Trying to start life over - scared

n00bie

Apologies in advance if this is very longwinded and jumbled.

When I was 24 I was seeing this guy. One night out in town we were passing his house and he persuaded me to go in. It was an old Georgian house in town. When we were inside he locked the door with a big old fashioned key that locked a bolt inside the door. I started to get a bad feeling then. I couldn’t see what he did with the key and the door wouldn’t open without it. His flat was in the basement and when we went down all his friends were in the living room so he said we should watch TV in his room. I told him that I should go – that I had to be up for work early but he kept insisting and I didn’t want to cause a fuss. When we went into his room we were sitting on the bed and he pinned me to it. I couldn’t move - he was so strong I couldn’t push him off even though I pushed him as hard as I could. I asked him to stop and he got up laughing like it was a joke. He did this a few more times – I kept saying that I wanted to go and he’d pin me. I was really scared at this point. He kept asking for sex and I said no. He told me if I wouldn’t he’d have to find someone else, so I told him that if that was what he wanted then he should do that. The last time he pinned me down I said “please stop”. I was in tears and he was laughing. I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted he would do it anyway and would hurt me as well so I told him ok. It was the most physically painful experience of my life at that point. Probably because I had tensed up so much and he had to force it anyway even though I had said yes.

It’s only in the last year that I told someone what actually happened and they said to me that it was rape. I never saw it that way before and always thought it was my own fault for letting it happen. I still can’t see how it was rape – I went to his room, I said yes and I didn’t try to fight him off. Anyway after that I haven’t let a man get close to me. I’ve always kept them at a distance. That was nearly 14 years ago.

This last year though I have started trying to live my life a bit more and have been going out with men again. Some were nice – some not so nice. When they ask me about how long I've been single I never know what to say. I told one the truth after a few weeks of going out and it seemed to freak him out and it ended fairly quickly after that. A few weeks ago I met someone. I liked him but I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by him. He texts me every day throughout the day. If I don't reply straight away I get another text asking why. I’m a quiet person and that seems to irritate him sometimes.He lives in another county so I’ve driven to his town to meet him. He keeps asking when I’m going to stay over, when am I going to cook for him and stuff like that. He says he needs a woman to take care of him. It’s difficult for me travel to his place because my child is only 13 so I can’t just head off whenever I want. I think it’s too soon to be staying over. He was supposed to come to my town but cancelled. He says with work he can't travel much so I have to go to his town, but he wants to come to my house and stay over because he doesn’t like pubs or cafes, which I think is way too soon.

Last night we were texting and we were just chatting in general and he just says so what would you like to discuss. He’s done this before and when I’m put on the spot like that my mind goes blank. I said nothing in particular just chat, so he got annoyed and said fine goodnight. This morning I got called into work unexpectedly. I can’t use my phone while working so left it on silent in my bag. When I checked it at break time there were two missed calls, a voicemail, a couple of texts and a message on whatsapp saying why wasn’t I answering his messages could I ring him. When I texted him to say I was working he says I should have texted him to let him know and to text him when I got home. When I did he was questioning me about texts he sent last night that I didn’t see and hadn’t replied to last night.

It’s freaked me out a little bit. I’ve only known him a few weeks. I don’t know whether to trust my gut or if I’m panicking because someone is getting close and this is normal? I have no experience with this kind of thing.

shalalala

First of all. I am sorry about your experience. Just doing the math, is the child a result of the assault?

This man is too full on. It has all the warning signs of someone controlling I am afraid. You have only just started dating him, you shouldn't have to tell him you are working. Sure it would be nice to just say "off into work, talk later" but life gets in the way! It just seems he wants to keep tabs on you.

Also a guy needing a woman to look after him?! Grow up man. And this "what do you want to talk about?" Nonsense, looks to me like he wants to talk about sex. Call my cynical but I think that he seems like a bit of a creep.

If I were you I would seek counselling to deal with some of your issues and try to get past then first, then look in dating.

Rubberchikken

Im so sorry to read about what you went through. Talking about it with someone would be something to consider.

I agree with other poster, this current man sounds too controlling for this to be a healthy relationship.

For your sake, i'd advise you to keep him at a distance for the moment. Concentrate on you and your child and work on getting back your strength and improving your self esteem. You sound like a good person who's had to deal with tough things but you'll come back stronger. Just believe in yourself

Witcher

He says he needs a woman to take care of him

Ah here, fook off. What is he, a man child? I wouldn't say that to a woman even as a joke.

Get rid of this millstone around your neck OP and take your freedom back, get out and meet some new people as you were doing before this guy. Take it one step at a time, you don't need the hassle you're getting currently.

Mayboy

Hi,

You were only 24, so young and so not sure of what was happening. He took control and took your power and left you with no choices. This was rape, you know that now. 14 long years of trying to manage what happened to you. Now you meet other guys to try to move on but you are confused because your boundaries of what was right were so damaged and subverted by the person who raped you. It is NOT your fault and the responsibility for what happened lies firmly with him.

It's not OK how you were treated by the first guy and that is why you are having difficulties about understanding the behaviour of the recent guy. His behaviour is not OK, is unhealthy and you are so right to be listening to your voice inside that is raising a red flag about how he is.
I'm so amazed that you have the resilience to manage this, on your own. Please try to see a psychotherapist or a health professional who will help you reclaim your boundaries and help you move on. I'm so sorry you had to go through this but glad that you are trying to work it out. I wish you all the best.

IlmoNT4

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you OP. It was rape and a very traumatic event has happened to you. Would you consider going to talk to someone about it? There are trained therapist who could help you work through this and help you to rebuild trust in yourself and also to help you identify people who you would like to build a relationship with.

As for the current man who you are in contact, honestly OP, he doesnt sound very nice, he sounds very controlling and sometimes when we have been so hurt, we recreate those traumatic events again, hoping they might play out differently. I think it would be best to tell this man not to contact you anymore, and if he doesnt leave you alone, then block him on your phone (or just block him on your phone and dont bother telling him anything). Its great that you want to have a relationship with a partner and have started dating but it might help you to work through what happened to you first before going out into dating. Dating is a tough business, and there are real sh*t heads out there that target people they think they can bully, manipulate and control.

If you dont want to talk to a therapist, you can call the rape crisis center and they could help you as well. I know you probably have never acknowledged what has happened as rape, because doing that would be too much for you, that happens to a lot of people, its very normal.
I hope you are ok OP and take the best step forward for yourself xxx

Ally Dick

What a horrible experience. My heart goes out to you. You have been unlucky with men. The first one committed a borderline rape. The second one sounds like he is capable of it too. You should get rid of him immediately. I think you need to talk to a counsellor about your issues. Give yourself a break. Be good to yourself. You deserve happiness. It IS out there for you if you rid yourself of your current shackles and get a paid professional to tease through all of your issues and feelings. I wish you nothing but every happiness for you and your child

silverfeather

Hello op.

I am very sorry for your experience and what it has done to you. I was in an extremely physically abusive and violent relationship that included sexual violence. I can tell you this people who have been through this are too vulnerable for high risk individuals. It's a huge amount of pain to go through and along with that self esteem and confidence is rock bottom. You are hyper vigilant and in fear a lot of the time and then when a real threat comes it's almost like 'well i am feeling bad anyway!'. And the low self esteem and feeling that you owe people to treat them even much better than they treat you. Well its not true. You deserve better. He is controlling selfish and awful. He wants things only on his terms. Who says they need a woman to take care of them you are supposed to take of each other.

He sounds nasty.

I hope you realize how much more you are worth for you and your daughter there are giving sweet wonderful men out there who are looking for someone too.And anyway better to be single than with an abuser.

SF12

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. It was rape and it wasn't your fault. It just wasn't. You should really consider talking to someone about that, even just going to visit your GP to see if they can advise you. Or there are counselling services out there - the rape crisis centre. It doesn't matter that it was 14 years ago, you can still contact them to talk about it.

I would be very wary of the guy you are seeing now. In fact, if I'm being brutally honest, I would stop seeing him if I was in your position. He sounds extremely controlling and nasty, and I would not put myself in his power if I were you. And absolutely not if you have a daughter aswell.It sounds like he's looking for a "woman" to generally act as a slave for him, rather than having a relationship with her. You are worth much more than that, although I know it may be hard for you to see that. You deserve so much more than what this guy seems to want and you are far stronger than you realise. But you probably should try and figure out how to deal with what happened to you - it may be that you've managed to hide the feelings for the last while, but because you are out looking for someone, the hurt and pain is coming back to the surface again. It's very very hard to manage something like that on your own, and it's really ok to ask for help.

jopax

Hi op,

I agree totally with every post on here, we all think he is bad news so please cut off ties with him.
You know yourself that your instinct is telling you he is no good, so please trust yourself and keep away from him.
Also remember you are your daughters role model so show her how you respect and value yourself.
I wish you all the best and there are really good men out there too, you deserve a lot better.

n00bie

shalalala wrote: »

Just doing the math, is the child a result of the assault?

He's her father yes. She has never met him which I feel bad about. She asks about him sometimes and has talked about finding him. I don't know what to say to her other than I don't know where he is (which is the truth) but I don't know how much longer this will satisfy her. I've told her that he didn't know I was pregnant, which is also true, but she doesn't know that I wrote to him just before her first birthday - I felt so guilty that because of me she didn't have a dad. He never replied. I'm afraid of how hurt she'll be if she knew.

I got very depressed around Christmas and my family pushed me to go for counselling. I don't know why it came back at me then. My sister in law and my mother are the only ones who know what happened but I don't like to burden them. Especially my mother - I can see how much it hurts her when I talk about it so I don't. I had one session before Easter which was more of an assessment and I'm on a waiting list for more. They said it could take up to 8 months. The counselor seemed to think it was more urgent and said she'd try and speed it up but I haven't heard anything yet.

When I was going to bed last night I didn't text him. At half six this morning 4 texts arrived one after another, and there were three from last night that I didn't see as well. Apparently he sent one at half ten and when I didn't reply sent another two to see what was going on. I was supposed to drive down to see him today but I don't want to go now. It's starting to feel a bit like it did 14 years ago with my daughters father. He was very controlling too. I just want to finish it. I did try before - he wanted me to send a picture of me and I wouldn't but he wouldn't let it go. When I said we should finish he got really upset saying he was only joking and how much he cared. I don't want to see him again but I would feel bad about just sending a text.

shalalala

You owe him nothing more than a text. Dont do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Ever.

As regards with counselling. You should call and hassle them as much as you can. Unfortunately this is the best way to get seen quickly in this country. I think that counselling could help you be able to deal with your daughters questions in the future.

Look after yourself. You are not burdening anyone x

SF12

OP, you say you only met him a few weeks ago.

You really don't owe him anything. I've no doubt he will say all sorts of things to get you to stay around, but he sounds like someone you probably would be better off without, so please don't get drawn in. Send a text, or phone if you want to, but if you're not comfortable with seeing him again, then don't. Your instinct is speaking loudly on this one, so listen to it - it's probably not wrong.

I'm sorry, I don't know much about counselling etc, but have you tried the rape crisis centre? Would they be able to help you quicker?

There are nice guys out there OP, and you deserve one. Never doubt that.

Rubberchikken

hi op
no matter how long you've known this guy, you owe him nothing.
people like that will say what they want you to hear. he'll tell you he's only joking, that he cares, that you're important to him, etc.
for someone who's feeling vulnerable, these words maybe what you want to hear and he will use that vulnerability to suck you in.

for your own sake.and your child's sake, don't let this happen.

you deserve way more than this guy. as others have said, there are plenty of really nice guys out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve.

your daughter is getting to the age where she's interested in finding out who her dad is. maybe someday, you'll have to explain it to her but for now you should work on getting your strength back. while you're waiting for counselling, you could contact the rape crisis centre to talk things through with someone.

good luck

Dark Phoenix

OP I am so sorry to hear about what happened 14 years ago - well done for getting counselling and talking about it and trying tp process and deal with it - you are very brave.

I'd get rid of this latest guy quickly - he sounds like a controlling bully and you simply dont need this in your life - you should never be dreading or afraid of someone who is meant to care about you. His volume of texts is not normal and its very controlling behaviour

There are plenty of lovely people out there who do not behave in this way, I hope you find one that deserves you soon

IlmoNT4

Op you dont even need to explain yourself to this new guy, just dont respond or block him if you can on your phone. If you have an smartphone its easy to do. Honestly just ignore him.

You need some space and this guy is really not helping you. You owe his absolutly nothing, and you owe yourself everything.

If you can, could you phone the therapist or the place you went to the assessment clinic and ask them for an update. I dont want to put words in your mouth OP but it might help to tell them how bad things are for you, if they understand that you are at a crisis point they maybe able to help you quicker.

Its so important to keep talking, I know Mam might not be someone to talk to (I'm sure she would be sad to hear that you felt you couldnt talk to her, Mams want the best for us, as much as it hurts her, I'm sure she would listen to you. Would you listen to your daughter if she had a similar incident?), could you talk to your sister in law or a friend? Just keep talking about how you feel and your current situation. Its important to build a support network.
Call the rape crisis centre, heres the number for a 24 hour hot line 1800 77 88 88...they will be able to help you as well. Thats what you need OP, some support. Take any support you can get.

If this other man wouldnt leave you alone, share that experience with people as well.

IlmoNT4

The rape crisis centre also has an email address if you didnt feel comfortable talking on the phone

counselling@rcc.ie

Also if you dont feel comfortable making phone calls about this, you could ask Mam or your sister in law to do them for you. It can be hard to even say the words, never mind accept what has happened.

CaraMay

Op I'm so sorry you went through such a trauma. You sound like a lovely lady and deserve someone nice in your life. This guy doesn't sound like a guy who is good enough for you and definitely not good enough to bring into your child's life. Delete him, block him and ignore him. There are loads if nice guys out there who are looking to meet nice ladies so don't settle for someone like him. Good luck op

n00bie

I'm not going to see him anymore. Yesterday was unbelievable. It's actually starting to make me feel angry. He's now trying to tell me what's best for my daughter. I said something about talking to the GP about her (we've had a few deaths in the family and something happened yesterday that makes me think she's not coping too well). He started telling me not to, that it wasn't the right way to handle it, that I was to ring him to discuss it with him because he had concerns "as a father".

I'm also going away for the weekend with my daughter - we've had it planned since Christmas - and he had a go at me because he says I haven't included him in my plans again. I'd really love to tell him off but I don't think I have the strength to stand up to him right now. I'm just going to block him and switch off the phone for the weekend. Hopefully he gets the message. It feels like a lousy thing to do but I just don't want to deal with him anymore.

loulou2009 wrote: »

The rape crisis centre also has an email address if you didnt feel comfortable talking on the phone

Thanks - I'll give it a try.

I think I'm just going to give the whole dating thing a miss. I thought I would be able to cope with it but obviously I'm still not able for it. I'm just going to focus on my daughter and me.

magicmushroom

n00bie wrote: »

I'm not going to see him anymore. Yesterday was unbelievable. It's actually starting to make me feel angry. He's now trying to tell me what's best for my daughter. I said something about talking to the GP about her (we've had a few deaths in the family and something happened yesterday that makes me think she's not coping too well). He started telling me not to, that it wasn't the right way to handle it, that I was to ring him to discuss it with him because he had concerns "as a father".

OK, this guy was ringing alarm bells for me from the start, but this part just made me go - WOAH. Get away.

Delighted you have decided to not see him anymore and I think a weekend away with your daughter is a fantastic idea, just what you need.
Blocking him is also a great idea - if you do this you don't need to switch off the phone as he won't be able to get hold of you. Just so long as you feel strong enough that you won't text him at all? If so, do leave it off and leave it at home or in the car for the weekend.

Just one little concern I had, does he know where you and your daughter are going? Would there be any chance of him turning up if it's not too far away?

You sound like a very independent woman who has been through an awful lot of crap, this guy sounds like an absolute loser so I hope you can move on from him very quickly and he doesn't stay on your mind for too long.

Have a great weekend.

I'm delighted you decided to block him, he sounds mental and dangerous. Controlling so soon. He'd have you both locked up and not allowed do anything in no time.
Good for you.
I hope you get the counselling soon and it helps. Really so sorry to hear about what happened.

jopax

Hi op,

I am so glad to hear that you are not going to entertain that man anymore.

Just wanted to say, have something ready to say to him if he does manage to get hold of you.
Stay firm with him as he sounds like someone who doesn't give up easily so just have your answer ready and stick with it.

Also its great that you have your daughter as your priority.
When you are ready to date again just remember a decent man will enhance your life not try to control it.

I hope you have a lovely break with your daughter.

Starokan

Good decision op, stick to it, this chap sounds like a right fruitcake, concerns as a father wtf... Bullet dodged

CaraMay

Well done op, losers to the left and future is right in front of you.

stop animal cruelty

That guy is a loser op, take of yourself x