relationships

amie lee

My partner has just bought a house in a different county its where he is from and lives part time with his parents and me. Wants to live there cause its near work. But thing is he buying with his money and paying for it himself.he hopes it b our family home but I didn't get to see it or view it cause I live over 100 miles away but feel left out of decision never a thought what I think or feel he made an offer without even saying a word about it to me first. Its a bit maddening don't know what to think it doesn't feel like a family home its all his decissions.

Colser

Seems strange alright if you have discussed settling down together...how long are you going out with him?

FluffyAngel

were you consulted ? did ye talk about it?

how long are ye together?


the stock answer is that he is a human that can make his own descions and if he works for his money ,who am i to tell him what he can or cant do with his life ..


the downside for other people involded is lack of commuaction

Maybe telling them how you feel might be a good first step and having that converstation with him instead of the people on boards?

amie lee

Nearly 5 years have baby together

amie lee

Just asking people of boards for opinions and maybe some advice if it was justas easy as talking about it I wouldn't b here asking

Stavro Mueller

amie lee wrote: »

Just asking people of boards for opinions and maybe some advice if it was just as easy as talking about it I wouldn't be here asking

Right, so you're 5 years together and have a child. Yet you don't feel you can actually sit down and have a conversation about this??

How would you describe your relationship with your partner in general? I'm kinda stunned to read that you're together this long and have family of your own. Yet you were shut out of such a massive decision and the information handed to you as a done deal. You're expected to up and leave where you live and move to his without being included in the decision? It does make me wonder about the nature of your relationship, especially seeing as ye don't seem to be living together even.

In general who makes the decisions in this relationship? Is it him who calls the shots? Do you feel like you're not on an even footing or afraid that you'll lose him if you speak up? What he did isn't what happens in a normal healthy relationship but there is something about this which is ringing alarm bells for me .

Merkin

That's just completely bizarre. How can a unilateral decision be made on something so major? I'm unclear from your post whether you are cohabiting at the moment, it doesn't seem that way. Have you actually made plans to be together as a family? Why aren't you living together at the moment?

Colser

amie lee wrote: »

Nearly 5 years have baby together

And he bought a house that will be your family home without you even seeing it? Never heard of anything like that before tbh..Would you say that you have a good relationship or is he still acting like a single guy?

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, was the baby planned? It just sounds weird that its two parents live 100 miles apart and never moved in together. Did ye ever discuss it? Or even if not moving to his place, going to somewhere that'd be a compromise. Where you're living at the moment, do you have family and a job? If you've got a good relationship with your parents and have other family/friends you can talk to, I think you should confide in them. It'd be interesting to know what they think of your boyfriend and what their take on you moving is.

amie lee

He just assumes we will live together as a family in new house which I wasn't included with any part of decissions. He lives with his parents durning week its nearer to his work and drives to me at weekends or I go to his parents on bank holidays or Christmas or summer holidays we have never lived together because of his work

FurBabyMomma

This is completely bizarre. After 5 years and a baby together he ups and buys a house without giving you any say? I would find that completely unacceptable and controlling. You should both have a say in important decisions involving your relationship. You'll need to sit him down to explain what he's playing at and how you feel Op as I'd pretty much guarantee this is a unique situation to your fellow boardsies!

amie lee

We have talked about our future I've my own house and happy here where I am and he knows it I've said a million times. Just feels still left out of a major life decission maybe I might feel different in future but not if im left out of deciding on a house its so huge

Roselm

amie lee wrote: »

We have talked about our future I've my own house and happy here where I am and he knows it I've said a million times. Just feels still left out of a major life decission maybe I might feel different in future but not if im left out of deciding on a house its so huge

Do you own your house? And could he move jobs and move in with you?

amie lee

Yes I do and yes he could but can't find work here in my county has looked a bit

Addle

amie lee wrote: »

Yes I do and yes he could but can't find work here in my county has looked a bit

Do you work? Will/can you move?

CaraMay

I know another guy who did this to his fuancee but in fairness it is a fab house and only a few miles from where from they lived in Dublin.

Do you work op? Your partner sounds either very controlling or that he doesn't really care about you and his kid.
Do you have support where you live?

You haven't given us a lot of info

mada82

Do you work OP?
Do you own or rent your own house?

Stavro Mueller

It'd kind of hard to advise because there's a lot of missing information/unanswered questions here.

Why do you feel you can't sit down with your partner and discuss it? That is ringing loud alarm bells with me. Why did you have a child if you can't even agree on where to live? It's an utter mess to be honest. One or the other of you has to make a big sacrifice in order for ye to live together and that looks like it's further away than it ever was.

Have you asked him why he felt he had to buy this house in secret? It's a perfectly legitimate question to ask. What's he going to do to you if you ask him? Verbally abuse you?

Colser

Im guessing that you are digging your heels in here OP.You have a house and wont consider moving nearer his work (and thats your right)..He feels that he needs to buy a property now at his age but he knew you wouldnt be interested in it as you wont ever move into it so he went away and sorted it by himself.
Now you feel put out because he actually went ahead with it.
I could be all wrong on this but reading between the lines I think there may be a bit of a standoff taking place. Did you want him to move in with you and commute or do you maybe feel a little worried that he wont ever move in with you now that he has bought the house?
Apologies if Im off the mark here OP:)

amie lee

I have been living in my own house for 14 years not working at moment but will b going back soon I've loads of family 3 of whom are very sick 1 of these is dying its just too far away to travel every week if I moved plus id have no where to stay when id come to visit my family if I did move away. I know no one only his family which a week at a time is enough for me.

Stavro Mueller

So why can't you discuss it with him? Why did you have a child?

amie lee

I have a Million times

Stavro Mueller

Right, so he's not listening? Did he ever listen? Would you be better off just splitting up I wonder? You've dug your heels in and aren't moving. Neither is he by the looks of things. You don't seem to be capable of making joint decisions. Not a good omen for the future I'd have thought.

Addle

I'm reading your posts as neither of you are willing to compromise, even now that you have a child together?

Stheno

Addle wrote: »

I'm reading your posts as neither of you are willing to compromise, even now that you have a child together?

Same here doesn't sound like there's any future in it

Colser

Stheno wrote: »

Same here doesn't sound like there's any future in it

What would be the ideal solution in your own opinion OP and can you see it happening?

CaraMay

Stheno wrote: »

Same here doesn't sound like there's any future in it

Agreed. Sadly it looks like he is setting up his future, as he wants it, with or without you.

Wabbit Ears

Would you want to move in and have a full time relationship with someone who would exclude you from a house purchase? Seriously, buying a house is one of single most important events in a person's life and to exclude you from that. ... If you did not have a child with this guy would you have a relationship at all?