Simple Question

LegacyUser

Hi people. I have one question that I would like feedback on because I'm lost.

How do you begin to forgive your partner when they lie to you? I don't mean little white lies that we all tell, but big lies that leave your world turned upside down. Not an affair but close to it.

If anyone has any constructive advice, I would really appreciate it because I don't know how to start forgiving someone. I really really want to forgive him and move on because I love him but I'm afraid I will become bitter.

ElleEm

It sounds like you would benefit from counselling. You also need to have very deep and transparent conversations with your partner so that you can learn to trust him again.

mapaca

It's one of those "how long is a piece of string" questions - every situation is different. I would imagine that the first thing to consider is whether this person is sorry for what they've done and wants to be forgiven. Counselling is probably your best option, not only to repair the relationship, but also to allow you to do some clear thinking on how you want to proceed.

Est28

It depends on a few factors, like what happened, how bad was it, are they truly worry and was it a mistake and would never happen again or was it something you found out about but it could happen again?

I seem to be in the minority with this view, but it amazes me people just continue to be in relationships with people who've done bad stuff to them or abused their trust in any way.
There's a whole world with literally BILLIONS of people you could be with, most of them quite nice people, yet some choose to cling to people who make them unhappy. It's baffling.

LegacyUser

Op here. We are starting counselling in a couple of weeks. Just waiting for a slot. Didn't go into detail in the original post because, to be honest, I don't think its relevant. I think the whole concept of forgiveness is so personal to each person. Something I might forgive easily in relationship may be seen as unforgiveable by the next person.

He is sorry so that's something. We have spoken about it at length so again, there is openness there. However, I just want things to be ok again. I want to move on. But I just don't know how to forgive.

He is a good person. He is good to me, good to our children, good in general so staying with him is not just settling for whatever I have. We had something really good going.

I don't know, its a confusing time.

Rubberchikken

hi op
sorry you're going through a difficult time. doing counselling will, in the long run, help you both.
it's good that he seems genuinely sorry and that's a good start. io doubt that the forgiveness will come soon or very suddenly. i do think it can happen over time but it will involve a lot of work.

wishing you well.

jimmycrackcorm

People are human and make mistakes.it's also a very human trait to be able to forgive.

Speaking from experience it is possible to accept this but also know that this is limited. My opinion is to have the tolerance to forgive once but no tolerance to forgive twice.

silverfeather

There is what your head wants to do and what your hearts wants to do. The heart wants what it wants. Trust is important. He and you need to work on that.

HelgaWard

I think different people have different capacities to forgive than others. I think it is a healthy thing to be able to digest things, forgive and move on, if the other person is truly sorry. Personally I find that very hard to do, and hold grudges for waaaaay longer than necessary. Really it's only you who can decide if you can forgive.