Single Mum and Prejudice - Help??

Hannaho

Hi! I'm a single mum, late 40s, two children 13 and 12. My children are extremely bright and doing exceptionally well at school I work full time and have a good job - 60K, and two masters degrees. I own my own home outright and a holiday home - bought my home at 24. Yet, I have consistently had people look down on me, and I really feel it is eating away at my self-esteem. Some of the comments from others my children are aware of, some were said to me privately. My son is waiting for news of a place in a private school for secondary, but feels he doesn't want to go now because he may be treated differently being the son of a single mother.

Some of the comments include:

A long term friend of 20 years telling me a couple of years ago that all that single mothers wanted was sex!

Next door neighbours when I moved back from the UK and into my house, telling me that they hope I wouldn't have lots of different men around as a lot of single mothers do. When I got a large extension built on my house, the same neighbours asked if I got the money from 'men friends who were selling drugs' - I had inherited money when my mam died.

Another neighbour in the cul de sac blamed me when one of the children scratched all the cars - we were away at the time on summer holidays, so it couldn't have been us. My car was in the drive and it also got scratched - she said that she knew it was hard for 'single mothers' to control their children's behaviour.

I had another friend comment on what I fed my children and my daughter's weight - my daughter is now 13 and like a beanpole - she was a public health nurse - but when I attempted to comment on how badly her daughter behaved, she wenet ballistic - her daughter often broke things at our house, including a window, and my kids couldn't bear to see her coming as she always had to get her own way.

Recently, I tried to connect with a guy I used to go out with 20 years ago - very Catholic, religious guy, who was in a very abusive relationship after me. He would say he wanted to meet again, then didn't, even though I specified it was only friendship. In the end, I found out, he didn't want to even be friends because I am a single mother - I have two other male friends and I like their company, so I was happy to just be friends - and single mothers are ultimately all looking for a relationship and someone to be a father to their children and provide for them. He knows I own my own house - I had it when we were going out together - he knows I have a good job and a holiday home.

I feel very deflated by all of this - I never felt the same kind of stigma as a single mother in the U.K. If anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with this, or how to prevent it from affecting my children, that would be great. I know that I am not the only single mother who feels this stigma - I have a friend who feels the same - but it would be really helpful to have ways of dealing with it.

Hannaho

Sorry, forgot to mention that I had a co-worker last year who went on and on about how boys need a father, and single mothers were the ruination of boys and that single mothers were a cause of self-harm in girls!

SterlingArcher

Hanna would it help if I told you I am from a single mother family. And sometimes my heart bursts when I think about how amazing she is. No amount of judging by insignificants could take that away.

In the end time is the judge of who we are. don't waste yours caring about some random people that try look down on you.

Ps if for some reason people don't appreciate you. Kick their nuts.

jopax

Hi op,

People love to judge other people, some get judged on their house, job, car, money, friends, looks, you name it.
The problem lies with them & has nothing to do with you.
You sound like an amazing mum so don't leave ignorant comments get under your skin.
Listen to your son and see how he feels about things, leave him know that you will support him no matter what happens.
I teach my eldest daughter who is 8, to remember nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else. I experienced some prejudice growing up because of where I lived so I will teach my children to look at the bigger picture.
All you can do is teach your children how to be bigger people because of this experience and turn it into a positive.

zeffabelli

I laughed reading those comments. Oh wow....

I parent alone too and no one has dared to say anything like that to me. Sorry I am still so stunned at the ignorance and the Victorian morality seeping through.

SOmetimes I get snide nosey obnoxious questions from one of his peers, (they are 7) but he wont be invited back. His mother is a nice so I don't know how to explain this to her. He also pulls his pants down and lets his privates hang out and thinks its funny....so the obnoxiousness has more to do with his demeanor than anything about my marital status and the absent father is really incidental ammunition to his general attention seeking brattiness.

The school is trying to push me into getting my boy into GAA...oh god...he is not sporty...he doesn't like it....but I think they are pushing me because they think he needs the masculine inputs and I am just another over protective infantialising single mother.

Basically OP you need new friends. You happen to have found some assholes. Are you in a local culture that is uneducated and ignorant?

Neyite

I'm in awe of single parents. More so since having my own child and seeing how hard the job is at hand and that is with another hands-on parent helping me. And we have just the one child!

But there are people who love nothing better than to sit and sneer at others and congratulate themselves on being 'better' than others. Makes them feel superior you see. Personally I find it pathetic in someone if the only way they can boost their own self esteem is by tearing apart other people. Distance yourself from these people - these neighbours, so-called friends, ex's. If someone says something nasty to you, you could icily tell them that you clearly were wrong in assuming that they did not hold backward and bigoted views, and cool the relationship.

I understand how nasty comments can chip away at your self esteem. It's disheartening, and demoralising. And now that it's rubbing off on your son, to the point where he wont take a place in a great school, I think you need to find a way to address it, get angry at it! In order to stop it affecting your children, you need to stop it affecting you. If they see that you think that other people's opinions matter, they will think they matter too.

Do you think you might be focusing on the negative comments while not acknowledging the many others around you that are supportive or admiring of your hard work and efforts? You sound pretty amazing tbh.

catonthewire

Hi OP,


I raised three now young adults on my own from the eldest was ten...
Your post brought back so many memories, I lost count of the times family, friends and neighbours made it their seemingly life's work to judge me on how I raised my children...
At the time I was the only single mother in the neighbourhood, if my boys went out to play and something went wrong , it was my door that always got wrapped..
Regardless of the fact they weren't in the vicinity of what happened..

Despite the nastiness OP, I ploughed on and was often rewarded by teachers complimenting me on how mannerly all of my children were and still are..
Please, please ignore these people, you are obviously a fantastic mum and role model for your kids...
No-one has the right to make you feel like this, single parents have to work that extra bit harder to raise their children, they should be giving you support not passing judgements...


OP, stick your nose in the air, hold your head high, ignore the neighbours , tell people to mind their own business and get on with enjoying your life...

pwurple

C'mere.... there's one I've learned from being a parent, and that's that everyone else thinks you are doing it wrong.

You have a couple of options with comments. Either brazen them with "What exactly do you mean", or brush them off lightheartedly.

I go the brazen way. So, at the lunch table where some twat says "Do you think your children will forget you are their mammy because you work"... I say, "You work the same hours as me, do your children forget you are their dad?"

Neyite

Neyite wrote: »

In order to stop it affecting your children, you need to stop it affecting you. If they see that you think that other people's opinions matter, they will think they matter too.

OP, I've been a single mother for 20 years and I've never come across the kind of attitudes you're talking about. There were a couple of moments where I heard "single mothers getting everything handed to them for free" type of comments which I dealt with swiftly and sharply.

Your "friends" are not your friends and your neighbours (where on earth do you live?!) are, frankly, idiots.

I've never been anything but proud of myself and my child and I think that communicates to people.

eviltwin

I'm not a single mum but I was a teenage mum so I could write a book at this stage on judgemental types. They are the kinds of people who judge everyone so try not to take it personally. It really does say more about them than it does you and your family. I found that often these people are actually deeply unhappy, someone happy in their skin doesn't throw out that kind of negativity.

On a practical level don't be afraid to call them out on it. I have and still do when I hear generalisations about young parents. If they won't respect you and your family distance yourself. I always got a buzz out of proving people wrong, there is no greater comeback than that. I hope your son accepts the place, he's earned it, he deserves it.

You've been unlucky, most people don't care about marital status and will take you as they find you. Sure all families come in different forms and none are perfect. Be proud of what you've done and hold your head up high.

power pants

its almost ironic as being a single father I get nothing but praise. When in reality Im no different to a single mother.

Or the classic " fair play, not many fathers would do what you are doing"

I disagree, I believe most if not all would IF ever in that situation.

Hannaho

Thanks all for your supportive comments Re where I live - I live in Suburban Dublin, in what would probably be considered a good middle class area - so not in an area you would necessarily think that people would display such ignorant views. The neighbours that made those comments are a bit like something from the arc - they have no kids and are in their 50s - which is not the point - but just that they are generally very old fashioned - I'm not sure how to explain but they would remind one of a bye gone ear - but the others who made negative comments to me are not like that. Re looking at the positive comments - I have never had anyone make a positive comment about how I was managing as a mother directly. A friend reported back that one of my lecturers in college thought I was amazing to be doing a masters as a single parent and working at the same time.

twill

Hannaho wrote: »

Thanks all for your supportive comments Re where I live - I live in Suburban Dublin, in what would probably be considered a good middle class area - so not in an area you would necessarily think that people would display such ignorant views. The neighbours that made those comments are a bit like something from the arc - they have no kids and are in their 50s - which is not the point - but just that they are generally very old fashioned - I'm not sure how to explain but they would remind one of a bye gone ear - but the others who made negative comments to me are not like that. Re looking at the positive comments - I have never had anyone make a positive comment about how I was managing as a mother directly. A friend reported back that one of my lecturers in college thought I was amazing to be doing a masters as a single parent and working at the same time.

My siblings and I were brought up in a Dublin suburb and went through the same thing as you after my parents separated, only with more aggression and verbal abuse from the children of parents who tacitly approved or even spurred them on. I think it is social one upmanship, which is why the suburban setting makes sense. I think you are actually more likely to get hostile reactions if your children are well-behaved, doing well in school, etc. The thought process is quite literally, "My children are entitled to do better than hers, they are higher on the social scale!" There is also the more widespread tendency to criticise others' parenting choices no matter what they are.

To sum up, I'd say, don't take it personally, or even take it as a measure of your success.

Blue Iris

It really annoys me OP that people have such ridiculously narrow minded views and express them to you. I can understand why you feel hurt and undermined, especially when it's a friend who says something. Stereotyping can be very cruel. In most places racist, homophobic and misogynistic comments are not tolerated and neither should negative comments about single mothers be tolerated. The same type of prejudice is at play.

I agree with others who have suggested that you should have some stock comments ready for when someone makes a comment that you find undermining. The thing is to not take any of it on because it is clearly that person's own narrow minded prejudice that is coming to light and nothing to do with you. I would teach this as a value to your kids and help them to see it as something that they should have a zero tolerance attitude to, just as they would to racism, homophobia and misogyny. It is totally unacceptable.

Aidan Holland

The reason why single mothers are not regarded as relationship material is many men percieve that there child bearing days are over especially if they have 2 or 3 kids and you can not expect any single man who has dreams of haveing his own biological children and basically forgetting about it just to babysit your kids. I was in in a relationship with a 28 year old who had 2 kids from a previous relationship and i would collect the kids from school etc and i was doing this on the promise that she was going to have my kids but subsequently she was lying and never again will i be duped like that. I would only date a single mother with one child because there would be a legitimate chance that she would have more children. My advice to all single mothers especially women that have 2 or 3 kids only get in to relationship with a single man who does not have have kids on the absolute premise that you will have his children otherwise its just human cruelty and your just wasteing his life.I know this sounds harsh op but this is the opinion that me and a lot of my early 20s friends have. you sound like a lovely person but realistically only date men who have kids it would save you a lot of heartache

ivytwine

OP I was raised by a single mother in a small town and she got a lot of that ****e too.

And you know what, feck em all.

You're doing right by your kids, and in the end it will show. I've no real advice as such but I just want to say that your kids will grow up thinking the world of you So stay strong and don't let them grind you down!

Hannaho

Hi! and thanks again to everyone for the supportive messages - it helps to know that I am not the only single mum who has been at the receiving end of this sort of treatment. I don't know what it is about Ireland, but I never felt like this when I was in the U.K. - maybe it's more accepted there - but I felt, rightly or wrongly, that Ireland was a better place to bring up children.

To Aidan Holland - the guy that I would have liked a friendship with was in his late 50s. He didn't want children at all, and I was just happy to have a friendship with him.

Stavro Mueller

Hannaho, I've seen your other threads here on boards and I'm kinda wondering do you have a tendency to inadvertently bring trouble onto your own head? Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree or you've been grossly unlucky? It's just a thought to throw into the mix.

ivytwine

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! and thanks again to everyone for the supportive messages - it helps to know that I am not the only single mum who has been at the receiving end of this sort of treatment. I don't know what it is about Ireland, but I never felt like this when I was in the U.K. - maybe it's more accepted there - but I felt, rightly or wrongly, that Ireland was a better place to bring up children.

My mother felt the same but I do feel there's a bit of Catholic prejudice lingering here that's not so visible in the UK, for obvious reasons. Having said that, there's a lot of bile talked about single parents and welfare over there (and here too) so it's probably even enough. Sad to say I think you get this everywhere.

Hannaho wrote: »

To Aidan Holland - the guy that I would have liked a friendship with was in his late 50s. He didn't want children at all, and I was just happy to have a friendship with him.

This was something that bothered my mother as well, in a small town- or suburbia in your case, it seems that you cannot talk to a man without having sex brought into it if you're a single mother. :rolleyes: Even my friend's widowed mother complained that she couldn't go into a pub for a drink now that her husband was dead without it being commented on. Some attitudes are glacially paced.

wingnut

It is hard to listen to, sometimes you have to just realize some people are just narrow minded and obnoxious, and what people like that say doesn't really matter.

I know this is easier said than done, but as Elanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You clearly have achieved great things with your life. Having just become a parent myself I find it exhausting with two of us spreading the load. I have a new found respect for single parents as a result, especially to have achieved what you have while doing it.

santana75

Hannaho wrote: »

Sorry, forgot to mention that I had a co-worker last year who went on and on about how boys need a father, and single mothers were the ruination of boys and that single mothers were a cause of self-harm in girls!

I cant comment on the girls and self harm thing but as a male child of a single mother I have to be honest and say that, yes, boys really do need a male role model in their lives. My parents were divorced when I was pretty young and after that I basically had no father as he just took himself out of the picture altogether. Anyway growing up I did notice a big difference between me and other blokes. Not so much when we were kids but most definitely in the late teen years and 20s. Confidence issues, Issues with being able to interact in a healthy way with other men, basically the art of being a man, but also issues with women, sex and dating. My mother did what she could and Im not criticizing her, but she could never show or model for me and my brothers in what it was to be a man. And that is very important to boys growing up, to have a man teach and show them what it is to be a man. I've known guys who were raised just by a mother over the years and its the same thing I've seen in them all, the lack of male energy or something, its hard to articulate, but its there.
Dr Robert Glover wrote a book Called "No more Mr Nice Guy" and in it he explores this whole subject of how men of single mothers are very much affected by the lack of a father or at the very least, strong and positive male role model, in their lives. I know a lot of people wont like this theory and will get angry about it, but again, as a child of a single mother I can honestly say that it does make a difference and that a woman just cant teach a boy how to be a man, only a man can do that.

zeffabelli wrote: »

The school is trying to push me into getting my boy into GAA...oh god...he is not sporty...he doesn't like it....but I think they are pushing me because they think he needs the masculine inputs and I am just another over protective infantialising single mother.

I have to be honest, I think its actually a good idea on the schools part. I always wince when I hear a parent say that their child isnt sporty. I think every child is sporty, that there is at least one, if not several, sports that everybody would thrive at, Its just a matter of experimenting with a lot of different activities. And sport is a great thing, it teaches kids so much. Maybe it doesnt have to be GAA, it could be football, or Tennis, Rugby, athletics, boxing, martial arts........Somewhere where he could interact with other boys and exercise his body aswell.

zeffabelli

santana75 wrote: »

I cant comment on the girls and self harm thing…. <SNIP>

Yes, I agree with everything you say...without doubt...about boys needing men around.

Seriously he is not sporty though, not in that way...he hates GAA. Maybe golf or archery or something like that. But they don't offer anything else, and MAKE the boys, not the girls, do GAA.

Equally I don't think its good to make kids do things that make them feel bad about themselves when they are already wrestling with the low self esteem left by rejection.

Hannaho

Hi! Everyone, again thanks for all the replies - very helpful and reassuring, especially to know that others/others mum have experienced similar - that I'm not being paranoid/going mad.

I will try and bear it in mind that these people are small-minded obnoxious. I have to say that the guy who did not want be friends and certainly not go out with me because I am a single mum would have been in a very abusive relationship after me, hasn't dated anyone in 12 years and I think is probably quite damaged by that relationship. The other woman who criticised my daughter's weight etc and whose own child is very bold, so much so that other parents won't let their children come around to her house, is very unhappily married and can't leave due to finances - maybe people have their reasons for being obnoxious, but it still hurts!

I've had a lot of people try to put me down - I do think it bothers them that I am successful, good job, own house etc and I'm a single mum. The lady in work who went on about girls of single mothers self-harming and boys needing a male role model, was in a lot of financial difficulty herself - lots of mortgages, and would ask me how as a single parent I could afford to go on holidays. She also seemed to resent that her own children gave up music when she wanted them to keep it up, but my own daughter, who is getting classical training, is often asked to sing at weddings, events and is in two choirs - I would have to take days off to bring her to a wedding/event to sing.

Re boys needing a role model - currently my son is ultra macho - but maybe later he will need a role model - I was looking at a private boys school for him, and maybe this is better than a mixed school for boys of single mothers.

Thanks again.

zeffabelli

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! Everyone, again thanks for all the replies - very helpful and reassuring, especially to know that others/others mum have experienced similar - that I'm not being paranoid/going mad.<SNIP>

Something to keep in mind, and this isn't just for single parents, but parents who have kids with various disorders or problems, find consolation in other kids having problems or disorders and so sometimes will find or ascribe issues that are not there, so they themselves can feel better.

dudara

@zeffabelli - please don't quote entire posts in your replies, especially if they are long posts. Long posts filled with quoted text are tough on readers who view the mobile version of the website.

dudara

santana75

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yes, I agree with everything you say...without doubt...about boys needing men around.

Seriously he is not sporty though, not in that way...he hates GAA. Maybe golf or archery or something like that.

Equally I don't think its good to make kids do things that make them feel bad about themselves when they are already wrestling with the low self esteem left by rejection.

Im not having a go at single mothers. Jesus thats not the case. I know you do your absolute best and you only have your childrens best interest at heart. Im just saying that theres things that even you and all the love you have for your children, cant do. And theyre very gender specific issues. I think its the same for girls. I think girls need a definite female role model to show them how to be women just as much as boys need a male role model to teach them to be men. I know its not an ideal world where every child has a mother and father who actually love each other and its a healthy household. But I just think its a good thing for boys to have male influences in their lives. Like consistent and positive, strong male influences that are there for those important early years. And this could be a coach from a sports club.
GAA and football can be extreme ends of the spectrum to be fair. There is a lot of rejection inherently involved, they're not as inclusive as athletics or martial arts etc. So if a child is a little rocky in the self esteem dept, it might be too traumatic to force them down that road. It doesn't have to be those conventional routes though, archery sounds great. I think the point is all sports have common themes running through them so it doesn't really matter what it is, so long as he loves it.

Satori Rae

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! I'm a single mum, late 40s, two children 13 and 12.<SNIP>

You should be more so proud of yourself then let petty small minded comments get to you.

Some people just take a certain part of you ie your single status and apply it to who wholly as a person. It's a bit discriminating really. But they can't help stereotyping.

My advice is avoid these people like the plague you really don't have to explain yourself to other people.

In fact (and I'm not a parent) but raising kids on your own must be tricky at times with arrangements and time management.

So if anything these people need to get of their high horse. And concentrate on their own family.
If you can't avoid these people be confident in who you are don't be afraid of being witty or sarcastic. When you feel it is called for.

They might just get the point then.

dellas1979

Hannaho wrote: »

A friend reported back that one of my lecturers in college thought I was amazing to be doing a masters as a single parent and working at the same time.

But hannaho, that is amazing! Full time job, studying, and 2 teenage kids.

I think you are so fed up with "jelly fish comments" as I call them (little stings), that you cant even recognise now when someone has something kind to say.

As another poster said, its really all about them (yes, and try and judge/criticise them, they go nuts).

You really need to stand up for yourself here. You can say things back like "Gosh youre a bit over concerned about me, arent you?", "Dont you think thats a bit judgmental?" Lots and lots of phrases. The point is to push inappropriate comment back to them. And not take them onboard (which is what you are doing now).

I'd be a very nice/passive person, very helpful - but dont judge me or try put me down. I know who I am. And I'll come at you like a bull. At work the other day, a women (who I thought would know better) said something quite personal to me (in front of people), and instead of addressing the actual comment, I addressed her behaviour. And I asked her where her jelly fish sting comment was supposed to go/what was it supposed to mean to me. And oh boy, did it put her back in her box.

Dont be scared of people. But stand up for yourself.

Hannaho

Delles, when I see it obsjectively, written down like that - yes, I suppose it is amazing - full-time work, study and two teenagers. I know I would think someone else doing his was amazing, but I never stop to think how much I actually do and cope with - I have, except for that one time, when I heard a compliement second hand, I don't recall other positive comments. I do know a single dad, however, whose wife left him when their daughter was two - he has his daughter full-time, and people are always telling him how amazing he is!

Any way, will try to have a few stock phrases when I'm confronted by prejudice in future or to certainly confront the person assertively.

I will have to try and get over the prejudice stuff - at the moment, I dread telling people I'm a single mother - they will always assume I have a husband, and eventually I have to say I'm a single mother. Because of all this, socially, I am much more tentative in contacting people. Some college friends and I have a missonary friend from our time in College. I lost contact with him, but some of the others have been in contact with him recently again. He was a great person, but yet though I have his email, I'm afraid, celibate man that he is, and committed to God, that he will think I'm after him - he's away in Africa for next two years - given the rep of single mums!!

catonthewire

Hi,

I have been following your thread OP, your last post honestly suggests that you are yourself hung up on being a single mum...
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you're comment 're not contacting your friends in the missions is verging on the dramatic....
Are you seriously suggesting that given the attitudes of a few neighbours, work colleagues ect would deter you from contacting him?...

If you can't change the attitude of those who bother you, then change your own, simply learn to ignore them...

silverfeather

Other people's opinions of you is not your reality it is theirs. You are not what others think of you. You are not feckless or selfish, unless you are feckless and selfish. You are not a statistic. You are you. Thank you for sharing.I have no idea what type of mother you are, only that you are single. I don't know whether to call this a type of sexism or simply small mindedness. But if people close to you are judging you within a broader generalization rather than you as an individual then how close are they really to you at all?

I am not any kind of a mother. I would imagine it's the Achilles heel for any way you might want to hurt a woman. The soft spot, 'you're a bad Mother'. I would imagine it's very hurtful.

Just love your children. You are the only mother they have. You are not just any single mother you are the mother of your child. You are not a statistic you are you. The honest experience of a single parent is not one we are used hearing on the internet and thank you for sharing it. Maybe if more people read they might swap judgement for humanity.