Are all the good ones taken?

LegacyUser

Maybe Im having a bit of a wobbly moment right now, but last night something happened and it was kind of like a cold bucket of water in the face. Im a man, 37, and I've noticed a bit of a pattern in my life. I meet a girl, I like her straight off the bat, but then find out that shes married or in a relationship already. I seem to have no interest in girls who are single and available. To be fair, its not the fact that they are single because I dont even know that when I meet them. Its an even playing field when I meet someone first,I dont know if theye in a relationship or not. But I as it turns out I always seem to be attracted to the person whos taken already and not at all to the single girl. I know freud would probably have a few things to say about that, but you either fancy someone or you dont.
This happened last night. Ive been doing this course with a friend and there was this dark haired girl who walked into the class and straight away I was like, holy crap she is gorgeous. Anyway there was some eye contact, a lot of touching and some flirting in the pub after class. But then last night she tells me shes been seeing some guy for a while. She confessed shes not so sure about the relationship, but I was thinking to myself, I did it again. Its funny because here I am flirting with her and theres this other girl in the class who has literally asked me out a couple of times(I didnt take her up on her offer). So my pattern is playing itself out literally in real time and in the one place. I just dont fancy the other girl who is single and available whereas the other dark haired girl does it for me big time.
I dont know where this leaves me. I dont want to get married, at least not right now. Same for kids. Im starting over with my life and Im in the middle of a career change. I'll be going back to college and hopefully I'll be doing something that I really love as opposed to a "Job" just to pay bills. But I seem to be out of synch with most people my age. I would like a girlfriend but it appears as though all the ones I like are already taken and all that remains are girls I dont fancy at all. I went to a wedding a few months ago and it was the same thing. The few single girls that were there I had zero interest in. I have no intention of settling but what happened at the class last night did make me think a bit, and I do feel a little concerned. Normally Im a pretty happy person. Im excited about the career change and I really enjoy my freedom. I have married friends and sometimes being around them and listening to them talk about married life with kids sends a shudder down my spine. I feel like, phew thank God thats not me. Sometimes though it would be nice to have somebody to be with. Not married with kids or anything but something in between.
But like I said my pattern seems to be repeating itself over and over and Im starting to really think that all the good ones are already taken.
Are all the good ones taken already?

rcarroll

From your post it sounds like you're attracted to a 'lighter' type of relationship, a bit of fun...maybe that's why you're not going for the available girls? Maybe you know deep down or get the sense from the single girls, that a lot (not all) would be looking for something more serious around this age (mid to late 30's) and you're not ready? Perhaps try dating websites and focus on girls that want the same as you?

Also, I find the same, I tend to be attracted to people in relationships but I think it's cos they're quite comfortable talking to you, there's no agenda behind it, and that in itself is very attractive...and a sad fact is the older you get, the smaller the pool, and although not the rule to any extent, I've found that yes, the good ones are often taken, I think if you're lucky enough to find that magic someone, who can offer all you want, you tend to hold on and not let them go

pookie82

Honestly, I find more and more from listening to my friends (ranging from late 20s to early 30s) that it’s all a massive lottery out there. You just so happen to constantly be attracted to girls who later turn out to be otherwise involved. That’s nothing more than really sh*tty luck in my book. As you pointed out, you’re attracted to them before they say they’re not free, so it’s not really a classic want-what-you-can’t-have, fear-of-commitment type thing.

Like all things left to chance, you have to believe that somehow, eventually, you’ll come up trumps and meet someone who’s both attractive to you AND available. I have the most amazing girlfriends who keep stumbling across guys who fear commitment, are still hung up on exes, or who play them like fiddles and are just generally quite flighty and misleading in their actions. After a few bouts of this kind of treatment, the girl inevitably turns in on herself and starts asking “what on earth is wrong with me?” The answer is “nothing”. You’ve just had bad luck so far. And if there’s nothing desperately obvious that they can change, then they just have to “hang in there” and hope a nice lad comes along with none of the above.

The above suggestion about dating sites is a good one. Generally (although not always, unfortunately) the people on those are single and actively looking. You'll date perfectly nice girls you feel nothing for, you might date girls you really like, who don't text you back after a date ... this is life. You just have to keep rolling with it, really.

Saralee4

I think it's a bit too much of a coincidence that all the women you are attracted to are taken. Two women were interested in you in the course. You probably flirted a bit with both at some stage? It seems you are set on the other one because she is taken. In some ways some of the things you write it sounds like the fact she is taken increases the attraction and in other lines it sounds possibly coincidental.

you mention a lot that you are happy being single and love your freedom so while you are attracted to them, you do not want anything serious. A married woman or woman in a relationship is already committed to someone so is ideal for you, you are keeping yourself safe from having to move to another level with her. When you want out, it's easy to walk away.

If you think it's possibly the case that it is the fact that she is taken that increases the attraction then there are a lot of reasons this could be the case.

1) excuse not to get serious and she probably won't want to get serious

2) proving to yourself that you are desirable as much as if not more than her husband even though you don't want that. Like as though you get pleasure knowing that you can't take the married woman if you want to. A bit of a one up on the husband

3) the taboo, dramatics and excitement of an affair.

4) you might feel more in the moment, don't have to stay the night, dont have to go out for dinner because her time is more limited

5) more attracted to her because another man wants her

There are many reasons.

Do you act on your attractions to these women or are you engaging in affairs physically? Emotionally?

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

The above suggestion about dating sites is a good one. Generally (although not always, unfortunately) the people on those are single and actively looking. You'll date perfectly nice girls you feel nothing for, you might date girls you really like, who don't text you back after a date ... this is life. You just have to keep rolling with it, really.

Good God no, I wouldnt go down the dating sites road. I have a friend who works in that industry and she said that if she was a man she'd steer well clear of dating sites.
I just realised my pattern is playing itself out in my dentists office as it happens. One of his assistants has asked me out for a drink a few times and Im just not interested, so Ive fobbed her off a good bit. But the girl at reception is someone I really fancy and again theres been a good bit of flirting going on between us. I dont know her relationship status so Im going into this blind. Im due back in a a couple of weeks and Im gonna find out if shes seeing someone or if shes single. My guess is shes in a relationship. If thats the case then I know for sure theres something psychological going on. But if it turns out that shes single then I reckon theres no hoodoo after all.
Does anyone else have this experience of dating?

pookie82

today54321 wrote: »

Good God no, I wouldnt go down the dating sites road. I have a friend who works in that industry and she said that if she was a man she'd steer well clear of dating sites.

Did she give you a reason???

I know a few couples who got together on dating sites. It's one way to avoid your current conundrum... you're far less likely to fall for anyone off a site who's already involved...

Neyite

I know a few very lovely couples who met on dating sites and are blissfully married now, and they are the soundest people I've met in a long time.

Rekop dog

Go out any weekend night in Dublin and there's plenty of interesting good looking single woman about, I'm struggling to see why you wouldn't find at least some of them attractive or worth approaching. Your posts come across a bit pathetic to be honest, its definitely a "you" issue.

LegacyUser

Rekop dog wrote: »

Go out any weekend night in Dublin and there's plenty of interesting good looking single woman about, I'm struggling to see why you wouldn't find at least some of them attractive or worth approaching. Your posts come across a bit pathetic to be honest, its definitely a "you" issue.

Ah now "Pathetic" is a bit OTT and judgemental to be fair. You are right though, there are lots of girls out on an average saturday night and Ive been there done that. But the thing is I do approach and guess what? Already taken. I was out last saturday night and there was a gang of girls sitting near our table. Some of the lads got stuck in and in general ran amuck. There was only one of those girls that I fancied. I went over to her,we got talking and.........she had a boyfriend. This happens all the time. So its not a case of me not finding girls attractive, I do, but the ones I do fancy are already spoken for, thats the problem.
As for the reasons why I wouldnt internet date. Im not gonna get into a lot of detail because I think the thread would get sidetracked, but what my friend told me was that the failure rate was in the 90% bracket and as a man you are fighting a losing battle because the men out number the women by a factor of at least 3-1. Which means a good looking bloke would struggle to get the attention of an even average looking girl who receives a lot of messages every day. Youre better off going out into the real world and approaching people face to face(those are her words not mine). And Im ok with that, I dont like balls, I will approach, but my point is I seem to be only attracted to girls already in relationships.

Saralee4

If you are looking for women of say 30 plus then a lot of them are going to be gone. A lot of women at that age are settling down or settled down and you are not in that place right now.

There is no difference between the looks of a single woman or a married woman. The difference is the status and your perception. Of course there are attractive single women.

I imagine the "pathetic" comment is referring to the fact that you are essentially causing this issue yourself and it does come across as "poor me, I can't get the attractive girl that I want to sleep with but don't want a real relationship with".

strobe

"I have a boyfriend" is a handy and common way of letting someone down gently when they are interested in you and you don't want to hurt their feelings by saying you aren't interested in them. The fact that you never meet a single girl that you are attracted to might be explained, at least in part, by that?

Redser87

Sounds to me as if this might be starting to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have noticed this pattern, which as another poster said seems like crappy luck. Now you expect it to happen so when it does, it just confirms that your prophecy was in fact correct.
This could be a dangerous way to think. All the good ones are taken --> This one is married so she must be great, why can't I have her?/ This one is single, she must therefore not be much good because she is not taken.

Typer Monkey

I'm trying to think of a tactful way of saying this but...are you approaching/attracted to women who are 'in your league'?

Also I'd imagine that the pool of available women will naturally become smaller in their mid/late 30's as most people would tend to have settled down by that stage of life. Maybe you should focus on younger women?

pookie82

strobe wrote: »

"I have a boyfriend" is a handy and common way of letting someone down gently when they are interested in you and you don't want to hurt their feelings by saying you aren't interested in them. The fact that you never meet a single girl that you are attracted to might be explained, at least in part, by that?

I'll second this, I've been guilty of it in the past when I'm completely single ... it's a really quick and easy way to ward off someone you're simply not interested in and don't know how else to let them down without them sidetracking your night ...

As for the internet dating thing, you seem to be going off the advice of one person and discounting all of the people it works for. What's the harm in trying it? If you find it's not for you after a few dates then just close the account and back to basics. At least you tried.

This line threw me a bit:

"Which means a good looking bloke would struggle to get the attention of an even average looking girl who receives a lot of messages every day."

The likes of tinder allows you to select only people you find attractive. So you won't be inundated with attention from females you wouldn't like the look of in the first place. You can't "match" and chat with anyone you haven't already approved.

It's a really superficial app in that sense and it sounds like it'd be perfect for you...

Colser

Im a bit confused OP...are you actually looking for a girlfriend or not? You dont want kids or marriage,you are in the middle of a career change..what type of relationship are you actually looking for? Just casual is it?

LegacyUser

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I'm trying to think of a tactful way of saying this but...are you approaching/attracted to women who are 'in your league'?

Also I'd imagine that the pool of available women will naturally become smaller in their mid/late 30's as most people would tend to have settled down by that stage of life. Maybe you should focus on younger women?

No I consider myself to be pretty good looking, so the women I approach would definitely not be out of my league. Besides I don't believe in leagues, if you're attracted to someone, you just go for it. You don't sit around thinking to yourself, Gosh I fancy her but she's just too darn attractive. I think if you do that you're selling yourself out. I have had success though, with very attractive girls. They did have boyfriends, which I didn't know about at the time, I'd only find out after.
As for girls saying they have boyfriends just to get me to go away.........it has never happened. I find out for sure. Like that girl I was talking to last Saturday, it's a small world and I know someone who knows her and it was confirmed that she has a boyfriend.
I'm not really focusing on women in their 30s, but to be honest, you like who you like. I don't buy in to the age thing. I think it's too totalitarian to say that you must date within a certain age bracket. I've dated women in their 30s, women in their 20s and a 19 year old. Out of all of them the 19 year old was the person I got on with the best. She was a really great person.
I dunno maybe it is a self fulfilling prophesy. But look it's a wobble like I said. I'll let things play themselves out and I'll look into why I'm on the fence. I think that's probably the real crux of the matter.

shamrock2004

today54321 wrote: »

I have married friends and sometimes being around them and listening to them talk about married life with kids sends a shudder down my spine. I feel like, phew thank God thats not me. Sometimes though it would be nice to have somebody to be with. Not married with kids or anything but something in between.

its funny how you mention freud. Freud said we all subconsciously have an 'id' which is our inner child which just wants pleasure all the time.

Trying to connect the dots here. The quote above tells me that you may have commitment issues? Were you hurt in a relationship in the past? Perhaps this is why you arent attracted to the single girls as you think they all want the same thing - marriage and kids. But not all of them do. This also tells me why you like the non-single girls - you dont have to make a commitment as they are already (in some shape or form) committed to someone and won't have to commit to you either.

Have you ever made your intentions clear to a single girl? "I have no intention of settling". You mentioned you have no intention of settling. By doing so, maybe you will find that girl with the same intentions as you.

Katgurl

I think he meant not settling for someone he doesn't really like. I think you are massively insecure OP and need validation for anyone you like; this comes in the form of someone else wanting them too. You mentioned a girl in your class asking you out and a woman at the dentist's. I 100% agree you should not bother with people you genuinely aren't attracted to but in my experience women don't ask men out unless they got some sort of signals. Therefore I am guessing you were flirting with them but lost interest when you found out they were available

shamrock2004

Katgurl wrote: »

I think he meant not settling for someone he doesn't really like.

He cant seem to pin point why he doesnt like single girls. He needs to try and answer that question. I think if he can do that then it will help him come aroubnd to the idea of being attracted to single girls again maybe.

Colser

today54321 wrote: »

No I consider myself to be pretty good looking, so the women I approach would definitely not be out of my league. Besides I don't believe in leagues, if you're attracted to someone, you just go for it. You don't sit around thinking to yourself, Gosh I fancy her but she's just too darn attractive. I think if you do that you're selling yourself out. I have had success though, with very attractive girls. They did have boyfriends, which I didn't know about at the time, I'd only find out after.
As for girls saying they have boyfriends just to get me to go away.........it has never happened. I find out for sure. Like that girl I was talking to last Saturday, it's a small world and I know someone who knows her and it was confirmed that she has a boyfriend.
I'm not really focusing on women in their 30s, but to be honest, you like who you like. I don't buy in to the age thing. I think it's too totalitarian to say that you must date within a certain age bracket. I've dated women in their 30s, women in their 20s and a 19 year old. Out of all of them the 19 year old was the person I got on with the best. She was a really great person.
I dunno maybe it is a self fulfilling prophesy. But look it's a wobble like I said. I'll let things play themselves out and I'll look into why I'm on the fence. I think that's probably the real crux of the matter.

How is that even possible?

beks101

I smell commitment issues. You're 37, not looking for anything serious along the lines of a long-term partner, marriage and kids...you're seemingly put off by any woman who expresses romantic interest in you...and your best relationship to-date seems to have been with a 19 year old? At 37??

I think I may have met a few chaps like you in my time. Always chasing gold dust, compelled by the fact that they can't have it. Or maybe it's just a coincidence, or the general odds that the most attractive woman in any room is likely to have a boyfriend. That's how the cookie crumbles. Especially in Ireland, where the coupling up in a general sense is done by early 30s or so.

I think you should 1. give online dating a shot before dismissing it out of hand. It's how a LOT of couples meet these days and it generally clears the "are you single..?" awkwardness out of the way right off the bat (though LOL at some of the stories I hear). Try Tinder as someone suggested. Or one of the paying sites if the others are too seeped in bullsh1t for you.

And 2. keep approaching women you are attracted to. Open your mind to the ones that hit on you. I've surprised myself in the past by giving lads I probably wouldn't have been initially drawn to a shot and especially as I got older, the courage and balls and motivation that it took to approach me and lay their cards on the table became a real pull towards the kind of person I ultimately wanted to be with.

Colser

Tiger Tank wrote: »

Just to avoid confusion I'd like to point out that not wanting commitment is not a "commitment issue".

In reality most beautiful women have some guy of they are seeing to some degree, I find they treat men like monkeys do branches. So to enter a relationship with these women you should continue advancing the interaction despite the fact the said they had a boyfriend. Beautiful women usually have two reasons they say they have boyfriends, either to get rid of you or to inform you of the fact so you can be discrete in how you advance the interaction.

Honestly OP I find that ridiculous..and beautiful women cant help being beautiful..They sometimes genuinely have boyfriends that they are very happy with..

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

I smell commitment issues. You're 37, not looking for anything serious along the lines of a long-term partner, marriage and kids...you're seemingly put off by any woman who expresses romantic interest in you...and your best relationship to-date seems to have been with a 19 year old? At 37??

I think I may have met a few chaps like you in my time. Always chasing gold dust, compelled by the fact that they can't have it. Or maybe it's just a coincidence, or the general odds that the most attractive woman in any room is likely to have a boyfriend. That's how the cookie crumbles. Especially in Ireland, where the coupling up in a general sense is done by early 30s or so.

I think you should 1. give online dating a shot before dismissing it out of hand. It's how a LOT of couples meet these days and it generally clears the "are you single..?" awkwardness out of the way right off the bat (though LOL at some of the stories I hear). Try Tinder as someone suggested. Or one of the paying sites if the others are too seeped in bullsh1t for you.

And 2. keep approaching women you are attracted to. Open your mind to the ones that hit on you. I've surprised myself in the past by giving lads I probably wouldn't have been initially drawn to a shot and especially as I got older, the courage and balls and motivation that it took to approach me and lay their cards on the table became a real pull towards the kind of person I ultimately wanted to be with.

Ha ha I know the 19 year old thing looks not so great on the surface but I don't judge people by their number, only by how they make me feel around them. For a brief moment I stopped and thought about it but then that's social conditioning trying to over ride your heart. I just find it amazing how someone would feel a certain way about a person and then argue themselves out of it because of fear of being judged by society. The thing is I thought she was 25 when I met her and it was only later I found out she was actually 19. I wasn't trying to avoid commitment by being with a girl who wasn't looking to get married, I was just rolling with it and allowing things to play themselves out naturally. I don't look at people like that, I just take them as they are, I don't think about who might want to get married or wouldn't, I don't think that far ahead, that's too intense and off putting. Like I said I judge people on how they make me feel, the vibe they give off. She got a scholarship to the states so that's why we called it quits but I'm still in touch with her and she's still a cool girl, no matter what her age is.

I'm not going to try Internet dating though. What my friend said about it would definitely put ne off completely. And she works for one of the biggest dating sites in the world. She has the inside track on what they're really about and if she's telling me to avoid them then I gotta listen to that. Besides I really enjoy approaching face to face. When a girl enters a room you can just get a sense of her, it's a vibe thing. You can't get that from a photo and some text, that's why online dating is inherently flawed.

Yes I think the inner child thing could be an issue. Or as it's called now the inner chimp, from the chimp paradox.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

I think he meant not settling for someone he doesn't really like. I think you are massively insecure OP and need validation for anyone you like; this comes in the form of someone else wanting them too. You mentioned a girl in your class asking you out and a woman at the dentist's. I 100% agree you should not bother with people you genuinely aren't attracted to but in my experience women don't ask men out unless they got some sort of signals. Therefore I am guessing you were flirting with them but lost interest when you found out they were available

If I thought you were right about that I'd admit it, but you have to realise that I don't know these girls have boyfriends before I like them. It's not like I meet them and they tell me they are in a relationship and all of a sudden I think they're hot. And by the same token I don't know the single girls are single initially either, so it is an even playing field at the start.
As for flirting with single girls.......I don't, at least not consciously. I talk to most girls in a fun way, like banter with them. I hate overly formal, boring, matter of fact conversations. With the girl in the dentists office, I just talked to her like I'd talk to a mate, that was it. I wasn't interested in her from the get go, so it's not like she asked me out for a drink and then all of a sudden I lost interest.

Hombre Lobo

I wouldn't completely dismiss online dating OP. it's just another avenue that you can still use while meeting other people out in public face to face.

If it's a physical attraction thing that gets you interested at first with a woman then at least with online dating you can see some pictures of them prior to engaging in a conversation or meetup. And you'll know they are already single if they are using the site too (or at least the should be!). Granted there can be a lot of messers and time wasters on some online dating sites but there are also genuine seekers too.

I'm not really sure what inside knowledge your friend would have working for a big online dating site other than the usual above about timewasters, people setting up duplicate accounts and just people looking for hookups. They can't exactly track what happens between two people when they go out on a date and get to know each other.

You'll generally have better luck with a paid service as it will help filter out most of the timewasters or people setting up duplicate accounts.

beks101

I'd agree with the chemistry-not-being-tangible-through-a-computer-screen side of things and that was what turned me right off online dating. That and the hook-uppy, window-shopping, "Next!" mentality of the whole thing.

If it's not for you, I can totally understand that - all I'm saying is, perhaps a bit of field research to back-up your ideas of it wouldn't be a bad idea Do some research, find out which site/app gets the best reviews, throw up a profile for a week and roll with the punches. Absolutely nothing to lose.

Perhaps what you're dealing with is just a demographics, luck of the draw scenario. The hot girl who's late 20s/early 30s; the one who chats away without trying to impress you too much because she's already spoken for and that in turn translates to a more laid-back, confident, perhaps friendly and seemingly-forward type because there's nothing at stake for her as it were.

I've actually had this conversation before with friends and we've all said - both male and female - that we get hit on and approached and asked out a lot more inside relationships than we ever did when we were single.

From my perspective, I go out now to have a laugh, meet some new people, talk to anyone and everyone and I'm probably more approachable because I'm not remotely self-conscious or interested in hooking up with anyone. I find it's actually easier to get along with guys with that mentality because there's a safety in knowing that absolutely nothing ever would or could happen, but some single guys might misinterpret that as interest or flirting because they don't know my relationship status.

You sound like a pretty confident guy, so perhaps it's that mutual confidence and carefree tendency to chat away that you're drawn to?

buried

I felt the same as you did about the whole online dating scene OP, in some ways I still do but at the same time it is a way to meet women that are actually seeking some sort of potential relationship. Its actually good to go into online dating with the notion that nothing may develop out of it as that will put you in a more relaxed frame of mind, clearly seeing which dates may have potential for the future and which will not. And a great many of the dates from the online world will not have that potential for a proper relationship but one somewhere might. y'know? Don't dismiss it out of hand on the word from one of your mates who works in that industry, they probably see it as a job with nothing but stats. You could probably get lucky on it and there's no stats for luck. You'll never know unless you go for it! Good luck man, you sound like a decent person, you'll get there eventually, no doubt!

Saralee4

Op after reading your other posts, I don't think you see this as an issue?

You say you don't have commitment issues, not insecure, in fact you seem overly confident. You don't want anything serious with anyone and you have said that's what makes you happy so if you meet a woman and your attracted to her and she is attracted to you and it turns out she is married what do you care? or are you saying it is a moral issue for you that's the problem?

Ann84

Op, what you want and all that is fine - honestly, if imagine it's hard enough to find a woman in her 30's who isn't looking for stable relationship with the potential of marriage and kids... So, with this in mind, can you consider not what you say or your perspective but that of women who see and interact with you...

As much as you keep an eye out for potential partners/ good looking women... So do single women, so why are they not grabbing your attention? Why are they not reeling you in so to speak?
I used to chat to gorgeous guys and within 30 seconds had established all they wanted was the craic, and at that stage I knew I wanted more... It's not what they said, because they would sell the moon and stars... It was more their attitude, dress... And little comments... Maybe references to non commitle hobbies like a lot of soccer and 'the lads' talk, I actually can't point it out, I just knew!

In summary, I'm not sure all the good ones are taken, but maybe all the good ones who don't want marriage and kids!

Ps - this is the kind of stuff that would make me run a mile... And you wouldn't even realise your saying it, but it would come across...
" I really enjoy my freedom. I have married friends and sometimes being around them and listening to them talk about married life with kids sends a shudder down my spine. "

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

I've actually had this conversation before with friends and we've all said - both male and female - that we get hit on and approached and asked out a lot more inside relationships than we ever did when we were single.

From my perspective, I go out now to have a laugh, meet some new people, talk to anyone and everyone and I'm probably more approachable because I'm not remotely self-conscious or interested in hooking up with anyone. I find it's actually easier to get along with guys with that mentality because there's a safety in knowing that absolutely nothing ever would or could happen, but some single guys might misinterpret that as interest or flirting because they don't know my relationship status.

Yeah absolutely. Although I could be wrong about the online thing because I was thinking to myself, I kinda like this girl, even though I've only read some of her words on a screen. Although it could be that you're taken and my pattern repeats again

LegacyUser

buried wrote: »

You'll never know unless you go for it! Good luck man, you sound like a decent person, you'll get there eventually, no doubt!

Cheers man I appreciate it, that's a cool thing to say.

LegacyUser

Ann84 wrote: »

Op, what you want and all that is fine - honestly, if imagine it's hard enough to find a woman in her 30's who isn't looking for stable relationship with the potential of marriage and kids... So, with this in mind, can you consider not what you say or your perspective but that of women who see and interact with you...

As much as you keep an eye out for potential partners/ good looking women... So do single women, so why are they not grabbing your attention? Why are they not reeling you in so to speak?

Ps - this is the kind of stuff that would make me run a mile... And you wouldn't even realise your saying it, but it would come across...
" I really enjoy my freedom. I have married friends and sometimes being around them and listening to them talk about married life with kids sends a shudder down my spine. "

But surely a lot of woman in their 30s aren't looking for a serious relationship, marriage and kids???? I thought that was just a joke they use in rom-coms. I'm not saying that ultimately people aren't open to that but surely you don't walk around with a marriage and kids mindset from the get go? That's too intense and off putting, for both sexes I'd say.

That's fair enough that you might be put off by someone saying the lives of their married friends send a shudder down their spine. I gotta be honest about that, I do hear and see what goes on with married with kids and a lot of the time I walk away thinking I've dodged a bullet. If someone doesn't want anything to do with me because of that then that's ok. I think it's important to be authentic. Having said that the door is open. I'm not saying I would never have kids or get married, I leave myself the option on that. Just not until I really feel, absolutely, 100% without any doubt, like I'm ready and it's what I want. I think it's crazy to get married and have children unless you're sure that it's what you want.
I dunno I think I'm actually looking for someone who's easy going and not intensely caught up in the pursuit of a life partner. Someone who's willing to let things play themselves out and see where it goes as opposed to someone actively seeking a husband. Surely there are a fair amount of women like that? Or are they all really looking to get married from the get go?

Ann84

Op - I'm not saying women are all women, and I'm not saying they plan the wedding from the get go... But...
Your not 30, your 37 and your attitude would put me off straight away because your super par removed from wanting those things and that is off putting!!!
I'd expect that attitude from guys in their 20's and wouldn't bat an eyelid but unfortunately your not there anymore and neither are the women in your age bracket...
Meeting a guy in you mid 30's as a woman who wants kids... It's not that you immediately start planning a wedding, but you are more concious of who you invest your time in and their attitudes towards things like settling down... There is a pretty obvious reason for this - a biological time limit!!

When I met my now fiancée we were both 28 and we were together 6 months when we had 'the talk' about marriage and kids but he always said it was something he wants from day 1 and he was close to family and just gave off responsible vibes... It was another 3 years before he proposed but I knew we were on the same page all along if that makes sense...!

Had he said stuff like you and had your attitude I don't think I would have felt as secure in the relationship...
And I was 28... Couldn't imagine how off putting it would be if I was 35 and wanted kids...

All i am saying is maybe you need to think long and hard about what a 'good one' is to you and what you have to offer them... You can't have it every way... You can't have a woman who wants kids but go around witha carefree family allergic attitude... Just consider how you are being perceived is all!

Flippyfloppy

today54321 wrote: »

Yeah absolutely. Although I could be wrong about the online thing because I was thinking to myself, I kinda like this girl, even though I've only read some of her words on a screen. Although it could be that you're taken and my pattern repeats again

The whole point of her post was that she is taken!!?

CaraMay

Op I think a lot of women will have encountered lots if men like yourself during their dating lives and while the night enjoy the bit of crack and flirtation they do ultimately want you to know they have boyfriends and that it will go no further.

The way I see it is that you don't want a relationship but want to meet a girl (which is fine) yet you aren't happy when they don't take you seriously.

The bottom line is you like when they are unavailable as they give off certain vibes so it sounds like the very think that attracts you also irritates you.

That can't be easy for you.

LegacyUser

Ann84 wrote: »

Op - I'm not saying women are all women, and I'm not saying they plan the wedding from the get go... But... <SNIP>

You do make some good points and they have made me think about things in a more rounded way. You're right, I am super far removed from wanting marriage and kids. It's not even on my radar. I have so many things I'm doing and want to do with my life, that I don't even think about it. But that's not to say that the door is closed. Like I'm not walking up to every girl I find attractive and start telling her that I don't ever want to be married with kids. I'll do all of that when I'm ready, when I really feel it at a gut level. I think it's too oppressive and one size fits all mentality to say that, you're 37 so therefore you must want marriage and kids now. I don't buy into that. And maybe a one people do. Maybe a lot of people do, and while I've been going about life in a laid back relaxed way, everyone else has been out looking for a wife\husband and had a laser like focus about dating. That's just not me.

One other thing struck me and that's what you said about the guy you ended up with, and him telling you he wanted kids fairly quickly but also him being close to his own family. There could be something significant here because I don't come from a close family at all. There was never at any stage any closeness and my parents got divorced when I was 10. After that it just sort of imploded and I haven't seen my sisters for 7 years. I have 2 nephews but I've never seen them. Again, there's just nothing there in terms of a family unit, there never was. Maybe that's why it's not something I even consider because it was this thing that wasnt positive or something I wanted to create for myself. Like I have zero contact with children in my every day life, so maybe that's how it works, you are exposed to kids, nephews nieces etc and you have first hand experience of what that's like and you decide you'd want kids yourself. I don't have that first hand experience so there's nothing to Base a decision on, emotionally or otherwise.

LegacyUser

today54321 wrote: »

You do make some good points and they have made me think about things in a more rounded way. You're right, I am super far removed from wanting marriage and kids. It's not even on my radar. I have so many things I'm doing and want to do with my life, that I don't even think about it. But that's not to say that the door is closed. Like I'm not walking up to every girl I find attractive and start telling her that I don't ever want to be married with kids. I'll do all of that when I'm ready, when I really feel it at a gut level. I think it's too oppressive and one size fits all mentality to say that, you're 37 so therefore you must want marriage and kids now. I don't buy into that. And maybe a one people do. Maybe a lot of people do, and while I've been going about life in a laid back relaxed way, everyone else has been out looking for a wife\husband and had a laser like focus about dating. That's just not me.

You don't seem to get that women have a limited fertility window! That's why there's the 'social pressure', as you seem to see it, for people to get married and have kids. If you start dating a woman of your age or a few years younger, it's very likely that she'll want some sort of commitment or at least a conversation about where the relationship is going, so she doesn't end up being 45 and infertile and you deciding that you're still not ready.

I'm pretty sure most people would like to delay the marriage and family thing, but they have the cop on to realise that woman aren't fertile forever. If you're giving out signals that you're years off settling down, most women are going to give you a wide berth and find someone who is willing to settle down and have kids before they lose the chance completely.

Being a man makes the fertility thing easy for you, but the older you get, the more you're going to have to stick with younger women who have more time to waste before they decide whether or not they want to settle down and have kids. Or those who have no other options. You're coming across as quite immature and selfish to me, as if you want to have your cake and eat it. As a woman in her thirties who hopes to have children, I'd run a mile from you.

rcarroll

here's one way of looking at things, from a possible future gf's perspective...

It sucks to go through a break-up, have you ever had a relationship end? It really really sucks and hurts a hell of a lot, lays you flat for a few months and leaves you a little shaken, in your confidence, in your sense of self, your security in the future, all of the messy stuff.

So why pick someone where that is so obviously on the cards? After having my heart broken a few times, I'm a lot shyer to give the 'jack the lad', I-just-wanna-have-fun, why rush things brigade a chance...yes, relationships can develop with those guys, but 9/10 times, it won't. I'm in my early 30's, I'm not seeking marriage straight away or kids, but I also don't want to waste time on someone who at this age, still wants to take things at a snails pace. You know what you want, you've had experience. So while it's fine to take things slow and let things develop, you have to know that they WILL develop, or what's the point?

Most of the women in relationships that you tend to meet, have that...they're secure, so they don't mind relaxing and chatting to guys, they probably get that air of casualness from you, but because they have a partner already, they don't mind, it's not on their radar.

The single girls probably pick it up, through comments you make, and probably tone down the flirting - you might think you're not interested in the single girls, but maybe it's because really, they stop giving you feedback/flirting/having the craic when they realise what you're projecting...so it might not be all just you...the dynamic might be there with taken girls that isn't with single girls cos of the vibes you project.

As for online dating...it's very much potluck. Some dates are nice, most are 'meh', I've yet to meet anyone worthwhile on it. However, it's a great place for single, non-commitment fun. It might be what will work best for you.

Good luck, and don't give up - sometimes you can be on an unlucky streak for a while, it's not always to do with you, but it's definitely a good time to take stock of who you are, what you want and see are there things you can work on.

themissymoo

I totally relate to you, OP. I was the exact same. I thought all the "good ones" were taken too, or else I always liked gay men. It was so frustrating.

It turned out that it was all to do with my mentality. Sure, consciously I never had a clue who was gay or taken, but subconsciously, who knows what was going on. My friends would laugh about it, because it was happening every single time I liked someone. Then I started looking after myself, going to counselling, building my confidence, forgetting about even meeting someone, concentrating on me and a few months later, it stopped happening. It was like my head blocking me because I was afraid and didn't believe I should meet someone. Now, the men I like are (mostly) straight and single.

Also, I just want to add that when someone is in a relationship, they may act differently (friendlier, more open) towards you because there's no chance of you both getting together (I can't remember what it's actually called, but it's a thing).

Look after yourself and just try to enjoy life. You'll figure out what you want and you'll get there and get her.

LegacyUser

30slady wrote: »

Being a man makes the fertility thing easy for you, but the older you get, the more you're going to have to stick with younger women who have more time to waste before they decide whether or not they want to settle down and have kids. Or those who have no other options. You're coming across as quite immature and selfish to me, as if you want to have your cake and eat it. As a woman in her thirties who hopes to have children, I'd run a mile from you.

Thats ok, run for the hills, I get it. I'd probably be running in the opposite direction though. Although just because someone isnt ready to settle down and have children doesn't mean they're Immature or selfish. Thats a one size fits all mentality and not everyone plays by those rules(Kate Bolick talks a lot about this in her writings) Granted a lot of people do, but that doesnt mean they're mature or even right, it just means they're making choices that suit them. Same for people who dont want to get married or who arent ready to go down that road, they're not selfish or wrong, just making decisions that are in line with their intuition and gut feelings.
I do hear the limited fertility point though. Maybe its something I'll never truly undestand, in fact I know I'll never get it. It wont make a difference to how I present myself though. I would always be honest and say exactly where Im at, that the door is open for marriage and children but its something I'll only do when I feel ready. And maybe that will send a lot of women in their 30s running in the opposite direction.........so be it. Like I said Im not ready for that and to pretend otherwise would be dishonest but also a recipe for disaster. I do get along really well with younger women anyway so it kind of fits nicely.
I suppose this is the answer to my question though, that a lot of women are thinking long term serious reltionship, marriage and children.

LegacyUser

themissymoo wrote: »

It was like my head blocking me because I was afraid and didn't believe I should meet someone.

This is a good point. Id say there is a lot going on thats unconscious. I think for me it could be that Im afraid of surrendering my freedom more than anything else. So Im not so much walking around worrying that I wont meet someone, more so worrying that I'll feel claustophobic, smothered or bored, in a relationship. And so subconsciously Im selecting women who are safe, that I know some guy has the responsibility already of being a relationship with them and I can relax and flirt a bit and have fun without having to go any further. AT the same time though maybe its possible to meet someone that I wouldnt feel smothered by or trapped, that I;d want to be with them and surrender some freedom willingly?

LegacyUser

Would you consider looking to older women? Ones who doesn't want kids (or possibly already has them/is too old for them) or are divorced and looking for a bit of fun and someone to make them feel good about themselves without getting tied down?

Might suit you better than younger girls.

kylith

today54321 wrote: »

But surely a lot of woman in their 30s aren't looking for a serious relationship, marriage and kids???? I thought that was just a joke they use in rom-coms. I'm not saying that ultimately people aren't open to that but surely you don't walk around with a marriage and kids mindset from the get go? That's too intense and off putting, for both sexes I'd say.

Yes, as a woman in her 30s who wants children and would like to get married I specifically look for men who want the same thing. I do not have the time to waste on 'Ah, maybe someday in the future' guys. Even women I know who would have been on the fence, or not planning to have kids have focussed their approach now that time has become a pressing issue. That does not mean that I meet a guy and say 'Do you want children' as soon as we've shaken hands, but it means that I will consciously avoid the good-time-guys in pubs.

There are, of course, women in their 30s who do not want children but, in my experience, the majority of women in their 30s do, and will not bother with you.

Regarding your initial query; you may be subconsciously drawn to women who are giving out signals that they are taken. Or they may not be taken but are telling you that they are in order to get you to leave them alone.

Really, the best way to find a woman in the age bracket you are looking for who is not looking to settle down would be to move into online dating, either on a dating site or one of the casual hook up sites. That way you can be sure that she is after the same thing as you.

Flippyfloppy

In fairness this post seems to be going around in circles and I'm quite confused at what exactly the issue/problem is here.

You ask are all the good ones taken....so in your eyes the good ones are the women in committed relationships. Yet you want one of these women but you want her to morph into no strings attached fun?

It's clearly obvious why you're attracted to these women...due to the signals of 'non interest' they're giving you.

So moving on from that, what you're looking for is non committal fun. In this day in age the place to find that is Tinder or similar...it's the new way to meet people. Also meeting girls who are in their 20s, but you seem to have already done that. So I fail to see what else can be said here apart continuing to chat with everybody about the wonders of the mind; attracting you to all the taken women? Perhaps the gentlemans club or after hours might before suitable!

Also , even if a woman in her 30's looking to settle down meets you she's not automatically going to want a wedding and kids with you! Don't be so afraid of these cunning women coming 'taking your freedom' - women have standards too you know.

Saralee4

Yes agreed with flippyfloppy! This is a non issue it seems for op and i think the advice given has been relatively good. Had it been a woman posting the responses i believe would have been much different especially if she was saying such things as op has about how he likes to be with the married woman and feels relief that "responsibility" lies with her husband.

basically your going out of your way, to get with married women having no genuine concern for the woman or the husband whose relationship you are interferring in. Not one of your posts have mentioned this.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

In fairness this post seems to be going around in circles and I'm quite confused at what exactly the issue/problem is here.

I think youre doing a bit of back seat moderating there. From my end of things this thread has been really informative and helpful(and continues to be so). I dont feel its going around in circles, I read all the comments and find that Im getting information and a side of the story I wouldnt have gotten before. So its fine by me.

LegacyUser

today54321 wrote: »

Thats ok, run for the hills, I get it. I'd probably be running in the opposite direction though. Although just because someone isnt ready to settle down and have children doesn't mean they're Immature or selfish. Thats a one size fits all mentality and not everyone plays by those rules(Kate Bolick talks a lot about this in her writings) Granted a lot of people do, but that doesnt mean they're mature or even right, it just means they're making choices that suit them. Same for people who dont want to get married or who arent ready to go down that road, they're not selfish or wrong, just making decisions that are in line with their intuition and gut feelings.
I do hear the limited fertility point though. Maybe its something I'll never truly undestand, in fact I know I'll never get it. It wont make a difference to how I present myself though. I would always be honest and say exactly where Im at, that the door is open for marriage and children but its something I'll only do when I feel ready. And maybe that will send a lot of women in their 30s running in the opposite direction.........so be it. Like I said Im not ready for that and to pretend otherwise would be dishonest but also a recipe for disaster. I do get along really well with younger women anyway so it kind of fits nicely.
I suppose this is the answer to my question though, that a lot of women are thinking long term serious reltionship, marriage and children.

No I didn't mean that not wanting to settle down is immature and selfish. I meant that seemingly not understanding or considering other people's feelings and needs is immature and selfish. How can it be such a surprise to you that most women of your age aren't interested in partying and no strings fun? You're asking are all the good ones taken without looking at the logical reason for the issue (that lots of women around your age and younger want to settle down and have kids and security). Fair enough that you don't want to have kids until you're ready, but then don't complain when you get written off because of that. Very few women in their thirties have time to waste while a man decides if he wants a long term relationship or not.

CaraMay

Op I think the answer to your query is in rcarroll's post. Girls (myself included) typically find it easier to talk to guys when they or the guy are already taken. I know from experience I am friendlier talking to guys while I'm in a relationship as the guy won't think I'm hitting on him and this carefree attitude seems to be what's attracting you. The girls are more comfortable because they have the backup of a bf so if you get the wrong idea they can say they're attached and this is what makes them more attractive to you.

LegacyUser

30slady wrote: »

No I didn't mean that not wanting to settle down is immature and selfish. I meant that seemingly not understanding or considering other people's feelings and needs is immature and selfish. How can it be such a surprise to you that most women of your age aren't interested in partying and no strings fun? You're asking are all the good ones taken without looking at the logical reason for the issue (that lots of women around your age and younger want to settle down and have kids and security). Fair enough that you don't want to have kids until you're ready, but then don't complain when you get written off because of that. Very few women in their thirties have time to waste while a man decides if he wants a long term relationship or not.

But you're jumping to conclusions about me, saying that I dont consider the feelings and needs and others??? You dont know me well enough to say that. I am genuinely surprised to hear that so many women in their 30s are intent on marriage and children and have not time for anything else. That just makes me someone who cant read the mind of every girl I meet. It doesnt make me immature or selfish. The women I talk to, talk about their career, their lives, what theyre doing right now. They dont talk about having babies and getting married. My mates girlfriend who Im very close to, doesnt even talk like that. So I dont assume, I take people as they come to me. But now I feel more informed after what you and others have said, so thats at least one good thing to come from this thread.

Merkin

That's good OP. On that note, seeing as this thread has fulfilled its purpose it's now time to close it. Wishing you the best.