Relationship Status??

LegacyUser

I'd prefer to go anon for this. I met a guy 1 week ago off a dating site, we both said we were not looking for anything serious ,neither want a relationship.

However, in the space of 1 week, we have seen each other 5 times (i know i know) , this wasnt meant to happen but he'd ring me up and say i know we werent meant to see each other tonight and i dont want to come on too strong and scare you off but i'd really like to see you tonight, so we'd head out for drinks ,out for dinner, he even referred to me as 'his girlfriend' on a night out.
He told me he really likes me and thinks alot of me. the other day we chatted about seeing other people and he said well as along as we are seeing each other i dont think we should see other people its like cheating, to which i agreed.

Last nite he said he wanted to be honest with me about something, that in the week we have been seeing each other that he has been talking to and texting a girl he was seeing before me, he said he felt bad and told her yesterday that he wouldnt be seen her anymore.

my nephew's 18th is in Kerry next weekend and I told him i was going to this party, he told me that he would like to go with me. I laughed and said 'but we're not a couple, no way its far too soon', he said 'it's no big deal its just like heading on a nite out we can book a hotel nearby' i told him some of my family will be there and he said 'but sure i get on with everyone we will have a bit of craic.

I'm very confused , is he coming on too strong, or what is he expecting from 'us', he did tell me from day one he wasnt looking for a relationship. but in the space of 1 week this sounds like a relationship to me.

I really really do like him too and wouldnt mind it turning into a relationship , but i'm getting mixed signals from him.

Idle Passerby

It sounds uncomfortably full on to me. If your not comfortable with introducing him to your family (and come on you will have to at the 18th) then don't do it.
Do you want aunts and cousins asking how long you know each other, how you met? Would you be happy for them to be asking how the relationships going in a few months time when he might be long gone?

If you feel comfortable with the idea go for it, if your hesitant just tell him its very early days and you want to take it slower.

CaraMay

He's not listening to you - red flag!! He's acting in a very controlling manner already. Take a step back and see how he acts. A lot of these intense guys run out of steam quickly and once the object of their desires falls for them. Make this go at your pace, not his

strobe

You sound like you feel a bit rushed. Not a nice way to feel. The fact you've started a thread about it kind of points to the fact you're a bit uncomfortable with it. So don't be afraid to say how you feel. You really, really like him, and could potentially see things turning into a relationship if they go well, but it's been a week and you don't really know each other from Adam yet and you'd like to take things a bit slower.

If he's worth anything at all in terms of being a potential boyfriend he'll be cool with that, and will ease off.

Payton

As happy and wonderful as it is It's seems a bit rushed from his point of view and full on which has taken you by somewhat suprise, and your struggling to get your head around things.
Maybe ask him just to take a break for a while maybe a week to find your feet on see how you feel and just take time to yourself....

Chemical Byrne

This is bizarre behaviour. So you say neither of ye want a relationship but ye are hanging out 5 days a week - that in itself is unsustainable, ye will burn it out. Some me time is very important and neither of ye are getting that. So if ye are not looking for a relationship then what is the nature of your meet ups? Is it sexual? Or just friendly banter as in, like, just friendship?

Him inviting himself along to the birthday and getting push about it are very worrying. It is coming on waaay to strong and is also violating normal social norms. You don't invite yourself to things, you are supposed to be asked ffs. That he is making a nuisance of himself at such an early stage is worrying.

I mean I am with mf gf like 5 or 6 months now and we see hang out like 3 times a week. That is just what we feel is right because we are busy people in general. Any more and we'd have no time to ourselves to just relax.

pookie82

Tread carefully, OP. Generally someone who is this "all about you" after 5 days isn't so much mad about you as mad about the thrill of it. That's not a personal insult, I can't know if you've knocked him off his feet, and maybe you have ... but he's rushing things.

It's all well and good to get swept away and caught up in the romance of it all, but for your own sake, keep him away from family until you're sure it's going somewhere. A polite but firm "no" to the invite he gave himself should suffice. If he pushes it beyond that and insists, there's something really odd going on.

Also how would you explain to your family you're shacking up in a nearby hotel with a lad who's not your bf but who you're bringing along anyway? I'd find that personally awkward to be honest.

I've seen a lot of my friends get "sucked in" by lads who are very full on from the get go, and generally they're sidetracked and into someone else new within a few weeks and the girl is left dumbfounded as to what went wrong.

I'd be more inclined to trust a slow and steady build up in seeing each other.

tinz18

Quick question OP: when you say that you both weren't looking for anything serious, by any chance could it be a case of you saying it and him just going along? I was in that situation before from online dating where, when I stated that I wanted nothing serious, the guy went from "I want a commited serious relationship I don't do one night stands" to "we can just have casual sex" in a blink of an eye. I saw it as a major red flag because no one changes their ideals that quick and I knew if I persued anything with him, I would end up in the same situation as you find yourself now. (It was hard enough to get him to leave me alone once I told him he needed to find a different girl)

I definitely think he's coming across too strong too early. Like my current boyfriend was ultra keen but we only saw each other twice a week for the first few weeks. As for the inviting himself to your family party I think its a bit cheeky and trying to be controlling. I understand that in some cases people who live in their home town, end up letting their partners meet their parents in the first few weeks but where I'm from its generally a case that you don't introduce them to the family until you are together long enough to know/hope its going somewhere. In no way should you feel pressured into letting him meet your family until you want it. I ended up meeting my bfs family two months in which was very early in my books, he didn't meet mine until a year in.

I would examine your feelings about what you want and whether you want a non serious relationship or not and then take it from there. From what you have said this guy either wants it to be serious or has no idea of boundaries when it comes to boundaries in casual dating. Its up to you to lay down those boundaries and make it clear with him where you stand. If he guilts you about the party then in my opinion I say run a mile because you don't want to spend your relationship caving to guilt trips.

ifElseThen

He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he can get into the scratcher with you. After that he'll bail out.

LegacyUser

veryconfusedaboutstatus wrote: »

we both said we were not looking for anything serious ,neither want a relationship.


I really really do like him too and wouldnt mind it turning into a relationship , but i'm getting mixed signals from him.

You're giving mixed signals too by the sounds of it.

From my experience, the ones that come across with the strong feelings at the beginning, are the first ones to cool and bail fairly quickly.

Est28

Sorry I'm going to skip over the intricate details here but I can sum this up with....

.... SO. MUCH. DRAMA. OMG.....

Come on now, he brings up dating other people, then later admits he was doing it? But told you it was cheating? After a week? In which you went out every night? While he was talking to this other girl? Which he wouldn't do? Because HE SAID IT WAS CHEATING? AFTER A WEEK???

Oh my god, my head is spinning, it's so insane.

Meet a guy, go on one date. If he wants to meet the next day, it's clingy and weird. Have one date, if you like him set something up for next week again, then go live your life in the mean time. And that includes going on other dates if you want. Someone you met a week doesn't dictate you "cheated" by going on a date with someone else. That's insane.

This is so much drama after a week I'd run a mile to be honest. This will only get worse.

silverfeather

It is over the top. It's rare you have the feelings that go with relationships at this stage. Not unless it's crazy crazy love time.

Usually you are getting to know one another. I know some people do monogamy. It can be seen as respectful. But five dates in a week is a bit much unless it's crazy love time.

One thing I notice about your post is that your feelings don't seem to be matching the intensity of the situation. Usually people say at the beginning they are LOOKING for a relationship if they want to just see the one person. It seems odd to have the turn around and the mixed signals.

If someone tells me they are not looking for a relationship I know then I am in friendship territory. He seemed to go from cool to hot fairly quickly. In my experience true feelings start as they mean to continue. He would know what he was looking for.

LegacyUser

Oh god, it's all so OTT. I wouldn't trust him an inch tbh.

A cautionary tale: years ago, I met a guy when I was on a weekend away. He was from the town we were in. Before I got back to Dublin (I was staying with my friend on the night we drove back), he'd phoned my house and texted me multiple times. My drunken friends had given him both numbers the night we met.

Anyway, way too many phone calls, and too many texts during the week. But that level of interest is flattering, right?

Arranged to meet him that Fri night. Waited 45 mins, no sign of him & no contact. The next day and all the next week, loads of apology phone calls and texts (his phone was broken, apparently - heard this when I eventually replied to him). We got on so well in chats that I thought why not give him a second chance, because just maybe his phone story was true. So I arranged to meet him the next Fri.

So we met up, good laugh, great chats, good times. I was happy that I'd done the second chance thing. Then he started talking about how great we got on, how well we clicked, how I was soooo much more interesting that other girls he'd been seeing recently. And suggested that we go for a weekend away. I cracked up laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the suggestion, and said that it was waaaay too soon. More chats, and then he went outside to answer a phone call - and never came back!!!!!!!!

What an immature little sh*t he was! Clearly just wanted the ride, and flattered me like hell to try to make it happen. Worse eejit me, thinking after days of over-enthusiasm on his part, that I should forgive the the initial no show.

Lesson learned: if it seems too much too soon, if you find yourself considering agreeing to things that you normally might not, then it's just WRONG. He is pressuring you into three things that you don't seem to feel comfortable with:
1. Intros to your family - that is just beyond insane after 1 week
2. Making you feel that you are in a relationship, despite you expressly saying up front that you didn't want one
3. I don't know how you feel about having sex with him - as far as I'm concerned, if you wanted to within 5 mins, then go for it - BUT: he is again forcing the situation by talking about booking a hotel.

I think he's a pushy git tbh, who isn't listening to what you want at all, and will dump you after you have sex with him. At best, he has no sense of boundaries, or respect for what you want. If you want to have sex with him, then do it. But be very careful of your feelings OP. I don't think he is a genuine guy by a long shot. I think he's a player, and you are being flattered into doing things that you don't want to.

Merkin

OMG run like the wind! He's a total flake and is already behaving like a controlling and manipulative nut job.

When you really think you could potentially like someone you take it slow. I can see this guy declaring undying and then you never seeing him for dust again. I'd be cutting him loose completely.

silverfeather

Merkin wrote: »

OMG run like the wind! He's a total flake and is already behaving like a controlling and manipulative nut job.

I think that's a bit over the top. He just likes her.


It's really about being in sync. If it's moving too fast to you then tell him. Talk about it. He hasn't done anything to indicate he is a psycho the only thing really is he was taking texts from another girl and that would bother me. Did you know the guy from before op? Mostly we meet dates through friends etc.

If it too strong for you ask him to cool it say you will see each other once next week etc. If you are just not sure you want to see him again then end it.

Mr. Incognito

Say No.


If he likes you he will wait.

If he is a messer after one thing he will flake.

Win, win.

Men can manipulate women like this because they want to believe some romantic nonsense from a movie.

Too fast by far.

Semele

I dated a similar sounding guy for a few weeks, who ignored everything I said about what I was looking for and just powered on with his own agenda regardless. The meeting your family bit really strikes a chord with me- in my case he invited me to his family event within 2 weeks of meeting him, I said no because I felt it was too soon to meet all his family as his girlfriend (because I wasn't sure how I felt about him yet) and he would not let it go! Every time I said no again, he'd follow up with "Well, you don't have to decide now...let's wait and see" or something similar. Then he told his mother on the phone with me there that I was coming! I challenged him on it and got "I'm really hoping you'll come, it'd be fun".

I felt so steamrollered by the entire thing and it was a huge factor in me breaking it off a couple of weeks later (whereupon I then received weeks of abusive messages, furious because HE really liked ME, apparently. Never mind how I felt about anything).

Red flags all over OP!

tara73

agree with all the other posts. sounds odd. as another poster pointed out: how should it work? you telling your family he's just a brief aquaintant, met a week ago, but anyway, I thought I bring him to this family outing and stay in a hotel nearby..

OP, stick to your guns, tell him it's too early to bring him to a family party, see how he reacts and take it from there.

mocha please!

Definitely far too soon for him to meet your family. Tell him that's just a non-runner. If he doesn't just accept that, I'd take it as a major red flag.

It all sounds very intense and full-on. Take a breather. Take a few nights off from seeing him. Ask yourself why, only a week ago, you didn't want a relationship - what's changed?

If you really like this guy, I'd take things slow. Meet up with him maybe twice a week max for the next few weeks. If he's looking to meet you more often than that, just explain that you want to take things slow, and that you have your own life and friends and family and interests. If he loses interest, or puts excessive pressure on you to see him more, you'll know it wasn't the right relationship for you.

Be very careful here. It often happens that a relationship goes from "I really like you so much that I want to spend every free minute in your company" to "I don't want to share you with anyone else" to "If you love me, why would you want to meet your friends without me there" ... I'm not speaking from personal experience, but I've often heard of controlling (sometimes abusive) relationships that start with extreme flattery and OTT keenness in the early stages. And then there's the dishonesty and hypocrisy of him (by his own self-defined rules) "cheating" on you.

If you really, really like the guy ... Just proceed with extreme caution, and maintain your boundaries.

Idle Passerby

mocha please! wrote: »

Be very careful here. It often happens that a relationship goes from "I really like you so much that I want to spend every free minute in your company" to "I don't want to share you with anyone else" to "If you love me, why would you want to meet your friends without me there"

I second this. Also the ones who are head over heels in the first week are usually the same ones that drop you like a hot potato two weeks later when some other shiny distraction comes along.