Sisters Facebook issue

LegacyUser

I am a regular poster on boards but I am going unreg for this.

Forgive me for the length of the post but this is one long and strange situation. I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for! And please guys, don't judge, I am not asking for that at all!

My sister is about 10 years younger than me.She is my only sister and I love her to bits. She turned 19 not too long ago. She doesn't have many close friends and doesn't seem to interact much with people her own age in school or in the locality. She'll be sitting the Leaving Cert in a few weeks. However on her Facebook page she's friends with people she's talked to through interest groups and band pages.

Recently enough she was out shopping with my mother. My sister is a massive fan of a certain movie and actually came across a shop that sold an item that's in this movie. She was oohhing and ahhhing over it and my mother could see she really wanted it. There was no price on the item so my mother told her to ask the shop assistant how much it was. My sister turned around to her and said "Oh no, it's ok, I have ordered this online."

Now my mother was baffled by this because my sister has no real income. She gave up her part time job because of the upcoming exams. She wasn't getting a lot of money anyway and anything she did have she has it spent. The only money she gets really is 20/30 quid off my mother every week.

My mother immediately questioned her about it but my sister just fobbed her off and wouldn't tell her too much about it. My mother pressed her for an answer but she wasn't getting anywhere with her and decided to leave it alone. She actually forgot about it afterwards.

Fast forward to yesterday. My mother picks my sister up from school. When they get home there's a box sitting at the front door. My sister dives out of the car, grabs the keys of the door off my mom, snatches the package and runs for her bedroom. Now at the same time my younger brother had ordered parts for his car from some online breaker/ dealer and my mother presumed the package was for him. She follows my sister into her room and says to her "Is that not for your brother?" My sister tells my mom it's her package and to get out of the room.

My sister had the package half opened and my mom can now see that it was the same item she was looking at in the shop not too long ago. It was clearly obvious my sister was uncomfortable with my mother and was definitely hiding something. My mother questioned her again as to how she ordered the item when she didn't have money. My sister doesn't give her a straight answer and tries to bull**** my mother buy saying that I ordered it for her. My mother knows this isn't true and eventually she drags the truth out of her.

Apparently one of my sisters Facebook friends sent this item to her. Now this part is a bit weird. The thing is, that it has her only her first name was on the package (no surname whatsoever) and then the address. My family live out in the sticks all together and there is no house number, so you need the surname. Plus there's another girl living in the area that shares the same first name and address as my sister. There's no post marks on it, just a sticker saying packaging paid £5.

My sister finally gave my mother the friends name. My mother demands that she show her who this person is but my sister is quite reluctant and keeps fobbing my mother off. My mother doesn't use Facebook at all and is not familiar with it. So she rings me, explains the situation and gets me to take a look at this persons profile.Not much comes up on the guys page except for his date of birth and the that he lives in England. He's 30 years older than my sister.

Myself and my mother are absolutely flabbergasted. My sister gave out her address to some stranger on the internet. Now as I said her birthday wasn't that long ago and I think it may have been a birthday present to her but still, a 49 year old guy sending a 19 year old girl who he only knows through Facebook a present, perhaps it's a bit over friendly? The item, as I explained, is from a movie she loves and there wasn't or isn't anything provocative or sexual about it.

Now look, I know she's 19, she's an adult. She can do whatever the hell she likes. But she's so bloody naive and look we all know the dangers of giving out personal info to strangers online. She knows this well enough too.
As I said she doesn't have many close friends and the best friend that she does have has certain problems that they are trying to live and deal with. She basically has no one.

Looking through her Facebook friends, about 20 or 30 of them are older men, hitting there forties and fifties, all living in different parts of the world. Fair enough but again, she's 19 years of age, friends with guys who could pass for her grandfather, let alone her father. I'd say something if she was putting up provocative pictures of herself but she's not. She's a stunning looking girl to be fair to her but all her profile pictures/selfies are innocent enough.

I have being turning this around in my head all night. I can't tell her how to live her life and tell her who to be friends and not friends with. I didn't realise these people were friends with her at all to be honest. I live a good 100 miles away from her, working every hour god sends and trying to get on with my own life. I can't be babysitting her on Facebook.

As I said, I do believe the guy sent this item to her as a birthday present. It's the first time this has happened and I don't really believe she would just befriend this guy and promise him the earth, moon and stars if he gives her gifts. It kinda looks like that in one way, but I don't think it's that kind of situation.

I really don't know what to say. I am not angry, I am more worried. I don't know whether to message the guy and ask him what's going on or leave it alone. Do I give my sister a boot up the arse and tell her to go out and make friends her own age and cop the hell on? I don't know what to say or do. I feel sorry for her in one way but in another, I am just so baffled by her!

TizTaly2015

Ok my INITIAL reaction to reading this was, so what. She's an adult. She can make contact with whoever she wants. And if men want to send her innocent presents, that's really her business...

But, on reflection and reading it again, I can see why you would be concerned for her IF and only IF she started to maybe show an interest in meeting some of these men. have you wondered why she is seeking this attention from men on the internet? Has she low self esteem - has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

LegacyUser

TizTaly2015 wrote: »

Ok my INITIAL reaction to reading this was, so what. She's an adult. She can make contact with whoever she wants. And if men want to send her innocent presents, that's really her business...

But, on reflection and reading it again, I can see why you would be concerned for her IF and only IF she started to maybe show an interest in meeting some of these men. have you wondered why she is seeking this attention from men on the internet? Has she low self esteem - has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Thank you for your reply. To be honest I knew I would get that response, and yeah you're right, she is 19, she is an adult and yeah it is her business.But just because 19 doesn't automatically give her the wisdom of the world either. As I said, she is very and I mean very naive. However I did think she knew better than to be giving out information, such as her home address, to people over the internet. My line of thought right now is that she gave out her address online to a stranger. A guy none of us know from Adam, what's to stop him from turning up on the front doorstep one day?

And I don't know about you but I am certainly uncomfortable with the idea of a guy 30 years older than her sending her presents, even if they were innocent. And as I pointed out, only her first name was printed on the package, no surname. That strikes me as very odd. No postage stamps, just a sticker saying packaging paid £5.

To answer your questions, as I said in my previous post, I am living over 100 mile from her, I work a lot and I don't really be on Facebook myself. I didn't realise she had so many older male "friends" on it. I honestly don't know why she's added these people. The only thing I can think of is that she has an eclectic taste in music and movies and these people found her through fan pages or vice versa.

She had a few small teenage romances, nothing major. But these would have being all boys her own age. She did have some self esteem issues when she was younger but honestly I think she's over it all now. As I said she's a stunning looking girl and she knows it. She's also a fiery young woman. I'd say out of the two of us, I'd have more self esteem issues than what she does. However saying all that, I do think there is something wrong somewhere. As I said she doesn't have many friends her own age, is a bit of a recluse and won't go out and make the effort with people. She's not shy by any means but she just doesn't try enough.

And in before anyone says she has some Daddy issues, her father (my dad also) is alive and still kicking ass and still is happily married to our mother. Like every child and parent they have had their ups and downs but he's being a good parent to her. He's put a roof over her head, put food on the table and has provided as much as he could for her and the rest of us.

silverfeather

It's very wrong what she is doing.

TizTaly2015 wrote: »

Ok my INITIAL reaction to reading this was, so what. She's an adult. She can make contact with whoever she wants. And if men want to send her innocent presents, that's really her business...

But, on reflection and reading it again, I can see why you would be concerned for her IF and only IF she started to maybe show an interest in meeting some of these men. have you wondered why she is seeking this attention from men on the internet? Has she low self esteem - has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Yeah I totally disagree with this one. It's very very weird. I have done that chain thing where you pick three people to send stuff to ages ago and they were women but I didn't let anyone send me something. But I have never ever let anyone particularly a man send me something. And the idea that it would be a man just makes it icky. It blurs lines.

If you do that you can't expect guys to respect you.

It's taking advantage of someone's generosity or loneliness. Or it's inviting something more sinister in.

Personally I would wager she knows what she is doing. It would seem like a VERY bad habit to get into at her age.

Why is she taking advantage of his generosity or his 'habit'....by the way there are some men who have a 'habit' or something for giving gifts to women especially young women. It's best to avoid them.

It obvious they feel this means they are involved in her life in some way and she should not be encouraging this.

She is very young you could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she has no idea how bad it is. But it's pretty bad.

Don't think women in the twenties who do this are fragile things looking for attention. They are not they are predators who know what they are doing. If you want attention put five selfies up in one hour and make everyone like them!

What she is doing is mean and in the end one of the guys is going to realize he is being taken advantage of and get angry. You can be friends without people sending you gifts!

Tell her mother. Or if you don't do that give her a good telling off.

LegacyUser

Op I'm inclined to agree with you, while she is 19 she is a bit naive, what if this guy came looking for or he keeps pestering her to meet up? She doesn't know him. The one thing I'm wondering is why would a 49 year old send her something if he gets nothing in return? did she send him pics of herself or something if she didn't have the money?
You know yourself you have to be really careful with social media and have the settings and security really tight, posting up stuff can come back to haunt her later.

Gatling

Been she's an adult I wouldn't be overly concerned.
Chances are they could just be friends who share a common interest .
In situations like this everyone seems to jump to the guy is creepy the guy will want something in return .
Without anyone knowing the finer details to actually what's going on .
For all we know she bought this item herself and when cornered by mammy she gave a name to get her off her back .
Op have you thought about having a quite word with her and explain your worried about her and the apparent situation.

silverfeather

Gatling wrote: »

Without anyone knowing the finer details to actually what's going on .
For all we know she bought this item herself and when cornered by mammy she gave a name to get her off her back .

That makes no sense. Telling her some guy bought it sounds MUCH worse than I wasted money on this myself. That's kind of a crazy thing to do. She tries to say it's the sister etc. Then she says it is some guy. Why say something so awful like that if it's not true?

The fact that the guy might not hurt her still leaves her taking advantage of him. If he expects nothing in return then he is being taken for a ride. It's callous. Nineteen should be an age of innocence not innocence lost. She is learning to use and to profit from using.

Regardless of whether or not he wanted something in return she should have the graciousness not to accept. That in itself is serious.

whatismyname

Concerned sis wrote: »

And as I pointed out, only her first name was printed on the package, no surname. That strikes me as very odd. No postage stamps, just a sticker saying packaging paid £5.

In terms of a sticker saying postage page, and no postage stamps, thought I'd just mention, if he's based in England, is this just Royal Mail online postage? This bit definitely didn't strike me as odd on reading it, as I just assumed that's what it was. I don't know if An Post do it, but in the UK with Royal Mail we can just buy postage online, print onto paper or a label and put it on the package. (I post stuff a lot, but haven't used stamps in years)

Sorry to not comment much on the rest, but just wanted to mention that, and in relation to the rest, I'd be wary too.

athtrasna

I would be inclined to show her this story...http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/sisters-allegedly-assaulted-by-men-they-met-on-facebook-1.2217543

The youngest sister in that case was 19, the other 21. Both "adults" and look at what meeting strangers from Facebook allegedly did to them.

I'd also suggest you sister tightens her Facebook privacy settings so that she can't just randomly be added by someone more than twice her age.

R.D. aka MR.D

When I read your post, I immediately thought of my ex-boyfriend from college. He had a sister who was about 7 years older than him and was hell bent on telling him how to live his life. Everything he did was 'silly and immature' but to be honest who isn't silly and immature at that age? I'm almost your age OP and looking back on being 19, I did stupid things. Didn't we all?

What you also have to realise is that 19 year olds nowadays have a different relationship with the internet than we do.

She is 19 and she might not seem as 'with it' as you would like. Maybe she isn't. All you can do is say 'Hey, mam told me you're getting presents of people from the internet. Do you think that's such a good idea?'.

Other than that, I say; let the girl live her own life and make her own mistakes and be there for her if she ever needs you (as a sister, not some sort of second mammy).

txt_mess

You can lecture your sister on internet safety but unless she's willing to listen it'll be a waste of your time.

I would however insist that she not give out your parents address as your parents are not the ones talking to these guys and they shouldn't be included in it , insist she gets parcel motel or something.

Calhoun

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

When I read your post, I immediately thought of my ex-boyfriend from college. He had a sister who was about 7 years older than him and was hell bent on telling him how to live his life. Everything he did was 'silly and immature' but to be honest who isn't silly and immature at that age? I'm almost your age OP and looking back on being 19, I did stupid things. Didn't we all?

What you also have to realise is that 19 year olds nowadays have a different relationship with the internet than we do.

She is 19 and she might not seem as 'with it' as you would like. Maybe she isn't. All you can do is say 'Hey, mam told me you're getting presents of people from the internet. Do you think that's such a good idea?'.

Other than that, I say; let the girl live her own life and make her own mistakes and be there for her if she ever needs you (as a sister, not some sort of second mammy).

Pretty much this, its great that you are concerned for your sister and while you can offer advice, how she lives her life right or wrong is non of your business. Giving her a telling off will only have a negative impact and you will either drive her into more secrecy or be told to mind your own business.

Holysock

txt_mess wrote: »

You can lecture your sister on internet safety but unless she's willing to listen it'll be a waste of your time.

I would however insist that she not give out your parents address as your parents are not the ones talking to these guys and they shouldn't be included in it , insist she gets parcel motel or something.

I agree with this advice particularly about parcel motel. I know if my 19 year old sister did the same, the thing my parents would be most furious about would be that their address was given to a total stranger. Whatever your now adult sister does online is her own business, but giving out your mother's address online to strangers is not on. If it was the address to her own place it would be a different story.

LegacyUser

Again I thank you all for the replies.

I have read them all and some points I tend to agree and disagree. Yes she's 19, yes she's legally an adult BUT STILL she's a very immature, very naive 19 year old. And he is still 30 years older than her. Doesn't matter if it isn't my business or my parents business, he shouldn't be sending her gifts and she shouldn't be receiving them AND most importantly she shouldn't be giving some total stranger her address. The end of the day I am her older sister and I am trying to look out for her. I think I am entitled to do that much.

Anyway, I had a chat with her last night about the whole thing. I questioned her about the whole thing. Apparently he'd being talking to her since April. They were talking about their tastes in music but she did say that he asked if she had a boyfriend on a number of occasions. That statement right there tells me enough. I talked to her about her safety online and about how bloody dangerous it is. And I think she has gotten the message.

She's returning the items back to him and cutting contact with him.

Anyway Mods, feel free to close the thread now. I feel the issue has being resolved.

orthsquel

I think you really need to sit and have a chat with her in general. I'd look at it from the point that ok, she may not have any real friends in real life, (which is no big deal really) and that her closest friend is going through something, and that it is possible that her friends consist of people on the internet, all over the world, of different ages and interests. I don't see what is really wrong in that, tbh. That is, after all, the whole point of the internet, getting to know people from all around the world and realising we can have common interests with them too, and not just limiting ourselves to the people around us.
I think you need to try and understand the context of the male friends; are they just internet friends, someone she can chat with online and feel that bit less lonely, people she may have shared interests with, people who may encourage her on her hobbies, or people who may like her as a person and give her that bit of friendship that she needs?
tbh internet friends, no matter how nice they are, cannot replace interacting with real, live people in real time, in the flesh. It is possible that she may have interests that are not the norm for her age, nor general socially accepted, or may be more mature and just naturally get on better with people older than her or have interests that really do fall outside the maturity level of her age group. She probably needs the encouragement to find proper friends, as internet friends don't last forever for whatever reason but she would be doing herself a disservice in not developing herself socially or, if perhaps that where she lives doesn't offer her anything in terms of her interests, she should be encouraged to try a different environment.
As for the package... she may have felt really exposed in being found out. there may be real self esteem issues beneath the surface, however, if this was the first instance of anyone sending her anything and more to be taken as a birthday gift, I'd consider it as a nice gesture by someone and hope that on their part there was nothing more to it, than perhaps a nice gesture. I'd agree with her using parcel motel though. I'd be a lot more wary giving out my phone number or address today than I would have been 15 years ago (in general and online), and even 15 years ago I was wary about who I gave that information to, especially if it was the family home, but 20 odd years ago it didn't matter. It does now though.