Changing life direction

LegacyUser

Hi,

My life, whilst it is not a mess, is causing me massive problems. I'm currently seeing a psychoanalyst about my issues (have been going for about 3 months on a weekly basis) and I'm feeling more and more down as time goes past.

My background is that I'm lonely. I have no friends or social life. If I socialise 5 times in a year then that would be the maximum. My parents never socialise and nor is there much conversation in our house. When not at work or gym I am on the internet.

I live in a city and have no one to talk to. I try. At work I am friendly and chat - also at the gym too. However, beyond this I have no one. I am getting to an age whereby opportunities are decreasing (approaching 40) - I've had no girlfriend or intimacy. At this stage in life, it (relationships) kind of scares and intimidates me.

I've had dreams of living ion another country - just to reboot the system and start again. I enjoy travelling and have done many solo trips. However, recently there have been times on these trips when the isolation tears me apart inside. I spoke to my analyst about this and she said that even moving away would not help as I still have these issues that need to be resolved - they would just appear again whereever I am. This kind of is a relief to me (in a peverse way) in that by not moving I have not held back my development.

However, it still nags at me that I didn't get the chance to life for a while somewhere else - to break the chains of my home. As much as I love home and my parents it feels like a burden being so close to them. I get asked when am I coming home, things need doing etc. However, as I've no life to live here they assume I will always be coming back to them. (I have another sibling who lives at home). They have no reason to expeect me not to come home as I have no life where I am at here.

I have tried clubs, gym etc,, but whilst getting on polite terms with people, it never went to the next level of friendship.

My head is all messed up. I don't know if my analyst is helping me or making it worse. She is highly respected - I seemed to have randomly picked one of the top ones in my region (my previous counsellor told me so when I informed her of who it was). I've read that things can get worse before they get better.

Living abroad is something that has always been in the back of my mind. I was hoping to be made redundant so I could escape across the sea to GB or mainland Europe. However, in the cold light of day I realise that I have a good paying job, 5 minutes down the road from my accommodation, good salary, no real pressure and a good work environment. Majority of people would bite my arm off for it. However, as it is my only job since uni (15+ years) I think I have a case of the grass on the other side...

I'm struggling to untangle the things I really want from the depression issues I have. i.e. do I really want a new job and to move abroad or would I be happier if I could get my depression and social issues resolved here?

My flatmate just told me that they are moving away to another country and I guess I'm kind of jealous and envious. This then rakes up my emotions and thoughts of 'what if...' about my life. As this person is leaving it then affects my living in this current place. I am not in a position to take it over so would have to look for another flat share or take the plunge and buy myself.
I've been scared to buy purely for my depression/mental health reasons. I'm scared of tying myself down even though I realsie that the longer I hold off the more it is going to cost me (in my area prices have incased just under 10% in a year).

I realise that I could rent it out and leave. I realise that I could stay here and go on numerous long weekend breaks to Europe.

However, I whilst I would not use the terminology 'mentally fragile', I know that I might not be able to cope with much change at one time. I like routine and change makes me feel sick.

I've only started with my analyst. She said it could take over a year to break down my issues. I should probably not relocate as I've had between 7 - 10 counsellors over the years and the lack of consistency and limited sessions has failed in meeting the objective.

Sorry - I really don't know where I'm going with this - rereadng it doesn't make much coherent sense. I think my flatmate moving out and the looming change for me has got me spooked and frightened. Topped with low mood due to the analysis I'm not in a great place at the moment. My energy levels are down, my enthusiasm for things has plummeted.

I don't think anyone knows the dark place that I am in.

I'm scared. I've left things too late and I don't know how to live. The fear of change and the anger of my current situation has put me in a position whereby nothing can appease me or reduce my depression, anxiety and fears. I don't know what to do.

mg1982

Hi OP. Id tend to agree with your psychoanalyst in that moving away would not solve your issues all at once but its obviously a dream of yours so some day you will. Its probably better to try and get to the core of your problems with your psychoanalyst while your living at home so that when you do move away you will be better prepared for it. This can take some time though and while everyone is different it could take months or years to work it out.

aidanki

its Sat night, as a first step, Id say get out your phone and ring those u know see is anyone going out