Early Relationship Doubts

LegacyUser

Hi,

Well basically I have been seeing this guy for around 6 months. Been officially "an item" for about 3 months. We'd been friends / aquaintances for a good few years previously as we were in the same class in secondary school, plenty of mutual friends etc.

We get on great, we both have similar personalities / interests / senses of humour, and he is genuinely a really lovely fella and treats me so well. I've never had somebody be so in love with me. That might sound big headed but I just mean he always tells me how great, beautiful, amazing he thinks I am. I've had ex's in the past who really took me for granted and in comparison to that this is lovely.

But that is part of what my problem is

I feel a bit overwhelmed by all this love. When he first said he loved me I said it back, and I meant it. I do definitely love him as a person, but I actually don't know for sure if I'm "in love" with him.

And this makes me feel guilty and under pressure.
We're always told that some day we'll find this perfect person who will treat you right and love you for who you are etc, and I seem to have found that, so why the doubts?

Another issue is that since before we had even gotten together I had been planning on emigrating to Canada. I finished college last summer, and started to save for Canada then. I only had a part time job for a while so wasn't able to save much for the first few months. I now have a full time one in the area I studied, but it will still take me about another year to save for Canada. He is currently still in college but has decided to drop out and start saving too so he can come to Canada with me too. This makes me feel a bit trapped and under pressure too, even though its coming from a place of purely good intentions. In his head he is willing to drop everything so when I leave he can come. But I see it is having to commit to a long time, which is pretty scary at the early stages of a relationship. Like I said it will probably take about another year to save and then there's at least a year in Canada. Committing to someone for two years is scary to me when we've only been together a short time. But at the same time, I understand that deciding on coming to Canada obviously takes time to prepare and save so it can't be a last minute decision.

I don't want the time to come where I'm leaving for Canada in a couple of months, and he's dropped out of college to save to come with me, and feel like I don't want to be together, but I'd feel guilty breaking up after what he's sacrificed to join me.

Tbh I had always thought when I leave to emmigrate and travel I would be single and on my own. I'm a pretty independent person and the idea of so much of someones life and happiness being on my shoulders really makes me uncomfortable.

Anything could happen in a relationship months and years down the line, and if I'm already having some doubts in this early stage I'm wondering would it be fairer to all involved to just end things now?

Lollipops23

As someone who's in Canada currently, I'll tell you what I know. Moving here is hard. I know several couples who came here together and they'll all tell you it puts a strain on the relationship. It's a lot of pressure on both parties at the start, because you're the only person each other has. You need to be reasonably solid to make it work.

If you had to leave him behind (say he didn't want to drop out) would you be devastated? Or would you brush it off and go anyway? If it's the latter you already know the answer.

Pomplamousse

Honestly, from the sounds of your post, I think you should just break up with this guy now. Just because he's really into you is no reason for you to stay with him, and it doesn't sound like the feeling is mutual.

LegacyUser

The one thing I find crazy is this dude is willing to drop out of college to save money to move to Canada two years from now. If it was me I'd prefer to arrive in Canada with some kind of qualification rather than nothing. You need to have a serious chat and tell him to cop on.

CaraMay

Op it's your responsibility to talk to him and tell him all this. Can't believe he would drop out of college - daft. The best thing you can ever do for him is be straight up with him.

Shelga

Can't believe he is willing to drop out of a college for someone he has been official with for 3 months. His ambitions and career progress are secondary to following you around like a lovesick puppy while you pursue your dreams. Being honest with yourself, don't you find that deeply unattractive?

OP, it sounds like he is a lovely albeit clingy guy, who you're already starting to feel like you're with out of obligation. Going to Canada alone would be the most exhilarating, scary, great, life-affirming experience- the sense of independence you'd have, like if you could do this you could do anything. Do you want that clouded by someone else's needs? I'm guessing you're only in your early/mid twenties although if you were 40 I'd be saying the same thing.

End it now.

LegacyUser

Shelga wrote: »

Can't believe he is willing to drop out of a college for someone he has been official with for 3 months. His ambitions and career progress are secondary to following you around like a lovesick puppy while you pursue your dreams. Being honest with yourself, don't you find that deeply unattractive?

OP, it sounds like he is a lovely albeit clingy guy, who you're already starting to feel like you're with out of obligation. Going to Canada alone would be the most exhilarating, scary, great, life-affirming experience- the sense of independence you'd have, like if you could do this you could do anything. Do you want that clouded by someone else's needs? I'm guessing you're only in your early/mid twenties although if you were 40 I'd be saying the same thing.

End it now.

Hi

OP here

Thanks for all the replies. I think this one especially was kinda what I needed to hear. A bit tough but I think its true.

I do really like / love him as a person. I'd feel mean breaking up with him as he hasn't actually done anything bad to me. But I agree that the whole needy lovesick puppy dog thing, while sweet in a way, is a bit unattractive.

I feel some conflict too as in my last relationship my bf could be the polar opposite. I often felt unloved and unwanted with him, and now that I have a lovely guy who loves and appreciates me, but for some reason that puts me off a bit.

I know if I'm feeling this way and if I care about him the fairest thing to do is end it now before it goes any deeper, but I still don't want to hurt him. I need to figure out a way of letting him down gently, but firmly too. Any suggestions on this would be really helpful.

CaraMay

Tell him a nice version of the truth by explaining his willingness to give up everything for a new relationship is off putting. You don't have to be nasty but he deserves to know what he is doing wrong for the future

Stavro Mueller

There's no easy way to break up with someone. You'd not be lying though if you said you didn't feel the same way about him and that it wasn't working. I'd nip it in the bud now to be honest, before he does something stupid.

I'm not sure how you'd broach the subject but I agree with CaraMay - he needs to be told that the intense lovesick puppy thing is going to put off future girlfriends. The truth hurts but sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.