My Dad was Gay and Died of AIDS

Ed The Equalizer

When I was 11 my parents suddenly announced they were separating. I didn't know why, and was devastated.

A year later, in early January, 1989, I was out with my Dad for the afternoon. We came back to his rented apartment and the door was slightly open. I walked in ahead of him and turned the corner down the hall. There, in huge black letters, on the cream wallpaper to my right was spray painted in big black letters "GET OUT". Shocked, I continued into the sitting room - and straight ahead of me on the big cream curtain was spray painted "QUEER".

I saw the colour draining from my Dad’s face, and he said we needed to go to the police station to report it. When the policeman asked him did he know anyone who might have broken in to his apartment, he told me to go and wait in the car. Then he brought me home to Mum. When Dad had left and I told her what I saw, she said "Sit down, I've something to tell you. Your Dad is homosexual, do you know what that means?"

I told her yes, I kind of did.

That night, I had a nightmare that our house was falling down and I ran into my Mum's room crying. I projectile vomited all over her carpet and was sick with a fever for a week. I remember not wanting to see Dad, because it was "all his fault".

During that week, Mum told me something else - "Your Dad is sick and the doctors have told him he only has 2 years left to live". It was like my whole life had crumbled. I loved him to bits - my heart was already broken, and now he was going to die.

He died that August, just 7 months later. He was lucky in the end that he had a brain haemorrhage and went quickly. It was bad but could have been worse. Being at boarding school, I only saw him 4 or 5 more times between January and August.

During that time, life had got tough. I was bullied for the last couple of months of the school year and I was beginning to feel really insecure.

When Dad died I was devastated. I slept in Mum's bed every night and bawled myself to sleep with her cuddling me. It was agony. Over the next weeks/months/years I could mark my recovery by how often I cried. For the first couple of months it was every night, then every second night, then less frequently. Sometime around 10 years later I realised I'd cried for the first time in 5 years.

But life was hard. The bullying continued in school, I felt different, I was lost and scared. I put on a mask to hide it, and never breathed a word of what had happened to me for the next 10 years.

A year after Dad died I saw a TV programme about Freddie Mercury dying of AIDS. I put two and two together and asked Mum “Did Dad have AIDS?” She replied “Yes, he did.” By this point nothing really surprised me. It was another big blow for an already fragile 14 year old.

When I started drinking at age 16, it was a relief. It was a way for me to fit in. And a few years later I found drugs. In particular hash was the perfect way for me to escape my thoughts. I indulged for the next 14 years until, predictably enough, it ended in the lockup ward of John of Gods.

When the talk of the referendum started, I didn’t take a huge amount of notice. As far as I was concerned, gay marriage did already exist, as I’d seen photos of gay civil ceremonies. But then as the debate began to rage and the surrogacy issue emerged, my old feelings began to resurface. I remembered what I’d felt when I found out Dad was gay, how alone I’d felt in my teenage years, how I kept a big secret to myself for a full decade.

And then I thought “What if Dad had been married to a man and I’d been a surrogate child?” How would I have felt? Honestly, I think I would have hated it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought over the years that I shouldn’t be here. Dad should have been with a man instead of marrying Mum and I should never have been born. I used wish it regularly. I’m finally settled with a loving family and can see life as a gift, but it took me a lot of heartache to get to this point.

I want gay people to be happy, and of course I believe we’re all equal regardless of sexuality. But I can’t help worry that no matter how much equality there ends up being, if children are brought up in gay marriages, they’re going to end up feeling like me.

With all that in mind - how to vote - for obvious reasons I’m completely torn.

Cr4pSnip3r

Ed The Equalizer wrote: »

I want gay people to be happy, and of course I believe we’re all equal regardless of sexuality. But I can’t help worry that no matter how much equality there ends up being, if children are brought up in gay marriages, they’re going to end up feeling like me.

Not to be rude but... do you not think your situation is a little bit (see: a lot) different to how the average same-sex marriage family would work out?

A_Sober_Paddy

Also this is a not a referendum on surrogacy...

Mint Aero

Interesting insight and perspective OP. Thank you for sharing. I was intending to vote no for reasons similar to this but this of course is quite an eye opener and I will vote no in clear conscience that I'm doing what I think is right.

Stheno

Cr4pSnip3r wrote: »

Not to be rude but... do you not think your situation is a little bit (see: a lot) different to how the average same-sex marriage family would work out?

And that it's not just gay people who get aids?

The J Stands for Jay

The story could be read as a reason to vote yes also.

IngazZagni

I'm sorry for your personal situation op but I'm not really sure I get your point. By voting no you are allowing the exact same thing to continue happening. By voting yes you are also allowing the exact same thing to continue happening.

However it is my belief that a yes vote will further lower the stigma against gay people and lead more people to be more open by it. That could lead to fewer gay people becoming involved in heterosexual relationships of which there are many. These can end up being damaging to families, as it appeared to be in your case.

Finally I want to mention, as is being repeated over and over that this referendum is not about the issue you are bringing up. It is simply asking about same sex marriage.

Taltos

OP - you weren't brought up in a gay marriage.
You were brought up in the typical marriage where one partner was gay and hid it.

Do you not see that this referendum and the way our society has changed that what happened to you (and to your father) shouldn't have to happen anymore?
He should have been free to marry who he chose and not hide his sexuality?

If your father had been able to be open with you, if you had not been lied to things might have ended very differently.
There also comes a point where you have to own your own mistakes and not blame others, not always easy but just suggesting maybe acceptance and forgiveness have a part to play in how you move forwards.

miamee

I'm sorry you had such a hard time OP.

Whether the referendum is passed or not on Friday, gay couples and single, gay people currently have the right to apply to adopt a child. They will continue to have that right after the referendum, regardless of outcome; it has nothing whatsoever to do with children or who will or will not be a suitable parent.

EoghanIRL

Irregardless of the outcome of the referendum homosexual couples can still adopt children, just as they can do now already.

Homosexual individual could get Aids whether they are married or not.

I don't see what the referendum has to do with this seeing as homosexual couples can already adopt children.

This is just bringing children back into a referendum regarding same sex marriage.

Mitch Connor

Mint Aero wrote: »

Interesting insight and perspective OP. Thank you for sharing. I was intending to vote no for reasons similar to this but this of course is quite an eye opener and I will vote no in clear conscience that I'm doing what I think is right.

A yes vote would be a step in the right direction for society - to move beyond this horrible behaviour. A no vote reinforces the idea that gay people are unequal and unworthy, valid targets of abuse.

Whether you vote Yes or No, there will be children of gay marriages and gay children of straight or gay marriages.

I don't know why people would vote to deny those kids the protection a marriage provides. I don't know why people would vote to keep kids of those families feeling like outcasts.

How you can read that story and feel you can vote no with a clear conscience. Voting no makes stories like that more likely.

One eyed Jack

Ed The Equalizer wrote: »

I want gay people to be happy, and of course I believe we’re all equal regardless of sexuality. But I can’t help worry that no matter how much equality there ends up being, if children are brought up in gay marriages, they’re going to end up feeling like me.

With all that in mind - how to vote - for obvious reasons I’m completely torn.

First off OP, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling your story.

I haven't been in your circumstances, but I too wonder about how children feel, in particular in this case since we're talking about children's welfare and marriage equality. I think it's entirely possible that there will be children who will grow up to be adults who feel the way you do. But those children need our support, and one of the ways in which we can support them is to help them not to feel different, or that their parents are different. Show them ways in which their parents have their own unique qualities, in which the children have their own unique qualities, and make their lives a positive experience.

One of the things that absolutely bugs me about some of the yes voters is this misguided mantra they're peddling that "this referendum has nothing to do with children". I have to be honest, I really don't care so much about adults welfare as I do children.

Of course I'm voting in favour of marriage equality, that was always a given, extending people the same protection of society equally, but in my mind - children need more protection than adults do, and one of the ways to do that is to vote in favour of marriage equality so that all children have the same protection of society, regardless of the make-up of their family.

All I can think is that we can try and make sure to support all children to ensure they have as happy childhoods as possible and grow into adults who know they are as important in society as anyone else.

Michael OBrien

Ed The Equalizer wrote: »

I want gay people to be happy, and of course I believe we’re all equal regardless of sexuality. But I can’t help worry that no matter how much equality there ends up being, if children are brought up in gay marriages, they’re going to end up feeling like me.

With all that in mind - how to vote - for obvious reasons I’m completely torn.

First thanks for your story.
This is actually a call for a yes vote. A VERY strong call.
Most of the issues you faced has nothing to do with your father being gay, but with human nature being xenophobic. Children of mixed marriages, mixed religious marriages, mixed nationalities, albinos, disabled, even marriages between settled and travellers come across many of the same problems.
Children are fed a diet of hatred by their parents and peers, so they act out in school. Only great effort in consciousness raising has changed that.
Nowadays being gay is far less likely to be a source of abuse as it was even 10 years ago. Things are moving towards a day when being gay, or being related to someone who is, will not paint a target on you, but instead will paint a target on those that abuse.
As far as "what ifs" are concerned, don't bother with them. It would be similar to someone saying they found out being a vegan reduced your sperm count a bit, and if his parents were vegan, then the sperm that made them might be a different one and they, as they are now, would never have existed.
Such pondering is fruitless. You exist NOW, we cannot change the past.
While this referendum has NO effect on surrogacy, and surrogacy is available to hetros as well anyway, whatever child is formed in the future will be unique.
Heck if you want to do "what ifs" you might drive yourself mad by saying that if you oppose surrogacy then you deprive all those possible children a right to life and happiness as well.
Where a child comes from is not important, only how it is loved and cared for.
It has been shown that hetros and homosexuals do that job equally as well.
Society will change its attitude even more in time. There will always be jerks however, and if you give in to them, you unintentionally help them win.

Ed The Equalizer

Cr4pSnip3r wrote: »

Not to be rude but... do you not think your situation is a little bit (see: a lot) different to how the average same-sex marriage family would work out?

Obviously yes due to the shock factor I experienced, but at the same time I expect the children would experience a range of issues like I did.

IngazZagni wrote: »

Finally I want to mention, as is being repeated over and over that this referendum is not about the issue you are bringing up. It is simply asking about same sex marriage.

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Also this is a not a referendum on surrogacy...

Is it not though - is there really no connection between this and surrogacy. Is it not going to be an issue in the future?

Stheno wrote: »

And that it's not just gay people who get aids?

Did I say it was?

IngazZagni wrote: »

I'm sorry for your personal situation op but I'm not really sure I get your point. By voting no you are allowing the exact same thing to continue happening. By voting yes you are also allowing the exact same thing to continue happening.

That's pretty much how I feel alright.

Taltos wrote: »

OP - you weren't brought up in a gay marriage.
You were brought up in the typical marriage where one partner was gay and hid it.

Do you not see that this referendum and the way our society has changed that what happened to you (and to your father) shouldn't have to happen anymore?
He should have been free to marry who he chose and not hide his sexuality?

If your father had been able to be open with you, if you had not been lied to things might have ended very differently.
There also comes a point where you have to own your own mistakes and not blame others, not always easy but just suggesting maybe acceptance and forgiveness have a part to play in how you move forwards.

Yes of course, I can see how it's good that what happened me won't happen any more. But I don't see how a No vote would lead it continuing to happen? As soon as I saw there were civil partnerships I thought there would be no way my Dad would have married a woman.

Ed The Equalizer

One eyed Jack wrote: »

First off OP, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling your story.

I haven't been in your circumstances, but I too wonder about how children feel, in particular in this case since we're talking about children's welfare and marriage equality. I think it's entirely possible that there will be children who will grow up to be adults who feel the way you do. But those children need our support, and one of the ways in which we can support them is to help them not to feel different, or that their parents are different. Show them ways in which their parents have their own unique qualities, in which the children have their own unique qualities, and make their lives a positive experience.

One of the things that absolutely bugs me about some of the yes voters is this misguided mantra they're peddling that "this referendum has nothing to do with children". I have to be honest, I really don't care so much about adults welfare as I do children.

Of course I'm voting in favour of marriage equality, that was always a given, extending people the same protection of society equally, but in my mind - children need more protection than adults do, and one of the ways to do that is to vote in favour of marriage equality so that all children have the same protection of society, regardless of the make-up of their family.

All I can think is that we can try and make sure to support all children to ensure they have as happy childhoods as possible and grow into adults who know they are as important in society as anyone else.

Thanks for the reply. I completely agree with you that children are being somewhat cast aside in all of this. That's what led me to write my post.

syklops

Stheno wrote: »

And that it's not just gay people who get aids?

Or die prematurely or split up from their spouses.

Ed The Equalizer

Michael OBrien wrote: »

First thanks for your story.
This is actually a call for a yes vote. A VERY strong call.
Most of the issues you faced has nothing to do with your father being gay, but with human nature being xenophobic. Children of mixed marriages, mixed religious marriages, mixed nationalities, albinos, disabled, even marriages between settled and travellers come across many of the same problems.
Children are fed a diet of hatred by their parents and peers, so they act out in school. Only great effort in consciousness raising has changed that.
Nowadays being gay is far less likely to be a source of abuse as it was even 10 years ago. Things are moving towards a day when being gay, or being related to someone who is, will not paint a target on you, but instead will paint a target on those that abuse.
As far as "what ifs" are concerned, don't bother with them. It would be similar to someone saying they found out being a vegan reduced your sperm count a bit, and if his parents were vegan, then the sperm that made them might be a different one and they, as they are now, would never have existed.
Such pondering is fruitless. You exist NOW, we cannot change the past.
While this referendum has NO effect on surrogacy, and surrogacy is available to hetros as well anyway, whatever child is formed in the future will be unique.
Heck if you want to do "what ifs" you might drive yourself mad by saying that if you oppose surrogacy then you deprive all those possible children a right to life and happiness as well.
Where a child comes from is not important, only how it is loved and cared for.
It has been shown that hetros and homosexuals do that job equally as well.
Society will change its attitude even more in time. There will always be jerks however, and if you give in to them, you unintentionally help them win.

Good points - thanks for bringing them up. All the replies are helping clear my thinking.

Michael OBrien

Ed The Equalizer wrote: »

Yes of course, I can see how it's good that what happened me won't happen any more. But I don't see how a No vote would lead it continuing to happen? As soon as I saw there were civil partnerships I thought there would be no way my Dad would have married a woman.

Yes, CP is a step in the right direction, but it is not equality and I guarantee that the religious will play on that fact to demonise it. They are not happy for gays to have any rights.
Marriage is a time honoured culturally respected institute.
Civil partnership does not have this going for it.

Why should any couple have to accept second place when they don't have to. A simple vote Yes makes it perfectly equal. If people still want to go the CP way they still can. MORE options are better than less options. There is no benefit to gays at all for a No vote.

None of my immediate family are gay, but others are, and my nieces and nephews might be (I have no children) so I would like them to live in a society that has MORE options.

MagicMarker

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Irregardless of the outcome of the referendum homosexual couples can still adopt children, just as they can do now already.

Homosexual individual could get Aids whether they are married or not.

I don't see what the referendum has to do with this seeing as homosexual couples can already adopt children.

This is just bringing children back into a referendum regarding same sex marriage.

Homosexual couples cannot adopt now. To adopt as a couple you must be married.

A homosexual person can adopt though.

EoghanIRL

Ed The Equalizer wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I completely agree with you that children are being somewhat cast aside in all of this. That's what led me to write my post.

First of all children are not cast aside. The main children's charities in Ireland are calling for a yes vote. Whether the referendum results in a yes vote or a no vote majority doesn't affect children. It is simply the fact that this referendum relates to same sex marriage not children.

Homo sexual individuals can already adopt children.
Don't you see how this referendum has nothing to do with children?

You seem to not understand this fundamental fact.

Stheno

MagicMarker wrote: »

Homosexual couples cannot adopt now. To adopt as a couple you must be married.

A homosexual person can adopt though.

Civil partners now can after the family relationship bill was passed at the end of March

Also op being gay was illegal in 1989 which would have been another issue for your dad

EoghanIRL

MagicMarker wrote: »

Homosexual couples cannot adopt now. To adopt as a couple you must be married.

A homosexual person can adopt though.

My mistake. This is however what I meant.

Stheno

EoghanIRL wrote: »

My mistake. This is however what I meant.

See my post above

Buona Fortuna

McGaggs wrote: »

The story could be read as a reason to vote yes also.

Thats the way I take it too.

Thanks to the OP for posting - I can imagine that it was not easy.

Ed The Equalizer

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Don't you see how this referendum has nothing to do with children?

You seem to not understand this fundamental fact.

So why is this in the Lawyers for Yes document?...

"A ban on same-sex marriage could be said to impede family formation and cause harm to the children who are being raised in those families and who are denied the protection of civil marriage."

When I say 'children are being somewhat aside', your blanket statement above is why I'd say that.

Stheno wrote: »

Civil partners now can after the family relationship bill was passed at the end of March

Also op being gay was illegal in 1989 which would have been another issue for your dad

Yep absolutely. He also had huge problems being treated in hospital. There were nurses who refused to go near him.

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Thats the way I take it too.

Thanks to the OP for posting - I can imagine that it was not easy.

Thanks, it's actually been pretty therapeutic - I've never discussed it anonymously before.

johnnyskeleton

Mod: Maybe this is more suitable for the personal issues forum. Im going to lock it for the moment, but feel free to PM me about reopening it in the morning

Cold War Kid

This is an absolutely heartbreaking story OP - glad to see you've come out the other side. I wish you the very best. So sorry to read about your father and the difficult years for you in the wake of his death.

I cannot understand how anyone (and I'm not including you OP because you're undecided) would deem this story as cause to vote no. It is a terribly tragic case (numerous very sad elements to it) that occurred in a society where a "Yes" vote hadn't materialised. So how would ensuring that that status quo remains, be of any help in preventing other sad stories like this?

Plus, as said, homosexuality not only had to be kept secret due to prejudice, but also due to being a crime. Things are miles off that now.

As well as that, AIDS, while obviously not something to be blasé about, and while still a very serious illness in developing countries, is not at all the killer now that it was in 1989, thanks to medical advances in the quarter of a century since.

Despite it being easier to come out now and not live a lie, things aren't perfect though, people may still be confused/in denial about their sexuality - they may end up marrying someone of the opposite sex, becoming a parent and then realising they're gay. Or their marriage/relationship might end otherwise and then they might meet a partner of the same sex. I would prefer a society in which there are provisions for the children in these situations rather than the way things were for those children in 1989.