is 5 months too long apart from my child?

LegacyUser

I posted a similar dilemma a couple of months ago but this time there has been a slight change.

Basically I am living in Ireland with my child as a single parent. I work full time and have no family at all in Ireland.

A job came up near my parents which would be great for my child to be nearer family and also the job has great prospects and security.

I have passed the various stages but they have relocated the training centre I will be attending for 5 months which is 900 miles away from my parents. Where they live is very remote and where the centre is fairly remote too.

I am able to leave on a fri night and back for sunday afternoon so realistically travelling home will be quite difficult to say the least.

The issue is this, it would mean leaving my child for 5 months possibly without visiting.
In this time, my child would be starting a new school, new area, living with my grand parents etc. All this would be huge steps and ideally I would prefer to be there.

My parents think it is not feasible and to turn the job down on this basis. Whilst I sort of agree, my situation in Dublin is very stressful. I pay huge rent on a 2 bed, child care costs, afterschool etc. I have a "career" but to be blunt I am not very good in this field of work and constantly changing jobs whilst staying in the same industry.

Whilst my parents are against this, they would no doubt help whilst I was away as they had suggested this prior to the new change in location.

Would leaving my child possibly for 5 months be too much?

I dont want to, as we have never has a day apart in but I would be doing this for a better life.

my child has just turned 7

zeffabelli

Honestly, I don't think its a good idea.

The child is too young, 5 months is a long long time in kid time...even one month is.

Secondly, as you are a single parent....the child's greatest fear is losing you as he only has one parent....

If you could visit I would say go for it, but 5 months is too long. It would also be very stressful with new school and a move without you.

LegacyUser

I remember your original thread.
The situation in 5 months time will be damn-near perfect for you in the long run. No pain, no gain.
Your daughter may be only 7, but she's old enough to understand logic& reasoning, she'll be staying with family (your own parents) so hadn't been totally abandoned, & you can Skype/phone her ever night,& surely visit once a month?
The issue is as big as you want to make it. If you show your child your own worry& upset, she will of course play up to that. If you acknowledge the upheaval but frame it in an overall positive light, she will come to look forward to your homecoming in 5 months time (think Christmas/Santa vibe!)

MagicMarker

Why can't you take your child with you? Surely there are child care options where you will have to do the training?

funkey_monkey

When does the training start? Can you take your child with you for a period of time until it is time for them to start school? This would minimise the amount of type you are physically apart.

I assume that in these 5 months you will have holiday entitlements. You could use these exclusively for long weekends back home. Also every night you could Skype your child and talk with them to keep the bond.

Can you speak to them about condensing the training into 4 days or 4.5 days by working late Mon - Thurs. This would give you the opportunity to get home for Friday evening.

Seriously speak to the job provider, they will be sympathetic to your situation and might be able to split your training into smallers modules or maybe have some leftfield idea that we don't think off. Please do not turn this opportunity down without explaining your full situation and dilemma to them.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Why can't you take your child with you? Surely there are child care options where you will have to do the training?

Unfortunately, there are no child care facilities there whatsoever. Ill be staying in a hotel and my training will be with a group of others so I wont be able to leave early or take any unscheduled leave.This was explained to us early on. What they will do though is pay for travel costs for every 2nd weekend.

Im thinking I will skype etc and see if I could maybe meet my family half way some weekends or something along those lines

silverfeather

I think 7 is a critical age. The child is old enough to understand and feel the absence but yet young enough to be so vulnerable to it. I would seriously try and work a way of doing it while you are together.

whats_my_name

Is there anyway you could hold it off for a while until your child gets settled into school?? While I'm all for you forging a good career for yourself I know myself anytime we moved house with my child he was fairly unsettled for a while afterwards, a new country is completely different, will you have to acclimatise?? This combined with starting school might be a bit too much at the moment but if it's really something you have to do then make sure you have a good support in place. While it might be hard on her, it's just going to be as equally if not more hard for you. Best of luck OP.

Queen-Mise

Go for it.

The opportunity is a godsend considering the position you are in at the moment.

Once a child has some reasoning ability they will be able to understand.

Speak to your daughter every morning and Skype/call every evening.

It is ludicrous to even contemplate not seeing her for five months. No one is going to do that. Go to see her every second or third weekend.

Pawwed Rig

Could your parents or another minder not rent somewhere close by for the duration?

LegacyUser

I had thought about that but my child will be back in school for the duration

If Im going to go im just going to have to skype and make every effort to go back as much as I can.

appreciate all the advice given

LegacyUser

OP my dad went overseas for 18 months when I was 10 and my brother 6. It was an amazing carer change for him and it made him a much better and happier person (he was really unhappy in his job before this) He was the other side the planet with poor internet but we made it work. Your not leaving the country and it's only 5 months and you'll be able to talk everyday and home every two weeks with the end result will be a better standard of life for you both.

Pyr0

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: »

I had thought about that but my child will be back in school for the duration

If Im going to go im just going to have to skype and make every effort to go back as much as I can.

appreciate all the advice given

Go for it. It's something that will benefit you and your child in the long run. Alongside the Skype and emails you can make it fun by sending written letters with pictures, like a little scrap book that your child can keep and send some back, it doesn't have to be all bad

Magicmatilda

can't log in wrote: »

OP my dad went overseas for 18 months when I was 10 and my brother 6. It was an amazing carer change for him and it made him a much better and happier person (he was really unhappy in his job before this) He was the other side the planet with poor internet but we made it work. Your not leaving the country and it's only 5 months and you'll be able to talk everyday and home every two weeks with the end result will be a better standard of life for you both.

To the person who quoted this, did your mother stay with you? If so then it is not the same thing. This 7 year old will have to move house (country?), school and lose her mother. That is a lot of change. It is a lot different to daddy going away but everything else staying the same.

Have you discussed with the child how she feels about it? How well does she know her grandparents? How often does she see them currently? Is tehre parenting style similar to yours?

Also you say you may not get home at all in the 5 months? Why is that? you finish on Friday evening and then are due back Sunday. Could you not get home Friday night and leave Sunday morning?

whats_my_name

I be away sometimes from my son too & when I am I set up Skype so I can do his reading & spelling homework with him & am able to check over his maths as well. It makes me feel involved & makes him feel like I'm there so it's definitely something I would do if I were you.

LegacyUser

Magicmatilda wrote: »

To the person who quoted this, did your mother stay with you? If so then it is not the same thing. This 7 year old will have to move house (country?), school and lose her mother. That is a lot of change. It is a lot different to daddy going away but everything else staying the same.

Have you discussed with the child how she feels about it? How well does she know her grandparents? How often does she see them currently? Is tehre parenting style similar to yours?

Also you say you may not get home at all in the 5 months? Why is that? you finish on Friday evening and then are due back Sunday. Could you not get home Friday night and leave Sunday morning?

First of all the mother is not on the scene at all in the last 6 years.
Has been over to see my grandparents a few times but only once at their actual home as it really is remote as can be without giving the exact address. gets on with them very well as always on skype etc

Their parenting style would be similar to mine I would say

The travelling issue is that I will be roughly a 100 or so miles from the nearest airport in England then flying up then having to connect with other transport for the remainder of the journey and to top it off a ferry as well.

From what I have researched it is impossible to travel up and down within the time allocated off for the weekends.

Very very hard decision to make and I can see both arguments for and against.

As I mentioned in my op, my parents are strongly against the idea which I respect which also leaves me in an even more complicated situation. At the end of the day if they dont feel it is a good decision I can not force anything upon them either.

I will discuss with them again tonight and see what everyone is thinking and saying.

What I do know is, whichever decision I do make will be percieved as incorrect

LegacyUser

Magicmatilda wrote: »

To the person who quoted this, did your mother stay with you? If so then it is not the same thing. This 7 year old will have to move house (country?), school and lose her mother. That is a lot of change. It is a lot different to daddy going away but everything else staying the same.

Yes my mother was still there but we also moved county from Dublin city to a small country town to be near my dad's family, whom we'd not had much contact with before, so they could help because my mother was still working full time. Started new school in a new town and with the commute time really only had time with my mum at the weekends and had to share that with my brother who being younger demanded more of her time. And it was 18 months without a parent which meant both kids birthdays missed and xmas.

Very dismissive of the role of fathers to it's different to 'daddy going away'. I'm not saying it was fun or easy but it resulted in a better life all round. My dad came home a different person to what he had been working a dead end job, we had better standard of living and a stronger relationship with extended family that's lasted well into adulthood that I doubt would have developed had we stayed in the city with both parents working insane hours until one or both snapped with the stress.

Neyite

I dunno, I saw relatives farmed out to relatives they barely knew when their mother had a protracted illness. All in all, they had good experiences, the worst part about it was that nobody explained where their mother had gone or when she would come back - that was the scary bit for them. But the rest - staying with grandparents, going to the local school, they have fond memories of as adults looking back.

I think that at 7, they might be able to understand your reasons for doing it, and though the child would miss you very much, you are accessible via skype or facetime - every evening if need be, and understand that there is an end date.

Would you consider talking to your child about it?

Flippyfloppy

OP will your child be staying with your grandparents or your parents? It's not too clear from your posts as you do speak about 'your' grandparents, and your parents.


Why do your parents think it's a bad idea? Is it because they feel your grandparents /they won't cope or have a different parenting style?

It wouldn't be something I would do, but I don't require a big life changing set of conditions. If doing this is going to drastically improve both your lives the long term, you have the minders and your child's support, and if you move there for a time before you need to go with your child help settle them in it could work. I find it hard to believe you only have a day and a half off a week. Unless it's some form of military or similar it really is rather strange and something I would push to extend basing on the fact you are your child's sole carer.

LegacyUser

my parents

They think its too long for my child and myself to be apart especially with the mother not around

I explained about the reasons for doing so and the answer they are saying is , thats it when you are a single parent, you cant do things in life that you want to do

To be honest I cant guess what they are thinking other than what they are saying but maybe they think at their age raising a child for 5 months might not be what they want to be doing. That might sound harsh but they are also well within their rights to think this too.

zeffabelli

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: »

my parents

They think its too long for my child and myself to be apart especially with the mother not around

I explained about the reasons for doing so and the answer they are saying is , thats it when you are a single parent, you cant do things in life that you want to do

To be honest I cant guess what they are thinking other than what they are saying but maybe they think at their age raising a child for 5 months might not be what they want to be doing. That might sound harsh but they are also well within their rights to think this too.

That's the other part of this...are you parents elderly?

Is there other family around to help them?

A 7 year olds life can get busy....school pick up and drop offs...play dates...extra curriculars.... illness...

Would they be able to handle it? And you'd probably have to pay them for food, clothes....other expenses...

LegacyUser

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: »

As I mentioned in my op, my parents are strongly against the idea

I think your parents are politely trying to tell you that they don't want the responsibility of a 7 year old for 5 months. If, as you say, you respect them being so strongly against that then you cannot ask them to take her. You will need to find some other way.

LegacyUser

Agreed, would never dream of forcing the issue on them.

Will just carry on here and hopefully another opportunity comes up that will be more suited to my situation.

At the end of the day, im still earning. Could be worse

no.panic neva.panic

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: »

Agreed, would never dream of forcing the issue on them.

Will just carry on here and hopefully another opportunity comes up that will be more suited to my situation.

At the end of the day, im still earning. Could be worse

OP, are you sure you have considered all your options? I, like many people, am of the opinion that a 5-month separation with your daughter could potentially have a detrimental impact on her. Saying that, you have an incredible opportunity to improve your professional situation, and I think you really need to put your creative hat on and try to make it work. Only if you consider all your options, and decide that none of them are a go should you give up.

You said that you will be staying in a hotel - have you considered getting an apartment instead? I have done a good few 3 to 6-month contracts around the world and I have always been given an option - hotel or an apartment, and I always went for an apartment. If you get an apartment, you could take your daughter with you. Now you need to sort out childcare - can a family member go with you? Could you get an au-pair? Can you hire a nanny?

Now on the issue of your daughter starting a new school (in September I'm assuming?), here is what I would do (and I have seen it done with a couple of schoolmates when I was a child) - I would keep my daughter with me until September. Then, when the time comes, I would let her start the school year at the school she will eventually go to. I'd keep her in school for approx 2-3 weeks, so she gets to know the teachers, the other kids, the system, and then I'd take her back to where I'm based for training. Then, for a month or so, depending on when I start my training, I'd home-school her so she isn't behind when she is back in her new school around November. If you explain the situation to the principal, I'd be very surprised if he/she didn't support you here. Some kids start school late, because their parents take them on off-season family holidays - at least you'd have a legit reason for keeping your child out of school for a few weeks!

If you did something like this, the whole thing would be strenuous and in many ways demanding, but these difficulties would be nothing in comparison with your potential 5-month absence from your daughter's life, because you would be in it together. She wouldn't have to go through all the new stuff all by herself while being separated from the only source of emotional comfort she knows. From emotional point of view, you are her whole world, OP, don't underestimate the importance of this.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to have it both ways - that you'll get that new job you fancy, and keep your little girl close and emotionally secure. I'm quietly cheering for you here, put your creative hat on and find a solution!

John_D80

If your parents are genuinely willing to help you' then you should go for it. It sounds like you would be missing a great opportunity if you turn it down. 5 months apart could meana better life for you both.

Single parents in the Defence Forces spend that long and longer away from their kids, all the time with no adverse affects. Kids are smarter and stronger than most people think.

Skype is a fantastic invention and surely one or two visits would be possible over the 5 months.

Why not ask over in the military forum about advice from people who have been through this. Good luck b

zeffabelli

John_D80 wrote: »

If your parents are genuinely willing to help you' then you should go for it. It sounds like you would be missing a great opportunity if you turn it down. 5 months apart could meana better life for you both.

Single parents in the Defence Forces spend that long and longer away from their kids, all the time with no adverse affects. Kids are smarter and stronger than most people think.

Skype is a fantastic invention and surely one or two visits would be possible over the 5 months.

Why not ask over in the military forum about advice from people who have been through this. Good luck b

This can work when there still remains a constant.

Even then there are lots of probls when fathers re enter the family unit after long absences.

With this situation, all constants are removed.

Dark Phoenix

I think the crux of it is talk to your parents and invite them to be totally honest with you. If they do not want to be the carer of your child for 5 months, thats fair enough and at least you will know as you cannot go ahead with the plan unless they are in agreement with it.

As for your child, I think she will be fine, you are doing this for the good of you both long term. I think you could skype every evening and could try and meet up every second weekend? The journey to get home you describe is insane - could hiring a car make the non air travel part easier and quicker?

My only concern personally would be your works lack of concern to work life balance. If you have explained your situation to them I;d be concerned that they will not make any effort to make this easier for you. Child or not, 5 months training with very little time off at the weekend is tough going

John_D80

zeffabelli wrote: »

This can work when there still remains a constant.

Even then there are lots of probls when fathers re enter the family unit after long absences.

I would strongly disagree with these generalisations in fairness. Is this your opinion or do you have experience of this. My own experience of this is greatly different to yours.

I know many single parents (friends and colleagues of mine) who have had to leave their kids with grandparents for long periods of time and not one has ever reported any long term adverse effects of their temporary absence. Kids are far more resilient and accepting of change than most people give them credit for.

It takes a combined effort on behalf of all the adults concerned to make it work. This includes preparing the child properly and maintaining communications throughout the absence where possible. But it does work very well when it is done right.

Myself personally, although not a single parent have spent similar times away from my children as the OP is contemplating and any 'probls' on return are very very short lived. There is always an adjustment period when a parent rejoins a family unit after being away, but things return to normal within a week or two. Especially with a child the same age as the OP's.

homerjay2005

5 months goes very quick and the fact that the child is with grandparents can help ease alot of the issues. of course it will be difficult, but 5 months is not alot in a childs life

in the day of skype, cheap phone calls, texts etc etc you should be able to maintain constant daily contact and i would also advise to set up your stalls so that you get home at least once every 2 weekend...it going to be difficult but at the end of the day, if its the right thing for your and your childs long term future, its a small sacrifice to make.

best of luck.

Akrasia

Think of it as a boarding school.
Children aged 7 and older are allowed to attend boarding schools as residents.

Your child would be fine for a few months living with family, it will be a valuable experience for him to experience a new culture and meet his extended family.

zeffabelli

John_D80 wrote: »

I would strongly disagree with these generalisations in fairness. Is this your opinion or do you have experience of this. My own experience of this is greatly different to yours.

I know many single parents (friends and colleagues of mine) who have had to leave their kids with grandparents for long periods of time and not one has ever reported any long term adverse effects of their temporary absence. Kids are far more resilient and accepting of change than most people give them credit for.

It takes a combined effort on behalf of all the adults concerned to make it work. This includes preparing the child properly and maintaining communications throughout the absence where possible. But it does work very well when it is done right.

Myself personally, although not a single parent have spent similar times away from my children as the OP is contemplating and any 'probls' on return are very very short lived. There is always an adjustment period when a parent rejoins a family unit after being away, but things return to normal within a week or two. Especially with a child the same age as the OP's.

It is experience and it is opinion, just as yours is experience and opinion.

This explanation of "children are resilient" is used far too often for adults to do what they like without thought to the consequences. Fact is, we don't know what demons come crawling out of the spaces when adulthood arrives.

How would your friends know what the "long term' affects are? Have they seen their children grow up yet and see anything manifest or are you talking about two years later?

My father was put in boarding school at 7 for reasons not dissimilar. Yes there were long term/trans generational affects, and none I should like to go into here.

Generalising, based on what you know, well I can do the same. I know a couple who left their child in "temporary custody" with the grandparents, only for the grandparents to then not return the child and secured full custody through a court. Should I base my entire perception on the people I know? Probably not, because the people you know or I know, are not everyone.

I would certainly investigate the legal situation where it comes to handing over custody also as I suspect this is abroad somewhere? In some jurisdictions in the US for example, 90 days of not seeing your child is the legal boundary of abandonment.

Op you should also consider how much you would have to pay your parents? They would need food, clothes, etc as well as babysitting money for when they have obligations to fulfill or for socialising.

no.panic neva.panic

no.panic neva.panic wrote: »

You said that you will be staying in a hotel - have you considered getting an apartment instead? I have done a good few 3 to 6-month contracts around the world and I have always been given an option - hotel or an apartment, and I always went for an apartment. If you get an apartment, you could take your daughter with you. Now you need to sort out childcare - can a family member go with you? Could you get an au-pair? Can you hire a nanny?

Now on the issue of your daughter starting a new school (in September I'm assuming?), here is what I would do (and I have seen it done with a couple of schoolmates when I was a child) - I would keep my daughter with me until September. Then, when the time comes, I would let her start the school year at the school she will eventually go to. I'd keep her in school for approx 2-3 weeks, so she gets to know the teachers, the other kids, the system, and then I'd take her back to where I'm based for training. Then, for a month or so, depending on when I start my training, I'd home-school her so she isn't behind when she is back in her new school around November. If you explain the situation to the principal, I'd be very surprised if he/she didn't support you here. Some kids start school late, because their parents take them on off-season family holidays - at least you'd have a legit reason for keeping your child out of school for a few weeks!

Some really good suggestions here OP. Do what you can to make it work for the two of you at the training centre. Rent an apartment, get a local nanny/au pair. I wouldn't even worry too much about school.

When my child was the age of yours, the two of us moved to a completely different country with a new language, new home, new school, new everything. It was tough at first but it worked out beautifully because, in spite of everything else going on around us, we were together.

John_D80

zeffabelli wrote: »

It is experience and it is opinion, just as yours is experience and opinion.

This explanation of "children are resilient" is used far too often for adults to do what they like without thought to the consequences. Fact is, we don't know what demons come crawling out of the spaces when adulthood arrives.

How would your friends know what the "long term' affects are? Have they seen their children grow up yet and see anything manifest or are you talking about two years later?

My father was put in boarding school at 7 for reasons not dissimilar. Yes there were long term/trans generational affects, and none I should like to go into here.

Generalising, based on what you know, well I can do the same. I know a couple who left their child in "temporary custody" with the grandparents, only for the grandparents to then not return the child and secured full custody through a court. Should I base my entire perception on the people I know? Probably not, because the people you know or I know, are not everyone.

I would certainly investigate the legal situation where it comes to handing over custody also as I suspect this is abroad somewhere? In some jurisdictions in the US for example, 90 days of not seeing your child is the legal boundary of abandonment.

Op you should also consider how much you would have to pay your parents? They would need food, clothes, etc as well as babysitting money for when they have obligations to fulfill or for socialising.

Im sorry that your dad has had a difficult time as a result of being sent away to boarding school but that is a very very different scenario entirely. The OP is talking about leaving his daughter in the care of grandparents in a loving home where its reasonable to assume there will be regular communication between OP and daughter and possibly even visits over the course of the seperation. Kids sent to boarding school have an entirely different experience than what the OP is proposing so im not sure the two situations really relate to each other.

Your Dad and the couple you mentioned who lost custody of their child to the grandparents are two isolated incidents. No matter how many instances you could present, the simple fact is that the vast majority of children who experience any sort of protracted seperation from their parents turn out absolutely fine and are none the worse for it.

shalalala

I was brought up by a single parent as an only child. It would have destroyed me if my mother left for even a month. I would echo the ideas of trying to make it work near your training centre with a nanny or something.

I know a Chinese couple, they are married and working here in Ireland. They had a child 6 years ago, the mother spent her maternity at home, then when the baby was 6 months old, they sent her back to China.
For 3 years.

Now, I did find this hard to understand, but they said that was the way they did things, it was their culture, if you like.
They went back to China often to visit, they rang/skyped etc

Anyway, now they have a perfectly normal 6 year old, at school in Ireland, seems to be no problem whatsoever.

5 months is nothing, especially when your child is old enough to understand.

Stavro Mueller

If you can at all, I think that solution involving an apartment and a child minder/au pair is a great idea.

Blue Iris

It's a difficult dilemma for you OP. I think that because you're your child's only parent, 5 months would be too long. Often children don't show that something has affected them but later in life they can articulate the impact an experience had on them.

Attachment theory holds that to develop easily through childhood children need an unruptured bond with a close adult (preferably a parent) and it needs face to face contact so Skype wouldn't fulfill that need. If you could set up the apartment idea posted up thread then that would be fine. You sound like a very caring parent. Best of luck.

di11on

bubblypop wrote: »

I know a Chinese couple, they are married and working here in Ireland. They had a child 6 years ago, the mother spent her maternity at home, then when the baby was 6 months old, they sent her back to China.
For 3 years.

Now, I did find this hard to understand, but they said that was the way they did things, it was their culture, if you like.
They went back to China often to visit, they rang/skyped etc

Anyway, now they have a perfectly normal 6 year old, at school in Ireland, seems to be no problem whatsoever.

5 months is nothing, especially when your child is old enough to understand.

My word... except that they missed 3 year's of their child's life! Different cultures indeed!

Dolbert

Surely the point is moot if the OP's parents have said they don't want to take the child for that length of time? Anyway, I'm surprised at how many people are saying it's okay. It's far too long for a single parent to be away from their child.

LegacyUser

Dolbert wrote: »

Surely the point is moot if the OP's parents have said they don't want to take the child for that length of time? Anyway, I'm surprised at how many people are saying it's okay. It's far too long for a single parent to be away from their child.

Any discussions as to whether this would be ok for your child are irrelevant. Your parents have made it very clear that they aren't ok with being your child's caregiver for 5 months. They may have put it in terms of 'for the good of the child', but the message is the same: they don't want to or don't feel comfortable with being the main caregiver to your child for 5 months.

So you either don't do the course, or make your own arrangements. I think the apartment/nanny idea is a good one, but I would also question an employer that situated people as far as you've said from an airport for so long, and expect that they have no family commitments. Are you sure that this is a legit training course? No big organisation that I know of would operate in this way. You aren't being asked to pay for your training, are you?

SATSUMA

I think you should not leave your child. She is far too young at 7. If this training place doesn't cater for single parents what is the job going to be like?it can't be family orientated. I remember being 7 and if my mam had left me.... not an option.

homerjay2005

shalalala wrote: »

I was brought up by a single parent as an only child. It would have destroyed me if my mother left for even a month. I would echo the ideas of trying to make it work near your training centre with a nanny or something.

there is a massive difference between leaving you and going away for a few weeks.

would you still have the same view if your mother had taken ill and was transferred to a place that was so far away, you couldnt get to see her for a month?

people need to relax here a little, the child will be ok and theres nothing to suggest that -

a - the mother cant come home once every few weeks (difficult but doable).
b - the grandparents cant travel there once a month
c - the child cant see her mam every day on skype.

children are very easily distracted and their life flies by - the key here is the grand parents and their role.

shalalala

homerjay2005 wrote: »

there is a massive difference between leaving you and going away for a few weeks.

would you still have the same view if your mother had taken ill and was transferred to a place that was so far away, you couldnt get to see her for a month?

people need to relax here a little, the child will be ok and theres nothing to suggest that -

a - the mother cant come home once every few weeks (difficult but doable).
b - the grandparents cant travel there once a month
c - the child cant see her mam every day on skype.

children are very easily distracted and their life flies by - the key here is the grand parents and their role.

But he isn't going for a few weeks! He is going for a few months. And yes, I would have felt deserted even if she was going for medical reasons. A child misses what they miss but I would have been able to wrap my head around it once I got older but leaving for a job, for me, would not be a good enough reason.

Dolbert

homerjay2005 wrote: »

there is a massive difference between leaving you and going away for a few weeks.

would you still have the same view if your mother had taken ill and was transferred to a place that was so far away, you couldnt get to see her for a month?

people need to relax here a little, the child will be ok and theres nothing to suggest that -

a - the mother cant come home once every few weeks (difficult but doable).
b - the grandparents cant travel there once a month
c - the child cant see her mam every day on skype.

children are very easily distracted and their life flies by - the key here is the grand parents and their role.

If it were a few weeks I agree that the OP should consider it. But it's 5 months, almost half a year. It's far too long.

The Dark Side

It would plainly be devastating for a child to be abandoned for 5 months by their parent.

Extraordinary that some posters are trying to pass if off an 'no big deal'.

LegacyUser

Rethink wrote: »

Any discussions as to whether this would be ok for your child are irrelevant. Your parents have made it very clear that they aren't ok with being your child's caregiver for 5 months. They may have put it in terms of 'for the good of the child', but the message is the same: they don't want to or don't feel comfortable with being the main caregiver to your child for 5 months.

So you either don't do the course, or make your own arrangements. I think the apartment/nanny idea is a good one, but I would also question an employer that situated people as far as you've said from an airport for so long, and expect that they have no family commitments. Are you sure that this is a legit training course? No big organisation that I know of would operate in this way. You aren't being asked to pay for your training, are you?

to answer your post. They havent made it clear at all, on thursday I recieved a txt asking what I was going to do regarding bringing my child up to them for the 5 months or not.

This had confused me due to their earlier response. I know my parents very well and if I said, yes Im taking my child up and going ahead with the course - they would be on the phone first thing ranting.

Just strange to ask again once everything had been concluded.

Yes, the course is legit, I am paid a salary, living and travel expenses are paid for. I dont feel I need to go into specifics regarding the role, its military orientated.

Once the training is completed I would be positioned near my family.

Regarding paying my family childcare costs. This was never an issue. Ive plenty of money to pay and would never dream of otherwise. I have raised my child the last 7 years with no assistance from the state, relatives or anyone. Everything from my own pocket on my own from childminders / afterschools/ etc etc.

Lastly, the idea of childcare and renting an apartment close by does sound a good idea but may not be practical after looking into it.

Regardless of the above, I think I am going to pass the opportunity and carry on raising my child here as I feel too 5 months could/would be too long when im the only constant adult in their life.

Yes, some people have been saying children are very adaptable and resilient to change. that maybe true but im a little dubious to risk it. This reason for any decision by an adult these days is followed up with that line. As I say it could be true but Im not going to risk it and see issues potentially manifest in the future.

Living here will continue to be a battle but it is what it is.

MOds you can close this thread

thanks everyone for your feedback, I read and weighed up everyones and appreciated the time taken to help. Decisions like these are always difficult when you are the only adult in the house and have nobody really to talk it over with.