone else is helpful.

Mongfinder General

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I know women who met their husbands when they were in their thirties and now have families. I don't think scaring the OP with talk of not being able to find anyone else is helpful.

I'm not trying to scare the OP. I accept that some of your friends met their husbands while the clock was ticking down. One question? Are each of your friends happy in their marriages?

Stavro Mueller

They are, yes. But let's not drag the thread off-topic. You are as entitled to your negative opinion of singledom in one's thirties as I am to my differing view.

I am taking to the table my personal view of how a family member has lived a harder life than she should have because she married a man who wouldn't know initiative if it jumped up and smacked him on the nose. I fear the OP is going down the same route.

Mongfinder General

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

They are, yes. But let's not drag the thread off-topic. You are as entitled to your negative opinion of singledom in one's thirties as I am to my differing view.

I am taking to the table my personal view of how a family member has lived a harder life than she should have because she married a man who wouldn't know initiative if it jumped up and smacked him on the nose. I fear the OP is going down the same route.

And I know of many a couple who were all too quick and desperate to settle down, marry and have kids. All because the clock was ticking. There is nothing wrong with singledom. I guess what we're both driving at is don't settle for some arsehole who will be a leech for the rest of your life.

mg1982

Sounds like your partner is looking for someone to mother him rather then be in a functioning relationship. The poor guy has a tough background so its understandable in a sense. Is he still attending counselling? He really needs to stick with it.

CaraMay

Most of my friends met nicer guys in their 30's than the ones they hung out with in their 20's. None settled (for losers) and honestly each of the guys (and girls) are great catches and happily married with kids now.

Op don't believe the scaremongering. It's hard to meet someone decent at any she but you have the benefit of knowing what you don't want and what your own skills and qualities are.

teaglei

Thanks for the advice, you know I'm just stunned at the min, I feel so ripped off the life I planned, the life I provided for its falling apart & I resent him so much for that, my parents are ageing their health is poorer than average I didn't think it was too much to ask for that in 10 flipping years I could have settled down & be planning to have children in a time allowed for them to really know the little family I have (as I adored my grandparents) I feel his selfishness has put all my dreams in jeopardy.
I find the thought of being single again overwhelming, I find the thoughts of starting over terrifying, I find the thought of life without him so daunting (as I said we lead such potential if he put the work in, we get on so well) & I don't remember what life is like without him, but I think that's the fear of the unknown.
Had I had known life would turn out like this I would not be here but we made a deal, a commitment to one another if you will & I kept my end of the deal.
He swears blind now oh things will change, he will now try harder than ever but had I seen one attempt at that before I got beyond desperate, it would have been sufficient. But it just doesn't happen, he doesn't think until I tell him too & I don't think that's an ability you can provide someone with.
I believe he has all the BEST intentions in the world but never learned the ability to make anything a reality & readily has excuses for never doing anything in the time you would expect it to be completed....usually oh I just didn't think.
& all my people love him to death, love us together to death but they don't know that nothing happens without me.
Like an idiot, I was hoping against hope that maybe someone would tell me there was light, but everyone here just confirmed what I know deep down & just need to act upon.
& i am lucky not to have kids with him already, the thoughts of all of that responsibility on my own would be too much & my temper would flare up it wouldn't be right to put that upon someone small.
Thanks to you all

Addle

I've been in your position OP.
I was angry for a long time after the inevitable break up.
But I had to accept responsibility for my own choices too.
No one forced me to stay. I made bad decisions.
Now I have to live with the consequences of them.

teaglei

mg1982
Yup he's still attending took 6 years to get him there & he's two years in to it, & half of the reason I stuck through is cuz life was hard but I had faith things would improve & think of the accomplishment on both parts to have fought against the odds not just to live for be very successful (a romantic notion I know) ....but 2years in to professional help & basic things are still relied upon in our relationship although many have commented on how much he has come out of his shell & it has benefited him professionally (although he is still is fairly naive in career path he has certainly come on leaps & bounds).
But he lacks all ability even ideas into how to make any of his own dreams (never mind ours) into a reality & it's taking a toll on me.
I've no doubt he cares, & I feel very guilty, but I am constantly asking him where is his willingness to learn, to do better & it's not there he repeats & repeats the same mistakes & doesn't learn from them unless I say hang on

FizzleSticks

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mg1982

teaglei wrote: »

mg1982
Yup he's still attending took 6 years to get him there & he's two years in to it, & half of the reason I stuck through is cuz life was hard but I had faith things would improve & think of the accomplishment on both parts to have fought against the odds not just to live for be very successful (a romantic notion I know) ....but 2years in to professional help & basic things are still relied upon in our relationship although many have commented on how much he has come out of his shell & it has benefited him professionally (although he is still is fairly naive in career path he has certainly come on leaps & bounds).
But he lacks all ability even ideas into how to make any of his own dreams (never mind ours) into a reality & it's taking a toll on me.
I've no doubt he cares, & I feel very guilty, but I am constantly asking him where is his willingness to learn, to do better & it's not there he repeats & repeats the same mistakes & doesn't learn from them unless I say hang on

I admire your patience and im sure you will get the things your looking for whether its with him or not is another thing. Thing is it could take years of counselling for him to confront his demons and even then there are no guarantees. But if other people are seeing an improvement in him then it could be working. Its a tough one to call and its really all about how long your willing to wait even though as you have said you waited ten years already.

cactusgal

milli milli wrote: »

Such rubbish. I know plenty of single people in their 30s who are catches (and I'm not being charitable by saying that, they really are catches) but for whatever reason they find it hard to meet the right people.

+100 to this. I met my boyfriend (truly the loveliest guy I've ever had the pleasure of being with) when I was 36, after dumping my nice but incredibly lazy, unmotivated, leech of an ex-fiance. We're together nearly 2 years and our relationship is so completely different and infinitely better than the one I was afraid to leave.

Please don't settle for fear of being alone. I'm so glad I didn't.

teaglei

Haha I'm not sure my patient is admirable possibly idiotic, or desperation to make it work I've always believed in giving your all. he never saved a penny for his life or ours until I told him too , he was in a terrible place in life years back & would have stayed there if I hadn't given him an ultimatum....& that's all that appears to work but it's no life!
I have waited him to be who he said he wanted to be & yup that ideal that we were both working on ourselves with the same determination & you know I'm as responsible as he is I know that, but Lord can he talk the part & hide the fact he's not acting accordingly.
He says he wants too but the evidence all points the other way, no action no even thoughts without force....I think the cherry on the cake was he maintains the notion it was my job to tell him when to save for an engagement ring, all the talk of him wanting a house, marriage kids & I was supposed to tell him when to do that.
I was stunned not an hours thought or research in all these years & the absolute heartache & shame I have felt that after all these years of supporting him I was expected to be reduced to begging for him to act even a little on our future.
Lol I've never looked at a biological clock or been desperate for a thing sure I taught in my delusion id nothing to worry about & had allowed plenty of time , as I'm not one to jump into anything

LegacyUser

It is a horrible position to be in after 10 years with someone. By now you have done as much as possible for this man. He is not willing to make any changes in his life for you. He won't save money for a house, an engagement ring or make any proper plans in regards to both your futures. Anything he does is only after you keep nagging him like a bold child and not the grown up adult he is.

At this stage I would just tell him it is over between you. The reality is you can't waste any more time with him. You can't bring a child into a relationship like this either as he won't cope with the stress a baby can bring into a relationship. You will end up continuing to do everything and who knows if that will be possible if you have a baby or a small child to mind.

I would tell him that you are ending things with him as you can't wait any longer for him to grow up, to save money and to start taking some responsibility for his life. I would not listen to I will change ect. You need to be strong and tell him it is to late to save things at this stage.

I know this will be a hard thing for you to do but you need to consider your own life and your own long term future. I know woman who were in your situation they wanted marriage, kids and a home. Meanwhile there were with men who refused grow up, save money or make any kind of commitment to them. They ended these relationships and went on to meet men who wanted the same as them. Several of these woman now have children.

They told me it was not easy to end a long relationship that was going no where but they realised that unless they did this they would not have the life they wanted.

Stavro Mueller

To be honest OP, I can't see therapy ever getting him to the stage where he can be the partner you want in your life. Sure, it should help him become more confident and perhaps be able to cope better with his own life. The sort of issues that are upsetting you - those are things that I believe people either *get* or they don't. The guy just don't think that way and I doubt he ever will. I just wonder does he have other underlying issues that aren't related to his upbringing. I don't want to go down the road of medical diagnosis here but I do wonder..

teaglei

You know that's funny Stavro....my mother queried the same thing & this is a woman who has had physiological issues!
Im sure it's possible &maybe it's that I don't see that being closer. But he appears fully competent in work getting two promotions, more competent than ever around others (ie. Friends)
I had hoped maybe naively so that awareness of others, thinking outside the box when the box wouldn't work would come with time.
& I can clearly see he wants a life with me , but if you want food you eat, if you want a life you work & save for it.....it's all perfectly logical to me!!
He practically cut his immediate family out of his life this past year as everyone of them is more toxic than the next.....hence some of the guilt I feel.
But I also feel that the choices were easy & he was unwilling to meet me half way, & now suddenly claims with the end in sight that all is possible when I know in my heart of hearts that's he's in capable a fulfilling the promises he makes.
& if I agreed to give him the hope he pleads for, I am doing nothing but setting myself up for future failure.
As I am like you said, not confident that any therapy can give a person the get up & go I require in life

CaraMay

He's just lazy and complacent. He was clearly facilitated by you tbh op. If you are like you write then you seem very confident and progressive and there can't be 2 people like that in the relationship. I think he took the backseat as that's what he was used to. For all the world he's a mammys boy but you are the mammy.

Have you totally cut contact because of you are serious about finishing then you need to do that

mg1982

Id agree with caramay OP. I think over the years hes developed a learned helplessness because you have been doing most things for him. If he can get promotions at work and have good social skills then i cannot understand why he needs you to run his life. At this stage hes taking advantage of you.

teaglei

No doubt caramay I realised where I was an enabler & that made the wedge bigger as I learned & developed, & I have been clear these past two years (in particular) that we both needed to change approach to make this work.
I do believe your comments to be a little on the side of harsh, but I get what your saying.
Although I disagree with your perspective on two strong people in a relationship I believe that both be can just as strong each in their own roles & as supportive to one another.
No, the final nails in the coffin so to speak are quite recent (like last couple of days) & I am currently at least waiting til his next session with therapy (that hasn't happened in weeks with holidays etc....) simply because I am feeling like crap but I have no doubt he is also feeling low & I am completely conscious of him not having family to turn too & there are practicalities aside from feelings at play.
The promotions & socialising only came as benefit to therapy they are more recent developments, those skills were not always as prevalent as they are now & to be fair to him they are strengthening all the time, hence me hoping that he would also "think" at home, Lord knows I repeated myself enough
But it is funny to hear some comments as I have said to him I'm not your mom

CaraMay

Sorry I didn't mean to be harsh. Look, unless all is not lost, maybe there is a future here. Are you still in love with him? Why can't you set up a standing order to a joint savings account and still achieve all these things.

Just a question - did you encourage him at all to split from him family? It seems like a very proactive move for him given the other insights we have on him.

One other thing op - could he have a drugs / gambling problem? What's he spending his money on?

teaglei

Oh I adore him it's not like it was just who I pictured taking a back seat in life with, No doubt to the outside world I'm the stronger one & in the relationship too, BUT you know it's a lot of years since I hit my rock bottom & he was verbalising therapy for himself I did it (rather than just talk of it as he had with no action) & I spent the next 6 yrs trying to coax/ row with him into taking the same step for himself.
His family well his moms an alco who's unwilling to get help but it's far more complicated than just that, & to be honest his way of dealing with the world was just to be a door mat, put the head down & carry on fairly unsuccessfully.
I have no doubt I carried him a lot but as I grew up & he got his own help & as a knock on changed in confidence in thinking what was acceptable for him to accept that's where the family got lost....they didn't take to them him standing up for himself too kindly they were used to the old him.
We have some savings now, all on my initiative we were actually hoping of buying a home but he continues little irrational spendings because I didn't tell him not too.
I feel extremely overwhelmed with the amount I have to watch or he won't think, & I've said that a lot these past few months.
He wishes us to marry, he wishes us to have kids some day & I always knew that, but the shocker came in from our discussions always (bar these past few months as I was being silent to hopefully be surprised) he never taught of the age we may want to get married, he never taught of my mom or step dads age or problems with my own health declining this past year....& he never taught this was supposed to be the year.
We are in ok jobs still on the professional ladder, but doing very well considering our starting point but savings are good but limited, I'm stunned that all these years of work (mainly on my part financially & emotionally) have never triggered a thing in his brain.
& now I'm panicked finically, that little fecking fertility clock I taught I'd all wrapped up, providing a home for us & a ground floor bedroom for my parents in decling years & all slightly at risk what because he can't think without being told,
Oh lol I should mention the deal always was no marriage no kids
But I have the same example with everything....it has to be an argument before he's get up in time to visit someone we promised or we arrive hours later than promised, I have to tell him regularly for 4 weeks to order top soil before its done you may think I would just do it but in principle alone I won't.....things are done but only at a push & always late....that can't be normal??
Haha oh god I just readied that was a bit of a rant!!
The whole question really was can someone learn to think rather than just have good intentions with therapy or am I just wasting my time & wasting my years on something unrealistic

teaglei

& no I would never push him on the family front I'm always harping everything is forgive able with time particularly with family even when you fall out the live it still there , although I would have been in life in general what are you at, where is your backbone, I would always be aware of my place within another's family & its solely my role to support my opinions are not required ��

FizzleSticks

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