i've lost the love of my life, should I give up everything to be with him?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I really hope someone can help here as I'm going out of my mind at the moment.
I have recently moved to the uk to take up a job. My partner never committed to coming over to live here, but I assumed because he had no job that eventually he'd see that I was settled, that the UK wasn't that bad and move over.
Now he has a job, and he's said it's even more unlikely than it already was that he'll ever come over.
I said that because of no end now on the distance side to the relationship and because we'd lived together for 5 years, that a relationship based on weekends was something i felt would be two hard and we broke up.
I feel like a peace of me is missing. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and yes of course we both had our flaws in the relationship but i just can't imagine not being with him for the rest of my life.
My question is, should i just come back to Ireland? I feel like this job potentially could be a career, but i think i will just be miserable my entire time here if he is not a part of my life i love him so much.
I found it hard to get a job in ireland because I had no experience i what i wanted to do, but a company here are fine with that and it's completely ok here for me to start at the bottom and work my way up.
Any advice appreciated.
Thanks

Penny Tration

Did you post a thread here recently about this, just before you moved over?

Either way, you sound as though you were extremely presumptuous. You assumed your boyfriend would leave his friends, leave his family, pack up his belongings and leave his country just because he didn't have a job?

Tbh you should have discussed it properly BEFORE you accepted the job.

I don't think you moving back is a good idea. In time you'll resent him for it, because you don't want to move back to Ireland, do you? Wanting him isn't the same as wanting to be in Ireland.

I think, if you are both on speaking terms, speak to him. Don't make plans to go back to Ireland, assuming he'll be there for you. Look where assumptions have already gotten you! Talk to him. If he doesn't want to move to you, and you don't want to move back (be honest, him and Ireland are different things), then it just wont work.

blatantrereg

You'll miss him less when you get to kow people locally and are settled a bit.

silverfeather

You are strong enough to move on. Life is better for you both where you guys are now sometimes when you REALLY love someone you let them go because you know it's actually best for them. I have let people go for study abroad etc because of love not lack of it. It's a higher love non selfish love.

He should want you to have what is best for you too. If i were him i would MAKE you go. Because i know it will be what's best longterm. It will seem like the world is ending and devastating for a while but you are stronger than you think.

bobbydog

sad2015 wrote: »

Hi all

I really hope someone can help here as I'm going out of my mind at the moment.
I have recently moved to the uk to take up a job. My partner never committed to coming over to live here, but I assumed because he had no job that eventually he'd see that I was settled, that the UK wasn't that bad and move over.
Now he has a job, and he's said it's even more unlikely than it already was that he'll ever come over.
I said that because of no end now on the distance side to the relationship and because we'd lived together for 5 years, that a relationship based on weekends was something i felt would be two hard and we broke up.
I feel like a peace of me is missing. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and yes of course we both had our flaws in the relationship but i just can't imagine not being with him for the rest of my life.
My question is, should i just come back to Ireland? I feel like this job potentially could be a career, but i think i will just be miserable my entire time here if he is not a part of my life i love him so much.
I found it hard to get a job in ireland because I had no experience i what i wanted to do, but a company here are fine with that and it's completely ok here for me to start at the bottom and work my way up.
Any advice appreciated.
Thanks

Plenty of fish in the sea.you're not married so don't worry.give it a year before considering a move home

magicmushroom

I find it really strange that you were living together for 5 years and then when you decided to move to the UK it was never discussed if he was going to be moving with you?

Surely after that length of time in a relationship, one half of the couple taking up work in another country would be a huge thing - it's odd that you assumed he would come but didn't know for sure.

That would suggest to me that the relationship wasn't completely stable.
And I'm sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like he wants to make a commitment to you, otherwise he would have gone over and found work in the UK too. Instead he continued to look for work here and then accepted a job, knowing this would mean he wouldn't be joining you and effectively ending the relationship.

So as crappy and difficult as it is for you, I think you should stay in the UK and put your all into this new job. As you've said, you think it could lead to a career, so at least give it a go!
You will meet many new people in the UK, not just men but girls to be friends with too and you will have a fantastic time. You have so much ahead of you and it would be very silly to move back to Ireland for a man that made no effort whatsoever for you - I think you would live to regret it.
You have a fantastic opportunity so seize it and enjoy. Good luck.

orthsquel

sad2015 wrote: »

I found it hard to get a job in ireland because I had no experience i what i wanted to do, but a company here are fine with that and it's completely ok here for me to start at the bottom and work my way up.

How long have you already waited around in Ireland hoping for this sort of opportunity? If you were to give up your chance in the UK, what do you think you will be doing in Ireland, if the same opportunity is never going to present itself?

I don't think you should be giving up everything you have going for you in the UK, for someone who doesn't sound like they are on the same page as you.
He never committed to moving, you just assumed he'd come over when the all-clear is given.... but he got a job. and probably not with the wishful thinking of he's providing some security for you as a couple that you have something to come back to. But should even that wishful thinking be real, that still leaves you with no chance of doing what you want to do, because you have already evaluated your options in Ireland and found nothing. Is that going to make you happy in life? Maybe. Maybe not. Perhaps he was kicking himself for letting you go and got a job, even if he were just working in the hope of transferring his skills over to the UK... well tbh it sounds like the two of you need to have a long discussion about if you have a future and where that future is going to be.

I don't think you should give up anything right now to be with him. But what I think you do need, really need to do is have a real conversation about what is really going on between ye, and discuss what you both want. And be honest and hold no assumptions.

captainfrost

It either both of you never discussed this well(probably the job was a suprise), or you decided not to take his feelings into consideration, thereby counting on "love" to take the wheel.

Not able to work with a weekend fix for longdistance relationsip, for a 5 year relationship + living together. Is not a sign of an healthy relationship in the first place. So it probably going to end like this one way or the other.

Moving back is not an option for you, look like getting that job is the beginning of a good chapter in your life and you do not want to feck that up.

So it better to settle down for a while enjoy everything, the community, your workplace, the people. If you still feel like you need to go back and you feel you not in the right place.
Then maybe you really need to move back and fix things.