married man on tinder - appropriate or not??

highly1111

Hi

My gut is its not appropriate but I'm not familiar with tinder at all.

Found out from a close friend that my brother in law is on tinder. He's married with two young kids - one only a newborn. I'm going to stay out of it as its none of my business and my friend says there's a lot of blokes on there for a nosy??? Is that right? He was active tonight. At the time he was active he was out getting a Chinese. I only know this because I was chatting to his wife purely coincidentally. I wouldn't like my husband on tinder as I thought it was very much a dating site. Am I wrong?? Head a bit muddled to be honest.

athtrasna

In conventional terms it's not appropriate but none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors, in other people's relationships or in other people's minds. You're right to stay out of it. It's a no win situation for you.

highly1111

athtrasna wrote: »

In conventional terms it's not appropriate but none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors, in other people's relationships or in other people's minds. You're right to stay out of it. It's a no win situation for you.

Totally agree - they could have an open marriage for all I know! Its none of my business and could mean nothing. I'm just not familiar with tinder at all and was a little shocked.

Tilly

Tinder is a dating\hookup site. I've heard of married people using it for no strings fun.

Carlos Orange

Very little good can come from getting involved but if they are in an open marriage the potential downside is pretty limited too.

retro:electro

Do you mean Tinder or Twitter? You used both in the op but they are both very different..

highly1111

anna080 wrote: »

Do you mean Tinder or Twitter? You used both in the op but they are both very different..

Apologies. I mean tinder. I know its a dating / hook up site but I didn't know if there's a non-dating element to it. However it was explained to me this morning so I'm more familiar. I'm a little disgusted to be honest but staying out of it.

Saralee4

You say brother in law. I can only assume that it is your husbands brother because I imagine if it was your sisters husband you would feel you had to mention it.

I know people say that you don't know what happens behind closed doors but are open marriages really that common these days? I just can't see that they are. Perhaps I'm old fashioned. I'm not against them but I just think that for mostcouples thet would not work.

anyway if it's your husbands brother then maybe say it to your husband and let him decide whether to say it or not.

highly1111

Saralee4 wrote: »

You say brother in law. I can only assume that it is your husbands brother because I imagine if it was your sisters husband you would feel you had to mention it.

I know people say that you don't know what happens behind closed doors but are open marriages really that common these days? I just can't see that they are. Perhaps I'm old fashioned. I'm not against them but I just think that for mostcouples thet would not work.

anyway if it's your husbands brother then maybe say it to your husband and let him decide whether to say it or not.

I know (well 99%) they don't have an open marriage because his wife is extremely old fashioned and religious. No sex before marriage etc. I'll leave it up to my husband. You're right - its my husband's brother. I just feel so sorry for his wife. He has form - but this is the first thing to be suspicious of since they got married

stargazer 68

I have used online dating in the past but this was pre tinder! I assume from what I know that you have to have your picture on it so:

His wife knows and turns a blind eye
She doesn't know and he doesn't think he will be caught
He doesnt care if he is caught

What is their marriage like? Any difficulties that you know of? It's really quite hard to tell. They could have some understanding. How did you know he was currently active on Tinder?

anncoates

highly1111 wrote: »

I'm going to stay out of it as its none of my business

Doesn't sound like it.

highly1111

anncoates wrote: »

Doesn't sound like it.

???

I'm not going to say it to him or his wife - or any member of my husband's family. I'm not sure what you mean by your comment??

Dovies - his wife may know and turn a blind eye. She would never really confide in us regarding their marriage.

Boneyarsebogman - my friend sent me a screen print from the tinder app on her phone. it has his picture, his real name and it said last active "28 minutes ago" and how far away he was from her. She said that if people are there looking to hook up (affair wise) there's normally a cartoon picture or something similar. In relation to their marriage, she's from a very religious background and is always very much sunny side up as in it's very important that "one" displays the appropriate side of things. She would rarely rant and never give out about him because "mammy wouldn't dare give out about daddy" etc and she would view it as very disrespectful. I'm not talking about serious things which someone just shouldn't discuss with every tom dick and harry but even frivolous matters as in "I could kill him for not taking out the bins!! In the same way, she would never give out about the children or how tired she was etc. She's a very optimistic person but also very naive and insular - e.g. the first time she left the country was on honeymoon etc. When they moved in together, her parents came down to make sure it was suitable and that they were indeed in separate bedrooms. Now, she may confide in friends that she has but honestly, I cannot think of one friend who she has in Dublin.

We were very surprised when they got together and how quickly things moved - married in less than 2 years. There were many comments about how he felt age was catching up on him and how they were so different as he was always a very outgoing gregarious type of fella with loads of friends who is always out and about whilst she is very very much a homebird who is deeply religious. However, she offered him a lot of good qualities that are attractive to a man - she's a lovely person and is a great wife and mother.

Anyway, I'm going off tangent and I'm just disappointed to be honest. I feel very sorry for his wife and I'm also surprised about how unsurprised I am if that makes sense. I hope it's completely harmless but fail to see how it could be. I hope he cops on to himself soon as I know his wife would be truly devastated.

stargazer 68

highly1111 wrote: »

???


In relation to their marriage, she's from a very religious background and is always very much sunny side up as in it's very important that "one" displays the appropriate side of things. She would rarely rant and never give out about him because "mammy wouldn't dare give out about daddy" etc and she would view it as very disrespectful.

When they moved in together, her parents came down to make sure it was suitable and that they were indeed in separate bedrooms.

We were very surprised when they got together and how quickly things moved - married in less than 2 years. There were many comments about how he felt age was catching up on him and how they were so different as he was always a very outgoing gregarious type of fella with loads of friends who is always out and about whilst she is very very much a homebird who is deeply religious. However, she offered him a lot of good qualities that are attractive to a man - she's a lovely person and is a great wife and mother.

.

Maybe therein lies your answer OP?

You'd have to wonder whether he is happy in his marriage. He probably feels trapped and drowning and tinder might be his release? I'm wondering whether there are Facebook friends in common, which displays on tinder. Is that the case on the screenshot you saw?

CaraMay

I know a lot of guys through work who married the nice, quiet, innocent wife after years of hooring and touring. Invariably they ended up getting bored and cheating on their 'perfect woman'. This sounds like your brother in law. Chances are he is bored and doesn't realise his tinder profile is out there for the world to see.

highly1111

Dovies wrote: »

Maybe therein lies your answer OP?

I know. Unfortunately, many of us had seen it coming. I think they both made incompatible choices. Just a shame when there are children involved - and VERY young children at that.

highly1111

Deleted User wrote: »

You'd have to wonder whether he is happy in his marriage. He probably feels trapped and drowning and tinder might be his release? I'm wondering whether there are Facebook friends in common, which displays on tinder. Is that the case on the screenshot you saw?

What is really strange is this: Lets say Ann found him on Tinder. Barry is my brother in law. Ann sends me the screenshot from Tinder. Barry is there and underneath is a mutual fb - Aine - friends with both Ann and Barry on fb. Now, here's the weird bit. I'm friends with Ann, Barry and Aine all on fb - Ann commented that I could come up as a suggestion on tinder as people you may know as it's linked to other apps.....(facebook here) He must know it's a matter of time before someone spots him. He sent a "request" (is that the right word?) to someone he has a mutual friend on fb with - and that mutual friend, Aine, is my best friend......

Emsloe

Given that Tinder is linked to 'real life' moreso than a regular dating site I'd be surprised if this wasn't just for a bit of attention and thrill. The other side of that is that because it's so public it also gives him plausible deniability "of course I'm not cheating, sure I'd be caught in no time with my photo and facebook all over it..it's just a bit of craic" etc etc.

Either way there's not a whole lot you could do. Is it appropriate, no. Would his wife accept it, who knows.

Wabbit Ears

If he is on tinder he may not be playing the field, but hes deffo on the sub bench . Not ok for a married person. if they are in an open relationship or are swingers or whatever, still inappropriate, there are a lot more discreet methods used by them.

Est28

How do you "know" he's on Tinder at any given time? The app doesn't tell you.

If you saw his picture, it could be from that moment or a month ago when he logged in "for a nose". Not defending him, but I just don't get this part unless you actually matched him to actually track if he has activity?

All in though, it's none of your business. You know you're opening a huge can here by saying something so stop poking around in other peoples business.

LegacyUser

Est28 wrote: »

How do you "know" he's on Tinder at any given time? The app doesn't tell you.

Yes it does. Profiles show 0/10/15 minutes since active etc, then "yesterday" after midnight, number of days for less than a week and all the way up to the last active date once it's a week or longer.

Saralee4

Est28 wrote: »

All in though, it's none of your business. You know you're opening a huge can here by saying something so stop poking around in other peoples business.

he is making his own business public. No matter what is happening within a marriage, it is no harm for a sister in law to be concerned and op didn't know what tinder was about so she was just asking about that.

I don't really know about tinder either, but from the sounds of it, it is a very disrespectful thing to be a member of if you are supposed to be in a marriage and have children if the partner does not know. Like another poster said, people who have open relationships and have children tend to use more discreet methods. I know their children are very young so it probably wouldn't be the case here but no child wants to be in the playground and hear from some other kid or older kid say that 'your dad is looking for hook ups on tinder'.

Op and her husband might be concerned that the man is depressed, that the wife is depressed or not being treated right and they are family who are in an unhappy marriage and about the children and just trying to figure out if it is her place or not to intervene in which case she has said that she has decided not to.

Est28

Guessed wrote: »

Yes it does. Profiles show 0/10/15 minutes since active etc, then "yesterday" after midnight, number of days for less than a week and all the way up to the last active date once it's a week or longer.

Lol, only if she's matched him!
Otherwise she'd have swiped left and never see him again, but she knows when he's online.

Est28

Saralee4 wrote: »

he is making his own business public. No matter what is happening within a marriage, it is no harm for a sister in law to be concerned and op didn't know what tinder was about so she was just asking about that.

Sure, Indeed he is making it public. But why does OP need to put herself in the middle of it? I just can't think of a situation where that's ever led to anything good.

I'm saying this for her own sake, left the couple figure out and deal with their own issues, jumping in the middle is just not helping herself or anyone.

Tilly

Est28 wrote: »

Lol, only if she's matched him!
Otherwise she'd have swiped left and never see him again, but she knows when he's online.

Wrong again. You can see when the profile you are viewing has been online last. Then you swipe. Clue yourself up, dude.

irishdude11

I've seen loads of women that I know are in relationships on it. This is (still repressed compared to other countries) Ireland where everyone knows everyone and Tinder is not some free-all hook up app like it might be in, say, New York. It's more of a social thing, or an ego boosting thing here from what I can see, these women are definitely not looking for a one-night stand and they'd be well aware they are visible to everyone on it, they're just on it to chat. I know guys in relationships who are on it too and have no interest in cheating. It's a fad/social thing. Have people here never used it or something? It's plainly obvious that you are visible to everyone. Tinder is about the worst way you could find to cheat, you will come across so many people you know on it that it would be like publicly announcing you want to cheat. I think most people here who are talking about it haven't actually used it.

Of course there are single people looking to hook up on it, but if I saw someone who I knew was in a relationship on it, and I have seen loads, I wouldn't pay any heed to it.

I've been with someone off Tinder but that was the exception to the rule, the vast majority are not on it to meet up, certainly not people in relationships who are on it.

highly1111

Est28 wrote: »

Sure, Indeed he is making it public. But why does OP need to put herself in the middle of it? I just can't think of a situation where that's ever led to anything good.

I'm saying this for her own sake, left the couple figure out and deal with their own issues, jumping in the middle is just not helping herself or anyone.

OP here - as I've already stated several times before I've no intention of getting involved in their marriage

LegacyUser

highly1111 wrote: »

I know (well 99%) they don't have an open marriage because his wife is extremely old fashioned and religious. No sex before marriage etc. I'll leave it up to my husband. You're right - its my husband's brother. I just feel so sorry for his wife. He has form - but this is the first thing to be suspicious of since they got married

Its his business and his marriage. If his wife is very religious maybe those two kids are the only time he had sex with her!! Who knows!! but if he was a bit of a player before he got together with her and is now getting no sex he could be very bored and sexually frustrated! Or he could be just on it for fun and something to do.

Est28

Tilly wrote: »

Wrong again. You can see when the profile you are viewing has been online last. Then you swipe. Clue yourself up, dude.

Picking at straws here...
Either she matched him or this whole thing sounds suspect. If it was a once off like you say then she would not be able to track or be aware of his activity on the app, sure, you'd see the person once then never again, but she seems to be aware of his movements.

I'm kinda wondering if this is genuine really but anyway... people will argue over anything to sound right.