Wife's gifting to mother

di11on

Hi folks,

By way of background, I'm married to my wife for 13 years. We've had our ups and downs but who hasn't.

Anyway, from my perspective, my wife has a somewhat adoring relationship with her mother which, from what I can see, is un-reciprocated. She gives way more to her mother on mother's day, birthday's and Christmas than I do to mine. However, I tend to give significantly less because there wasn't a culture of giving big gifts in our house growing up, which was rather frugal most of the time.

I earn the single income in our home... this was a conscious decision by us both when we had our first child as her income wasn't huge and we felt the greater benefit was to be had by her spending the time with our children who are now 8 and 12.

So I've always been rather uncomfortable with the amount she spends on her mother and brother. It seems she spends way more on what she gives than what she gets. I've kept mum (if you'll pardon the pun) until now as she is rather touchy about it and I've put it down to my own frugal upbringing.

So it all rather came to a head when the missus bought a dog basket worth €40 to €50 for her mum's new dog last week(no special occasion), then bought a mother's day gift (don't know the value) and then announced that we're all going out to lunch. I mentioned that I assumed we weren't paying considering the former gifts. This was greeted with a conniption fit. The lunch in questions is an asian buffet type affair and would cost roughly €20 a head... the whole thing costing us about €120 and it appears that it's already planned and of course we're paying, it would be rude not to!!! Even the question of her younger brother contributing was met with hysterics.

Any discussion is always met with arguments such as... well you bought this and that and what are we going to do, keep a score of everything we spend.

As I am the single earner and since this was a conscious decision by both of us, I don't want to penalise my wife for this and have an "it's my money" attitude because it isn't my money as far as I am concerned, it's our money. At the same time, she would say that I spend money on non-essentials without discussing it with her, so why would she discuss her spending with me? I would maintain I do discuss my spending but she would reply that "yeah, you mentioned it but I didn't saying anything because I know there is no point". So there is a sensitive dynamic at play.

From my point of view, the difficulty I have is that there are expenses on our family (which I consider my wife and children) and then there are expenses outside of this. She has what appears to be a different view of family, which is rather matriarchal i.e. her, her mum, her kids and me as an optional extra but not part of the inner circle. This dog basket thing made me really unfomfortable as it looks like we're contributing to my mother-in-laws day to day expenses and that's just not appropriate in my opinion. (the mother-in-law is not in need, believe me).

This different view plays out in a few different ways. For example, she would rather spend the whole of mother's day weekend (which is a different day to in Ireland where I live) with her mother. But then what about our children? I have to insist that we at least are in our home for mother's day morning so the kids can give her the cards they made and the stuff they made in school.

I have a rather downward view of family... focussing on us and our kids. For me, there seems to be an obsession with pleasing her mum that detracts from my children's experience (in my view).

So where's the question in all of this?

1. Is it reasonable for me to question the amount she is spending on her family
2. How is this best handled and approached?
3. Do other's identify with this divergence of views concerning family? If so, how do you handle it?

Thanks in advance all.

R.D. aka MR.D

You mentioned that you are living in a different country. Do you think there is a cultural difference to blame here?

JeffKenna

di11on wrote: »

She has what appears to be a different view of family, which is rather matriarchal i.e. her, her mum, her kids and me as an optional extra but not part of the inner circle.

This is what stood out for me and is really where the issue is lying. You shouldn't consider yourself the optional extra. I think, if you take a step back and examine your annoyance about the presents you'll come to the conclusion it stems from the above statement. Have you always felt like this? It comes across as a very lonely place to be

zoobizoo

di11on wrote: »

from what I can see, is un-reciprocated
.

Her mother raised her and presumably gave her presents as a kid for birthdays and Christmas... and all of the other things that parents do for kids.

Taboola

di11on wrote: »

But then what about our children? I have to insist that we at least are in our home for mother's day morning so the kids can give her the cards they made and the stuff they made in school.

This is the bit that jumped out at me. She does a lot for her mother but you had to insist she stay at home for her own kids to give her presents?

Could there be a bit of bragging going on here? I.e she's showing off to her mother that you can afford to bring them out, buy them gifts etc?

jopax

I don't blame you for feeling like this, it would get on my nerves also.
I don't think there is any easy way to broach this, just come straight out with it, and tell her your not happy.
I think no matter what way you say it she is not going to take it well, it sounds to me like she feels perfectly entitled to spend what she wants on her mother/family.
Just curious was she always spending so much on her family?
She sounds like a lot of grown women I know who have their own family but still put their original family first. Maybe she just hasn't cut the apron strings fully.
Good luck anyway with the task ahead, I don't envy you that's for sure.

Neyite

I'm wondering if this matriarchal slant is common in your wife's culture, or is it just unique to your in-laws set up. If its not cultural, then it sounds like she is bending over backwards to try to purchase affections of a woman who she will never please. By any chance is your brother in law the Golden Child who can do no wrong, while your wife can never please her mother? Apologies if I'm way off the mark here.

Either way, you feel her spending is frivolous and excessive. Can you let this time slide, but going forward agree that any expenditure over a certain amount /or for expenses not relating to you and her /your home/ kids get discussed first.

For what its worth, my salary pays the bills, his is the daily spends in our house. So I'm regularly taking 'his' bank card to pay for my hobby, get gifts, bring my mother to lunch or to get groceries. I don't ask 'permission' but I do flag if I'm taking extra - usually its just "by the way, X is coming up so I'm taking €100 off your card, all right?" just so that if there are things that he's on spending on that month -maybe a car service or parts for instance, so that way we both have a rough idea of the non-routine spending for the month. There is no way that I'd expect us to cover a meal, and an expensive gift without at least running it past my partner first, and vice versa.

mocha please!

That's a really tough one, I can see things for both perspectives.

From her point of view, if I was the non-earning stay-at-home mother, I'd sure as hell put a lot of value on that and I'd really begrudge it if I felt my partner considered it to be a case of it being his money and not our money. And I'm not saying you do consider it that way - I don't think you do - but I think it would be very easy for someone in her position to end up feeling insecure and undervalued if not given a certain amount of free reign with her spending.

From your point of view - well to be perfectly honest, in your situation, I have to admit I'd find it quite hard to see the money I'd earned being spent in ways I hadn't wanted or planned for it to be spent.

Here's how I suggest you deal with it - wait until the whole Mothers Day thing has settled down, and don't make a fuss of it for now. In a week or two, sit down and tell her you'd like to make a project of both of you getting more control of your money. Decide on something you'd like to save up for - maybe a holiday, or even a nest egg for the childrens' education or for your retirement etc. Decide you're going to do up a weekly/monthly budget, where you cover all rent/mortgage/bills/family expenses, and then have X amount each for discretionary spending after that. You take the X amount out of the ATM at the start of each month, and spend it as you each wish. If she chooses to spend her portion on her family, fine, it's up to her.

Just don't make it about her and her relationship with her mother - making financial plans like this is something many/most couples do. Hopefully she'll be on the same page as you and will actually be very happy not to have to look for your permission before spending money, or worry that you'll fall out with her over it.

eviltwin

Can you afford it? I don't see a problem with it nth, if she has always spent a lot on gifts then why would she stop now unless you can't afford it. Did you have an issue with it when you're wife was working? It is coming across that you resent her spending what you see as your money which is unfair.

strobe

Would a switcherydoo in relation to the money situation work?

Have three bank accounts. One for bills and essential family stuff and savings where a proportion of your wages go. And two others, one for you and one for her, where an equal amount goes in for disposable income. She spends her disposable on whatever she wants, you spend yours on whatever you want.

sadie06

I'm just wondering if your wife has plans to return to work? I'm all for women choosing what is right for their family in those early years (I scaled back big time myself) but in my experience I became uncomfortable with the situation when it was no longer justifiable with both children past the infant classes in school, so I slowly increased my work load and am nearing a tailored 4 day week now.

I feel your wife may be touchy about discussions about money for this reason. It's difficult to negotiate a discussion regarding money when only one of you is earning it. It can be awkward at the least and emotionally charged when a once independent woman is questioned on her spending.

I'm probably not answering your questions, but instead am posing a different one: is it time for your wife to start bringing in an income? It would probably solve all the problems in one go.

di11on

OP here,

Thanks all for chipping in - some very valuable perspectives and suggestions.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

You mentioned that you are living in a different country. Do you think there is a cultural difference to blame here?

I don't think there are any cultural differences at play here.

Taboola wrote: »

This is the bit that jumped out at me. She does a lot for her mother but you had to insist she stay at home for her own kids to give her presents?

Could there be a bit of bragging going on here? I.e she's showing off to her mother that you can afford to bring them out, buy them gifts etc?

To be honest, the kids would have probably given her stuff at the in-laws but it's really frustrating how my wife tries to make her mother the centre of attention and only begrudgingly allows me to try and make some time for just us as a family on mother's day.

JeffKenna wrote: »

Di11on wrote:

She has what appears to be a different view of family, which is rather matriarchal i.e. her, her mum, her kids and me as an optional extra but not part of the inner circle.

This is what stood out for me and is really where the issue is lying. You shouldn't consider yourself the optional extra. I think, if you take a step back and examine your annoyance about the presents you'll come to the conclusion it stems from the above statement. Have you always felt like this? It comes across as a very lonely place to be

Maybe I'm not quite an "optional extra" but I do get the feeling sometimes that I'm quite down the pecking order compared to her mum. Btw, her mum left her dad when she was young.

Neyite wrote: »

...it sounds like she is bending over backwards to try to purchase affections of a woman who she will never please.

I definitely think this is what is going on...

Neyite wrote: »

By any chance is your brother in law the Golden Child who can do no wrong, while your wife can never please her mother? Apologies if I'm way off the mark here.

Yes, this is true too. Her mum is way more affectionate to her brother than to her. This is part of what bothers me, that she goes so much out of her way when her mother doesn't reciprocate.

mocha please! wrote: »

Just don't make it about her and her relationship with her mother - making financial plans like this is something many/most couples do. Hopefully she'll be on the same page as you and will actually be very happy not to have to look for your permission before spending money, or worry that you'll fall out with her over it.

sadie06 wrote: »

I'm just wondering if your wife has plans to return to work?

I agree that this should happen. She is looking but is being very choosy and only seems interested in impossible options :-) She didn't really have a career to return to.

In summary, I think there are things things at play here:

1. There is an element of showing off
2. I think she is bending over backwards trying please her mother to win her affections
3. The single income complicates things and makes her feel touchy about these things.

As many have said, the solution to the financial issue is to split our income in some way between us so there is her money and my money. This could be done but would be difficult for us.

The more difficult thing is the whole relationship with her mother thing. It hurts me to see her reach out to her mother so much when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. Also, it really really bothers me that she doesn't place her focus more on US as a family. Every Christmas, I have to battle so we can have it at home rather than at her mother's where the kid's experience is diluted 10-fold. In the end, we do have Christmas in our place usually, but it's the fact that I have to make an issue out of it every time.. it gets wearisome after a while.

So the financial bit is easy, but do I just have to accept that my mother in-law will be the centre of my wife's universe?

CaraMay

I find it very worrying that you take over every Xmas and she has to fall in with your plans each year. A battle over Xmas every year is not healthy. Sounds to me that you don't like the fact your wife is gravitating towards her mother. Should you look at your own behaviour as the root cause of this happening? You are coming across as extremely controlling and domineering. You don't own her just because she stays at home.

di11on

CaraMay wrote: »

I find it very worrying that you take over every Xmas and she has to fall in with your plans each year. A battle over Xmas every year is not healthy. Sounds to me that you don't like the fact your wife is gravitating towards her mother. Should you look at your own behaviour as the root cause of this happening? You are coming across as extremely controlling and domineering. You don't own her just because she stays at home.

Fair point. When we lived in Ireland my wife did find it hard that we had to interact so much with my family. That said, it was just as hard for me most of the time!

Regarding Christmas, with young children it's very difficult to transport the Christmas experience. We have spent Christmas with the in-laws so it's not always my way. There are cultural issues at play regarding Christmas though. It's way more important to me than it is to her. I wouldn't quite call it a battle every year but there would be a discussion all right. We have had her family here with us for the past 3 years.

This is why I'm posting here, to get others' views and to see what's reasonable. I would just love my wife to focus on us as a family and not feel she has to run away to her mother at every opportunity. Perhaps there are far deeper issues.