Girlfriend not feeling the same, thinking bad influence

jus_tin4

So like so many other poster, my girlfriend of over 3 years, decided to end it, as she doesn't feel the same as she did.

I will admit, our relationship for the last year has been neglected a bit due to a death in my immediate family, and that had an effect on my social/work life due to a farm involved. When this happened I was straight with my GF and explained the situation. to my surprise she stuck by me. and can't

fast forward to today and there is no officially no communication. Last monday my Gf was different and i knew something was up so i asked to try see what was wrong and after a period of a few days, i found out she was confused, and wanted a break( which i have never had a good experience with, so my reaction wasn't the best)

all though this till yesterday she could never leave, she said she didn't want to and she wanted to be with me etc. in the space of a day/2 days, she had decided she wanted to end it....but she, personally had no reason as to something i did....... which leads me to question to the true nature of this....

To get to my question, I'm now at a stage where, unless i sit outside here house ill have no contact with her... ( not doing that btw just to clear that up) but does anyone see any positive outcome on this?... this was a girl that was talking about a life and family together....she even still has my picture with her on the usually social medias...... i wasn't instigating it..... so i just question wonder have i a hope or?

And i know more fish in the sea and all that jazz, but this was a girl i was planning on getting engaged to in the near future and i wasn't taking that decision lightly?

so flight or fight?

north_star_33

What i would do.is ask her one more if she want out

If yes ...

move on.
.no point dwelling on it..as tough as it may be...

Stavro Mueller

What do you mean by bad influence? It looks to me that she either got fed up of the relationship being neglected or she simply stopped feeling the same way about you. I'd not place any great meaning on what she was saying before she broke things off. She might have been trying to convince herself that everything was OK even if it wasn't.

What you could do is send a text and see what happens from that. But you may have to accept that her feelings have changed and that she's not interested in giving things another go.

Devia

Give her space and let her get her head straight. You are probably not going to change how she feels with your own words/actions. I know it's tough but leaving her to think by herself might give her a chance to see the error of her ways. If not then maybe it was never meant to be.

For yourself you need to consider whether you want to settle down with someone who is 100% in the relationship or someone who has doubts that could crop up again at any time in the future. How she conducts herself over the next while should help you make that decision. Best of luck.

jus_tin4

Thanks for all the replies. The bad influence is a girl in the place she works, I can't say for definite but it's just the only thing I can sorta narrow it to...this girl never had any doubts, if anything I pushed her away in the past cos of my insecurities, but she stayed.

But why would someone not say/talk about if they were really feeling like that... Nobodies a mind reader and people make mistakes.... It's just so loosely reasoned ...

It's always a bad sign when people become suspicious of friends whispering in their ear; truth is that the friend might be telling them the truth of their relationship, something which you would not be willing to admit to yourself.

You've already admitted that you've neglected your relationship and that might be the crux of the problems. If I were in a relationship where I was neglected for a long time, with no end in sight, then I'd walk away.

If you want to keep her, you need to stop worrying about what friends might be saying and instead focusing on the problems and fix them. You can't stop her from talking to friends, because that would be extremely controlling, but you can try to find a balance. Is there a chance of you focusing more on your relationship? If not, you need to let her go.

Taboola

I think you need to take a step back and give her some space.

jus_tin4

So far I'm taking all the opinions on board and well reflecting, my situation is my father passed away and left a farm behind him..my ex took all on boat and has been a rock since well now. So I don't blame her for feeling the way she does, I get it, but I'm really not controlling with her, the opposite, I wanted her to have her life, as mine was in limbo until I was ready and things to get straighten out.just felt I had to make that point... My really lack of understand is how no really communication had took place, and quite frankly out of nowhere... She has become one of the family.. My mother got very upset over her, just to put into the context of how involved she was in our life's, not just mine.

As has being said I'm going to let her go so to speak, I still do hope that maybe with time her attitude will change but I can't go on any of that I guess... I'm still open to opinions on the matter, as it's not really in my nature to well give up I guess... So the fact that I had let the ball drop with her disgusts myself....

Taboola

This might not be the case but she might have been feeling this way for awhile but didn't want to say anything because of your father passing. So for you it's come out of nowhere, but for her it might have been something she's thought about for awhile.

jus_tin4

even if she was the one talking about a family and our future really up until maybe a month ago? can it all really change that quick without ever talking to anybody/meeting someone else(I'm pretty sure that she didn't meet someone else btw)

Wabbit Ears

The death and farm have nothing to do with your relationship and how she feels about you. The workmate has nothing to do with it either. You're grasping at straws and apportioning blame.

CaraMay

And when she was talking about kids and a family what were you saying? Maybe she got sick of waiting on top of coming second fiddle to your work?

jus_tin4

just a little update: after cooling down a bit, and talking to family and airing thing out, the advice received here and from searching this forum, focusing on myself and the situation I'm currently in is the thing i should focus on now.i

The post here were not exactly what i wanted to here, but it was the right questions to ask, so thanks to all that posted.

as for the gf, she is my ex now, i have accepted that to some degree, but as i honestly never seen it coming from a girl that was begging and trying to move on, to being well cold i guess. but anyways, thats all assumptions and no fact. the fact is she has fallen out of love with the relationship and its a wake up call for me that i need to change certain aspects of my life, for me, no one else.

captainfrost

Good job knowing what to do, but don't be too hard on yourself still. Like my father do say " It better to make a man of your dream, than to meet a man of your dream". If their are things she happen not to like, she could have discussed it with you and am sure since you really do love her, you surely going to try and fix it.
Anyways, wishing you all the best in your self improvement journey.

Est28

jus_tin4 wrote: »

<snip>
I will admit, our relationship for the last year has been neglected

<snip>
in the space of a day/2 days, she had decided she wanted to end it....but she, personally had no reason as to something i did....... which leads me to question to the true nature of this....

Nope, seems pretty cut and dry to me. She's not obligated to stay with you.
Of course she won't be going around telling you how aweful things are, people will tell you everything is fine, then at some point they break and have to end it.

These things don't just happen in 2 days, they brew over time but the dumpee is usually so wrapped up in their own world they can't see it. Some self awareness here would be helpful OP.

I know it probably hurts now and you should definitely surround yourself with your family, but you did the right thing for your ex and for yourself.

jus_tin4

correct on all accounts above. I was quite wrapped up in my situation, my father died and i have to run a family, so yes i did forget, but it was never intentional, i asked her if she wanted to leave at the start, because nobody signs up for this.

from talking to a few close family and friends, everyone is quite impressed by my honesty towards my mistake/downfall of what happened. everyone makes mistakes, and i have, and its cost me more than i can even describe.
I am giving it one more shot to try meet up with her face to face( the break up was text and phone call) to get closure if its what she wants, but I'm hoping thats not the case.

If it all goes the wrong way, i will walk away, at the end her happiness means more to me than mine, and i will move on. But i know i now need to think of my life, not worry about my situation. so if anything its given me a beating to sort that part out. Life is too short, to not fight for happiness.

Est28

jus_tin4 wrote: »

correct on all accounts above. I was quite wrapped up in my situation, my father died and i have to run a family, so yes i did forget, but it was never intentional, i asked her if she wanted to leave at the start, because nobody signs up for this.

from talking to a few close family and friends, everyone is quite impressed by my honesty towards my mistake/downfall of what happened. everyone makes mistakes, and i have, and its cost me more than i can even describe.
I am giving it one more shot to try meet up with her face to face( the break up was text and phone call) to get closure if its what she wants, but I'm hoping thats not the case.

If it all goes the wrong way, i will walk away, at the end her happiness means more to me than mine, and i will move on. But i know i now need to think of my life, not worry about my situation. so if anything its given me a beating to sort that part out. Life is too short, to not fight for happiness.

I'm not sure what you're looking for OP? A pat on the back here?

At the end of the day, this wasn't "all of a sudden". It never is. People in denial tell themselves that. She clearly stuck it out for quite a while hoping she'd be appreciated in the long run and eventually came to the conclusion this was no longer making her happy. Which she's more than allowed do.

A relationship is not your "right". Also th bit about "do you want to leave" sound like a horrible horrible guilt trip to put on someone. Like, what? Oh you, her BF falls on hard times and says to her with puppy eyes "Oh, you can leave.... if you want....". Shameful stuff.

I wish I could be more sympathetic but I see and hear people here talk about relationships as if it's their god given right to be in one and not take care of it. It's not on really. There's plenty singles out there who'd give their right arm to meet someone and willing to put in the effort yet those who somehow fall into relationships have the attitude of "Well, I locked her in, job done now... I can relax".

jus_tin4

Est28 wrote: »

I'm not sure what you're looking for OP? A pat on the back here?

At the end of the day, this wasn't "all of a sudden". It never is. People in denial tell themselves that. She clearly stuck it out for quite a while hoping she'd be appreciated in the long run and eventually came to the conclusion this was no longer making her happy. Which she's more than allowed do.

A relationship is not your "right". Also th bit about "do you want to leave" sound like a horrible horrible guilt trip to put on someone. Like, what? Oh you, her BF falls on hard times and says to her with puppy eyes "Oh, you can leave.... if you want....". Shameful stuff.

I wish I could be more sympathetic but I see and hear people here talk about relationships as if it's their god given right to be in one and not take care of it. It's not on really. There's plenty singles out there who'd give their right arm to meet someone and willing to put in the effort yet those who somehow fall into relationships have the attitude of "Well, I locked her in, job done now... I can relax".

Firstly, you don't know me and i don't know you. The assumption of "locking her in"? when in fact it was the opposite of that. but your opinion and all that.

there was no "puppy dog eyes", there was honesty in me telling her what I knew was coming down the line.

And i have admitted i did not see the problems, thats my cross to bear. but thanks for throwing salt in the wounds anyways!

there single for a reason, because of what they choose to do.

gotta love the keyboard bashers. thanks for all the honest opinions.

If a mod can close this, that would be great thanks.

Est28

OP, you asked for HONEST views on what's going on here. You've been told. The stuff about "bad influences" and other factors is stuff you just want to use to deflect the blame from yourself.

No guilt trips? Um, come on man... the "salt in the wound" comment. Should we all be on our knees begging for forgiveness at that one? Come on man, grow up. We're all adult here, this isn;t a sympathy board.

Also, you're whole approach, even coming back to the "all singles are single for a reason" comment is just... uuuuck... I can't even go there. You seem like someone with issues far beyond this breakup, the breakup is just a side effect of it all.

You've admitted you neglected the relationship, yet when we tell you that's why it failed, you won't accept it!??!

Nobody is trying to make the situation work, but a little self awareness here would certainly prevent the same situation occuring again, learn from mistakes and all that? No? No? No, of course not... here's a pat on the back and cookie, let's go leer at all those single people who've done wrong to "be where they are". :rolleyes: