Marital problems <mod note post #9>

Lik123

Married with kids, recently was found out as having an affair, problem is now I am torn as to what to do, I know the right thing to do but I am worried this will only mask over problems and lead to further problems in years to come. I have very strong feelings for the 3rd party and even after being found out can't go a minute without thinking of them. This is the biggest decision I will ever make not just for me but for others too. I would have always as most of my friends and family have considered me a good person, I don't need abuse just help.

Taltos

Better in this forum OP

bjork

Is your wife just going to sit by and wait for you to make your decision?

You have no respect for your wife, break up with her and let her find someone who treats her right.

Luke92

bjork wrote: »

Is your wife just going to sit by and wait for you to make your decision?

You have no respect for your wife, break up with her and let her find someone who treats her right.

Not as simple as that. He could have been sticking it out for the kids.

Op only you know what to do. Only you know all the circumstances. One thing I will say is put your children before anything else. Things like this can do damage to children.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Or any counseling? That would probably be your best place to start.

silverfeather

Consider a trial separation. Don't see the person you had an affair with. But take time away from your wife and consider what you REALLY want. Ask your wife what she wants. But don't lie ..one of the worst things to do is pretend to love someone when you don't and it's even worse if you love someone else.

You need to be a good father obviously so getting to a stable situation of permanence is important.

Stinjy

Question OP -
is this like you're realising you're gay?

Well whatever the case is it possible that you're enjoying something new at the expense of the old relationship?

Is your husband/wife willing to wait until you make up your mind?

Have you consdered couples councilling?

What seems best is probably to stay together for the kids but it's not always. an unhappy marriage is no good for anyone..

I guess you guys need to talk it out..

LegacyUser

Was in similar situation, Op.Not easy.
You're torn between spouse and children, and this other relationship which was obviously important.
What people forget is, nobody enters into an affair if everything is wonderful in their marriage.

I don't know how to advise you really.
Does your wife/husband want to forgive and move on?Do they know yet whether they do or not, maybe its too soon? Counselling will help get all things out for discussion, but it won't necessarily fix a stale/ loveless marriage.And it won't be easy, it will at times be ugly, with both people blaming and bitching, bit it will /should get everything out for discussion.
But if you go down that route, get a private counsellor not Accord.
Your children, regardless of age, will be fine. There are lots of families where parents don't live together but get on successfully with their parenting .
What they don't need, is Mammy or Daddy telling them about the unfaithful spouse- they don't need to know.It won't help.
I'll probably be attacked for speaking out, as might you be for having an affair, but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Not all marriages are a bed of roses.

In the end, I left mine as it was horrible.The affair had been fantastic and made me realise what I was missing, and that I deserved more, as I was miserable beyond words.

Whatever you do, focus on being happy longterm as staying in an unhappy relationship is like a slowly tightening noose.
of course you still have feelings for this other person, when we ended our affair, we were both devastated as we were so close and it was a special bond that went far beyond the physical side.
I hope you don't get abused on here, that will not help. Advice is what you need not criticism.
All marriages start out as til death do us part. but people and circumstances change.

heretochat

Why is everyone assuming the OP is male?

It sounds like OP you have checked out of the marriage as far as your feelings for your spouse go.

I know you are trying to consider your children but is it in their best interests to have parents living together who have no feelings for each other?

I think you need to make a decision on this (and not a selfish one) pretty quickly

Taltos

Mod Note:
OK guys, enough with the blame/guilt trips here. If the OP wanted judgement we would have sent them elsewhere. Please don't reply unless you have constructive advice, and above all else please give it in a civil manner. Over the last while we've seen a creep back in of the superior judgemental posts and that is not what PI/RI is here for.

Thanks
Taltos

Neyite

Lik123 wrote: »

Married with kids, recently was found out as having an affair, problem is now I am torn as to what to do, I know the right thing to do but I am worried this will only mask over problems and lead to further problems in years to come.

If you were found out, rather than coming to the realisation that an affair was a bad idea, then you may not have much choice in the matter once your partner gets his/her head around the shock and begins to decide if they want to stay married to you or not. Its quite common for the betrayed spouse to initially panic and want things to stay the same in their home life but come to the realisation a while down the line that they cant live with the distrust or that the relationship they had was beyond repair. Right now, its very likely that your actions will determine how your marriage bounces back from that, if at all. To repair a marriage, it will require absolute transparency from you, a commitment that you have left the Other Woman/Man firmly in the past, absolute remorse and a commitment to doing whatever it takes to repair. And on top of that, it will take a long time to get back to a relationship that has trust in it. Even then, it may very well be a different kind of relationship from the previous one.

wrote:

I have very strong feelings for the 3rd party and even after being found out can't go a minute without thinking of them.

An affair intensifies emotions and feelings. The secrecy and time limits adds a frisson of excitement that is artificial. Its quite common to see that quickly fade away once the cohabiting begins the mundane daily grind begins. Having said that, it can also be a very real and lasting love that can emerge from an affair. There is no way to hedge your bets and know beforehand. If you want to be with this other person, to see where it takes you, then go do it honestly, above board, being sensitive to the feelings of your spouse and children. It might be that you made the right decision, or it may be that the grass was in fact greener and you threw away something great, but there is no way of knowing until you do it.

wrote:

This is the biggest decision I will ever make not just for me but for others too. I would have always as most of my friends and family have considered me a good person, I don't need abuse just help.

There is a good book I've often seen recommended on another site that people - both cheaters and those they cheated on, have found very helpful, irrespective of whether the marriage survived or not. It might be well worth a read, for both you and your spouse.

Good people have affairs too. Having an affair doesn't make you an awful person. It makes you an ordinarily ok person who did an awful thing. It sounds to me like you are feeling that you should stay in your marriage despite having strong feelings for someone else because its the 'right' thing to do, rather than what you actually want to do. But whether its an affair that a marriage is recovering from or whether its an affair that leads to separating, its still a family rocked to the core by the bomb you dropped into the family home and where everyone is affected by the fallout.

Counselling is a good idea. Both joint and separate so that you both figure out what you want.

skallywag

OP, what age are the kids, and would your partner be even willing to give it another go now anyway, i.e. now that the cat is out of the bag?

As for those who automatically assumed that the OP is male :mad:

LegacyUser

If you don't mind me asking, did you get married initially out of a sense of obligation, or were you very much in love with your spouse? How well did you know the 3rd party before an affair started?

Lik123

Luke92 wrote: »

Not as simple as that. He could have been sticking it out for the kids.

Op only you know what to do. Only you know all the circumstances. One thing I will say is put your children before anything else. Things like this can do damage to children.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Or any counseling? That would probably be your best place to start.

Yes have started with accord,

Eeden

Lik123 wrote: »

Yes have started with accord,

As far as I know, Accord are a specifically Roman Catholic marriage counselling service, therefore it is possible that they will be approaching everything from the viewpoint that you must save your marriage at all costs, rather than being impartial and non-judgmental.

However, obviously, if you have started counselling together, then this is what you want.

I could be wrong, but maybe you need to keep this in mind.

Payton

silverfeather wrote: »

Consider a trial separation. Don't see the person you had an affair with. But take time away from your wife and consider what you REALLY want. Ask your wife what she wants. But don't lie ..one of the worst things to do is pretend to love someone when you don't and it's even worse if you love someone else.

You need to be a good father obviously so getting to a stable situation of permanence is important.

This ^^^ is great advice. Your mind is all over the place and I've no doubt the blame game has started.
Firstly you need too look after yourself....take time out from the affair and see exactly what YOU want, it's only when you can think straight can you focus on what is best.
Don't go beating yourself up over this as you won't be the first to have an affair.
You have a long battle ahead of you what ever way your going to choose...be it staying in your marriage and building the trust again and all that comes with that or moving out of the family home and in with the person who your having the affair with as the legal end of things and custody of children is enough to destroy anyone.
You might feel isolated by everyone at the moment and a sense of being judged but you did what you did. Don't let things get clouded over.
Be honest with yourself and your spouse it's the least you can do.
Best of luck.

CaraMay

Lik123 wrote: »

Married with kids, recently was found out as having an affair, problem is now I am torn as to what to do, I know the right thing to do but I am worried this will only mask over problems and lead to further problems in years to come. I have very strong feelings for the 3rd party and even after being found out can't go a minute without thinking of them. This is the biggest decision I will ever make not just for me but for others too. I would have always as most of my friends and family have considered me a good person, I don't need abuse just help.

What attempts have you made to fix these problems you mention?

TizTaly2015

OP, do you love your partner? Genuine question. Can you take some time to reflect alone and really look within? If you do love them then you need to fight for what you want. However, I would be worried that your feelings for the other person will cloud your judgement on any decisions that you make. Counselling is a good step - are you doing this willingly or at the request of your partner?
Best of luck.

Taltos

Mod note
Big Drama Show - post deleted. As you're new here we are only deleting your post but this is a strictly moderated forum so please read our charter. Rule breaches can and do result in bans. If you insist on posting in violation of mod instruction you'll best be prepared to find yourself carded or worse.

Taltos

Lik123

TizTaly2015 wrote: »

OP, do you love your partner? Genuine question. Can you take some time to reflect alone and really look within? If you do love them then you need to fight for what you want. However, I would be worried that your feelings for the other person will cloud your judgement on any decisions that you make. Counselling is a good step - are you doing this willingly or at the request of your partner?
Best of luck.

I did love my partner, now I just don't know. My feelings are being clouded and I am aware of this. I am trying to make a decision that is all based on emotions and feelings so it is hard to get away from them. Counselling is being done, if I am honest and the place I am coming from is hope that it will save things for my family. I hate myself for what I have done but I don't want to go back if I am just doing what is expected of me because that will only make things worse in the long run

CaraMay

Are you still in contact with your fling? If so, you aren't giving your marriage a real chance.

The way I see it is that adults nowadays expect to get everything they want, when they want. We are the new kids. You say you don't want to do what's expected of you but maybe you need to. There are little people in your life who need you at home and focused on them and your family. Can you not give that a go for a few years. It's expected of you but what's wrong with standing up to the plate and doing what's expected of you - for all the right reasons

Neyite

Lik123 wrote: »

I did love my partner, now I just don't know. My feelings are being clouded and I am aware of this. I am trying to make a decision that is all based on emotions and feelings so it is hard to get away from them. Counselling is being done, if I am honest and the place I am coming from is hope that it will save things for my family. I hate myself for what I have done but I don't want to go back if I am just doing what is expected of me because that will only make things worse in the long run

I agree that if you go back despite your feelings changing then its going to be worse for everybody. I don't think you can keep in contact with the third party and continue to work on your marriage. It will pull you in all and every direction and be an utter waste of counselling, effort and prolong agony for everyone.

It feels like you want your cake and eat it. You want your family life the way it is, understandably. But you also want your spouse to remain indefinitely on ice while you figure out your feelings for this third party. How is that even remotely fair?

And then what? After six months of you mooching over TP you think you wont have damaged an already brittle marriage further when you attempt to repair it? You think that TP will hang around while you do marriage counselling to see which partner you prefer? As for the kids, how long do they have to live with the uncertainty in their lives and the atmosphere in their home?

So, sh!t or get off the pot, as the saying goes. Either go and be with the TP and make a proper go of it, being fair to your spouse, or give up the TP fully and commit to counselling and repair of your marriage. Its a clear choice in black and white you have to make.

catonthewire

Lik123 wrote: »

Married with kids, recently was found out as having an affair, problem is now I am torn as to what to do, I know the right thing to do but I am worried this will only mask over problems and lead to further problems in years to come. I have very strong feelings for the 3rd party and even after being found out can't go a minute without thinking of them. This is the biggest decision I will ever make not just for me but for others too. I would have always as most of my friends and family have considered me a good person, I don't need abuse just help.

Hi OP,

I'm not going to judge you, it's obvious that you feel bad enough about the pain you have caused your partner...
You need to sit down and really think hard about your reasons for having the affair in the first place...
There is always a reason and no doubt if you continue with counselling this will be asked....
Your partner has obviously agreed to the possibility of giving your marriage a second chance, despite the fact they must be devastated and shocked by your affair...
Don't forget that they also may choose to end the marriage at any stage....

A trial separation could be what both of you need at the moment, a chance for you both to think clearly about the future and attend counselling ...
You say that you know the right thing to do, is this staying together for the sake of your children and avoiding the shame of extended family judging you?
People make mistakes, are forgiven, can move on, but good marriages are not the product of avoiding reality that one partner doesn't love the other...

LegacyUser

Even though you are attending counselling you mention you can't get the other person out of your mind, then how can you be committed to repairing the marriage if your mind is else where. I agree what other posters, maybe a trial separation might be the best to give you both space and time to think.

If your heart is not in the marriage if you don't love your other half don't stay for the sake of the kids or what other people will think of you. Relationships/Marriages break up - there is no point being stuck in a loveless relationship where you are both miserable. You have to think of the future and what happens down the line. Kids won't be kids forever they are going to grow up and leave and then it will just be the two of yous. Also kids are not stupid you don't have to be fighting openly for them to pick up that you don't get on.
You would be better off splitting or having a trial separation to see if this is what you want.

TizTaly2015

The fact that you say that you did love your partner but now you don't know really saddens me. Your partner deserves so much more than 'I don't know'. He/She deserves your love and commitment, no matter what. If you cant give it to them, then maybe it is time to call time on your marriage.

Affairs are devastating and I don't know of any relationship that can come back from it, to be honest. I think your partner will forever have mistrust in you - is this a life that you and they want?

Also, and some may not agree with me her - what about the TP? How do they feel about all this? Are they waiting around for you? Do they know that you are doing counselling with your partner? Because they may have invested something in what you and they had so you have to think of their feelings too.

Payton

Some valid questions being made by the posters here and I've no doubt you've asked yourself roughly the same questions.
What ever you choose it's going to be painful for someone and your going to be torn about choosing the right thing.
I'm not condoning what you done but having been the 'injured' part where my ex had affairs and she basically didn't care it hurts...hurts like hell. I'm through the other side now but the trail of destruction that was left behind was horrendous and our siblings were adults.
Maybe move in with a friend for a week or so away from everyone including the TP and get some head space. This is your future and how smoothly for want of a better word it works out will depend on what type of a relationship your going to leave with the least amount of callatoral damage. But dont play one off the other as in wanting your cake and eating it.

Lik123

Hi, thanks for everyone's advice. Just an update on where I am. We are attending couples counselling, this I causing stress as i am answering questions about my feelings truthfully, I am also attending a counsellor by myself. My feelings for the third party have not lessened, communication with them still exists but we have reduced it to a phonecall every coupe of days. I have started to write down my thoughts otherwise I am asking myself the same questions over and over again, I have decided that I can't keep dragging this on and causing pain to everyone, I have given myself until the end of June to either commit fully to my marraige and work towards that or be fair to my partner and separate. I am fearful that if I don't do this my partner will be forced into a decision that I don't want them to have to make

maryfred

Lik123 wrote: »

Hi, thanks for everyone's advice. Just an update on where I am. We are attending couples counselling, this I causing stress as i am answering questions about my feelings truthfully, I am also attending a counsellor by myself. My feelings for the third party have not lessened, communication with them still exists but we have reduced it to a phonecall every coupe of days. I have started to write down my thoughts otherwise I am asking myself the same questions over and over again, I have decided that I can't keep dragging this on and causing pain to everyone, I have given myself until the end of June to either commit fully to my marraige and work towards that or be fair to my partner and separate. I am fearful that if I don't do this my partner will be forced into a decision that I don't want them to have to make

I'm sorry,but if your feelings haven't lessened and you're still communicating with the other person then you're still having an affair,even if it doesn't involve sex. Your can't counsel yourself out of being in love with someone or falling back in love with someone else. Honestly, I think you know what you want to do,but you're giving yourself a deadline to work up the courage to do it. Just my opinion.

CaraMay

But sure you are not committed to the counselling or trying with your marriage as (a) you are only giving it 4 weeks and (b) you are still in contact with your lover. You are only kidding yourself

Penny Tration

Leave your partner.

You're still betraying them while doing counselling.

They deserve better.

kylith

Lik123 wrote: »

Hi, thanks for everyone's advice. Just an update on where I am. We are attending couples counselling, this I causing stress as i am answering questions about my feelings truthfully, I am also attending a counsellor by myself. My feelings for the third party have not lessened, communication with them still exists but we have reduced it to a phonecall every coupe of days. I have started to write down my thoughts otherwise I am asking myself the same questions over and over again, I have decided that I can't keep dragging this on and causing pain to everyone, I have given myself until the end of June to either commit fully to my marraige and work towards that or be fair to my partner and separate. I am fearful that if I don't do this my partner will be forced into a decision that I don't want them to have to make

If you have decided to give it to the end of June then I think you should cut contact with this 3rd party. You are, essentially, still having an affair if you are still in contact with them. Imagine the anguish you are putting your spouse through by still being in contact with this person. You don't need until the end of June; you know right now whether you want to stay with your spouse or not. Make a decision one way or the other and rip the plaster off.

skallywag

I genuinely see no real commitment at all from your side in making your marriage work, you clearly have no interest and are just going through the motions in order to ease your conscience. Your decision is already made if you ask me, why are you bothering with the smokescreen?

Neyite

I see now what you are doing OP. You are going through the motions of counselling so that when you leave at your deadline for the TP, you can tell people including your soon to be ex that you tried counselling and it still didn't save your marriage.

If you wanted to save your marriage , you'd have cut out the TP and focused on counselling , so your answer is there. You want TP, but also want your reputation blemish free to all and sundry. It's like saying you'll quit drinking but having a secret cocktail hour and kidding yourself that it means you are committing to sobriety. The only person you are fooling is yourself.

Anyway, all the best.

kylith

Neyite is right. You are pretending that you are committed to saving your marriage by going to counselling but you are still actively doing what ruined your marriage in the first place. Be honest and either leave your spouse or tell the TP never to contact you again. Either way, stop lying to your spouse and yourself.

blatantrereg

Your relationship with your wife is broken. Trying to continue is flogging a dead horse. She won't be able to trust you and will resent you. You would be better off being with the other woman and trying to be as amicable as possible splitting up with your wife. You can still be a good parent without being with your wife.

LegacyUser

blatantrereg wrote: »

Your relationship with your wife is broken. Trying to continue is flogging a dead horse. She won't be able to trust you and will resent you. You would be better off being with the other woman and trying to be as amicable as possible splitting up with your wife. You can still be a good parent without being with your wife.

Why is everybody assuming the poster is male, there has been no hint from the person posting whether they are male or female.

blatantrereg

tabs101 wrote: »

Why is everybody assuming the poster is male, there has been no hint from the person posting whether they are male or female.

Style of writing.

Payton

Honestly your wasting your time in the counselling as you have put no effort into trying to solve any issues with your spouse, whom I feel sorry for as you are dragging them through this knowing it's not going to work. Your wasting the marriage counsellor and your own counselors time which could be put to good use by someone who really wants to get some real help.
Looks like you wanted to ease your own conscience and be damned with everyone else.
Stop the charade now!, you've hurt too many people with your actions and allow them to move on.

Ann84

Why are you still in a relationship with the affair if you have committed to trying to save your marriage (counselling)?!

What is the point in marriage counselling if you are still carrying on with the other person? I honestly don't understand how you could get to this point and still be so ignorant of your spouses feelings... Madness