The Great Big 'C' Word

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Been with my gf for 2 years. Has been a bit rocky, a break or two here and there.

Things are great between us usually though, really really good, but the thing is we can have pretty big rows. Over nothing really, she can be quite dramatic. And I can be a bit impatient. We're both quite stubborn, and childish, and when the argument is over there is just silence and a bit of bickering for a day or so. Then we realize how ridiculous we're being and we just apologize and laugh. Things will be great for weeks again then , BOOM, out of nowhere another row and the whole process is repeated for a couple of days.

I am so sick of it!! We talk it out and discuss whatever is bothering us and what we'll do in the next, inevitable, argument. That's all well and good until we actually start having an argument and then everything we talk about goes out the window. They're not bad arguments and I know every couple has them but they are so pointless, they're usually over silly little things.

Anyway she has begun to question my commitment lately and has said that she wants to make a plan for the future. I love her and I know she would make a great wife and mother some day and I do see myself with her. The thing is I have realized that I am not ready to settle down yet.
I don't know what to do as I am terrified of being with someone that I argue with for no reason. And I don't think I am ready to settle down. She wants to know what my plans are?

Any advice?

pookie82

Commitmentphobe? wrote: »

I don't know what to do as I am terrified of being with someone that I argue with for no reason. And I don't think I am ready to settle down. She wants to know what my plans are?

Any advice?

Yes ... be brutally honest and tell her exactly that. Anything else would be completely unfair to her.

magicmushroom

Commitmentphobe? wrote: »

Hi guys,

Been with my gf for 2 years. Has been a bit rocky, a break or two here and there.

Things are great between us usually though, really really good, but the thing is we can have pretty big rows. Over nothing really, she can be quite dramatic. And I can be a bit impatient. We're both quite stubborn, and childish, and when the argument is over there is just silence and a bit of bickering for a day or so. Then we realize how ridiculous we're being and we just apologize and laugh. Things will be great for weeks again then , BOOM, out of nowhere another row and the whole process is repeated for a couple of days.

I am so sick of it!! We talk it out and discuss whatever is bothering us and what we'll do in the next, inevitable, argument. That's all well and good until we actually start having an argument and then everything we talk about goes out the window. They're not bad arguments and I know every couple has them but they are so pointless, they're usually over silly little things.

Anyway she has begun to question my commitment lately and has said that she wants to make a plan for the future. I love her and I know she would make a great wife and mother some day and I do see myself with her. The thing is I have realized that I am not ready to settle down yet.
I don't know what to do as I am terrified of being with someone that I argue with for no reason. And I don't think I am ready to settle down. She wants to know what my plans are?

Any advice?

If you're not ready to settle down yet then it doesn't really matter if you row a lot with her or not.
Do you live together?
When she asked of your commitment plans, did you get the impression she was looking for something to change soon, ie. get engaged or move in if you are not already living as a couple?

Neyite

Having a big row over something trivial, then bickering for days followed by silence, until you have a grand old make up and this happens every couple of days? Don't bring a child into that. Neither of you are remotely ready for it and its unfair on a child who would be caught in the horrible atmosphere constantly.

Irrespective of that, is it not exhausting and a headwreck of a way to live?

LegacyUser

No we don't live together atm. We have done, in the past.

We don't row "every couple of days" Thing can be great for weeks but then there is a row which will will lead to us bickering for a couple of days.

Penny Tration

So, it's been two years and you have had more than one 'break' from the relationship and semi-regular fights that last for days?

No wonder you're not ready to commit to her. I'm surprised she is.

Your relationship sounds like an absolute head wreck. Relationships shouldn't be anything like the way yours is.

You owe her honesty in telling her you're not ready to commit.

You both sound completely incompatible.

LegacyUser

I love her though and I don't know how I'll move on from her, but maybe you're all right. Maybe we're not compatible..

I wish I could be sure though as I feel it could be a mistake, breaking up with her.

Neyite

Commitmentphobe? wrote: »

I love her though and I don't know how I'll move on from her, but maybe you're all right. Maybe we're not compatible..

I wish I could be sure though as I feel it could be a mistake, breaking up with her.

Then maybe the realisation for both of you that its either time to break up or work on how you communicate with each other might make both of you turn it around. If you are both happy to work on it, there is no reason why you cant turn it into a harmonious relationship, especially given that its not something insurmountable but rather the little stuff you fall out about.

LegacyUser

What age are you?

I'm early 40s and it's only now that I feel I could commit to someone. That's through a combination of growing up, meeting the right woman and knowing that I won't meet anyone else like her who gets me the way she does.

I still think at times "but what about all of the other women around" but it's fantasy because I'd still be looking for someone who gets me and makes me laugh - there aren't too many of them around and I spend my 30s dating.

What are your incompatibilities and what are your fights about?

Small things can be a major sign.

Mourinho

I think maybe your reluctance to commit might be your gut/back of your mind telling yourself you don't want a life where you have to go through all this stress from fighting every couple of weeks.

silverfeather

Commitmentphobe? wrote: »

I love her though and I don't know how I'll move on from her, but maybe you're all right. Maybe we're not compatible..

I wish I could be sure though as I feel it could be a mistake, breaking up with her.

Why?

Blue Iris

Give yourself time OP. Don't make a decision immediately would be my view. Maybe there is still a way to talk this issue over with her. I find it can be helpful when there is a really sticky issue to pose the dilemma: something like "I love you so much and I know you love me, but at times, the way we relate and handle conflict makes us both miserable. I'd love it if we could find a way to stop doing this but we've tried so many times and we keep going back to the same old same old. I'm beginning to lose hope that we will be able to change this but I can't bear the thought of us breaking up. What do you think?"

If she takes it seriously and tries to think about it with you, then I think you might be able to find a different way to relate to each other around conflict and arguments. People change all the time, if they gain insight into the root of the problem and if they are motivated enough to work at it.

If she gets annoyed at you and blames you for bringing it up in this non blaming way, then I would have less hope that things would improve between you. Best of luck.

jimmycrackcorm

No matter if you love her and consider that she might be potentially a great wife and mother, if you want to give a commitment then commit to someone who is those things but that you can live with.

I'd suggest that when you start to see this type of row developing that you draw attention to how damaging it is to your relationship future and ask her and yourself if the row is going to be worth it.

strobe

Well what do you mean by 'not ready to settle down'? Is it not ready to commit to one woman, or is it not ready for the marriage and babies thing?

Matteroffact

Every couple has rows over stupid things, and make no mistake about that. Are you sure you are not using this as an excuse for not being ready to get married, because you don't need an excuse, you are not ready full stop. Just tell her you are not ready to get married yet but when you are ready you could see yourself marrying her.