Torn and Confused

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'm hoping you'll be able to give some advice. I think I know what I need to do but matters of the heart (or cowardice on my part) are never straight forward......

So a bit of background, I'm in my late 20's and my gf is her early 30's. We've been going out for about two years and living with each other for just under a year. Both from somewhere else in Ireland and currently based in Dublin.

So I find that I'm questioning our future together over the last couple of months. We are very different people but have (or maybe had) common grounding. Things are going well, some financial difficulties from her past still haunt her but I help her out when I can. However since she has moved to Dublin she hasn't made her own friends. I've been living here for a good ten years between college and work and would consider myself more Dub at this stage! Now I like the fact that she gets on well with most of my friends however she can come across quite jealous of my single female friends if I'm out with them.

Now I do socialise on a Friday night after work in town sometimes with these female friends. I do encourage her to come along but she would rather sit at home. The two of us do go out solely together either for food or drink at least once a week and I'm at home with her most evenings unless I'm studying or training.

Recently though I've become friendly with someone and this person has captivated my attention. I rarely see her and not in contact with her. I only see her once a month on nights out with a circle of friends but we get on great. However this leading me to think that maybe I'm not ready to settle down with the gf (and no, I don't want to get with this other person). It's maybe opened my eyes to certain things....

My gf is great. Everyone likes her, funny, smart, gets on with my family (and I hers) and so on. However, I find myself getting irritated when she repeats stories in the same conversation and she can be quite needy. I like to travel however she is a home bird. I like to socialise but she is more of a staying in person. I also found her going through my phone a number of times, It doesn't bother me as I've nothing to hide but I see this as jealousy driven.

We seem to be in a rut and I have spoken to her about this but nothing ever came of it. She was more afraid that I was breaking up with her and was just glad I wasn't. After the talk, I did try to be more positive, made sure she was included in everything but she seems to be still stuck in the rut. Not willing to do anything about her career, attempt to make her own circle of friends (not easy I know but I know people are trying to meet up with her but she 'can't be bothered'.

So at this stage I don't know what to do. I think this may have run it's course and it would be better to end it now than a couple years down the road. But yet I love her and it will her hurt to do so.....but maybe for both us, in the long term, this is the right thing to do if these doubts are clouding my head. I should also say that some of my mates and my parents have noticed this and that I'm being more distant over the last month or two.

Sorry for the long post and how it appears to jump from one thing to another but I didn't know how else to put it. So boardies, I'd much appreciate your take on things...

Thanks,
Torn

catonthewire

Hi Torn,


It's honestly quite obvious from your post that your feelings towards your girlfriend have changed...
I have no doubt that you still think highly of her, but you're no longer in in love with her...
You are only in your late twenties, and as stated are not ready to settle down, or perhaps you simply feel bogged down by having to deal with her issues...
Opposites often do attract, but reading your post suggests thst she relies totally on you and this isn't healthy in any relationship..


You need to sit her down and explain exactly how you feel, be absolutely honest with her, explain that you are simply not ready to get deeper into a relationship that in the future could cause you both a lot of pain...
I know this is difficult, but what's the alternative?..
You can't stay with a partner out of pity, regardless of how much you love them...

Just to end Torn, it's not a healthy relationship if one partner is checking the others phone ect....

Saralee4

In fairness to your girlfriend and checking your phone or being jealous about you going out with the single female friends, you have admitted that you are romantically interested in one of these women so is she wrong to be feeling the way she feels?

Of course you are in a relationship which does not mean that you cant see or be attracted to someone else however what is this new girls significance in your post to do with your relationship?

I think part of this is that you are getting a bit bored of the relationship as the saying goes 'familiarity breeds contempt', fancy another girl (which is naturally more exciting prospect than your longer term situation), and you have decided that the grass is greener by which case you should leave your gf. I would say that your gf is probably the same girl that you originally fell in love with but you have changed your perspective.

Hannibal Smith

It sounds like you're bored. Do you think the attention from the other girl is giving you a bit of a spark that you're missing with your girlfriend? Separate the 2, only you can decide whether youre interested in reigniting your relationship. If youre in a rut...change the rut. Do something to get things going again. If youre not interested, then break up. But dont do it because of another girl or where the situation with the other girl might go. You could be backing the wrong horse.

zoobizoo

TornandConfused15 wrote: »

However, I find myself getting irritated when she repeats stories in the same conversation and she can be quite needy. I like to travel however she is a home bird. I like to socialise but she is more of a staying in person.

.......she seems to be still stuck in the rut. Not willing to do anything about her career, attempt to make her own circle of friends (not easy I know but I know people are trying to meet up with her but she 'can't be bothered'.

You are different people. You are realising this now.

I've seen how this can affect couples later in life... and earlier than that...

And I've seen how people never really change - someone who doesn't like travel never will and someone who doesn't like to socialise will never really come to enjoy socialising.

Would you prefer to have a relationship with someone who wants to explore the world with you, be open to meeting new people and having new and interesting experiences or would you rather the same old same old...

How many more times can you listen to the same stories ?

I really don't believe that some of our characteristics can change (sense of humour, intelligence, empathy, awareness) but other parts of us can with a desire to change.

If you were writing out a list of characteristics that you would want a 'perfect' partner to have, would she tick a lot of those boxes? (I know that no partner will tick all boxes but for me, there are certain ones that need to be ticked).

In relation to being more distant with family and friends - is there a sense of guilt that you enjoy spending time in their company more than hers so you create a distance to avoid that feeling? Are you not happy talking about her to them in case you start saying what you really feel?

silverfeather

It sounds like you are not happy with the gf. I think there are two options wait a while and see if it passes, talk to the gf and see what happens. Or if you are really unhappy and don't feel compatible end it.

Tigger99

I felt claustrophobic reading the description of your relationship. It sounds very stifling. Part of being a couple is about having fun sharing experiences. The fact that she prefers to stay in when you go out shows how different you are. That's fair enough if it's her personality but it doesn't sound like yours. Imagine 40 years of that? I'm not surprised your head has been turned by another.

I think you know yourself that you need to end this.

Tigger99

And considering her age, the sooner you end it the better for her to still have time to find someone else. I'm her age and looking back I wish certain relationships ended sooner than they did.

Into The Blue

You're only two years in and she's checking your phone? Think your mind is made up, but you just don't want to hurt her.

Best in the long run to get out. For her sake as much as any one's... doubt she wants to be the type who goes through phones.

dudara

@Into The Blue - please use the Thanks button to signify your agreement, rather than adding a one-line, non-contributory post.

dudara

lemmno

Are her 'cons' by any chance being emphasised by the fact that these female friends you go out for drinks with seem so fun and bubbly?

Personally I'd talk to her about your feelings. As in sit her down and tell her very clearly that you're having serious doubts. Give her the chance to buck up a bit. And maybe give yourself the time to reflect on what you really want.

I can't help but feel like you're looking at this other girl with rose tinted glasses. She's amazing on paper but you can't compare her to your GF. You don't see the other girl all day every day.
Even the coolest girl isn't cool all the time!
If your feelings have truly changed let her go.
If there's any doubt, you owe it to yourself and your GF to try and work it out. Every relationship goes through its rough patches.