abusive mother is dying

LegacyUser

my mother is dying , i havent seen her since i was 14 she left my brothers and I when we were 8 when her and my dad spilt, she was very abusive hurt us , hit us , hit my father beat him badly , she was a gambler etc... anyways heard through a relative that she is dying of bowel cancer. Im 21 and in the last few years she has tried constantly to get in touch and sort things out , she is still an alcoholic though . since I heard that she is dying I am in floods of tears , my father and brothers have heard too and don't care , they are happy over it she was extremely abusive locking us into cupboards for hours , slamming our hands betweens doors , trying to sell us to friends when drunk etc..

but my heart hurts , i really don't know how to feel as i still have good memories of her too...

i honestly don't know what to do should i get in contact with her but my father and brothers will disown me if i do so or shoud i just not get involved and remind myself of how she was.

LegacyUser

Why do yo want to meet her? If she's still an alcoholic then I can't see how her behaviour has changed. Addicts are terribly selfish and to be honest I can see why your brothers and dad never want to see her again. The abuse she dished out was horrific.

CaraMay

Do you have anything you want to say to her meaning do you have unfinished business with her? My concern, given that she is still drinking, is that she might suck you back in and hurt you all over again. It's not fair of your father and brother to pressure you but maybe they've been there and know she won't change.

jopax

Hi op,

That is a very sad situation to be in.
Could you find a counselor to chat to before she dies to try to sort your thoughts out.

If it something you need to do for yourself than do it, but please get some professional help to guide you through it.

Just because your brothers feel different to you that's not your fault, you are entitled to your feelings, don't suffer for fear of offending them, we all have to walk our own path.

Please get help as I really think this is way too much to deal with on your own.

catonthewire

jopax wrote: »

Hi op,

That is a very sad situation to be in.
Could you find a counselor to chat to before she dies to try to sort your thoughts out.

If it something you need to do for yourself than do it, but please get some professional help to guide you through it.

Just because your brothers feel different to you that's not your fault, you are entitled to your feelings, don't suffer for fear of offending them, we all have to walk our own path.

Please get help as I really think this is way too much to deal with on your own.

A wonderful post, this girl needs help dealing with her Mothers imminent death, regardless of the past she obviously needs closure on the past....

The Princess Bride

I think it is very important that you look after yourself right now.
You're most probably grieving for the lost childhood and remembering all the good, bad and ugly memories.
You're probably feeling guilty for being upset, and for feeling unsure-especially when you resisted her attempts to get in touch before.
This is a normal reaction, please understand this.

I agree with the poster who suggested you seek counselling, this is the best solution, as you need to discuss your feelings, and with someone who is not a friend /relative.

About your dad and brothers.Whatever you decide to do, they should stand back and let you do it.
By saying they'll disown you, they're unknowingly putting you under pressure you don't need right now.

Finally - whatever you decide to do, stick by that decision and realise that you made it for the right reason - otherwise, it could tear you apart down the road.

Best of luck and take care.

daheff

OP only you can say how you feel about your mother.

If your father/brothers feel that way about her, then thats their business. You all sound like you had a traumatic time with her and each will have your own feelings towards her. You should all respect that each other can and will have differences of opinion on her (especially over time after she passes).


However I will say one thing- you have a chance now to see her again before she passes. You wont get that chance once shes gone. I'd suggest you take it.

It might mean you end up very upset from meeting her (as she might not have changed at all or be apologetic over her behaviour), or it might mean that you get some kind of apology from her and your get some inner peace from it.

If you dont meet her what will happen is that you will always wonder about it. And the not knowing will eat away at you. At least if you meet her you will know what she was like up to the end and wont ever wonder.

If you look at it, you dont currently have a good opinion of her. Worst case is you meet and that view doesnt change. Best case is you do meet her and maybe get some apology and a better feeling towards her.


Either way it would be a good idea to talk with a counsellor about the whole situation to help you through the issues you have.

HelgaWard

God love you OP, that is a very difficult situation to be in. It sounds like your mother was a very 'sick' individual, long before she got terminal cancer. I could totally understand why you need closure, you are probably thinking that if you visit her, she might apologise for the past and for the hurt she caused you all. But at the end of the day you won't know how a visit will happen until you get there, you could arrive to her in a nasty drunk mood and she might say things that could hurt you. I don't think it is fair for your father and siblings to pressure you to decide in one way or another, at the end of the day it is your decision and your decision only. I think the suggestion of counseling is a really good one, irregardless of whether you visit or not, her being ill is bringing up old memories and maybe a sympathetic would be beneficial even if you have decided not to visit. Sometimes I find a good 'auld pro and con list is helpful in trying to reach a decision in which your brain and heart are at odds.
Whatever you decide, I'm wishing you the very very best for your future.

LegacyUser

It's unfair for your father and brothers to dictate what you should or shouldn't do, they must have an awful lot of hatred for her and personally I wouldn't want to live with such deep hatred in me for the rest of my life. It's completely understandable why you are so confused, she is your mother but behaved the total opposite to what she was supposed to be. But, she sounds like she was a very mentally ill person. The number one priority is to do what will be best for YOU not your siblings or even your mother, it can and should be all about you. What is your greatest fear of going to see her ? If you don't go will you forever regret it ? Unfortunately it is your mother who has caused you all this emotional damage, which you will no doubt have to carry for the rest of your life, but you are going to have to find a way of carrying it in the most peaceful way possible, for your own sanity. I've always believed that the ultimate justice is forgiveness. I am in a similar situation with my mother. My siblings refuse to speak or visit her, she is old, ill and fragile but she did change by the time her grandchildren came along and was loving kind and wonderful to them. I was able to forgive but now I am tortured seeing her suffering and sometimes I wish I could be as hardened as my siblings as they have a much easier time now. She cries for them every day. They no longer speak to me because I refused to disown her but I could only do what my conscience allowed. It's a terrible situation to be in. I wish I could give a definitive answer to your problem but I don't think there is one, the damage has already been done. I hope you find the way to limit the extent of it.