Ended it but wants to be friends - why?

LegacyUser

Hello.

I have been seeing someone for the past year and I have honestly never loved like it before.
He made me extremely happy and I really wanted a future for us.

Sadly, it recently ended (his decision) and this was because he couldn't make enough time for me due to the commitment of children he has from a previous relationship.
I know in my heart that this isn't really the issue, that it has fizzled out on his side and his feelings for me weren't as strong as mine are for him and this is why he suddenly stopped making time for me. My opinion is you can always make time for someone you love and the fact that he didn't speaks volumes.

I'm not looking for advice in getting him back or anything, I know that we are finished and I am slowly accepting it, despite this being the saddest and most depressing time of my life. I am devastated and really struggling with the split.

Anyway...he has made it very clear that he would like to be friends. Since our split I have been invited to a family event by him, he regularly calls over to see me for a visit, he is talking about us doing things together many months from now but always just as friends.

I'm not sure it will work and have explained that I need some time alone for now to come to terms with us splitting. However he is very insistent, saying he wants me in his life forever as he still loves me but it's unfair to keep me as a girlfriend when he can't give me what I want and I deserve a man who can give me more.

So I suppose I'm looking for your opinions on this - especially if you're a man.
Why would he still want to be friends? And not just acquaintances, close friends who regularly see each other.
Any relationship I've had, once it's finished I am ready to just walk away and leave that person in my past.

He has said that he is not looking for a relationship with anyone else, still maintaining the reason is because he can't give anyone the time they would need and if he can't be with me he wouldn't even try with anyone else.

Is he just using me? Keeping me at arms length for convenience but without the bother of commitment? Have any of you been in this situation - I'd particularly like to hear from males and get a mans perspective on this.

Thanks

CaraMay

He's using you as a companion until he meets someone else. You gave to pull off the plaster and just finish all contact. He has the best of both world - company and no commitment. You deserve more

pookie82

This is deeply unfair to you and horribly cruel. He's being incredibly selfish.

At the end of the day, if he broke up with you, he doesn't get to still get all your time and friendship and attention when he can make space for it. He's trying to hang on to the "convenient bit" of your relationship and make out it's in the name of friendship.

That's bs. How will you ever move on and meet anyone else when this guy has effectively told you he has plans for you both months in advance but can't fully commit either?

You need to put your foot down and tell him to leave you be, for a few months at least. He had the balls to let you go, now you need to guts to tell him to stay gone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the honest advice girls.

CaraMay wrote: »

He's using you as a companion until he meets someone else

Have to say, this particular line packed a punch - only because I know it's true though.

I'm so disappointed in myself for being weak enough to let him make me feel this way.
I just can't seem to walk away though, I don't have the courage to tell him to go away and leave me alone because I'm so stupidly lovesick. What is wrong with me.

In all other aspects of my life I am strong minded and independent, a very mature and capable woman. But this guy has me in a mess.

I know I need to end the contact, I'm just so pathetic that I can't. I hate this.
I want to go home and have a good cry, can't really cope with this day at all.

LegacyUser

I've been close pals with exes. I have no desire for them to be my girlfriend but we were friendly before we got together and as a guy, I could compartmentalise that. As in, we used to be friends. Then we used to go out. Now we do not go out. Therefore we can go back to being the way we were. That's the way I used to think ... I have realised that it is never that simple.

It sounds like he is too busy to have a girlfriend but not a pal to do things with. It's easier that way as he can go back to his own life after hanging out with you for a few hours etc

That doesn't mean that you have to do it though.

Just tell him that you can't just switch off your feelings and that having him around will effect your chances of meeting someone new.

As for him calling around to you and wanting to see you as a close friend, does he happen to be lonely or have many other friends?

IlmoNT4

Hes keeping his options open .... He broke up with you and now he wants to redefine the relationship and keep you hanging in there....

I'd cut contact and tell him you cant be friends, which you cant....

mada82

Tell him to jog on. As an above poster said he is being really selfish.

Stavro Mueller

When someone ends a relationship, they've usually given it some thought and sorted things out in their head before they open their mouth. Quite often they've already mentally checked out of the relationship. It sounds like that's what happened here. He ended it, he's over you but he's being utterly selfish. The only way exes can be friends is if both of them have recovered from the split and have no romantic feelings anymore. This is not the case here so friendship's out of the question.

He's definitely using you for his own ends. Be careful it doesn't degenerate into a "friends with benefits" situation which will make things very messy indeed. It's not for your benefit that he's staying in touch. If he finds someone else he likes better, you'll be dropped like a hot snot. Really, you're better off out of there.

LegacyUser

I agree with others he's using you. If he calls again don't answer the door send him a text that you don't want to be friends and to leave you alone. If you are on social media delete him from your life. He can't have it both ways.

kittycati

I'm not a male but I reckon he is just keeping you at arms length.. He wants to see what else is on offer yet have you on standby.. Could you honestly see yourself being his friend without any feelings?? Save yourself the pain further down the line and cut ties.. It's either all or nothing.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think it's even a case of him wanting to keep you hanging around on the sidelines, I think much like many people who say "we can still be friends", the being friends part is just to ease their own guilt at having finished the relationship. By finishing it with you but pushing for you to still be around he feels better about himself. He can persuade himself that he didn't really hurt you at all and you're quite happy to be "just good friends".

The part he's not getting is, you are not ok with it. But he's willing to push ahead until you are ok with it and then he doesn't have to feel like a baddy. The sorry truth is he just didn't like you enough. But nobody wants to be the person who says that. So they/we come up with excuses to soften the blow. Usually along the lines of "I'm too busy", "we can still be friends" but guaranteed when the right person comes along they can make the time, and the friendship comes to an abrupt halt because there's now somebody else to bring to family functions and to do things with at the weekends. If he hasn't time for you now, he'll have zero time for you when he starts seeing someone else.

You don't have to stick around just so he feels better about all this. You are miserable being paraded around as his friend. You are holding out hope for more. You are missing out on opportunities to meet someone who does like you enough and who does want to be with you.

It will be so difficult for you but I think you're going to have to tell him that you can't do the friends thing. Tell him it's more for his benefit than yours and you need to step back because it's not working for you.

Payton

As a male I was seeing a girl for a while and through the jigs and the reels it just didn't work out. I liked her a lot as did she like me but as you were told..."it's just not working out....but we can still be friends". Sorry but if you remain friends the other person is always going to be in your life, your always going to compare their new beau ' is he/she happy with them...they look as if they aren't enjoying themselves" etc to yourself and it will eat you up inside.
I think he's keeping you at arms length for HIS own gratification nothing more. Your worth more than his childish games, be upfront and be the bigger person with thanks but no thanks and get on with your life.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

are you still sleeping with him?

LegacyUser

be true to yourself wrote: »

Hey op,

are you still sleeping with him?

Yep. It's happened a couple of times.

I know, I know...I'm mad to even go there. Please don't give me a lecture :-(
I know how stupid I have been and I'm regretting it very much.

The answers on here have given me a bit of a wake up call, I know I need to stop all contact.
I'm thinking of booking a weekend away for myself next week to get away from it all, clear the head.
I really appreciate all the replies, every one of them has honestly helped me and I've read them a few times when I've felt down the last few days and they have helped to keep me strong and refrain from texting him. Thank you all.

stargazer 68

going_anon_today wrote: »

Yep. It's happened a couple of times.

I know, I know...I'm mad to even go there. Please don't give me a lecture :-(
I know how stupid I have been and I'm regretting it very much.

Well Op there is your answer to your original question. Delete his number so you can't text and be unavailable when he contacts you. I know its easier said than done (trust me) but in the end you will be glad you did it.

Stavro Mueller

OP I'm not going to give you a lecture about sleeping with your ex but it goes to show why you need to cut all contact with him. This is all on his terms. He gets to enjoy your company and your bed without the commitment of a relationship. He's using you and for your own sake you need to cut him out of your life. If you've a smartphone it's easy to block his number. I believe you need to do this along with deleting and blocking him from Facebook etc. It's going to be painful but you need to cut the cord so you can heal.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

OP I'm not going to give you a lecture about sleeping with your ex but it goes to show why you need to cut all contact with him. This is all on his terms. He gets to enjoy your company and your bed without the commitment of a relationship. He's using you and for your own sake you need to cut him out of your life. If you've a smartphone it's easy to block his number. I believe you need to do this along with deleting and blocking him from Facebook etc. It's going to be painful but you need to cut the cord so you can heal.

Yes you are completely right.
I'm starting to see this myself now very clearly, I can't move on with my life with him still in it.
I feel a little bit better about things today now that I have realised I don't need him, that I will be OK and just need to move on.
The advice here has been great and very helpful.

LegacyUser

Op he's using you and you're a bootycall until the right one comes along. Dump before that happens and stop letting him use you. You really like him, however he just wants to be friends with an added benefit of the odd shag now and then but without any of the commitment to you.
That grand when you have two people who just want sex with no strings but you really like this guy and he doesn't feel the same way.

CaraMay

He wants a fwb situation which You need to run from

Payton

going_anon_today wrote: »

Yes you are completely right.
I'm starting to see this myself now very clearly, I can't move on with my life with him still in it.
I feel a little bit better about things today now that I have realised I don't need him, that I will be OK and just need to move on.
The advice here has been great and very helpful.

OP don't beat yourself up over this, we all make mistakes and we learn from them and you get stronger day by day.
The likes of this guy will probably never change and he's the type who gives good guys a bad name and make women like yourself weary of a genuine guy with good intentions.
Things like this happens in people's lives but we need to change it...asap if possible.
Move on and share your life and love with someone who deserves it....I'm a fair believer in gut instinct.