Heartbreak

LegacyUser

Hello everybody.

So it's 8.40 on a Sunday morning and I'm feeling absolutely crap.
Me and my boyfriend split 6 weeks ago, his decision, although I'm sure in time I will look back and see if was for the best. I really hope so.

This is the first time I've ever had my heart broken (at the grand age of 30) and I'm struggling.

The first couple of weeks were just a blur of tears, after that I was just very down with the odd hysterical crying fit/panic attack type feeling when I was at home by myself.
I was getting out for long walks/runs in the evenings to take my mind off things and using Kalms tablets and Rescue Remedy to help me feel calm.
Weeks 4 and 5 were a little better, started feeling like yeah this is ok, I can do this.. Didn't need the Kalms tablets to sleep or anything, started eating dinners again and tidying the house.

Now week 6 - for some reason, I've taken about 20 steps back.

I can barely bring myself to get out of bed, I have dreams about him, every second of the day he is in my head, I'm checking my phone constantly. I feel empty and just dead inside.
I miss him so much that I feel my chest could explode when I think that I will never see him again. I am terrified of a future without him because I love him so much.
I can't bear the thought that he will meet someone new and she will sit in his car where I sat, sit at family dinners where I sat, lie in bed where I used to lie - that he will kiss and hold someone else instead of me. It makes me feel physically sick.
I should mention that he lives very close to me and I've already seen him around a couple of times so when he does meet someone new I will very likely know very quickly.

I dreamt of him again last night and he was having sex with someone else.
I've woken up feeling sick, panicky and tearful. I have a day planned with friends today but although I will go, I just want to go back to sleep and never wake up.

I'm not eating well as I have no motivation to cook. My house is a mess which is making me feel more down but again, I can't motivate myself to clean it.

Really what I'm looking for today is reassurance that I will get over this.
I know I will but right now, I can't even imagine ever feeling happy again.
I'd like to hear stories from other users and how long it was until they started feeling 'whole' again and just normal. Until they could wake up and not think of that person straight away and get through a day feeling happy.

Penny Tration

You poor thing.

It's the worst feeling in the world, and something I never want to experience again.

You WILL get through it. You've had a setback. It can happen. It sounds like you've been,doing all the right things up til now. So force yourself to do them again. You were feeling a little better and more hopeful two weeks ago, so go back to that. Back to what you did in those weeks. Running, walking, seeing friends, eating properly.

Get a new phone number. You can't constantly check a phone when you know he cannot contact it.

You're allowed wallow, though. You're grieving, and that's normal. My last big break up, I didn't eat whatsoever for five days, although I still worked 14 hour shifts in a kitchen. I really did a number on my poor body that week!

It does get better. It's only been a few weeks. Give it some more time. You asked how long it took people to get over exes? Last big relationship, it took me seven months before I was properly over him.

However, by the third month, I was fine. Back to normal, feeling okay. I still loved him, but I was fine without him. The love stopped at month seven.

You'll be okay. Go out with your friends. Tell them how you've been feeling. I guarantee they'll understand because they'll have been there too.

teaglei

You poor love, I feel I'm going down the same path but it'll be my choice, funnily enough it doesn't make it much easier I just happened to be overwhelmed & tired of not being listened too & after 10years I've really panicked I'm wasting my opportunities for a successful life & the things I want it.
& im so scared of my future I never imagined a day without him let alone a life I love him completely but you can't make two work at something!
But I do know as painful as it will be, (& I too have already turned off food) I will be ok cuz no more than I, you have an inner strength that is rarely required but it is there. Have faith in yourself, in your abilities that there is so much more to you than him & focus on those things that make you happy even for 20 mins.
Mornings, & night no doubt the worst time, this morning I woke up beside him my eyes so sore from crying yesterday & last night it was dreadful, but there is no doubt it will be better.
That's good advice on changing your number if you can,
Just mind you, take care of you I'd expect for both of us we may be a little more fragile on our good days than we imagine so treat yourself well.
You deserve happiness with someone who appreciates everything you are & he didn't do that, so with time, courage & bravery you may just find that.

Homebird50

Hi, I feel your pain, im going through similar myself and its only been 4 weeks for me.

Allow yourself to have the bad days, wallow for the day and then tomorrow get back up on your feet and keep going.

I going one day at a time and trying not to look too far into the future.

Have you a friend you can talk to, someone you can be miserable with and they will allow you to be down.

Go back out walking, it really clears the head. Try take up a new hobby. Get your hair done, book a holiday.

Be kind to yourself, youre only human xx

strobe

Unfortunately it's often a two steps forward, one step back kind of process. Don't expect it to be constantly getting a little bit better all the time. Doesn't work like that. You'll feel a bit better, then another bit better, then occasionally a bit worse again - but then after that a bit better, then another bit better, you get the idea. Just gotta hang in there. Don't let the momentary steps back distract you from the steady progression of steps forward. Then one day smack bang out of nowhere it's grand, and you're away like a shot. Always, always, always happens a lot quicker than you think it's going to at the time.

Matteroffact

You will feel rotten until you fill your time with other things. You are giving yourself too much time to think about the past and this is keeping you upset. You have to make a new life for yourself and when you do this you will feel much better. Do just one thing every day from now on to start a new life, e.g. join a club or a class doing something you enjoy. After you have done a few things you will begin to recover and after a while you will be enjoying life again. Doing nothing just keeps you in the same state.

shalalala

Night times were the worse for me. I found that writing down everything that I was feeling made me sleep a lot better. Honestly, most people have gone through it and it seriously sucks. It is one of those pains that once you get past it, you block it from memory.

OP it does get better. Soon you will find yourself happy out for ages then maybe in six months it might hit you again for a day or two, this is just how heart ache happens. Be kind to yourself, fill your time, delete him, try not to drink too much, see all your friends and make new ones, take up a hobby and exercise. It will get so much better I promise x

IlmoNT4

Been there, bought the t-shirt with my heart smashed all over it.... You'll get through it OP, one day at a time... Here are the things that helped me

-Have a pity party, cry your eyes out, look at the pictures and the text messages etc Dont contact him
- Dont drink any alcohol, unless you are 100% sure you can have alcohol without contacting him or freaking out completely.
-Go out with friends and tell them all about it, keep talking
-Decided on when the pity party ends (usually week 12 is good). Keep that as a mental marker for yourself, by week 12 all the photos, gifts etc will be put in the bin or put in a box and given to a friend to mind, all text messages will be deleted etc .... They'll just keep triggering you but for now you need them to go through what you need to go through.
-Join something new, just one new thing, something out of the house and with people who dont know anything about you or your boyfriend. Dont tell them you are recently single. Then you have to turn up every week and be normal. It'll feel awful but just do it, this will be your one day of the week where you start to invest in yourself.
-Get a new hair cut, some new clothes, a nice massage, a spa day...lots and lots of treats.
-Around week 12 remove him from your social media, defriend and mark all the pictures as private (or delete)
-Start meditating today ..check out https://www.headspace.com/ (it'll help)
-Start cooking for yourself, try new things, get your normal routine back up and running little by little. Set small goals, like a weekly supermarket run or tackle the laundry. As a treat to yourself, you could get a cleaner in to get your home nice and tidy and this will help.

Its really important that you express your feelings and allow yourself to feel but if it continues on for a very long time and you are struggling to get back to your normal self then a trip to the GP might be in order.

adraigh

You poor thing OP. I feel terrible for you, you are going through the horrors now but just to say what you're feeling is totally normal.

To feel so terribly after a split is in fact, in some sort of weird and twisted way, a good thing. It shows you are able to love and be vulnerable enough to be loved, and I want you to know that if you have that in you once, you will have it again.

I could have written your post word for word 2 years ago, the devastation I felt still shocks me even now when I think back. Your post put me on those shoes again.

It took me about a year + some counselling + some extremely patient friends to help me get there, but I did and so will you. Xx