husband lying about smoking

cruais

Both my husband and I were smokers. I found out I was pregnant and so I quit.

My husband told me he would too and so started on an ecig. He made a point telling me how well he is doing etc

Recently I have been having suspicions that he is smoking again. Finding lighters etc. So i broached it this morning.

He admitted he has about 3 a week and to stop being annoyed. I dont believe him.

I am just annoyed he wont quit for our baby. And i don't want him having sneaky cigs and holding the baby then as its passive smoking and that lingers on clothes etc.

I feel i have made huge sacrifices and its only 1 thing i want him to quit for our baby.

Any thoughts?

CaraMay

He's an adult and you are treating him like a child. He shouldn't hand lied but I guess he chose the path of least nagging. It would be nice if he didn't smoke but stop using emotional blackmail like 'for our baby' and let him make his own decisions - as an adult. Your sacrifices are your own decision and there's a big difference between a pregnant woman smoking that an expectant father.

Btw I don't smoke and never did.

Tilly

Telling a smoker to stop when they're not ready won't ever work. You need to tell him you'd like him to totally stop and wait till he's ready.

Btw smoke on clothes isn't passive smoking.

Penny Tration

Passive smoking is when you breathe in second hand smoke. It is not when the smell lingers on clothes or hands.

He's an adult and he has an addiction. Frankly, if he's not smoking around you and wont be smoking around the baby, there's little else you can say. It's his choice.

blackcard

Give him a break. At least, he made an effort so his heart is in the right place. But. his head has to be in the right place too and now may just not be the time

LegacyUser

Fair play to you for giving up the cigarettes, they are very difficult to give up. It might have been easier for you because you are pregnant and you have the baby to think about, however knowing friends and family who've tried to quit it can take a few attempts. My dad smoked all his life, he wasn't a heavy smoker maybe around a packet a week. He gave them up when he was 70 and he's still alive. Nagging at somebody to quit is not going to work, they have to want to quit the habit. As far those e-cigarettes I have serious doubts if they are any better than cigarettes.

Penny Tration

Tabs101 wrote: »

Fair play to you for giving up the cigarettes, they are very difficult to give up. It might have been easier for you because you are pregnant and you have the baby to think about, however knowing friends and family who've tried to quit it can take a few attempts. My dad smoked all his life, he wasn't a heavy smoker maybe around a packet a week. He gave them up when he was 70 and he's still alive. Nagging at somebody to quit is not going to work, they have to want to quit the habit. As far those e-cigarettes I have serious doubts if they are any better than cigarettes.

They've been proven thus far to be 95% safer than cigarettes. Scientific studies trumps media scaremongering.

Regardless, though, he at least tried, whatever method he used.

Sounds as though he's still trying. He should be given credit for how much he's cut down

maggiepip

Everyone has to find their own way to finally quit and some people genuinely have much more difficulty than others doing so. Most people fail many times before completely getting off cigarettes. I think you should be more understanding and appreciate his efforts, he needs to give up in a that works for him.

Tilly

maggiepip wrote: »

Everyone has to find their own way to finally quit and some people genuinely have much more difficulty than others doing so. Most people fail many times before completely getting off cigarettes. I think you should be more understanding and appreciate his efforts, he needs to give up in a that works for him.

100%.

I'm on my second time giving up. It can take a few times, even if ready.

Penny Tration

Tilly wrote: »

100%.

I'm on my second time giving up. It can take a few times, even if ready.

Absolutely. I tried maybe 15 times. Longest I'd lasted was two days.

Off them more than six months now because I wanted to.

If he doesn't truly want to,he won't. If he isn't ready, no method will work yet

MissFlitworth

cruais wrote: »

I feel i have made huge sacrifices and its only 1 thing i want him to quit for our baby.

Your pregnancy is helping you quit, he doesn't have that. He doesn't have the hormones and he doesn't have the immediacy of having to quit because it could affect your baby. When you've had your baby you might not have that any more either and might find it harder to keep off them. So try be understanding, quitting smoking is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially if you don't want to. You're just finding it much easier than it normally would be. You both need to support each other through it

Roselm

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Passive smoking is when you breathe in second hand smoke. It is not when the smell lingers on clothes or hands.

He's an adult and he has an addiction. Frankly, if he's not smoking around you and wont be smoking around the baby, there's little else you can say. It's his choice.

Yes but third hand smoke is what t he op is referring to.The coating of poisins on a smokers clothes, hair, skin...http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-third-hand-smoke/

Merkin

I was a committed smoker for years and I quit about five years ago, it was so tough but I went cold turkey and did it.

You have to really want it for yourself.

What I will say however is that the risk of SIDS in babies IS proven to be higher if a smoker lives in the house. Please get him to have a read of this:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/child-rearing-and-development/bringing-baby-home/how-smoking-harms-babies/4-ways

FurBabyMomma

Honestly I'd be pretty pissed. Being pregnant and giving up cigarettes are both really difficult and more so if your Oh isn't on board.

Both my husband and I gave up smoking just before we found out I was pregnant. Personally I actually think smoking is one of the most selfish things a parent can do. Aside from the health implications for both parent and child, every time I would have spent €10 on a box of cigarettes, that's €10 less that I could have spent on my child's food, clothes, toys, etc. Or €10 I could have put in an account for his or her future, instead of shortening mine. I wonder would thinking about that help?

I gave up smoking once before (and thinking I could social smoke only ruined all that) and every time I saved €100 I would buy myself a new pair of shoes. I still have a killer shoe collection!

Maybe you could support him going forward by encouraging him to save the money to spend on himself or the baby? Nothing better than having tangible evidence of the money you're saving, works much better than the health fears imo

Jenny Thalia

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

They've been proven thus far to be 95% safer than cigarettes. Scientific studies trumps media scaremongering.

Regardless, though, he at least tried, whatever method he used.

Sounds as though he's still trying. He should be given credit for how much he's cut down

Not true. Recent scientific studies have shown that they can damage lungs.

http://www.the-aps.org/mm/hp/Audiences/Public-Press/2015/25.html

Eeden

Giving up smoking is SO HARD, unless you really want to do it. But just saying or believing that you "really want to do it" is not enough. You can line up the reasons to stop - saving money, better health, less smelly, better for your children, etc. But just knowing these things is not the same as actually wanting or actually being ready to give up.

I gave up nearly two years ago after years and years of smoking. I had no problem giving up, and didn't need any nicotine replacement or motivational help. But that was after so many times trying to give up, using nicorette patches, gum, having people bribe me, smoking in secret, etc. Before I gave up I was down to only two or three cigarettes a day, which I thought for a long time was fine, hardly smoking at all, etc.

I now realise that the only thing that's needed is the actual wish to give up and that no amount of nagging by others or objectively knowing the good reasons to give up will ever work.

bee06

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Your pregnancy is helping you quit, he doesn't have that. He doesn't have the hormones and he doesn't have the immediacy of having to quit because it could affect your baby. When you've had your baby you might not have that any more either and might find it harder to keep off them. So try be understanding, quitting smoking is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially if you don't want to. You're just finding it much easier than it normally would be. You both need to support each other through it

Completely agree, I have a friend who has three kids and gave up every time she got pregnant but she couldn't stay off them after she had the baby.

silverfeather

CaraMay wrote: »

Your sacrifices are your own decision and there's a big difference between a pregnant woman smoking that an expectant father.

Btw I don't smoke and never did.

I disagree he is smoking around a pregnant woman and that has been shown to have adverse affects on the baby. Also what when the baby gets here? Their lungs are like butterflies wings.

I think ask a gp to talk to him about what it does to children etc.

It's selfish.

sullivlo

silverfeather wrote: »

I disagree he is smoking around a pregnant woman and that has been shown to have adverse affects on the baby. Also what when the baby gets here? Their lungs are like butterflies wings.

I think ask a gp to talk to him about what it does to children etc.

It's selfish.

But he's not smoking around a pregnant woman. He's smoking in secret.

ShaShaBear

I feel a bit sick at the amount of people that are suggesting he simply "stop" partaking in a drug addiction, like it's drinking too much milk straight from the carton.

Pregnant women are growing a life, which they are constantly reminded of by changes in their bodies and movements of the baby later on. Aside from that, many women find the smell repulsive and tend to feel extremely nauseous after the inhalation of smoke. Men don't have this - they don't have this constant reminder and they know that inhalation of smoke is not harming a baby as they are not the one carrying it. They also do not suddenly become repulsed by cigarette smoke once you become pregnant.

He's doing it in secret and trying very hard to keep it away from you. He obviously feels ashamed at not having succeeded in shaking a drug addiction and probably doesn't feel much better with your passive aggressive suggestions that he is making intentional choices to harm his child.

I was 20 weeks pregnant before my OH decided he wanted to quit. We went for a 3D scan, and he saw a beautiful little pudged-up face and was told it was his daughter. He cried with me for joy, and gave up the cigs that day. Our little girl is 10 months old now, so he has been off them for a total of 15 months and is very confident that it will stay that way

If your concerns go as far as third hand smoke on people's clothing, you will struggle to raise a child indoors. Urban areas are utterly bogged down with disgusting smoke and smog and you will have no right to tell strangers walking past you or standing around you that they need to move their habit away from your baby. Sure, you won't like it, and yes - the science shows the damage it can do, but we live in a very progressive and evolutionary world, where next to everything currently in the atmosphere can harm your lungs.

CaraMay

silverfeather wrote: »

I disagree he is smoking around a pregnant woman and that has been shown to have adverse affects on the baby. Also what when the baby gets here? Their lungs are like butterflies wings.

I think ask a gp to talk to him about what it does to children etc.

It's selfish.

How is he smoking around her if he's doing it in secret? If she seriously wants to protect her kids lungs then she will need to remove everyday cleaning products, johnsond baby products, never take a paracetamol while pregnant, not vaccinate her child. I would start there before picking on my husband who is smoking 3 cigarettes a day while away frOm me, the baby and the house.

cruais

Thanks for all of the replies.

I quit smoking 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant and it was my husband who planted that seed in my head when he said that he was sick of smoking and so we said we would quit together.

He didnt at that time and said he would get around to it which i didnt mind. Then i found out i was pregnant and he told me he would quit.

I am more hurt that he lied to my face telling me he has quit and feels great as a result. Why lie?

Im being honest. He is probably smoking in his car when i am not there. I dont want to go in his car now because of this. I am worried that he will continue to smoke in his car when the baby is born.

I just feel that for something so precious that he help make he should be making a consistent effort.

Hes perfectly able to smoke an ecig outside when he is home but when he is in work he is smoking real cigs. Plenty of people smoking ecigs have said they would never go back

My other point is we are struggling financially at the moment yet he feels free to spend that money on cigs.

Im fuming

CaraMay

You can't know he will smoke in the car with a kid. Is that legal?

The lying is bad but tbh you do come across as looking down on him for not doing what you've done.

You are already in mammy mode as you are carrying the baby. It might become more real for him when the baby arrives. I think it's harsh to complain about the money given you were smoking yourself until recently. Everyone deserves a treat - do you get your hair / nails done?

lollsangel

I quit smoking when I was pregnant. Cut down from 40 a day and totally quit by 6 months pregnant(I know its not great I smoked through my pregnancy but I was advised not to go cold turkey as I was over 2 months gone when I found out) my partner managed to quit when the kids were 3. I never told him to, after all I know how difficult it was to quit.
Op I quit because I was carrying our kids. They were inside me, it was me and me alone for those 9 months who was in charge of what they ingest. Its not the same for a man. Cut him some slack.
My partner only smoked at work after ours were born, never around the house or within half an hour of coming home. He'll eventually quit you know but nagging and guilt won't help.
Good luck with your pregnancy xxx

Kidchameleon

OP from your last post it would appear that for some period of time you smoked while pregnant. If there are any complications, I do hope you dont blame this poor chap exclusively. If I'm being blatantly honest, your coming off as a tad hypocritical. You complain that you guys are having financial problems and his smoking is costing money you don't have, yet you yourself were happy enough to smoke away until you found out you were pregnant.

Dolbert

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP from your last post it would appear that for some period of time you smoked while pregnant. If there are any complications, I do hope you dont blame this poor chap exclusively. If I'm being blatantly honest, your coming off as a tad hypocritical. You complain that you guys are having financial problems and his smoking is costing money you don't have, yet you yourself were happy enough to smoke away until you found out you were pregnant.

What are you talking about? She says she quit 2 weeks before she discovered that she was pregnant. In any case, trying to scare a pregnant woman about the health of her unborn baby is a pretty crappy thing to do .

IlmoNT4

As nagging and emotional blackmail isnt working for you, how about you support him. I'd be more worried that he felt he couldnt share that he was smoking with you.

It took me 7 years of on and off the smokes, to finally quit. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I read all the books, did everything.... its not easy....theres the physical side of it and what I discovered, a whole emotional and psychology side to addiction. This is different for everyone. You may have smoked for different reasons and it means something else for you. I think if you want to quit, you really have to want to. Without a doubt while he loves you and your baby, people dont quit for partners and babies, they quit for themselves. You quit for yourself (the baby was the trigger). Until he is ready to quit and fully understands his relationship with smoking then it may always creep back in. Try being supportive and talk to him about what is going on in his life that triggered smoking. No adult ever wants to be caught out like a school kid and given out to... think how you would feel if you were nagged like that, you would be angry and humiliated.

Heat_Wave

OP I think you are out of line here.

You managed to give up smoking and that's great. But some people find it exceptionally difficult and guilt tripping your husband will only cause him to light up. He's a grown man and he can make his own decisions.

I'm a non smoker btw.

ShaShaBear

Dolbert wrote: »

What are you talking about? She says she quit 2 weeks before she discovered that she was pregnant. In any case, trying to scare a pregnant woman about the health of her unborn baby is a pretty crappy thing to do .

Trying to scare your husband about the health of his unborn baby is a pretty crappy thing to do as well.
Plenty of women don't discover a pregnancy for months, so stopping two weeks before you find out doesn't make you not pregnant! She could have been smoking for weeks if not months. Shes worried about second hand smoke in the car but not the fumes that come out of the exhaust?

Dolbert

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Trying to scare your husband about the health of his unborn baby is a pretty crappy thing to do as well.
Plenty of women don't discover a pregnancy for months, so stopping two weeks before you find out doesn't make you not pregnant! She could have been smoking for weeks if not months. Shes worried about second hand smoke in the car but not the fumes that come out of the exhaust?

I'm questioning the poster's assertion that she had been smoking 'for some time' while pregnant, where she said no such thing I'm well aware that some women don't find out for a few months but it's hardly typical.

FWIW Op, I don't think badgering him about this is the right thing to do. You have quit and that's great. If you want him to quit and succeed, he'll need your support and understanding, right now he can't even admit to you that he's lapsed for fear of your reaction.

ShaShaBear

Dolbert wrote: »

I'm questioning the poster's assertion that she had been smoking 'for some time' while pregnant, where she said no such thing I'm well aware that some women don't find out for a few months but it's hardly typical.

FWIW Op, I don't think badgering him about this is the right thing to do. You have quit and that's great. If you want him to quit and succeed, he'll need your support and understanding, right now he can't even admit to you that he's lapsed for fear of your reaction.

Some time. Keeping in mind that by the time a pregnancy test shows positive, you are already 4 weeks pregnant. At least. Given the amount of women on a pill that removes the indicative period, many women do not find out until into the second month of pregnancy when symptoms start to present. Obviously a large amount of women either know they have missed a period and will test, or are waiting for a missed period and will test. But the facts remain that if she gave up 2 weeks before she tested positive, according to midwives and GPS, she was already 2 weeks pregnant and smoking during two weeks of pregnancy.

But that's neither here nor there really, because the grand outdoors is coated in other people's second hand smoke and giving her hubbie a hard time for struggling with a habit that she's inhaling every time she walks out the front door is a bit extreme. Then switching to complaining about the financial implications of smoking when she herself smoked until recently (and hinted at quitting for the pregnancy, not for the wallet) is quite hypocritical and sounds more like hormonal pregnancy raging than genuine concern over one particular issue.

Dolbert

I don't need a lesson in how early pregnancy works thanks, and this has nothing to do with tbe topic. Have you read the part where I'm actually on the husband's side here?

ShaShaBear

Dolbert wrote: »

I don't need a lesson in how early pregnancy works thanks, and this has nothing to do with tbe topic. Have you read the part where I'm actually on the husband's side here?

I have, and I was still pressing the facts about how, if people want to get technical over her smoking habits, she smoked while she was pregnant as well. You seemed to think it would be pretty crappy of us to point out that she could have harmed her baby by smoking while pregnant even though she did the same thing to her husband. The other poster pointed out that her post suggested she smoked for some time while pregnant, you didn't seem to agree. I was simply pointing out that, factually, she had to be.

Dolbert

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I have, and I was still pressing the facts about how, if people want to get technical over her smoking habits, she smoked while she was pregnant as well. You seemed to think it would be pretty crappy of us to point out that she could have harmed her baby by smoking while pregnant even though she did the same thing to her husband. The other poster pointed out that her post suggested she smoked for some time while pregnant, you didn't seem to agree. I was simply pointing out that, factually, she had to be.

She didn't 'factually' have to be. You can get a positive test 10 days after conception as I'm sure you're well aware. Saying it's automatically graded as 4 weeks for dating purposes is being deliberately obtuse and you know it.

Pregnancy isn't always rational. The OP could be experiencing anxiety or just having a difficult time of it. It's all too easy to jump down her throat but implying damage she might have done to her baby *before she knew about it* is a step too far (bollocks by the way OP- you didn't!).

And just so we're clear: I don't think she's in the right here, or being fair to her husband. Just saying a little empathy wouldn't go astray.

ShaShaBear

Dolbert wrote: »

She didn't 'factually' have to be. You can get a positive test 10 days after conception as I'm sure you're well aware. Saying it's automatically graded as 4 weeks for dating purposes is being deliberately obtuse and you know it.

Pregnancy isn't always rational. The OP could be experiencing anxiety or just having a difficult time of it. It's all too easy to jump down her throat but implying damage she might have done to her baby *before she knew about it* is a step too far (bollocks by the way OP- you didn't!).

And just so we're clear: I don't think she's in the right here, or being fair to her husband. Just saying a little empathy wouldn't go astray.

Empathy I have plenty of. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. I've had a baby before. And while I was pregnant with the first baby, my partner was smoking 15+ per day at my front door until I was 20 weeks pregnant. Never once did I try to suggest he was damaging his child, or try to put him down over wasting money that could be spent on the baby.
I myself am not suggesting she did any harm to her baby, knowingly or otherwise. But her standoffish attitude to not wanting to sit in the car that her partner smoked in maybe hours beforehand is downright excessive. She seems to be fixating on one thing and over-amplifying it to justify her feelings towards her husband. It's not healthy for either of them. And agreeing with you, I feel empathy, but it's for the husband at this stage. I might have been more sympathetic for her had she not jumped to change her stance on smoking to be about finances when she saw that everyone thought she was being too hard on him for damaging the baby's health with second and third hand smoke

skallywag

cruais wrote: »

I am just annoyed he wont quit for our baby

You can't successfully stop smoking for someone else in my opinion, it's only when you genuinely realise that you are doing it for yourself that you can really make an honest attempt at quitting.

mada82

OP you are being unreasonable and unsupportive.

cruais

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I might have been more sympathetic for her had she not jumped to change her stance on smoking to be about finances when she saw that everyone thought she was being too hard on him for damaging the baby's health with second and third hand smoke

I didnt jump to change my stance when i read peoples reactions.

Chloris

All the blaming and finger pointing and scaremongering in this thread...

The facts are:
1. Nicotine is a highly addictive drug
2. The mother did the right thing by quitting
3. Her husband is having difficulty quitting
4. She should encourage him to keep trying to quit, for the health of their baby

Would everyone stop calling her a terrible mother and worse. She's trying to do her best for her child and she and her partner are finding it difficult so she's looking for advice, not demoralising insults and blame.

lollsangel

mada82 wrote: »

OP you are being unreasonable and unsupportive.

I don't think she is. She just feels a bit betrayed. I do think she should cut him a little slack but its probably a bit of a stressful time too for her. I'm guessing he lied bcos he didn't want to let her down.

InTheTrees

SLightly different perspective here...

My OH and I have been long term smokers. We both quit 5+ years ago.

Quitting smoking is incredibly difficult. It will make people moody, irritable, short tempered, angry... etc etc. And not just for the few days after you've quit, the withdrawal agony can last at least 2/3 months.

My OH and I found that quitting together could be fraught with arguments and petty misunderstandings, and we tried and failed many times.

So I'm just throwing out the notion that the OP does deserve some extra sympathy because she is going through nicotine withdrawal in addition to all the hormonal changes that go along with pregnancy. Just because you have to quit doesnt mean that you get a pass from the chemical reactions that occur during withdrawal.

But she should also cut her husband some slack and understand that part of her feelings could be resentment (made much worse by the withdrawal) at the fact that he gets to quit at his own pace while it was forced on her.

Just a thought. My sympathies (and Congratulations!!) to you both!

Neyite

OP, I found that wanting to be healthy for a future pregnancy was enough of a reason for me to successfully quit. Nothing else worked - patches, inhalers, tablets, gum - you name it. I was such a heavy smoker I'd wake up in the middle of the night to smoke. But when I wanted - truly wanted to - I was able to quit because I wanted to. Just like you.

My partner promised he'd quit when I got pregnant. Then he said he'd quit before the baby was born. Then he said that he'd quit before the first birthday. Now every time he goes out for a smoke, our toddler is trying to look out the window at him so he is saying that he will quit soon as he doesnt want him to see him smoking.

I wont get mad. I remember all the times I swore I was quitting and bottled it. I know its tough to do. And I'm supportive and encouraging every time he mentions it. And I'll let him find HIS day to quit. It might be the scan. It might be the day he holds the baby in his arms. It might be further down the line. But it is up to him.

Say for instance, you both agree a drug free birth. No gas or air or epidural. Then when you go into labour, you change your mind or you bottle it. That's your choice to do so, regardless of his wishes, because you are the one doing the work. And he has to respect your decision and support you regardless of any private disappointment he might have.

Now, having said that, I do think that I'd be more mad about the lying and smoking in the car than the actual cigarettes. So talk to him, get him to promise not to lie anymore, and ask that the car is smoke free at all times. His smoking will not affect your pregnancy, as long as he keeps it out of the house and you will likely want him to wash hands /change clothes before holding the baby down the line. But for starters, you are both having a baby, that does mean your home will change - become smoke free and baby-safe in other areas, and he does need to get on board with that.

The Princess Bride

Firstly, well done ,OP on giving up smoking and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I'm rather shocked by so much negativity here- crazy really.
I don't care how difficult it might be to give up smoking, it is doable.
Your husband should quite simply try harder.

I worked in a neonatal ward some years ago, the smell of stale smoke from babygros in lockers was disgusting.The amount of parents I met in denial as to smoking being directly linked to their infant's illness was unbelievable.

Look after yourself and your baby, hopefully your husband will quit sooner rather than later.

No excuses-

beyondbelief67

I'm really shocked how people aren't realising that smoke on clothing can affect a baby's chest.
My granddaughter was in hospital recently as she has a heart murmur and the doctor and nurses had to keep trying to tell the parents of a child in the next cot not to wear the same clothes,after going down stairs for a cigarette, jacket etc while holding there baby, as he was on a nebulizer and it was making his chest worse.
in the end they agreed to changing jackets but only after the doctor threatened to call social services in to talk to them, as you could see the child coughing more when they held him after there coffee break it was very noticeable.
Yes it might take time but is worth it for your child. Not emotional blackmail, simply fact.