Friend is Embarrassing Me

LegacyUser

Hey,

Unreg here, so I am. Just looking for a bitta advice. I remember a thread similar to this a while back but couldn't find it so I made my own.

My best friend and I have been friends for seven years (both 21). The only thing that annoys me about her (worse lately) is she embarrasses me in front of others, i.e. telling embarrassing stories from when we were 13 to 16 (they embarrass me more than her, or make me out to be an idiot), or she makes lame jokes about me, that people (and I mean it when I say it's not just me) don't really find that funny.

Stories would be the likes of how when we were 14, we waited outside a radio station to meet Westlife (huge fans) and how I cried meeting Nicky (the shame!). Things like that embarrass me as that's not who I am now. She'd still jump at a heartbeat to do that sort-of stuff (plans on going to RTE one of the days to see Nicky after his money show, used to meet Kian after the Voice, etc), so she doesn't see how it embarrasses me. There's more embarrassing stories too, but I fear I've said too much already and can be identified!

I'm all for laughing at myself and I make jokes about myself all the time, but hers come across as meaner than funnier. Of course the one time I need one, none come to mind, but last Thursday one of them just fell really flat and it was awful and awkward. I just had to do a fake laugh, and I think the guy I was talking to fake-laughed as well (it was the most half-hearted laugh).

I asked her to stop and told her it embarrasses me (even pulled her aside in the situations while she's doing it) and she says she's not embarrassing me, I've embarrassed myself so she gets to tell people about it, I just embarrass myself on my own in the story with no help from her so it's not her embarrassing me, it's just banter, etc.

It's only social situations she'll do this in (mainly at parties/the pub), but it's mostly when I'm getting on well with a man. It's like as soon as she knows I fancy a guy she tries to embarrass me completely. I'm at my wits end now as I don't want her doing it again when we're out on Saturday, where I know the man I like will be.

At first I thought it was her way of being funny, but there's no reason why these off-topic jokes/stories are pulled up. Like we were talking about the birth of Princess Charlotte when she brought up the me crying at Nicky Byrne story, one time.

I think she's low self-esteem. She wouldn't laugh at herself much or make jokes about herself. Her stories are usually exaggerated to make life sound fantastic, with only the best of the best stories and the odd photoshopped photo on Facebook.

Anybody got any words of wisdom?


[BOLD] TLDR; [/BOLD] best friend is embarrassing me in front of a lot of people, but mainly men I like. Lost as to what to say.

R.D. aka MR.D

Why are you friends with her other than the fact that you have known each other a long time?

It seems like you are being a little sensitive though. I've done plenty of embarrassing things in my life and people will bring them up. Brush it off. If it happened, it happened.

If she is being mean, then I think my first question stands. Why are you friends with someone who is mean?

Rubberchikken

if the comments are mean rather than jokey, then it's time to have a chat with her. maybe after the chat she won't want to be your friend and while that may hurt for a bit, you'll both survive.

it could be low self-esteem, like you say, but it doesn't give a person the right to be mean to someone else. plus she's old enough to know better.

i don't think you're being sensitive. we're not here to be made the butt of a cruel joke. funny, laugh-at-yourself jokes of things we did when we were younger are way different to things that embarrass us and make us squirm.

strobe

Yeah, sounds like she's cock blocking you alright. Talk to her again and call her out saying you know exactly what she's doing and why she's doing it.

Neyite

She sounds awful. She is deliberately sabotaging your chances with potential dates, and gets a kick out of it. Hugely disrespectful.

Friends are supposed to be supportive and encouraging. She is no friend, and to be honest, long history or not, I'd be ditching her.

fizzypish

Either own the embarrassment or quit hanging out with the friend. Next time she says it own it and sing westlife at her until she get uncomfortable or a few bars at the guy your chatting to. Me and my mates used to tear each other to pieces. Thick skin takes a while to grow.

kylith

The best things to do would be to stop hanging around with her, which would be my first suggestion as you have spoken to her about it and she has no intention of taking your feelings into account.

Otherwise you need to own it, don't let it embarrass you, and even turn it around on her; if she brings up waiting for a singer say something like 'Well, I'd hardly let you go on your own after you begged me', or 'I can't believe I had a thing for him when I was 14, but no-where near as much as you. Didn't you used to kiss his poster before bed?' Who cares if it's not entirely true, the aim is to show her that you'll give as good as you get.

It boils down to jealousy and control; she is jealous that you are getting male attention and she is trying to control who you talk to by trying to scare them off, or make you to embarrassed to talk to them, by bringing up things she knows will embarrass you. You can stop talking to her, stop talking to men, or laugh at her like the pathetic person she is.

retro:electro

Next time she brings up the westlife story just say "sure you waited for kian only recently after the voice, so what's your point?"
You need to tell her what she's doing isn't funny, it's immauture and embarrassing.
I'd have cut contact a long time ago if I were you.

zoobizoo

Sounds more like she is a bit socially inept and hasn't quite grown up.

Sounds like you are more worried about her behaviour in front of others than you should be.

It also sounds like you are moving ahead of her socially and in terms of how you interact with others.

I have met others like her - they think that it is a way of being funny. Maybe that is how she feels she can bring humour to a conversation without realising the impact it has.

You can try to help her along on that journey of growing up and learning how to interact better - that's what a friend would do.

I'm not saying that it isn't annoying but if she has esteem issues and you are a good friend, maybe look at other ways to help her improve herself.

Sunflower 27

Hi there

It sounds like you have outgrown her.

I remember being 15 and being a Bros fan. Who? Yeah, I'm old When I was in my 20s, being reminded of it would make me cringe beyond belief. Now, in my 40s, I laugh about it. I was just like all the One Direction fans now (maybe not quite as fantatical, but you know what I mean). It is pretty much a rite of passage of being a teenage girl to be mad about a pop star.

You have pulled her aside and told her it bothers you so I am not sure what else you can do. You could always just laugh it off - most of us have some cringey crushes in our past - and joke that while you have got over it, she obviously hasn't as she still loves Nicky.

Failing that, it may be time to rethink the friendship. Do you feel you are more mature than her? I know if a friend asked me to stop doing something because it embarrassed them, I would without question.

ShowMeTheCash

I am going to go against the grain here and disagree with basically everyone on this thread.

The situations you have mentioned are hardly important, if you are embarrassed by stories from when you where 13 perhaps you are the one with self-esteem issues?
You say this is not who you are anymore, maybe or maybe this is exactly who you are but like most people you probably want to forget the silliness of your youth and only exhibit the more refined elements to who you think you are now.

The examples you give I think are nothing to get overly upset over, you might find them embarrassing right now but maybe in another 10 years you will look back on your youth and laugh with your friend and relive the "Waiting for West life" story with a certain amount of Nostalgia not embarrassment.

21 is a weird age, when I look back to my late teens early 20s I would consider this to be my most embarrassing era, I walked like and adult I talked like an adult but lacked experience thought I knew everything and placed importance on many of the wrong things...

Is your friend a good friend? If so do not let silliness get in the way of that!

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP used to have a friend like that, we were at school together.

I always seemed to be the butt of the jokes. The Ernie Wise to his Eric Morcombe. When we'd go after girls I always seemed to get the short straw.

Then one day I pulled an absolute beauty, really lovely girl. Her mate though not so hot. Guess what he didn't want to play and went home in a huff.

It lifted the mist from my eyes and that was that .

All the best OP.

Est28

I had a similar struggle over the last year, wrote about it here.

Same idea, 2 guy friends would just say really stupid things a lot and be very negative or nasty or just, as you said, would say things to embarrass me or just plain creep out any girl I'd be seen talking to.

To cut a long story short, I just stopped hanging with them so much. I didn't have a blowup with them but I just started doing my own things without them. You've moved on in life, same as myself and these friends just want to hold you back.

A lot of the time people stay friends with people "just because", they always were and feel obliged to continue it. But if a friend acts like this, how much of a friend are they? And why are you obliged to continue to put up with it?

They'll swear blindly they are doing nothing, but you said yourself, she only gets worse around other people and worse again around guys you like. Even if it's subconscious she knows what she's doing.

Drop her, move on with a better life for yourself, there's nothing wrong with that IMO. If she wanted to come on the same journey with you she would have already.

orthsquel

It is possible that where stories involve the both of you, she is not embarrassed by her own actions and involvement. Where stories involve just you, it is embarrassing for you. If it was your parent or sibling or relative telling these stories to a group of your friends or in front of someone you like, you'd probably be as equally mortified, but would you stop talking to that relative or just wish the ground would swallow you up, or just laugh it off?
I'd also take into consideration it is about getting attention using a story about you, but if it's done in such a way to make you look like a less better choice than her in a very mean way, then it says a lot more about her than anyone else, that socially she is not good with small talk or getting attention or maintaining interest and has to use some story about you to gain that.
I'd also consider that she uses these stories as a way to convey your friendship ... and perhaps isn't ready to loose her "partner in crime" of mad adventures to other people, particularly a romantic interest, especially if she herself has no other friends to fall back on, or has struggled to make new friends.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

If it's the only thing that's bad in the friendship then I wouldn't go immediately for the nuclear option, but it's still not great behaviour. I'm 26 now, but looking back at some of the female friendships I had in late teens and early twenties, a lot of messed up behaviour went on. It can be an age where people are super conscious of their looks, attractiveness and social capital and can only frame their evaluation of their own in relation to other people's. There can be a lot of insecurity and jealousy and competition going on, and it's often completely unacknowledged or the person isn't even aware of it themselves.

If you've pulled her up on it and made it clear it's bothering you, there's not much more you can do to change her behaviour. If it's a friendship you want to maintain though, you can work on changing your reaction to her behaviour. Don't get into some petty tit-for-tat of you both telling bitchy stories about each other and making everyone else uncomfortable. Roll your eyes, shrug it off and change the subject, which shouldn't be difficult if the stories are falling as flat as you say (though I appreciate it's still a lot easier said than done). If she's getting no reaction from you and no laughs from any third party, she might give up. If not, seriously do rethink if you're bothered staying friends with her.

As for this Saturday, how you felt about Westlife at 14 is going to be pretty far down this lad's list of criteria for liking you, I guarantee.

catonthewire

Sorry but IMO you're being extremely dramatic, I doubt if anyone , especially guys really give a hoot about the Westlife stories...
This is your best friend, I bet she has been with you through thick and thin, if you can't deal.with her telling stories from your joint past then move on and let her find friends who aren't so hung up on themselves...
If I got annoyed every time friends embarrassed me in public, and vice versa I'd never leave the house.....
Seems like a pretty lame excuse to be honest to end a good friendship...

zoobizoo

Just to add, at 21 I felt that my best friend had moved on with a whole new circle of college friends. I hadn't made any great friends where I was in college and I never felt comfortable in his new circle of friends. He used to embarrass me when I was a teenager - his clothes, the way he spoke to people. We often used to try to "cock block" each other until we realised that we weren't into the same type of women. . .

20 years later we are still best friends... what connected us was our sense of humour and the fact that we just like each other. I was his best man, he;ll be mine. Some of those stories from our past came up in the speech I gave at his wedding.

If you can see beyond the embarrassment and try to remember why you are friends - the common interests, the common sense of humour, the fact that you are there for each other.

Who is more important to you - her or some random guy you've met in a bar?

Est28

catonthewire wrote: »

Sorry but IMO you're being extremely dramatic, I doubt if anyone , especially guys really give a hoot about the Westlife stories...
This is your best friend, I bet she has been with you through thick and thin, if you can't deal.with her telling stories from your joint past then move on and let her find friends who aren't so hung up on themselves...
If I got annoyed every time friends embarrassed me in public, and vice versa I'd never leave the house.....
Seems like a pretty lame excuse to be honest to end a good friendship...

I don't agree here. Nobody is obliged to stay "besties" with anyone who's holding you back, or moving in a different direction or just being nasty. If a friend, who was a friend at one time, no longer is on the same pat as you, you're not obliged to continue on their path in life.

As for the guy thing... yeah, most guys will think it's just cute or silly but these things do change your perception of someone.
I said I had guy friends who did the same. They would very deliberately say very very odd stuff if I was talking to a girl. Sometimes it was stupid stuff, sometimes it was nasty but it was always to give someone a bad perception of me, so I've been there with the OPs situation and I dont think she's obliged in any way to just "put up" with her friends.

Friendship is based on give and take and enjoying the company of each other in your life. If someone is becoming a drag this whole idea of "we were besties once, now I can do/say anything I want and you HAVE to still be my friend" is ridiculous. Her friend is being an idiot and she knows it.

To be honest I'm only guessing here but nobody seems to have mentioned this. Sounds like a classic situation where the OP might be the prettier of the two, getting some attention from the guys and her friend is just jealous and has her own issues but chooses to take it out on OP by trying to ruin her chances if she can't have the guys herself.... NOT. A. FRIEND.

ShowMeTheCash

Est28 wrote: »

I don't agree here. Nobody is obliged to stay "besties" with anyone who's holding you back, or moving in a different direction or just being nasty. If a friend, who was a friend at one time, no longer is on the same pat as you, you're not obliged to continue on their path in life.

As for the guy thing... yeah, most guys will think it's just cute or silly but these things do change your perception of someone.
I said I had guy friends who did the same. They would very deliberately say very very odd stuff if I was talking to a girl. Sometimes it was stupid stuff, sometimes it was nasty but it was always to give someone a bad perception of me, so I've been there with the OPs situation and I dont think she's obliged in any way to just "put up" with her friends.

Friendship is based on give and take and enjoying the company of each other in your life. If someone is becoming a drag this whole idea of "we were besties once, now I can do/say anything I want and you HAVE to still be my friend" is ridiculous. Her friend is being an idiot and she knows it.

To be honest I'm only guessing here but nobody seems to have mentioned this. Sounds like a classic situation where the OP might be the prettier of the two, getting some attention from the guys and her friend is just jealous and has her own issues but chooses to take it out on OP by trying to ruin her chances if she can't have the guys herself.... NOT. A. FRIEND.

You are not obliged to stay friends of course your not but in my opinion and in many cases but not all, people who have this sense of "I have moved on" or "they are holding me back" are usually full of there own self importance and usually in the late teen early 20s bracket, they think it is important but in reality nobody cares well apart from them.
Also people love to use this as a reason for not succeeding "the reason I did not get with that guy/girl is because of my friend.."
Chances are you did not get with them is because you where not interesting or never had a chance to begin with but you keep telling yourself it was your friends fault!

Est28 wrote: »

most guys will think it's just cute or silly but these things do change your perception of someone.

Hmm no they don't unless you are completely shallow then OK maybe they do.

Est28 wrote: »

Friendship is based on give and take and enjoying the company of each other in your life.

I find this to be a shallow interpretation of what a friend is, it uses the happy path to friendship or as some people would call a "fair weather friend"..

catonthewire

Est28 wrote: »

I don't agree here. Nobody is obliged to stay "besties" with anyone who's holding you back, or moving in a different direction or just being nasty. If a friend, who was a friend at one time, no longer is on the same pat as you, you're not obliged to continue on their path in life.

As for the guy thing... yeah, most guys will think it's just cute or silly but these things do change your perception of someone.
I said I had guy friends who did the same. They would very deliberately say very very odd stuff if I was talking to a girl. Sometimes it was stupid stuff, sometimes it was nasty but it was always to give someone a bad perception of me, so I've been there with the OPs situation and I dont think she's obliged in any way to just "put up" with her friends.

Friendship is based on give and take and enjoying the company of each other in your life. If someone is becoming a drag this whole idea of "we were besties once, now I can do/say anything I want and you HAVE to still be my friend" is ridiculous. Her friend is being an idiot and she knows it.

To be honest I'm only guessing here but nobody seems to have mentioned this. Sounds like a classic situation where the OP might be the prettier of the two, getting some attention from the guys and her friend is just jealous and has her own issues but chooses to take it out on OP by trying to ruin her chances if she can't have the guys herself.... NOT. A. FRIEND.

Of course people are entitled to move on from friendships, we aren't duty bound to stay in stagnant friendships....
However , as I already pointed out , it does seem a poor excuse to end a seven year friendship with a girl who insists on telling stupid stories...


The OP should deal with the situation maturely, I suggest that she asks her out for a drink, then raises the subject , make her aware that she is unhappy and hopes to find a solution.......

Nowhere in the OPs post does she hint that there are any other issues in their friendship, hence suggesting it's good....


Your point on jealousy is merely an assumption, not everyone who embarrasses a friend is driven by jealousy, if this is the case then perhaps then what do you suggest?
The OP moves on and hangs out with the beautiful people?????