My wife minds children & I lose out

LegacyUser

My wife of several years minds children for a family, we have no children of our own at this point. There are 2 young children she looks after, she works at their house and also does housework, cooking etc when required.

I love her to pieces, but find myself struggling with her job. She never has "set hours", in spite of repeatedly telling the family she is only prepared to work 40 hours for them, she can at times do in excess of 60. "Can you stay another few hours... can you come in on Saturday morning to help out... is it ok if we stay out an extra few hours and leave kids with you", and so on. She's a kind good hearted woman, and won't say no. Every so often she'll speak to the father of the children and explain that she's working too many hours and they will agree that her hours can be more fixed, this lasts a few days or weeks and bang, gone again.

I find this incredibly frustrating. Wife will tell me she's home at 6, I'll have dinner cooked, or a reservation made, and will get a call that the parents haven't come home yet, she'll be home as soon as she can. This can end up being 9 or later. I feel like I'm always waiting for her, plans are always changed at short or no notice to accommodate this other family.

She gets paid by the hour, and the money is good, but 40 hours is plenty, as I work a decent job. I'm just wondering if I'm over reacting by feeling put out about this whole thing? Family says jump, she asks how high. It's frustrating.

Mozzeltoff

I think your wife needs to be more assertive and learn to say no. She needs to make them aware that she has a life besides working for them. Next time they're late or say they're going to be late she should say to them rather bluntly "Well I had/have plans made and ye are holding me up, how long more will you be?" If they ask her to come in an extra day get her to say "I am not around for the day".

kylith

She needs to learn how to say no, I'm afraid. Unfortunately family can take liberties and it's difficult to say no to them especially when children are involved because you can't just walk out and leave the kids alone. Next time she gets a call asking if she can stay late she has to say, "No, I cannot stay. I have to leave in 15 minutes. If you're not back I'll drop them into the neighbour, shall I?" Her other options would be 1) stop working for them 2) vastly increase her charges for overtime, to obscene amounts, and bill them for every minute 3) go completely mental at the lot of them in a familial setting so that everyone knows that they're taking the piss and they would hopefully be shamed into acting like decent people.

Eeden

Frustrated Husband wrote: »

She gets paid by the hour, and the money is good, but 40 hours is plenty, as I work a decent job.

Maybe she likes the work? Also, perhaps she wants to make her own money? You need to talk to her if you have a problem with it.

orthsquel

All those little extra hours here and there... is someone keeping track of them and is she being correctly paid?

It sounds like the family are taking advantage of her inability to say no, as well as her willingness not to stick to set hours. What is your wife's opinions and thoughts about her hours? Does she complain that they come along at the last minute, or don't stick to what is agreed? If so, has she ever got anything in writing to confirm what agreements have been made on working hours (and conditions, duties and role, I wouldn't be surprised if they were taking advantage there too)? Does she compare this to what she actually does? And does she herself have an issue or is she happy to go along with it, with the benefit of extra income (if any)?

And is there any particular reason why your wife may not stand her ground, aside from maybe an inability to say no? Does she think she will lose her job and get a bad reference, does she think she will be letting the family down and feel guilty in thinking if she ruins their plans by saying no, does she worry that things will be odd between the family as her employers and herself or the children and herself if she doesn't accommodate them?

Does your wife know how frustrated this situation has made you feel? If she doesn't then you need to sit down and talk about it before it builds up to resentment - resentment of her, her inability to say no, and the family. edit: I think while you should be able to express your frustration at being put aside for things you have planned to do as a couple, or just the annoyance of plans changing at the last minute, or always waiting around and expected to fall in line with the family's plans, she would also need to realise the effect that it all has on her too, the lack of time for herself and looking after herself and her well being, your relationship, hobbies and things she enjoys, social life and friends, and a lack of balance to work - life. She might be happy obliging to the family, but there are costs in her life outside of her relationship with you and she needs to realise that.

I would consider something like her feeling needed and her having a need to be needed being a factor in this situation, and that fulfilling a need to be needed is a priority to her at the expense of everything else. From a situation I've come across similar to this it only resolved in a person realising from an unfortunate experience that they were being taken for a fool to change the situation, which rather than negotiating something better for themselves, they removed themselves from the situation altogether.

Big Bag of Chips

Your issue is more with your wife than the family. They ask, she says yes. She's the one letting you down by cancelling your plans in favour of staying there. She's the one you need to talk to.

If she's happy with the setup, then you'll have to ask her to come to some sort of compromise. Some people "work late". You'll need to find a balance with her where it's not affecting your relationship.