Husband has Repeated Bad Behavior

DeeDee13

Hello,
I am having a problem with my husband and son. My husband insists on yelling at my son at dinner time. I find this very disturbing and no matter how many times I've asked him not to do it ...he continues. It's always something. Last night my son turned on the TV during dinner (we usually watch during dinner) and my husband told him to turn it off, and started yelling and banging his plate on the table. Apparently he wanted to eat the table with us and listen to the radio in the other room. He stormed off with his plate to the other room and kicked furniture around. When everyone left the room he proceeded to yell and scream that my son was selfish, disrespectful, etc. calling him other names as well. So loud that my son could hear him upstairs.

My husband thinks his behavior is correct and it's my sons fault and is disrespectful. My son didn't know that my husband wanted to listen to the radio...he was just doing what we always do. My husband says that I will never see that my son does anything wrong.
This has been going on for 11 years and I'm about done. Probably should have been done sooner but I kept thinking things would get better but they haven't.

I appreciate you opinions on this situation and if I start making my way towards the door... Thanks

beyondbelief67

If you have tried talking to him and that hasn't worked the only advice I would give would be to leave now and take your son with you while you both have self esteem left.
It sounds an extremely toxic environment for you all.
Good luck.

jopax

That is an awful situation for you & your son to be in.
Your husband obviously has issues and is venting all his aggression towards your son.

Is there any family that you could talk to that might be able to help him see what he is doing?

Could you suggest maybe family counseling.

If he doesn't agree to do something as the last post said you won't have much choice than to leave or continue as it is & maybe get worse.

My heart goes out to your son he doesn't deserve to live with that volatility, it will change who he is & there is no going back.

I wish you both all the best, try to stay strong for you & your child.

retro:electro

He sounds horrible, and I suspect it's just the tipping point for you on what was a rocky road. Your poor son. You've tried talking to him so id say the next best thing is to remove yourself and your child (children?) from that toxic environment asap. There's absolutely no reason why you should stay and endure that, why would you?

Eeden

Is your husband your son's father? It's not clear from your post.

DeeDee13

No he is not.

Eeden

I think that if, as you say, this is an ongoing thing, you need to think long and hard about whether you still want this man in your life. This has got to be damaging to your son. It is also disrespectful to you.

strandroad

DeeDee13 wrote: »

No he is not.

I guessed that, you kept calling him "my son". It's more than an anger management issue then, your husband seems to have a lot of issues with having your son around and your parenting style.
Is there a chance he'd agree to some sort of mediation or therapy?
If not, you should protect your son and remove yourselves from such abusive environment.

LegacyUser

Has he always been like this with him? 11 years is along time to put up with that kind of head melting behavior. I can't believe you have stayed for this long. I feel so sorry for your kid, his head must be melted.

Neyite

Your husband is a gobsh!te. Even my toddler acts with more decorum and can ask for what he wants in a reasonable tone of voice. Your son is not Mystic Meg and cant know that your husband wanted to listen to the radio instead of the usual TV, so it sounds to me like your husband wanted to kick off about anything for the sake of it and engineered a situation to rant about, whereas a mature man would just say "son, I'm listening to the radio, can you turn the tv off please?"

If this is what he's been like for 11 years, I pity your son. I have sympathy for you too, but you chose to live with this man, your son had no choice. Would your husband be open to family counselling, do you think?

silverfeather

There is something wrong with your husband. He should be able to see retrospectively he was behaving strangely and change it. There is something not right with him.

He should be able to make requests to your son calmly.

Pawwed Rig

I would suspect that the parenting dynamic is broken in your family. Your husband may feel he is a third wheel in the relationship.
From your brief description of one incident it is impossible to give advice about your relationship despite others here immediately going for the nuclear option of leaving.
Decide whether you want to try and save your relationship first. If you do then discuss matters with your husband in a calm manner maybe in the presence of a counsellor. It may be that there are a few sides to this story that deserve to be heard.

zeffabelli

Could their be generational differences in expectations of how he expects kids to behave?

Here's the thing about step parents and parents.

We all know parenting is s thankless job. That parents do what they do because of evolution and survival and because it's their genes in that basket and because their kids are so damn cute....it is only because of genetics and nature that parents can tolerate it.

So to expect people who are not genetically invested not to completely lose their minds by the demands of not being selfish is frankly nuts and also why good step parents really must be prAised and praised some more.

He also could be angry with you and taking it out on your son - or using your son to punish you by proxy.

Your husband has to own up that he can't parent someone else's child. Step parenting is really hard, not every one is cut out for it.

Stavro Mueller

Did your husband ever have any sort of relationship with your son? Or did he just tolerate him because you and him came as a package?

jelenka

I have to say I feel so sorry for your son, it's not a healthy environment to be growing up in, especially as the man that always finds faults in boys behaviour is not even his father, but a man his mother chose to live with.
You need to really think hard of what your options are and make your sons life better by either removing this man from your family or making your husband see his faults and get help for his anger management issues.
One thing I really hope is that your son knows that you are on his side and want this unfair treatment from your husband towards him to stop.
You husband is definitely in need of a slap ( or counselling) acting like a child and banging, storming off and shouting at 11 year old is not what grown man should do.
I wish you and your son the best for the future and hope you can work something out...

magicmushroom

I feel very bad for your son - I'm surprised you've let this go on for 11 years!
I'd be gone. No way would I let anyone treat a child of mine like that.

If it was the first time it had happened I'd be saying talk to him etc but as it has been going on for so long as is obviously considered 'normal' behaviour by your husband then I'd be telling to get the hell out.

stargazer 68

Op its not 'bad behaviour' its absolutely appalling behaviour and if my partner spoke to his own son like that let alone mine he would be getting a lot more than a few words from me! You are teaching your son that this behaviour is okay - well its not and its time to protect him.

zeffabelli

Dovies wrote: »

Op its not 'bad behaviour' its absolutely appalling behaviour and if my partner spoke to his own son like that let alone mine he would be getting a lot more than a few words from me! You are teaching your son that this behaviour is okay - well its not and its time to protect him.

Exactly...and in addition to that he is providing his central role model for behavior as the same sex adult in the household.

DeltaWhite

Tell your husband that he can sit in the other room from now on having dinner with his precious radio. I would never ever let anyone speak to my child like that. Absolute disgrace. How awful your son must feel. In no way am I blaming you here but I really hope that you wont tolerate it any longer. Your husband sounds like a right a bully.

Chemical Byrne

I know its easier said than done OP but you should not have permitted this behaviour to continue for 11 years. Perhaps you have just reached breaking point with it? By allowing this condct to persist for so long you have effectively normalised it in his eyes. As a consequence it will be much harder to roll back on it, but at the same time it is never to late to challenge this behaviour.

No offence, but your husband is a prick. You need to stick up for yourself and your son. Hard as it might be you must sit him down in an adult conversation and make it crystal clear to him that YOU.WILL.NOT.TOLERATE any more abusive behaviour towards YOUR son, verbal or otherwise and if he does so again he can pack his bags and get out! Discipline and verbal abuse are not the same thing.

He has a problem and anger management therapy is required at the very least. That and a small bit of cop on regarding normal acceptable behaviour. He's acting like a toddler.

LegacyUser

Going anon for this,
OP, I've been in a similar situation to your son, only in my case with was with my biological father - parents are still married. Since I was very young he would always take out his temper on me, he used to hit me until I was 12 years old and hit him back one day. After that the physical side stopped and it was constant mental abuse. He would always be hot and cold with me. Some days he would be the picture of a perfect father, other days he would fly off the handle calling me every bad name under the sun for something as simple as not having the dishwasher emptied, or not having his dinner cooked despite not being told it was my day to cook. Then he would pick at me over other things - spending too much time on my laptop, not spending enough time studying (despite being told I couldn't go on my laptop). You get the picture!
Anyway this went on all my life, even when I was in college he would be the same when I got home for the weekends. It was only after spending time away and living with other people that I realised how bad it was getting. I had a complete mental break down, sunk into bad depression, was getting daily panic attacks. My heart would start racing the second I heard his car pull up because I didn't know whether it would be a good or a bad day with him. Even if things weren't my fault and he was in a mood for a different reason, he would take it out on me.
I couldn't talk to him about it, but I broke down in tears one night and said it all to my mother. She never realised because he's never like that towards me with someone else around.
She had a long chat with him and since then life at home has been perfect. We haven't fought once, he walks away if his temper is bad. Yes occasionally if something is genuinely my fault we'll have words but in general it's all good.
I suppose by telling you all this, I'm trying to say you need to have this talk with your husband. You need to sit him down and tell him it's totally unacceptable. Because one day it could all become too much for your son to be treated like that and he could end up like I was or worse. Trying to change things now while your son is still young could be the best thing for everyone. I really hope it all works out okay op. X

DeeDee13

I haven't read everyone response but I want to respond quickly. Firstly, thank you all so much for your responses. My husband pulls this stuff like once every couple of months ....over the last 11 years. No..he never had a good relationship with my son. They have always butted heads so to speak..but no physical abuse. I am going to talk to him about counseling because right now I don't have any place to move. I've already started looking for apartments but they are very expensive.

p.s. I don't shy away from his anger.. He gets an earful from me and I sleep in the other bedroom every time it happens. I also make sure my son knows it's not his fault.

Stavro Mueller

OP, I don't think you get what a damaging environment you're bringing your son up in. Does it matter if he knows it's not his fault. He's trapped in a house with a man who isn't his father and who doesn't get on with him. If you are not careful, he'll come to resent you for choosing your husband over him and will leave home as soon as he can.

Blue Iris

I agree with Stavro Op. You are exposing your son to ongoing emotional abuse and regardless of the support you give him it will have to have an impact into his future. You are not responsible for this abuse (far from it), but you are responsible for your son's wellbeing. It puts you in a very difficult situation regarding sourcing new housing but there are huge supports out there if you go looking for them. Maybe try Women's Aid to get advice. Barnardos may also have useful information. Best of luck.