Need advice on breaking up...

LegacyUser

Hi, this may be a typical problem, but would like help

Ive been going out with a girl for just over 1 year this month. Shes very good looking, in a good job, really cool, my friends all like her; I just dont believe its going anywhere, we have differences on serious issues such as children, and, being honest, for me the relationship plateaued a long time ago and I dont feel in love with her or that I ever will be. I want to end things. The thing is, Ive never broken up with someone. Im 30, shes late 20's, Ive had 3 long term relationships and on each occasion Ive never been the one to end it, even though I may have wanted to.

Odd as this may sound, when it comes to breaking up, I just believe that the girl hasnt 'done anything' to deserve being dumped, I just dont feel into the relationship, which makes it hard for me to break up. I realise how stupid that sounds, its just as though Im doing something very mean to someone and they done deserve it. Besides that, Im concerned Im suffering from 'grass is greener' syndrome and that Id regret a break up very quickly.

Her birthday is coming up in the next few weeks, so I dont want to do anything prior to that obviously. My question is, how should I go about doing this (having never done this before...) and are my feelings of guilt and being mean normal in this instance? As mentioned, we have a lot of differences and I really dont think we suit each other long term, but I know shes very very invested in the relationship and would take a break up very badly..... But at the same time, Im 30 now and I have different expectations for a relationship to her... Thanks

Xterminator

let me tell you, she may be upset when it ends, but keeping this girl hanging on, is wasting her time and her emotions, and if you do care for her, you will end this dead end relationship now, and allow her to get over it, then look for someone new. Shes not going to find the right partner while she is with you.

so yes, she may get upset but think instead of her future. she deserves one.

X

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP,

I agree with the poster above. End it and end it now.

I'd ignore that its her birthday soon - There will always be something coming up next.

If you're struggling with the words (and if you're anything llike me you will be) your opening post has some good pointers.

Good luck.

beks101

Breaking up with someone isn't a 'punishment for bad behaviour' kind of deal OP. It's a recognition that the relationship isn't going to work out and taking responsibility for yourself and another person's happiness by taking the appropriate action.

If we're going to talk about being cruel here, by a country mile the absolute worst and most selfish thing you could do is to draw it out and allow her to fall further for you, factor you more into her life and build her future around you, when you know deep down you're not in it for the long haul.

And that includes sticking around and keeping up the facade through her birthday. She's going to hate you for that. She's going to look back and think, "why did the prick get me a present and take me out and celebrate with me and hold my hand and tell me he loved me if he was going to break up with me a week later?" That is going to fcuk with her head massively and it's an incredibly mean thing to do.

Break up with her. Do it tomorrow.

Stavro Mueller

beks101 wrote: »

And that includes sticking around and keeping up the façade through her birthday. She's going to hate you for that. She's going to look back and think, "why did the prick get me a present and take me out and celebrate with me and hold my hand and tell me he loved me if he was going to break up with me a week later?" That is going to fcuk with her head massively and it's an incredibly mean thing to do.

^^This ever so much. A long time ago, someone here posted about her boyfriend who broke up with her shortly after they'd gone on a romantic break abroad. It really soured all her memories of the holiday. Everything they'd said, everything they'd done on that trip had turned into ashes in her mind and she wished they'd never gone in the first place.

I think you should break up with her now instead of going through with the insincere charade that you propose to. She'll bin your present anyway once you break up with her so why bother. Better to feel like crap on your birthday because you're dumped rather than to look back on it with bitterness.

dudara

@Neon_lights - I have deleted your post as it was a one liner type post, which is not recommended in PI. Advice should be considered in this forum.

dudara

LegacyUser

Al of the positives that you've said about her are fairly superficial stuff (job, friends
liking her etc). So 'on paper' she looks good to you, but when you really get down to it, you are just not compatible.

You shouldn't stay in a relationship where you know that there are such fundamental differences - especially after such a short space of time as 1 year. If you know this now, that you have such different life views, it's just not going to work long term, and when big life questions start coming up. You know you need to end it.

With regard to timing, I was dumped a day after my birthday once. And as someone else said, that just multiplied every hurt and upset feeling that I already had. As if the dumping wasn't awful enough, to know that someone you loved and trusted was about to dump you, but lied so much was the last emotional straw. It made me question for months how much of other nights out / weekends away were real v Oscar-winning performances. It made it much harder to get through the pain of the breakup, as the outright lies and faking on his part made me go back and question a lot of allegedly (or fake) good times in the past.

You know that you don't want to stay with this girl, so do her a favour and end it before you become more involved, and before you put her through the awful charade of 'celebrating' things with her, when you just want to leave. It's a really horrible thing to do to someone.

silverfeather

You are wasting her time and your time too.

I think what will happen is eventually you will end up acting in a way that is beneath you. You will be in attentive or your eye will wander. Don't balk at breaking up if you are not happy. Just do it as pleasantly as possible.

Don't fake it to her.